4.
it is good but I think some phrases are translated too literally that it feels awkward. When I say awkward its about the consistency. The first part of the chapter, it is translated in “malalim na tagalog” or similar to what you call “old english” then after that, there goes the Taglish lines, using sports car, cleavage, etc.. I feel the awkwardness. The formality of the language on the first part goes to the drain. Im not against using any of the two, but combining them, it will appear like poorly written.
Anyways, for suggestion, sometimes translating it too literally destroys the meaning. Well there is no such thing as perfect translation.
For the grammar, its good. I see some errors like “magkasipon” need to be “magkakasaipon” but it can be neglected.
All in all. it is still a 4. the translation is good, its just that “I” find it awkward.