Good_Light_Sleep So I wrote my comments in chronological order. Ask me if there's a comment you don't understand/disagree with.

Chapter 1
- The part about it being a flashback is not relevant.
- The setting wasn’t established properly. I had to look up what a tuition center is. Where I’m from it’s called a review center. Maybe add a bit more explanation for readers who don’t know what it is.
- Maybe the adjective “groggy” might fit Lee Kai Wen’s walk upstairs?
- How did Chong Xi Kang know they were in the same class?
- Why did Lee Wai Ken assume that the three people in the class were weirdos? Did he see something weird? Although the events following showed how they were weird, it wasn’t explained at this part of the chapter.
- Chong Xi Kang’s introduction wasn’t as powerful as the other three. When it was clear that John was a pervert, Koh is an “otaku”, and Tan who was a pretty boy, Chong was kind of glossed over. These three had powerful images and scenes attached to them while Chong was only described as sweaty and was doing some jumping jacks on the side. Maybe give Chong his personal scene where he can do his thing?
- Why did Chong Xi Kang shout “Who are you and what have you done to the teacher?!” if it was their first day? Did he meet the teacher before that day? If Chong hadn’t met the teacher before that day, it wouldn’t make sense for him to shout that.
- Why did Chong have an air bazooka? Actually, it’s okay since it’s a comedy/gag novel, but isn’t Chong the jock? I expected him to pull out something more athletic related. So I’m not really questioning the logic of the air bazooka, but rather its relatedness to the character who used it.
- The ending of “Aren’t we all friends?” is heart-warming, but Tan’s question does make sense. Why did they have to run? They literally introduced themselves that day. No character dynamic has been developed between them besides their introductions. They literally have no relationship yet. Basically, it feels forced.

      moleypotato As of now, I have only read chapter 1 and 2. So far, the only problem I have is with chapter 2. At the end of chapter 1, the brother was standing on the other side of the door, at the start of chapter 2, there was no description of their current actions, so the assumption was they were still standing by the doorway. I found this weird when the main character started talking to her system. At this point, the scene was the main character and brother standing by the doorway, with her staring at his face, while talking to 1002. Later another descriptive paragraph suggested that she was sitting the whole time since she adjusted her sitting position. Her brother was also using a laptop at the time apparently. Because of this, I became curious as to why the brother went into his sister's room and started working there. Or maybe they switched rooms? This really confused me.

      Basically, kulang yung pagdescribe sa ginagawa nila at lugar nila haha.

          General advice for writing: Be consistent with your tenses! Sometimes you might be in the past tense while other times you might be in the present tense.

          Lappidappi I've read a bit of the game studio system. I should really be sleeping though. Don't worry! I'll be sure to leave a comprehensive critique on your works tomorrow.

              Mr_Scary_Cat
              Haha I know how you feel.. I should sleep too. But I try to keep my goal of one chapter a day.

              Now I am curious, can’t wait to read what you have to say about it tomorrow. Hopefully many bad things, so I can improve!

                  Lappidappi For the game producer system, the main character is failry uninteresting. The concept is cool, but there's no plot, only a premise. Why does he want to be a game producer? Is it really inportant for him to follow the game system? The ideas you've put down on the table are fairly interesting though. There's a bunch of concepts that you can play around with like the special internet. But the thing really lacking here is the background of the character. It was briefly mentioned in chapter 4 that he's going to quit his teaching job. Although webnovels usually go full wish fulfillment and reader insertion to make readers keep wanting more, the main character still needs to be interesting to do that. Although you can force the character to do stuff by assigning missions via system, it's very forced. What would the character really want to do? Maybe since he's a teacher he could want to make educational games (it does sound boring, but it makes more sense). What is the main character's goal? Because going with the flow makes him really uninteresting.

                  Also, add me on discord so we can have a proper discussion about this if you want.

                      Lappidappi So far I've read up to chapter 3 of your other novel. It's far more interesting than your game producer novel in my opinion. As of now, I don't have any major comments about it except grammar mistakes. I'll make a document for all the chapters so far and send it to you on discord.

                          Mr_Scary_Cat

                          Thank you for your honest opinion!

                          It was really helpful to hear a professional opinion. I am going to try and change some things, to make the character feel more alive. To the point about plot: you’re completely right, I started and still am writing without any outline.

                          Yes the other one I found more interesting too. But sadly I got some back problems, and couldn’t continue writing with my pc in a sitting position. That’s the reason I started the System story on my phone, and because the reactions were much better than the other, I kept going with it.

                              Mr_Scary_Cat
                              I have Discord, just it’s difficult for me use it, as I am right now in a foreign country without real WLAN..

                              Would it be possible to correspond over E-mail till then?

                                  Lappidappi Of course, we can talk over email! The system one is a comedy, so of course, it would have those kinds of reactions. Comedies can attract an audience quicker than a serious story, but it might fall flat eventually when jokes get old.

                                      MyCharacterLeads Hello! The amount of books I'm editing is actually starting to have a toll on me. I'll only edit Her Cupid His Cupid since it's a new one. I'll only edit the latest chapter of the Tales of Supremes grammar-wise

                                          I don't mind giving a hand. I already spend most of my time reading novels here

                                            Lappidappi MyCharacterLeads Hello! Can I please have your emails so that I can coordinate you with you guys on editing the last free chapters? If you guys don't send me an email within 2 hours, I'm afraid I'm going to have to drop you guys :(

                                            Also Albion and Blazerado, I'm sorry, but I've stopped giving out free edits. I've updated the post before you guys posted, maybe you didn't see it.

                                                      Web Novel Novel Ask