Gaureeey my book: https://www.webnovel.com/book/citrigar-of-eons-and-dreams_18820141906312905/the-dragon-and-the-clover_50520468268049574
It's not bad, but in the first chapter, I immediately see some ways you can make it flow better. You include 2 anaphora; There is the one about the color brown and the one where you use "wouldn't". Personally, I find the one about brown to be a bit excessive, but that's also a nitpicky opinion. The one with "wouldn't" is a bit more problematic. Using it a second time so soon runs the risk of the technique being repetitive. Those three sentences also don't feel very connected at all. I would consider writing it as one speech segment rather than three separate questions.
There are also some redundancies in other parts. Where you write "It would never be the same..." I would expect the character to be hurting physically if they were gripping their heart.
I would definitely stay away from stuff like Dave is having a minor flashback after blacking out on the floor There are many other ways to set up/describe a flashback. Though its not necessarily a novel, Orange is a manga that has a ton of flashbacks. You can check it out and see how the describe it or set it up. Just having a message like that kinda makes it weird to read.
