Yup. I made a decision to go against the norm of fan-fiction. Like creating my own MC and putting him in a different world.
He's going to be OP in future, and be warned. I made the chapter long because I stylized it after western fantasy novrls. So, heads up.
Content - in my opinion 4-5 stars.
Text - from 3 stars. Bad English, grammatical errors.
Pros, thanks to the advice of the reviewer, he began to use the humor thesaurus, it seems the text has come to life a little. Before pouring chapters, double-check once. This is the text.
In content, new methods, knowing where to look for treasures are interesting.
I need advice on improving the novel.
Read chapters 1 through 4. Iām rewriting it now, I began to rewrite chapter 5. It has already taken 7 hours. Still need at least 2 hours.
If I did not give you a review, then I will write, if I did, I can write 5-6 comments on the chapters.
my romance - https://www.webnovel.com/book/15195393805364505/The-Adventures-of-Treasure-Hunters
Noted. I'm still going through it right now, but so far, it's engaging! :)
I'll take a look at yours after my work day ends.
kazesenken It's okay. You can take your time. I'm still reading yours, actually :)
As I said before, don't be rushed to leave a review (you don't actually have to leave one if you don't want to). I would rather you take your time and enjoy the story and let me know your thoughts.
I am, and honestly, I'm liking the story so far. Every time I finish a chapter, I leave a comment, so it might take me a while to finish the story and then review. I might have to continue this tomorrow if I don't finish reading it today.
I added it into my library, just in case :)
Thrilled that you like it enough to binge it. I'm currently staring hopelessly at slides as I work on a presentation that I have to make for work tomorrow.
The_Canary Thanks! You know, I have never read a paranormal book before, only watched shows on TV!
The_Canary Thanks! You know, I have never read a paranormal book before, only watched shows on TV!
Regius_Sanguis reading now, very good material! Lengthy chapters make better books when stories are told right!
Regius_Sanguis reading now, very good material! Lengthy chapters make better books when stories are told right!
Regius_Sanguis
I did get around to reading the two chapters that you had. I think I would like to see a bit more before I can give a honest opinion of it. Do you expect to update soon?
From what I have read so far, I think you have a good setup, but it suffers slightly from wordiness.
Especially in the parts where 'nothing is really happening' as you say in your comments, those parts feel like they are being overly drawn out. The question I have to ask is, 'Why should the reader care that he's in this darkness? Why are you spending so much time explaining it, rather than moving the plot along?' If there is purpose or foreshadowing imbedded, then that is valid. If you just feel like being super descriptive, then it's probably not needed.
Ask yourself as you write, 'do these details add anything to the story?' If not, then cut them out. Effective story-telling starts with having a clear picture of what you want to focus on. And then forming the proper connections to your environments and characters that you add along the way. Your sudden jump from Hadrian to a classroom of kids was a bit jarring. I had to look back to see if I had somehow missed some reason for the transition, but there didn't seem to be.
There is actually a reason why I've written that part in the second. It is to show my readers the scene in Kara no Kyoukai that was rarely written.
When I warned my readers of how the MC is going to be OP, that was a subtle hint of it. The MC was dropped near the center of Akasha. If you do not know, Akasha (or the Swirl of Root) is an unknown realm where all things were born and end. It's the place that Magi strives to reach, no matter what they have to do, in the Fate series.
Think of it as the realm of infinite power in the Fate verse. If you catch even a glimpse, you will obtain something, but also lose something in return. The ones that manage to leave that place gains a sort-of 'god-like' powers. It can even be assumed that the ones that made it out of that place, alive, can no longer be seen as 'humans'.
Also, the 'empty' was meant to be taken as a hint and a pun. The Akashic Records was always something deemed as a place of nothingness but also the opposite. It's confusing, I know, but that's how they explained it in the story of the Fate verse. Though, I suppose you can think of as the realm of where everything is there, a giant archive of knowledge, a ginormous database about everything you can think of, exists within that place.
