Muigetsu

- Jun 24, 2020
- Joined Jan 9, 2018
Hyowha Overlord_Venus
I'm so glad this was posted. I've always wondered how other author's do.
1,107 views / 4727 Collections / 1:234 Ratio
Although, I'd probably be doing better if I could release more often. 3 per week release rate. Also, only at 53 chapters.I think you will like this https://www.webnovel.com/book/10685728705112005/The-Archaic-System
tsukkin
I think my novel will fit your taste perfectly! It meets all the criteria you put forth, minus being at 51 chapters. It is a System novel. However, it is not irrational and is very unique.
Check it out! https://www.webnovel.com/book/10685728705112005/The-Archaic-Systemlazyredragon
I would love to receive the amazing gift of having a new cover created for my novel. I have no specific request for the cover and only ask that you read the synopsis to get a good understanding of what it's about.
https://www.webnovel.com/book/10685728705112005/The-Archaic-SystemCroniesBoss
Thank you! I'm glad my review was able to help you!- Edited
vexum
Overall I think readers will understand the emotions of the MC you are trying to convey. The writing overall is good but there are a few things that I think can be improved.1.)
Don't try to convey too many things at once
This sentence, "He started to sweat heavily, and his vision became a bit blurry, while he felt like he was going to vomit!" has too many things happening. A reader won't fully grasp what's happening. Also, don't use vague filler language when describing an intense moment like, "a bit". Vagueness in your language will unconsciously evoke a vague feeling in your readers and in this scene you want strong feelings. If you remove the "a bit" it meaning to the reader won't change. Lastly, sometimes describing a feeling in better than saying it.
For instance, "He started to sweat heavily, his vision became blurry. Bile rose in his throat as his stomach turned."
Personally I like to remove the "and" for dramatic pause.2.)
Don't repeat narration and dialogue, "He quickly shook Sha Ku, trying to see what was wrong with him." Then you say, "Sha Ku, what's wrong,..." See how you essentially say whats wrong twice. It comes across as simple and boring to a reader.3.)
Make sure to picture the scenes you describe.
When I picture a man who, "...quickly put his head between his legs,..." it makes me want to laugh. When I imagine a person who just saw something that horrifies them I picture, "He leaned over and held his face in his hands in a desperate attempt to steady the waves of emotion overwhelming him. Eventually, he managed to calm down." I think this better fits what you are trying to portray and addresses my fourth issue.4.)
Don't let your characters emotions swing so quickly unless it's on purpose.
In this instance I don't think you did it on purpose. Your MC goes from, "...tried to calm himself down." to "This infuriated Sha Ku,..." It's a somewhat unrealistic swing in emotion when you haven't established that he actually managed to calm down.5.) Pay attention to humor in high emotion chapters, only use it if it enhances the emotion.
You say, "he felt like he was going to vomit" then the MC punches his friend, "causing him to vomit." To me this comes across as a deliberate juxtaposition to humor the reader. The irony of him almost vomiting then causing the friend to vomit is humorous. That's a tactic I often use to create humor. However, whether that was intentional or not, in this instance, it detracts from the emotion you are trying to convey.6.) Not sure if this is intentional, but be aware that you are portraying An Tang as dim-witted or insensitive her, "Sha Ku, what's wrong, the Nightmare Child is long dead. You couldn't possibly be frightened of a dead thing, could you?!" Even then you can remedy that later on if you need to.
7.) Just to reiterate, vague filler language shouldn't be used when describing strong emotions.
In general you should avoid using it with things that involve the MC since he should be the most concrete character. You use it again when you say, "Sha Ku's face was pale, starting to tear up a little as well, his voice slightly began to choke." It would be more clear and convey the same meaning if you said, "Sha Ku's face was pale, starting to tear up, his voice began to choke."8.)
Avoid unnecessary repetitive language.
Such as here, "What's even worse, when the victim of a Nightmare Child reaches adulthood...," two sentences later you say, "Worst of all, to kill a Nightmare Child, you have..." There are better ways to say this that won't sound repetitive to your reader.9.) Just like how some sentences need separating some are more meaningful combined.
Here you say, ""Ahhh!" he screamed, as tears poured from his eyes.
He then let off a roar, as he started to pound his fists against the brick walls of the alleyway."Combined these two sentences have a greater effect, ""Ahhh!" he screamed, tears poured from his eyes as he started to pound his fists against the brick walls of the alleyway."
10.) Very Important
A high emotion chapter should build like a crescendo that reaches a climax and then quickly collapses.
This can significantly impact how a reader feels. It is a reflection of how humans actually deal with emotion and has a great effect on readers because they inherently understand it. For the most part you achieve this in your chapter.
However, two parts slow down your emotional crescendo, the explanation of the nightmare child from, "Even in the highest heavens,..." to "...eliminate everybody it's infected!" as well as "Just buy the fucking egg,..." to "...every action was cold and calculated." I understand that these explanations are important to your story, but if possible they should be moved to before or after the emotional crescendo.
Also, your last sentence does allow for somewhat of a descent from the emotion climax, your climax is the 7 "Bangs!". Although it might have greater impact if you added, "Sha Ku calmly placed his fist against the blood-stained brick wall as his knees collapsed beneath the weight of the memory of his daughter." This gives the reader a sense of both a physical and emotional collapse, while evoking powerful imagery.To end I want to say I am not trying to be critical of your writing. I am sure I have made many of the same mistakes in my own novel. I didn't read your novel, but this chapter clearly has a lot of effort put into it. (Side-note: See how uncomfortable the repeated use of the word "novel" sounded there.)
