my eyes hurt, just like rex said, break the paragraphssss
Potential Story Idea
Nice concept!
"His focus on his studies caused him to not have many friends and even though he had good looks most girls quickly lost interest."
And yet the only direct setting he invests points in is Attractiveness?
Why not willpower to be able to persist as he had in his last life. What are the things he can invest in for himself? That can't be a secret right?
There is also the fact that so much time was spent going about doulou dalu, or other mentioning other fanfiction. Yet you neglect any kind of consideration for any kind of development for your own system or explanation about how it works.
Let's sum up what we know about what he'll be like in the next life, outside of the spirits.
-He'll be human
-Attractive
-male
Nothing about being born healthy. Nothing about being smart. Nothing about being perceptive.
So yes, he might be born with as a pretty/attractive but crippled idiot suffering from a curse.
"The next top four choices are, create a personal world, go to an afterlife of a religion, understand the secrets of the universe, and viewing loved ones on Earth."
This part I like. It actually makes less of a mystery of the transition period, or most novels never explain what happens when someone else dies. It also almost fully explains almost every question about the afterlife a spiritual person could have. A good example of 'show don't tell'.
"This isn't even one of the continents in Douluo Dalu!"
-"If fan-fictions can create spirits why can't they create continents? Abyss Guard continent was part of a well-built fan-fiction and was therefore included in the Douluo Dalu world of fiction."
So, this is a fanfic about a person ending up into another fanfic?
"Even if you are not a fan of the original Douluo Dalu this is written in a way that you won't be confused about what is happening. "
Anyways, my two cents.
I'm not a fan of the content that you posted, but I do think that your writing itself is at a decent level. Best of luck with your undertaking.
evanar
In regards to investing points in attractiveness, just because he did not utilize his looks doesn't mean he is not aware of the benefits of being attractive.
In regards to investing points in willpower or intelligence or perceptiveness, maybe I didn't make the point clear enough but anything related to his mind cannot be changed because he will have all his memories retained in the world of fiction. I may edit something in to make that more clear.
The healthy point is a good one and I think I will put that in there.
As far as the system goes. He will not have a system. The choices he made with "Greg" are essentially his system. From the time he is reborn onward he will be just like anyone else. Except for the notice when another reincarnator chooses douluo dalu. Again maybe I need to make that more clear.
It's not that it's a fan-fiction within a fan-fiction. It is more like all stories that stem from a novel, as long as they fit into the concepts of the original, are meshed together to create one coherent world. Therefore, theoretically he could travel from Abyss Guard continent to Duoluo continent and experience the original story. I am not sure how I could make that more clear.
Also, the fan-fiction about the Abyss Guard Continent does not exist. I made it up because it allows me to put my characters in the world of Douluo Dalu without having to follow the original story line. I find fan-fictions that insert their characters into the main plot of their original stories to be very repetitive. While based on the same system (spirit rings, martial spirits, spirit master ranks) my novel's plot will be unique and only use the original novel as a reference.
Thank you for complementing my writing and taking the time to read and review it. I will certainly implement some of the suggestions you have made in order to make my intentions clearer as well as the choices more realistic.
Thanks for replying!
As you said "Greg" is his system. Being able to say "put the rest of my points in Attractiveness" is, after all, something you only say when there would be something like a system in place.
My suggestion is to replace "Put in points into Attractiveness" like it's a statistic of an rpg with something else.
Asking for something along the lines of "Can I use to rest of my points to get an attractive body that has the potential to be as well developed as humanly possible?"
Being attractive to people usually does involve having a healthy body after all.
You could even insert a question or two about points to exceed human limits, that would seem like a question a gamer or usual reader of isekai/rebirth/Xianxia novels would likely pose.
Well. The Abyss Guard not being an existing fanfiction is something that I as a reader didn't know. That mention combined with your author's note about fanfiction at the start gave me the impression that I was missing out because I hadn't read certain things, thus pushing me away as a possible reader. The fault with that could be purely on me though.
Another point I forgot to raise.
So before he spent a lot of time on developing and working. Later on it says that he continues his life as before.
So either he's still developing so much, or he just works more. And his parents aren't around anymore. So what happens with his money? He's lived on so little for so long that his life style would be impacted.
So either he's a lot more well off now, or his money is going somewhere different. As it's written he's still a shut in. The problem is, the shut-in who donated 2 million gets 1,5 million good karma points? So money thoughtlessly donated to charity buys off sins? It's what the church did in the middle ages.
So my suggestion is, that he actively takes up his mothers role, or at least does a continuing support in the charity and helps it build up with his earnings from those four years. If he does it like this, it would serve to show that he does develop people skills a bit, and has actually earned his 1.5 million karma points.
evanar
I appreciate all of the points you made in this reply and I see no reason to not implement them in my novel. Although, I don't know how I could address the issue of people who don't know Abyss Guard is not a real fan-fiction. Maybe just a little authors note in the novel.
Also I think I will pose the question you suggested:
You could even insert a question or two about points to exceed human limits, that would seem like a question a gamer or usual reader of isekai/rebirth/Xianxia novels would likely pose.
However, I will likely make it so he doesn't have enough points to do it. I am trying to limit his advantages so in the future when has to work really hard to achieve something the readers can be happy for him instead of thinking, "Oh he only got that because he has all of these advantages."
I really like your last suggestion. I think it fills out more of the psychology behind my character and makes his future decisions more understandable. Also it does seem to make more sense than just donating the 2 million. I tried to give that some added weight by saying he did it without ulterior motives, but this will make it even more concrete.
Thank you for the advice!
Muigetsu "lthough, I don't know how I could address the issue of people who don't know Abyss Guard is not a real fan-fiction. Maybe just a little authors note in the novel."
"Any books/fanfiction mentioned in this story are fictional and thus not required to be able to enjoy this story."
God, the more I read that phrase, the more stupid I feel for need a disclaimer like that. >.<
Eh, don't bother, I'll probably be just me. If you do, get a second opinion on that.
5 days later
Just a hopeful bump