Today I'm going to try to do smaller books, just so I can look around and say I'm done.

:fork_knife_plate: Side Dishes :fork_knife_plate:

:persevere: Chef: @KiReign
:sweet_potato: Dish: A Devil's Sins

:bookmark: : A Devil’s Sins :bookmark:
I’m only going over the first chapter because there are over 5,000 words here. If you want this to be a book, you need to edit it to read like a book. Even though you’ve told me that its essentially a script, that doesn’t change the fact that in its current state it’s a tough read. It’s chock-full of useless bits of information, poor punctuation, and unnatural dialogue. You have so many background details that make me confused. Entire sentences that don’t add anything. It’s not even fluff, its just… word salad.

“Different sights of the landscapes are shown of a large city. Plenty of people walked the stone street of their hometown Freya, the first of six major capital cities across the nation. The securely walled large civilizations politically and socially by the wealthiest nobles in each region. Their combined wealth bringing a common order around the world, and it has since been solidified by their support of The Temple. Having few Cathedrals outside of capital cities, their position among society representing what peace and faith remained ever through time. Eventually The Tempe organization became a powerful and influential power in most places under the control and protection of nobles. Yet the further away you get from Capitals, the less involved The Rulers of the country and The Temple seemed to be involved.”

This is the first paragraph I read. What am I supposed to be feeling while reading this? Awe? Enthusiasm? Curiosity? Do you even know? Because I have no clue. I still have no clue. Even as I typed it out. I still have no clue what this is saying.

Something like: Freya is one of the big capitals somewhere. These capitals are walled cities, filled with rich and powerful people. They threw money at problems and the problems went away. The Temple. Cathedrals are a symbol of peace and faith of times passed. The Temple became powerful, and was controlled by the rich and powerful. Oddly enough, the farther you get from the big cites, the less power the powerful have and the less churches you see.

But… that’s not odd at all? Ah, that’s not what I want you to focus on. Look at how little I’ve pulled from your paragraph. Look at how little I understand. We do not have the luxury of being in your head, nor pictures. You need to show us something. Anything. Please!! This introduction only works to confuse me!

We’ve already talked about the dialogue tags. Fix them. You say you don’t want “she said,” after everything, but this is your story full of your characters who can literally say whatever the fuck you need them to. If one of your characters is spouting 40 words with no break fix it.

Moving on. Some of your writing is clunky. Take a look at these sentences:

“If one looked even further at the girl’s surroundings, her horse drawn cart that would only be one of five lined up but were being loaded up by other companies and their own workforce.”

You’ve already told us the area she’s working in is busy as fuck. We don’t need this extra sentence. Also needs a comma.

And there's things like:
“Aisellia giggled seeing as Laura forgot or simply possibly didn’t know what the purpose of the expedition was for which came to Aisellia as no surprise, seeing as she was a construction worker around town but over the years she had taken a personal liking with Aisellia after their first few encounters. Laura was not from a noble family and much less one of the few families funding the venture, brought together by the temple to help civilizations outside of their walled capital.”

Are you reading what you type aloud??? I was reading this and ran out of breath in my mind. How is that even possible??

And then:
“The woman writing on the paper lifted her eyes from her writing and turned to face the worker stand beside her. The woman used a rag to wipe the sweat from her forehead. It being evident she had been working herself.”

This reads like the woman writing also pulled a rag from nowhere. Describe your characters. Describe who is going into the scene, who is moving within the scene, who is talking within the scene. Again, we do not have the luxury of IMAGES.

I’m gonna scroll down just so I’m not focusing up top. The dialogue you type is very, very, unnatural:

Cana Sigfried: “Do you believe in the rumors of the free marches?”
Ian Maliago: “There are plenty of rumors about the free marches”

DUH IAN WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE BE ASKING YOU FOR YOUR OPINION IF THERE WEREN’T PLENTY OF RUMORS?! What is the purpose of this dialogue?? Ian doesn’t confirm or deny here, only acknowledges. Which Cana has already done by asking for his opinion… so what the fuck is this here for? It’s probably so annoying to me because we get no body language from Ian. No shrugging, no smirking, no chuckling. Oh oops, my bad, the dialogue continues:

Shielia Ciest: “You know which one, the stories of dangerous monstrosities that roam around killing anyone and anything without prejudice”
Dan Aifred: “Come now Ian, we’re all aware of the stories”

I’m going to scream…

Ian Maliage: Of course. They’re just that, Stories. It would be closer to the truth in my opinion to believe misfortune and Powerful bad spirits. Demons are just a story to keep kids indoors at night I’m sure”

Well you confirmed in your prologue and in the title of your book that demons exist, so I don’t know what this is here for. This could’ve been two or three short sentences about the group’s curiosity of the existence of demons.

I dunno if anyone’s noticed yet… but these dialogues don’t have any periods at the end of them. I’m just typing it how I see it so… maybe comb over your writing a bit more.
This is so goddamn hard to read omg. I’m all for people just talking in a scene, but not when there are six fucking people.

Full dialogue scenes only work if there are two or three people. And if there are three people it needs to be two on one, like an interrogation. An example of this (just tooting my own horn btw), is what I do in my second chapter of my side bitch: Secrets in Color:

“What were you trying to see?” Laurel asked. He walked over to the orb and placed his hand on the cool mirror surface.

Ranunculus followed him, stopping in front of the orb. He thought for a single moment, before he put his hands on his hips and declared:
“I want to see my next conquest!”
“Did you not know before?”
“I did.”
“Then what were you thinking about just now?”
Ranunculus frowned, thinking some more.
“Dunno.”
“You’re an idiot. But I did lose to you so… as you wish.”
Laurel bowed as he said this, not missing Ranunculus’ moment of confusion.
“Was that a compliment? Or something else?” The demon asked.
“It is whatever you desire it to be,” the angel answered.

From there Laurel ignored him, instead attempting to focus Ranunculus’ desire into the orb. The demons saw the orb actually display something for a single moment, before the fog rolled back in.

“Aw man. Is the damn thing busted?”
Ranunculus had plopped back down on the lounger. He had both women in his arms. They were cuddling, wrapped around him in an elaborate hug.
“Hmm. No, it just can’t tell the difference between three demons.” Laurel said.
“So it’s racist?”
“…No, you idiot. It’s just not tuned to your energy.”
“Wait, that means…” The demon started.
“Yes, the ladies have to go.” The angel finished.

What I learned (I love quips because I’m a smart ass), is that in scenes like these, there needs to be a clear goal that both characters want, or the scene needs to build a character dynamic, or both.
With your dialogue scenes there’s two people who are having an exchange, and then a third- and fourth-person pop in to continue the conversation. It’s a strain to read because I have to try and remember five different people’s personalities. And these aren’t short exchanges, these are long sentences.
Think of dialogue like a phone line, two people are talking, with three it gets confusing, and with four you get tangled lines. Call and response, not: call, response, third person, response, first person, response, fourth person.
Honestly, I couldn’t get through it. It’s too… it wanders way too much. The descriptions are confusing and sometimes don’t add anything. There are way too many characters whom I really don’t care about. You just push six people onto me. I’m one person, and it just isn’t possible for me to remember six people at once.

I would like to come back to this when your first chapter has been broken into two pieces, and reads better. It seems interesting. Reminds me of Infinite Undiscovery.