You just need to keep refining it. That is one of the best things about writing on Webnovel, you can always go back and edit your chapters.
I re-read a chapter 5 times before publishing. Even then I have gone back and changed some of my chapters 3 or 4 times. Sometimes when you are in a different mindset you notice different things. I often read a chapter, make some edits, then watch a TV show and go back and notice completely different things. The TV show put me in a new mindset. This is a useful tool for new writers. The more you write the more fleshed out your style will become and the more you will pick up on these things. Just don't forget that no one should read your novel more than you.
Also, don't stop reading novels yourself. I have never taken a writing course or received any professional learning with regards to writing beyond the basics. Everything I learned about writing came from the novels I've read before. Continue to read! Just try to notice the little things your favorite authors do to make you feel a certain way. Make a not of every time you get excited, upset, or curious. Then go back through and find out how they made you feel that way. I guarantee you will improve by leaps and bounds if you do.A final note, if you want you can read my novel, it is at https://www.webnovel.com/book/10685728705112005/The-Archaic-System.
I hope this review helps you. I would love to see how you would change the chapter after considering my advice.P.S Left a good review for you on your novel. In my opinion, any author trying to get better deserves a good review.
Just a hopeful bump
- Edited
Kazi223
I will be honest there is no way I could read all 18 chapters and give you a comprehensive review right now. However, I perused it and have a few suggestions that can help build your reader base. Before I begin with the advice I will say, your writing is good, you know how to make your characters believable. You have some grasp on how to move readers. From what little I could see, plot seems to be fine.PROBLEMS
1.) Your cover is basic and doesn't resonate with the vibe of your novel. I suggest using https://spark.adobe.com/make/book-cover-maker or https://www.canva.com/create/book-covers/ and make a new one.2.) Your synopsis is generic and not very interesting. The synopsis is GREATLY important for drawing in new readers and is most likely where you are losing a lot of readers. It follows the same trope as every other reincarnation/system novel. People are tired of the same novels with different names. Identify what about your novel is unique and put that in the synopsis.
3.) If you haven't used all ten tags for your novel, DO IT. It is more exposure and ways for readers to find you. Again, that will only help if you have a good cover and synopsis.
4.) Engage whatever readers you have. Try to respond to them as often as you can. Other readers will see that and like you,
5.) Leave "Author Notes" that engage with your readers. Ask for reviews, power stones, comments. You can even use it to let them know about how your life is going so they come to know you.
6.) Publish chapters at a steady rate. 7 Chapters a week / 1 per day is optimal. If you can't do this that is fine. Just keep your readers updated on what releases you can do.
With your writing skills there is no reason you shouldn't be ranked higher and have a steady reader base. If you need some examples or just want to check it out, my novel is at https://www.webnovel.com/book/10685728705112005/The-Archaic-System
evanar
I appreciate all of the points you made in this reply and I see no reason to not implement them in my novel. Although, I don't know how I could address the issue of people who don't know Abyss Guard is not a real fan-fiction. Maybe just a little authors note in the novel.Also I think I will pose the question you suggested:
You could even insert a question or two about points to exceed human limits, that would seem like a question a gamer or usual reader of isekai/rebirth/Xianxia novels would likely pose.However, I will likely make it so he doesn't have enough points to do it. I am trying to limit his advantages so in the future when has to work really hard to achieve something the readers can be happy for him instead of thinking, "Oh he only got that because he has all of these advantages."
I really like your last suggestion. I think it fills out more of the psychology behind my character and makes his future decisions more understandable. Also it does seem to make more sense than just donating the 2 million. I tried to give that some added weight by saying he did it without ulterior motives, but this will make it even more concrete.
Thank you for the advice!
evanar
In regards to investing points in attractiveness, just because he did not utilize his looks doesn't mean he is not aware of the benefits of being attractive.In regards to investing points in willpower or intelligence or perceptiveness, maybe I didn't make the point clear enough but anything related to his mind cannot be changed because he will have all his memories retained in the world of fiction. I may edit something in to make that more clear.
The healthy point is a good one and I think I will put that in there.
As far as the system goes. He will not have a system. The choices he made with "Greg" are essentially his system. From the time he is reborn onward he will be just like anyone else. Except for the notice when another reincarnator chooses douluo dalu. Again maybe I need to make that more clear.
It's not that it's a fan-fiction within a fan-fiction. It is more like all stories that stem from a novel, as long as they fit into the concepts of the original, are meshed together to create one coherent world. Therefore, theoretically he could travel from Abyss Guard continent to Duoluo continent and experience the original story. I am not sure how I could make that more clear.
Also, the fan-fiction about the Abyss Guard Continent does not exist. I made it up because it allows me to put my characters in the world of Douluo Dalu without having to follow the original story line. I find fan-fictions that insert their characters into the main plot of their original stories to be very repetitive. While based on the same system (spirit rings, martial spirits, spirit master ranks) my novel's plot will be unique and only use the original novel as a reference.
Thank you for complementing my writing and taking the time to read and review it. I will certainly implement some of the suggestions you have made in order to make my intentions clearer as well as the choices more realistic.
Wish this contest happened a long time ago! My novel, The Archaic System, https://www.webnovel.com/book/10685728705112005/The-Archaic-System, is already at 44 chapters. It is also a really unique system. I really wish I could have been in this contest!!!
SuperSilentSin
Awesome! Thank you!Shameless bump
Hoping for critique!