Mauricio_Negrete

Honest feedback time.

Prologue

Your prologue is very... boring? Yeah. It's pretty boring. It's very long, especially for a prologue. Lots of information about something that... no one is invested in yet. Note: YET. Your prologue talks of the creation of the universe in great detail... which is pretty cool. To some people.

Your prologue doesn't introduce the characters or conflict in any suspenseful or interesting way. It introduces God and other gods, but doesn't introduce anything meaningful about it.

"Oh he created those gods b/c he needed some nanny."
"Oh those nannies are too old and too slow to change, so I'll need a new nanny"
"Oh. there may be a new way to get a new nanny. Lets put it on this porn-loving dude for some reason unknown to him"

It's not a very strong start. Lots of fluff about creation of universe, Lots of "oh God's doing this just cuz..." Then a "random divinity to this random dude." It's like saying, "hey, read my story just because it's a story".

You got to develop it. You got to make your prologue GRAB someone's attention. Make them keep wanting to read. Don't be too technical. Don't introduce lots of ideas and concepts. The prologue isn't the place for this. Don't make it too long about the creation of the universe. It's boring and doesn't grab the reader's attention.

Take a look at this prologue:

"Whenever I see them talking to me, and whenever I see them walking away, I am reminded of my family,
on that night.

"I remember my mother whose lips were stained red. I remember my father, whose hands were by my side. And most clear of them all, I remember 'it'. Those eyes.

"Eyes of black, as endless as an abyss. Body of red, as deep as blood.

"'It' drew the blood out from my mother, through her mouth. 'It' ripped the arms off my father, and tossed them to my side.

"All the while, 'it' laughed. Hysterically, 'it' laughed until 'it' disappeared, As if 'it' was never there.

"And that was the night I turned 10."

That was a made up prologue of mine. Can you feel the difference between my prologue and yours? A prologue is a good place to provide some foreshadowing. It's a good place to introduce a major character (which you did, but in an not-very-interesting way). It's a good place to provide some info about the character's backstory. It's a good place to set the tone/mood for the rest of the story.

Here are some Pros to my prologue here: My made up prologue is vivid and evocative. I used shorter sentences and simple language to make it easier to understand. It's written in a way to make you, the reader, want to learn more about the child. What happened to the child after this event? What is 'it'? The contrast between the horror of the whole event, and then finding out that this was through the eyes of someone who just turned 10 makes it even more terrifying.

Here are some cons to my prologue: it's too short. I didn't go into the details of the family nor did we see how important this family is to the child. I didn't focus on the emotional state of the child before or after the event. The prologue is also too* descriptive, losing out on some audiences who don't like reading about gore and violence.

But hopefully you see where I'm going here. Your prologue isn't very interesting. I'm already bored reading it. That's not a good start as your story hasn't even started yet.

Lets get into the meat of your story's first chapter.

Chapter 2: Chapter 1

Your first chapter feel into the same pit as your prologue. You went on a long tangential depiction of who your main character is. Maybe this kind of narrative might work if you were narrating the start of a movie/tv show. Unfortunately, this is a novel, and the only voice we readers hear is the voice in our head. We get to decide how we read this, and this is reading out very bland. Like reading a resume/job experiences in paragraph format.

You went on a long exposition, detailing yada-yada-yada about how he came to the other world and how he can level up his system. All in a very bland and "info-dump" manner. That, again, is how you bore someone. Think of every day life. Think of something you're not very interested in. Then imagine an expert on this topic-you're-already-not-interested-in starts lecturing you about it like a 60-year-old-professor who is reading it straight out of a powerpoint slide. That's the kind of feel I'm getting reading your first chapter. There's no suspense. There's no conflict. Suspense drives your story forward, especially early on. I always recommend reading this up.

Things you can do to improve the first chapter is to rewrite it to where it starts with an action/conflict. For example, you can maybe instead start the story out like this:

"PERVERT!!!!"

A girl's scream could be heard from the river as a guy could be seen running away with a half-clad girl holding a stick chasing after him.

Here, we establish a source of conflict: A guy just got caught peeping at a girl by the river, and what will happen next?

Here, you have the opportunity to twist our understanding and make us recognize that while he indeed is a pervert, he also has a reason. You don't have to straight up tell us, "He has to look at 3 girls to level up", and you can do something like this:

"Yooosh! Alright! Man she looked good," the boy reminised. "Too bad her cups aren't fully matured yet. But with that, this makes girl number 3! I wonder what I will get from the system now that I've completed looking at three naked girls"

This would help grab the reader's attention a little bit better than a tirade of someone's life. You can also use dialogue to move the plot forward, assuming there's a plot.

The whole chapter is very narrative. Not like a story at all, but like a description of something. There's no emotion. No suspense. No conflict. Just "oh look, this happened. Oh look, something else happened." Truly, the only thing you have going for you in this chapter is, I wonder how this system is going to develop and maybe the "I wonder when the erotica starts". If I don't count the titles, I'm 2652 words into your story, and it's all backstory narration.

At this rate, I'm going to assume that you've lost most of the readers who reads and can contribute meaningfully, and now all you're left is :
a) those who are either too bored and can't find anything else to read so they're just reading a story just to read.
b) those who would read anything isekai
c) those who would read anything with a leveling system
d) those who wants to see where this pervert system would go.
e) those who are waiting for erotica

I could be wrong. But this may be why you're in this dilemma:

I have very little feedback from readers

Chapter 3: Chapter 2

At least there's something going on in this chapter now. There's movement. There's action. Unfortunately, it's very . . . for lack of a better word. . . unnatural. It's not very naturalistic and doesn't seem to be the action that many would do in the real world. There's no vivid language, no conflict. No suspense. Just... very lacking. I think I'm going to stop here. There's lots of "self rationalization" here that 'this naturally happen b/c of XYZ,". "Oh I happen to be here and this happen to happen. Thank goodness we have ABC reasons to explain it away".

Verdict:

Read until Chapter 3: Chapter 2.

Weak prologue. Weak chapter 1. All narrator's narration only. No scene. No action. No conflict. No drive. Things happen "just because". Not very interesting.

But wait, things don't get interesting until chapter XXX! Keep reading!

You didn't keep me interested until chapter XXX. When I'm reading you're story, I'm engaging in a contract of sorts. You keep me invested, and I'll keep investing my time into your book. It should be interesting from the get-go, from the very beginning.

Good luck friend.
Hobey-ho.