Gaureeey my book: https://www.webnovel.com/book/citrigar-of-eons-and-dreams_18820141906312905/the-dragon-and-the-clover_50520468268049574

It's not bad, but in the first chapter, I immediately see some ways you can make it flow better. You include 2 anaphora; There is the one about the color brown and the one where you use "wouldn't". Personally, I find the one about brown to be a bit excessive, but that's also a nitpicky opinion. The one with "wouldn't" is a bit more problematic. Using it a second time so soon runs the risk of the technique being repetitive. Those three sentences also don't feel very connected at all. I would consider writing it as one speech segment rather than three separate questions.

There are also some redundancies in other parts. Where you write "It would never be the same..." I would expect the character to be hurting physically if they were gripping their heart.

I would definitely stay away from stuff like Dave is having a minor flashback after blacking out on the floor There are many other ways to set up/describe a flashback. Though its not necessarily a novel, Orange is a manga that has a ton of flashbacks. You can check it out and see how the describe it or set it up. Just having a message like that kinda makes it weird to read.

      Typhlix

      left you a review! Only read up to chapter 4 so far since you only had to read one chapter, but will read more later. Left you some paragraph comments, feel free to delete them.

        Here for review swaps, hoping for a well-constructed review. Thanks I'll do the same too of course.

        Title: Xavion Silverfate
        https://www.webnovel.com/book/xavion-silverfate_17261859106229905

        Cover made specially by co-author @Nachetankya_Akira
        Being a victim of the injustice law, Xianne Vyde pledge to save her father. But the dots were connected and they block the gates, she was left with no choice but to trust Xavion Silverfate.

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