Reinesse
I see you took some notes. Great! Now onto a few more things:
1) I'm not going to be nit-picking on you about your grammar or spellings, because you should be using a grammar and spell checker. Always. No reason not to.
Okay, about your newest transition:
Unfortunately, her rank in school is currently in the top 150 and she didn't advance for the past month. Even if she was in the top 11%, it was still too far from reaching Monstrous 9.
Back to Huang Liwei, she is currently in one of Glorious Heaven Entertainment's practice room, reading stuffs at her Weibo.
We're still talking about Huang Liwei here, so why are we "going back to her"?
I'm glad you showed a goal for your main character. Thats great! But what about the drive? Why is she passionate about this goal? Also, can we—as the reader—resonate with her? Read up on that "how to create suspense" link again. You may also need to check up on guides like this one, or this other one on creating character empathy. That's three small guide on creating a character that readers may care about. Just remember, the more primal the feeling is, the more it'll likely resonate with anyone. Talking about the concept of being "passionate about being pro-abortion or saving the Amazon Rainforest" would not resonate as strongly with readers versus something like "stealing food because they're dying of hunger" or "feelings of lust/anger". The more basic the passion, the more people can relate to it. Make it relate to things that anyone can relate to.
For comparative purposes, feel free to read up your peer's—Muigetsu's—Chapter 1 too. Although I understand that you can't mimic the start of the traditional travel-back-in-time trope, there's some notes you can pick up on it. His chapter one draws up on several feelings that the reader may possibly connect with:
- The feelings of finding a long-lost loved one
- The feelings of being betrayed by those closest to you.
- The feelings of getting a second chance, to start over.
- and at the very end, the feelings of starting a new adventure in a brand new world that the reader knows nothing about.
Your story flows a lot better now, that's great! I guess it does flow smoother when you're tired without having to think too much about it. Unfortunately, though I would suggest putting off updating immediately after re-writes. Being tired makes you prone to mistakes—simple mistakes—which could be seen in sentences like here:
The leader like figure in the group took tge initiative to ask her, "do you know all of us, Wei Jie?"
Like I said earlier, I'm not going to focus on the spelling mistakes. I just want to draw your attention on to the fact that this is what could happen when you write while not in optimal conditions. This is why there's almost always an editing process. Make sure you edit your work after you're done with your rewrites too! Self-editing is extremely important in the process of learning.
I actually don't recommend editing while typing up your story. No. The writing process should be separated from the editing process, and I don't think they both should be done within the same hour. Or maybe even the same day. The point is, they shouldn't be done back-to-back. Do what you need to in order to write your story. Then, take a break. Go surfing/bungee jumping/binge on Netflix, go shopping; whatever your demon is, go do it. After your break, when you're at about optimal condition, focus on the editing.
I do implore you, though, read up on those links. Don't be in a rush for instant success. If you really want to improve, it's a long journey. Focus on your steps. G'luck!