Jiggsaww

mc is a gary su and sounds a bit annoying in the first chapter.

The intro is also not extremely compelling, and also sounds a bit too meta.

...He introduces the book.

the second chapter is borderline not understandable.

bunch of characters that aren't described just dumped into a scenario.

Readers can't read your mind.

some syntax errors

the structure of your novel is also weird.

You info dump in the beginning, and then switch to someone's pov every chapter.

the mc feels obnoxious...

you still have cap errors in the latest chapters.

Continue writing, I guess. The blurb is ok, tho. MC still sounds... terribly egoistic.

      lazy_wanderer

      does your synopsis mean she's technically nonbinary? Lol, living as both genders.

          lazy_wanderer

          the way you describe thing is kinda boring, punctuation and capitalization errors, you're telling too much in the first chapter.

          You first chapter seems like an outline more than an actual chapter. The second chapter is better, but certain parts are still clunky.

          You have a paragraph in ch 2 that could be sep into more paragraphs, it's too cluttered, talks ab too many things, and has too many tense changes and continuity errors. Going from one thing to another...

            well you can say that.
            but she does not change much outside except you know...
            i have quite fun writing her changes but that chapters are not out yet.

              yeah i know i try to improve all that as i go. i always think i am not giving enough info and then end up talking too much. juts like in real life.

                takunithecat

                good news is that your info dump incorporates well into the first chapter, so there's that, and the writing is pretty good. Setting is established well.

                Still, certain parts feel like you're telling the story rather than actually engrossing the readers. 10th paragraph is probs the most jarring, simply because you go from general worldbuilding to focus on two kids and you write: two children could be seen, maybe write "were desperately seen...." instead of "could be seen" to reduce clutter and make it a bit more cohesive.

                Check the cohesiveness of the 11th paragraph, think there's a mistake there.

                also edit: I realize that it was in fact being told, but I still don't like the 10th paragraph haha.

                your novel is really interesting.

                    thanks for the honesty really . sometimes people are embarrassed to do that.
                    will try to take your advices into consideration really thank you sensei. >.<

                    AuHNG Hello, thank you for your review! It's my first time trying to write so I don't really know how to Ahah. I even stop at some point it's been months since I have stopped to write.... Any way many thanks for taking the time to read!!

                        AuHNG Oh yeah, did you comment once on a paragraph? I think I remember seeing your username

                            AuHNG I get what you mean and I agree with you. I haven't started using Grammarly in my first 20 chapters of my story (I never edit them too), hence, the messy sentences/incomplete thought processes as a result. I'll try to edit them in my free time! Thank you for pointing them out! :)

                              [unknown]

                              grammarly is pretty useful for small mistakes, but writing is something you have to work on by yourself.

                                Web Novel Novel Ask