It looks like our host here is busy, I will review yours at the end of the week.
Detailed Review Request Thread!!
Yoan_Roturier Thanks for your input!
Yeah, the whole acceleration thing was an issue that I recognized since planning the first stages of my story. I tried to make the first few chapters go by as fast as possible, but there was just so much that I had to pack into it for the sake of developing Claudia. It's one of the things about my story that I hate but need to have.
As for the MC not being very talented at the game, it's because he isn't. He's only top 5 because he's played it so much. Even a veteran player will need info on new bosses for games. Should I have been more upfront about this point?
Anyway, if there's something to take from your critique, it's to CURSE THE INTERNET FOR MAKING KIDS' ATTENTION SPANS SO SHORT!
But, oh well. I've just always been the dude to write his story however he wants. Even if I can't appeal to the majority of readers, I can at least appeal to some of them, and that's what matters to me.
@JFLGoiri I gave your novel a read, and here are my thoughts:
First off, there are waaaaaaay too many semicolons. They tend to break the flow of sentences just as much as periods, and I suggest combing clauses using conjunctions. Usually, semicolons are a stylistic choice since they can be replaced by periods, but try not to go too ham. Reading the paragraph feels like driving a car but slamming the brakes right after hitting the acceleration.
Next, dialogue should be in its own separate paragraphs. Please refer to a website on how to format and punctuate dialogue. As a rule of thumb, you should only have dialogue within a paragraph if it is absolutely necessary for the context. If you want, you can still attach a sentence or two with the dialogue tag.
I also wanted to mention your use of onomatopoeia. They're fine, but I personally don't enjoy reading too many of them. Usually, you only want to use onomatopoeias to emphasize certain noises and increase their impact on the story. Otherwise, it's usually preferable to just describe the sound. Keep in mind that onomatopoeias are stylistic choices, and this is just personal advice.
Other than those few points above, remember to proofread your work and study some grammar. I feel that your story was exciting (I'll give my thoughts about the story in the next paragraph), but the sentence structure really took me out of the immersion. It's okay to have style, but too much style can be distracting. Try to stay closer to conventional sentence structure to prevent reader confusion.
As for the story, it starts off quite well. The reader is simultaneously introduced to action AND a mystery. You already know I was oozing with excitement. There isn't much of the story yet, but you did a good job of setting up the world and the main characters, so there isn't much else to say about it. Just try not to crash a burn, and you're all set.
Finally, I wanted to talk about your synopsis. Because it's too short, it barely gives any context to your story. The line "Now he has to play a significant role in an interplanar war while learning to control his new found abilities and understanding his past." is great for capturing the readers' attention, but why is the war happening, and what's going on with the world? (also, as a side note, "new found" is supposed to be one word). I suggest visiting https://blog.reedsy.com/write-blurb-novel/ for a step-by-step guide on writing a synopsis/blub.
Epyonnn
You're welcome.
As long as you're satisfied with your book mate, that's all that matters. :)
Yoan_Roturier
Sure. No problem.
I'm actually real active on the forum, but I just recently changed my book cover and profile picture so I look brand new now
I have swapped regular reviews, but not these crazy detailed types. I'm just attracted by your legit effort so...
Yeah, whenever you feel comfy enough I guess.
Thanks.
Yeah, I did see your name around now that you say it.
True that the cover picture is different.
Alright mate, just give me some time.
@waurpel This is a great novel, and I don't think it's dry or uninteresting at all. With that being said, here are some things I noticed:
Title, Cover, and Synopsis
Formally speaking, you should capitalize all important words in your title (everything except for conjunctions and particles). It's possible that you chose to stylize your title, so correct me if I'm wrong. You can keep the format lowercase if you prefer.
The cover art good, albeit simplistic. But's that's not bad or anything. As for the title, I think it would pop out more if you centered the words and placed them near the top or bottom two-thirds of the cover (think of the rule of thirds, also it's more of a guideline than a rigid rule). Also, the words probably need stronger shadowing to bring them out more. Finally, adding your name and the webnovel logo can make the cover look more professional, but that's up to you. In the end, you're the one who gets to decide how they make their own cover.