And, if you're a normal human and you open a path to that place, you have the 99% chances of you dying. Only 1% chance is that you can leave that place alive.
Presently, in canon, there are only two known individuals that reached that realm and leave it safely. These two are Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg and Aoko Aozaki. The Mage Association gave these two people with the title 'Magicians' because they are capable of enacting powers that are beyond modern science and Magecraft.
They can enact the power of 'Miracles' that cannot be replicated by normal means like modern science or by normal humans. For example, resurrecting the dead without negative consequences, time-travel, being able to travel into different realms, creating something out of nothing, and etc.
I put up an explanation in the second author's note to make sure my readers knows what is going on in the first part of chapter 2. Hopefully, this makes you understand that part better as well.
Also, the last part of that chapter is more like a look into how Zelretch, one of the living Magician, is taking the news of his grandchild's birth, and how the Magi of the Clock Tower are reacting to his 'excitement'.
Magi are scared of him, you know. They fear and respect him at the same time. It's a scene that fans of the Fate series will immediately understand.
To be honest, I only wrote that on a whim and short, but since this was a Fate verse crossover, I wanted to give the fans a sort-of bonus chapter by making it long and descriptive! 
Regius_Sanguis
I actually understood the reference as soon as you mentioned it because I have watched Kara no Kyoukai. It still seems to lack a certain finesse due to how it is portrayed, I guess one example that stuck in my mind was when he felt excruciating pain, but you spend a good several paragraphs describing the pain in different ways, often adding a lot of filler words in between the descriptions that needlessly pad the sentences.
Example:
"Throughout the experience, he idly wondered what he had ever done in life to be the bearer of such pain. While it was true that he had felt a pain worse than the one he was currently experiencing, he would admit that he had only felt such a pain for brief moments, but never had he felt such ungodly one that seemed to go on endlessly."
Suggestion:
"Throughout the experience, he considered why life made him bear such pain. Though it was far from the worst he experienced, those occurred in brief moments, whereas his current pain seemed to go on for an ungodly amount of time."
Anyways, I had more of a 'huh' moment when it suddenly went to him being reborn and that event having coinciding with stuff going on at a school somewhere. You briefly mentioned that something important happens there, but you end the chapter with a series of mundane events that give no hint as to that importance. It's missing a punchline, one that you are holding out too long to reveal. That's part of the reason I wanted to see more chapters, cause that part just kinda fell flat.
Honestly, it does lack the finesse, but I tried to make that scene more relatable(?). To describe the pain and what the MC is going through while he is in that realm.
And that's a better suggestion than what I had mind. I hope you don't me borrowing it when I edit the chapter later! (_')
Anyways, the first part of the second chapter was actually the important part of the content. In addition to that, the second and third part was to support it.
Here, let me break it down piece by piece, so that you can understand it better in my perspective when I wrote that chapter.
The scene of when the darkness started was with him being in the realm of the dead. That was with him still in a separate dimension that was in Eos, a realm that Etro, the goddess of death, lives in. She has absolute authority there and whatnot. She thinks of the Lucis Caelum family as her children, as would Bahamut, the astral god of light, does. So, whenever a member of that family dies, they would always have a place in her realm.
Exclusive right, I guess.
Now, when I described him being inside the darkness. He's doesn't know that he's in that realm. After all, while he does believe in astral gods, none of them really appeared before him to explain the situation, of what was going to happen to him next and why. He's in Valhalla. Well, the isolated part of the realm, but he doesn't know about it. All he knows is that he's dead and he's in a realm of complete darkness.
Imagine if you are in his shoes. You're dead, but you're conscious. You remember how you died, but you have no idea of where you are and how you got there. You believe in the gods and the stories that had passed on in your family, but none of them nor anyone appeared before you to at least explain the situation.
During those moments, all he has is own thoughts and assumptions. I wrote it in his perspective because I want my readers to relate to his experience, to see and feel what was happening to him during that scene.
