@moleypotato
Here's the detailed review for the first chapter of your book entitle Her Seduction Games
It might seem harsh or like am nitpicking at everything but do bear with me since am just trying to help you and not condescend you ππππ
Also, the corrections may not be chronological order
...you was chosen to take part...
(You were chosen to take part....)
....I can hear every thoughts that you made...
(I can hear all your thoughts or I can hear your every thought)
(that you have - it will go with the first option)
Change all your i's to Capital I
I was originally integrated in your soul...
(I was originally integrated into/within your soul)
Threatened? Ah!
(Add a question mark after threatened, write ah with a capital a and add an exclamation mark after it)
She let her guard down....
(I think a better alternative would be to add however before she. The sentence reads:
However, she let her guard down.)
...she was able to jumped down...
(she was able to jump down...)
...would be creep out...
(Would be creeped out...)
However it didn't took long before her questions got it's answeres.
(However, it didn't take long before her questions were answered/had been answered)
After putting down the tray....
(Putting/cutting are not recognised by either The Oxford Dictionary or The Cambridge Dictionary)
DON'T USE THEM OR I'LL SHOUT ABOUT IT NON-STOP IN YOUR EARS AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS
Phew....coool down shiksha. Cool down.o
Onwards
The sentence should be written as:
After placing the tray that contained her food down on the table...
...hear forehead...
(...her forehead...)
She watched as how an unfamiliar lady.....
(Either remove the as or the how. Don't use both of them in this sentence)
She kinda like the color pink.
If you are planning on being a published author, never use kinda. It's way too informal and I can assure you that any authors who use those words don't have a sizeable amount of sales. Trust me on that. It's just plain wrong to write kinda unless in a dialogue.
Also, use colour instead of color.
Colour is the British spelling variant.
Color is the American spelling variant.
You should try to stay true to The Queen πππ
Back to the story:.... It's full of pink stuffs.
(You can use either of the following sentences as an alternative:
It's full of pink coloured stuff everywhere.
It was filled with pink stuff all over.
The whole room was painted and decorated in different hues of pink - I would use this one)
The sensation of taking her last breath...
(Add a bit more description here.
For example, She could still remember the metallic taste of blood that had flooded her mouth in those last few minutes. The emotional pain had been more harrowing than the physical discomfort. Etc etc....)
It would give the readers a point to reference back to when she makes some decisions in the future or when she does things out of the blue.
...why is she still alive...
(Add a comma after alive. You are joining two sentences as one)
Her heart was still racing....
(Her heart was still beating furiously/racing a mile a minute)
Show the FL's fear, desperation and anger here
As far as she knew
(Add a comma after knew)
The noise made by someone knocking on the door...
(Alternative sentence structure:
Suddenly she heard hurried footsteps coming toward her room and within moments there was a light knock on her door)
...prepared the bath like how you prefer it...
(....prepared the bath the way you prefer it...)
...for the elderly to won't find anything amiss...
(It wouldn't do for the elderly to find out/figure out that anything was amiss)
No matter how much she thinks...
(thought)
So there was no privacy.
(Add a comma after so)
...there lives a couple...
(...there is a couple...)
You are not trying to kill them, are you? ππππ No point using lives.
Yes, it would be suicidal
(Add for them after suicidal)
....without dying...
(...without any significant damage to you...)
....deep faith on you...
(...deep faith in you...)
Although, it sounded really ridiculous.
Write this sentence as a stand-alone. Don't clump it together with other paragraphs.
...numerous information...
(...a large amount of information..)
Numerous doesn't fit the sentence structure.
...familiar at the same time not
Change this sentence to a better one of your choosing.
This sentence makes for a jarring read.
At first she didn't reacted...
(At first, she didn't react...)
At the other side of the door...
Add a comma after door
...very in love...
(...very much in love/deeply in love...)
...this time is to seduce...
(...this time, was to seduce...)
P.S.
You use 'yet', 'so' many times in the chapter.
It becomes too repetitive.
Use other alternatives for those two words.
P.S.S.
Changes your small-cap i to Capital I
P.S.S.S.
You won't come brandishing knives and lit torches to murder me in my sleep because I blathered on so much for your very first chapter. If I offended you with my nonstop chatter, do pardon me.
Love
Shiksha Jerath x