Webnovel.Forum

Hi, I'm interested in your offer. I don't need any grammar corrections (even though it is full of it, I don't want to waste your precious time.), but I do need an honest critique. Do you mind helping me?

Title: After School Tuition Centre

Author: Dreaminh

Release rate: Twice per day

Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/13933295405396505

Synopsis:

Ahh!

School had ended and it is time to go home and relax...

Who am I lying to? I have tuition after school every day, being forced to learn some useless facts with a bunch of idiots with the risk of being killed by a back scratcher.

You don't know what tuition is?

Count yourself lucky, but if you are curious…

Come and join a colourful cast of characters as they give you the most inaccurate representation of what a tuition center is!

An adventure filled with laughs, love, friendships, perverts, and stupidity. Not so sure about the friendship and love part, but the stupidity and perverts are one hundred percent correct!

Two new chapters will be published every day. (One in the morning and one at night, so I would be with you the whole day.) :D

Good_Light_Sleep hello, so I've read up to chapter 4 and have written my criticisms on chapter 1. Knowing that you already have 60 chapters ahead of it, I tried my best to give critique that shouldn't impact future chapters. I've pointed out some lroblems I've found with chapter one, but haven't really suggested any specific solutions since I think you can probably solve it yourself. But if you do want my specific opinion on how to solve the problems I mentioned, I can just add them in. Where should I send the criticism? Just here or maybe I can email it to you?

Mr_Scary_Cat Hi! I too am interested with your offer.

Communication-wise, I'm sure it would be pretty convenient since I'm a Filipino too.

Here's my novel. Please check it out https://webnovel.com/book/14095585405321305
With 23 chapters available at the moment. Updates 1-2 chapters per day. Average word count: 850

Thank youu

moleypotato Okay! Will check it now.

Mr_Scary_Cat Yea, you can just add it here. Thank a lot! :D

Mr_Scary_Cat

It’s honorable of you to give such a service for free. I would be happy too, if you would take some time to read my novel.
I am desperate for a good critique, my girlfriend is already irritated by me asking her to read and offer criticism.

There are two:
Founding a Game Studio, probably the better one of the two.
https://m.webnovel.com/book/14219241705673905

And, The Spirit in the Yellow.
https://m.webnovel.com/book/13986354705805205

Thank you!

Lappidappi Will check in the morning! (it's night time here)

Good_Light_Sleep So I wrote my comments in chronological order. Ask me if there's a comment you don't understand/disagree with.

Chapter 1
- The part about it being a flashback is not relevant.
- The setting wasn’t established properly. I had to look up what a tuition center is. Where I’m from it’s called a review center. Maybe add a bit more explanation for readers who don’t know what it is.
- Maybe the adjective “groggy” might fit Lee Kai Wen’s walk upstairs?
- How did Chong Xi Kang know they were in the same class?
- Why did Lee Wai Ken assume that the three people in the class were weirdos? Did he see something weird? Although the events following showed how they were weird, it wasn’t explained at this part of the chapter.
- Chong Xi Kang’s introduction wasn’t as powerful as the other three. When it was clear that John was a pervert, Koh is an “otaku”, and Tan who was a pretty boy, Chong was kind of glossed over. These three had powerful images and scenes attached to them while Chong was only described as sweaty and was doing some jumping jacks on the side. Maybe give Chong his personal scene where he can do his thing?
- Why did Chong Xi Kang shout “Who are you and what have you done to the teacher?!” if it was their first day? Did he meet the teacher before that day? If Chong hadn’t met the teacher before that day, it wouldn’t make sense for him to shout that.
- Why did Chong have an air bazooka? Actually, it’s okay since it’s a comedy/gag novel, but isn’t Chong the jock? I expected him to pull out something more athletic related. So I’m not really questioning the logic of the air bazooka, but rather its relatedness to the character who used it.
- The ending of “Aren’t we all friends?” is heart-warming, but Tan’s question does make sense. Why did they have to run? They literally introduced themselves that day. No character dynamic has been developed between them besides their introductions. They literally have no relationship yet. Basically, it feels forced.

moleypotato As of now, I have only read chapter 1 and 2. So far, the only problem I have is with chapter 2. At the end of chapter 1, the brother was standing on the other side of the door, at the start of chapter 2, there was no description of their current actions, so the assumption was they were still standing by the doorway. I found this weird when the main character started talking to her system. At this point, the scene was the main character and brother standing by the doorway, with her staring at his face, while talking to 1002. Later another descriptive paragraph suggested that she was sitting the whole time since she adjusted her sitting position. Her brother was also using a laptop at the time apparently. Because of this, I became curious as to why the brother went into his sister's room and started working there. Or maybe they switched rooms? This really confused me.

Basically, kulang yung pagdescribe sa ginagawa nila at lugar nila haha.

General advice for writing: Be consistent with your tenses! Sometimes you might be in the past tense while other times you might be in the present tense.

Lappidappi I've read a bit of the game studio system. I should really be sleeping though. Don't worry! I'll be sure to leave a comprehensive critique on your works tomorrow.

Mr_Scary_Cat
Haha I know how you feel.. I should sleep too. But I try to keep my goal of one chapter a day.

Now I am curious, can’t wait to read what you have to say about it tomorrow. Hopefully many bad things, so I can improve!

Mr_Scary_Cat bai, discord kaya?

Lappidappi For the game producer system, the main character is failry uninteresting. The concept is cool, but there's no plot, only a premise. Why does he want to be a game producer? Is it really inportant for him to follow the game system? The ideas you've put down on the table are fairly interesting though. There's a bunch of concepts that you can play around with like the special internet. But the thing really lacking here is the background of the character. It was briefly mentioned in chapter 4 that he's going to quit his teaching job. Although webnovels usually go full wish fulfillment and reader insertion to make readers keep wanting more, the main character still needs to be interesting to do that. Although you can force the character to do stuff by assigning missions via system, it's very forced. What would the character really want to do? Maybe since he's a teacher he could want to make educational games (it does sound boring, but it makes more sense). What is the main character's goal? Because going with the flow makes him really uninteresting.

Also, add me on discord so we can have a proper discussion about this if you want.

Lappidappi So far I've read up to chapter 3 of your other novel. It's far more interesting than your game producer novel in my opinion. As of now, I don't have any major comments about it except grammar mistakes. I'll make a document for all the chapters so far and send it to you on discord.

Mr_Scary_Cat

Thank you for your honest opinion!

It was really helpful to hear a professional opinion. I am going to try and change some things, to make the character feel more alive. To the point about plot: you’re completely right, I started and still am writing without any outline.

Yes the other one I found more interesting too. But sadly I got some back problems, and couldn’t continue writing with my pc in a sitting position. That’s the reason I started the System story on my phone, and because the reactions were much better than the other, I kept going with it.