@Epyonnn
Y.R. Honest review #4
Title: Non-Player Character
Author: Epyonnn
Chapters read: Until chapter 8
So hum… I don’t have much to say but well, I’ll get into it.
Story, Character Design, Wording, Grammar and World Building are good.
Story:
An interesting intake on the genre. Not a revolution per see but interesting in the way that the character doesn’t find himself in the with the help of some kind of divine being after suicide. It’s in fact logical enough to be believable.
Character Design:
Apart from the minor detail, I found that you know of, and that’s because I’m a bastard who smells poop from afar, I’ve got nothing to say.
Good character evolution, at least the main character. I haven’t read about the others but since the story turned out to be told form the MC’s point of view (first person,) then it leaves fewer chances for other characters to grow. Unless we switch to their point of view. But that might get confusing in the long run. Maybe, maybe not. Just food for thoughts.Also, if you wanna test something that aren’t common but does work you can use first person while telling the story of your own MC and third person while telling the story of other characters. A great example of that is a novel I recommend: “Beware of Chicken.” You’ll find it on Royal Royal and a few other sites.
Wording/Grammar:
What do you even want me to say about this? I make more mistakes than you do lol. I’ve spotted no issues so far.
World Building:
Well… it is vast. I’ve just started reading into the world-building of the game itself and it does feel boundless. I’ll continue to read the story from time to time and might just give you an update on that one.
Advice:
Alright, but I did find something you might already know or just might be interested in knowing.
Here’s the thing: it’s too bookish.
To understand/explain what I’m trying to say let me first talk about something you probably didn’t take into account, or you did, I don’t know.
ACCELERATION
I do not know if this is the proper word in English, since it’s not my native language, but that will do, I hope. What is acceleration? It’s a concept that internet worsened or we could even say gave birth to. The world, since internet’s creation accelerated, or strictly speaking our daily lives did.
Our daily lives don’t even compare to our grandparent's slow-type life. I won’t linger on this ‘cause there is so much to talk about.
But to put it in a nutshell, we do much more in one day than the previous generation did.
This leads to a lot of issues people aren’t aware of it or just downright choose to ignore it.
And one of them is “wanting everything right now,” meaning impatience.
What does that have to do with online novels? Very simple, if your first chapter, no, your first paragraph isn’t interesting, people will let go. I’m not saying yours isn’t interesting, it actually is.
However, it might not be interesting for the current trends. I was waiting for something like your character kicking asses in-game right at the first or second chapter, but didn’t find that.
What I found is something really well written. I found myself sailing during calm weather. No waves, no storms whatsoever. It was a good flow. But… It was not boring but more like… a refreshing walk on the beach? Not that entertaining.
The main character has struggles, but he is kinda pathetic to look at. And I came to understand that a lot of people like to watch OP MC on this website which your MC isn't. And that's not a bad thing.
How-the-very-ever, your MC doesn’t show even a particular talent, he’s kinda plain to look at. We already know that he’s in the top 5 but there is nothing really showing it.
I thought he would be really different in the game but he just had to ask advice from Grace during the first raid showed in your novel. And this guy got duped by a small time character. To me, it’s not befitting a guy from the top 5. Although, all those aspects were very justified in your novel, there is something that doesn’t click there to me.
I think that you're trying to build an non too op character at first, or maybe he'll become downright OP in the near future. But I think you should give something for your readers to chew on before that happens.
Which brings me back to this: it’s too bookish.
Meaning it’s something I would find in a library with a slow but, interesting starter for those who know how to appreciate it, that works on making an overall build-up to emphasize the climax.
But as I see it, there is a need in online novels to have some semi-climaxes here and there, at least until your readers are well hooked. Meaning when they will not leave the story unless something extremely major happens. That's why I think a lot of people write shit tons of fight scenes to keep readers somewhat interested despite the lack of real depth to their story.
Although I’m saying this, but I’m really in the same situation as you are. That’s why I’m experimenting with a few things.
Anyway, I hope that was useful. Keep in mind that this is my take on it and what I've come to realize. Whatever you decide in the end is your choice.
Since I couldn’t really find anything else to say, I emphasized this point since I find it important. And ended up making a very long review in the process... LOL. That was unplanned for.
Read you later mate.