Next, when the scene of him being submerged began, that was actually him being transferred to another realm, which was the Fate verse. Coincidentally though, the astral gods had dropped him off near to the center of the Akashic Records. I just improvise that scene because the episode in Kara no Kyoukai didn't exactly provided me a good glimpse of what the center of the Root looks like.
In the far off distance, it looks like a vortex Milky Way full of blue stars. The Type Moon wiki didn't help me either with my research, so I had no choice but to improvise in describing to the best of my ability. It's fine if it lacked finesse or such, because really, who can describe that place without the risk of being misunderstood even more by the readers that don't know much about the anime? Nonetheless, I tried my best and I have no regrets. I'm just bummed that the description of the scene turned out that way. Guess I'll just edit it later on...
After that, the scene with the pain and its various description is because of the connection to the Root is being made. Shiki Ryougi didn't experience because she was probably numb inside that realm. The MC was completely aware and felt those sensations as if he was alive and has a real body. By establishing a connection through the core of his soul, he felt that pain. The Root took an interest in him because he just appeared out of nowhere.
Hence, the result of the scene.
Next up is the scene with second part and third part of the chapter. It's actually spoilers, but I suppose it's alright if I tell you since it seems you're most curious about it. Well, on second thought it's not really that much of a spoiler since I just explained the first part. I suppose I'm at fault for writing the description too vaguely.
Anyways, the second and third part of the chapter was because Zelretch discovered that his own grandson has a direct connection to the Swirl of the Root. If Touko Aozaki was able to discover that Shiki Ryougi has a connection to the Root simply by observing the latter, then it would be easier and quicker for someone who had reached the Swirl of the Root to recognize the connection. Him being crazy happy and freaking out the Magi in the Clock Tower is the result of his unexpected discovery. That's pretty much it, really.
Also, Waver doesn't know. He only knows that Zelretch has a new heir to his legacy, but he doesn't know about the connection to the Root.
Hope this helps clear the vagueness of the chapter! :)
By the way, I have a question about yours.
What influenced you to create a story with a unique MC that depends on crits to fight? I also noticed that it has some similarities with an anime that I know. Familiar of Zero, what with the familiar thing. Was it influence by it, perhaps?
Hey, Joy! :)
Just finished reading your story and left you a review. The story is good, but it just needs a bit of polishing. Like making the paragraphs short for better reading. Other than that, it's a good story. I hope you finish it.
Also, thank you for the generous review. I appreciate it, and suggestions helped as well! :)
I also wonder where the origins of the curse came from. Was it influenced by a myth or something?
Regius_Sanguis
Sure, I don't mind you using my suggestion.
Just a thought. If it takes that much explanation, wouldn't it be better to gloss over that part and save it for later? The beginning of a story is best for establishing characters and giving readers and idea of what to expect in terms of scenario. While I understand that the Root plays a big part in establishing his powers, there are likely better ways to implement them based on how your story progresses.
For example, you could have Hadrian dream about his experience and slowly make connections as he discovers his new word. It was implied that Noctis frequently had dreams that guided him. That way, you don't front load all of the details.
As for the second part, it just seems so short that you're left wondering why he was introduced, other than just that he felt a disturbance in the force. Either, you could have ended it with the old man cackled and as to why (actually give him some screentime with dialogue), and third part should be a new chapter. Or...Introduced the academy setting and the characters involved a bit more and then ended it with the discovery.
My friends and I were joking about how isekai anime titles seemed to be so ridiculously long as of late. We were coming up with our own, when I came up with this one.
Since I've watched a lot of anime, I noticed that there seemed to be a lack of a gimmick that involved the critical stat. So yes, Familiar of Zero and a lot of other anime influenced this. As I started writing (this is my first piece of fiction btw), the story just seemed to take off. Along the way, I hid random references to many of these things, in part because Claude is an otaku, and also because I happened to think of a similar thing from some anime or video game at that moment.