The synopsis is decent by itself, but you should give some more context. Try to show Silika's daily life, describe the accident, and note some of the repercussions. That will give readers a better understanding of what story they're getting into. The line where you say "her quiet life began" only makes sense to someone who realized that Silika became deaf. Honestly, I think that "quiet life" is a genius line that fits perfectly with the story, but if a potential reader makes that connection while looking at the synopsis, then it will increase your novel's appeal.
Prose and Grammar
The prose is great stuff, all things considered. I enjoyed the way that you described things and you gave a nice insight into the main characters' thoughts. Still, there are a decent amount of grammar errors, most notably missing commas after introductory clauses. There are also spots where you put an extra space between words. I recommend proofreading at least twice, and you should be able to catch most of the stuff I mentioned.
Story
The story is really, really interesting. I found myself wondering just exactly what was going on with Silika, and the reveal was well-done. I quite liked how you showed Goldie's side of the story. On top of that, you did an amazing job of developing the world's religious system without using massive encyclopedia exposition dumbs. Props to you for making such an intriguing world!
Unfortunately, your story fits into a weird/niche genre that webnovel doesn't really have an option for. You labeled it as historical romance, but I haven't seen much history or romance unless you plan on adding that later. I feel that the story may fit into more of just a female-leading fantasy. You also take your time to develop the main characters and their problems, which is great, but a lot of people either don't have the attention span or wouldn't be interested in your genre (not to say that your novel is bad). I suffer from the same dilemma since I take six chapters in my book to develop my main character before getting into the VR gaming portion which I originally advertised. The genre stuff can't be helped, so just keep writing how you normally would do.
Miscellaneous
I put a paragraph comment about this, but I'm pretty sure "Darkie" is a derogatory term. Personally, I don't feel too much of a problem since it follows along the lines of Silika's nicknaming, and she doesn't know better as a five-year-old. I don't think you should have to change it unless other people point out the term, but be careful that you're not offending anyone.
Final Thoughts
You seemed a little bit timid when you requested a critique, but have more pride in your work. Once you fix the grammar mistakes, I think your story can really be a masterpiece, and I'm not exaggerating.
Whenever I feel discouraged with my own work, I tell myself, "It can't be as bad as The Rise of Skywalker." (or insert any trash story that you personally despise in place of The Rise of Skywalker)
Anyway, here's a quick Tl;DR:
- Improve the Title, Cover, and Synopsis for first impressions
- Fix grammar mistakes
- For the love of Meiriem, don't crash and burn such a good story
That's about it. Keep up the good work!
Epyonnn
Thank you very much for your review! A lot of what you mentionned is very insightful.
I've already gone ahead and modified my cover to be a bit more on point!
I'm actually really struggling with the synopsis, it's my third one already and I'm still working on it. I don't want to give too much away and yet I still have to entice readers... It's a real pickle.
Yeah, my grammar and review process needs some improvement. I'm admitedly a very slow reader so reviewing myself is always something I struggle with, but must improve!
My genre IS niche and that's a hill I will happily die on. It's a story I want to tell and it adresses a lot of topic that I think are important. Webnovel sure isn't helpful by making anything with a female protagonist automatically a romance, but that's another topic all-together... I mostly put it as historical because of her standings as a noble (which the story will not stray too far from without spoiling anything), but there is a lot of fantastical element, so I will consider changing it.
Yeah you got me good with the Darkie thing. Interstingly, the issue of colour (and their related dieties) in my story is meant to be a commentary on real world xenophobia/racism. I DID go through about 3 other names when developing the plush, but anything I came up with that would be realistic in character always felt more derogatory or out-of-character. I think I'll stick with it for now unless I start getting harrased over it. Admitedly I'm ESL so it didn't really occur to me that Darkie could be put in the same league as other terms that I would trully consider racist.
Alright, first things first, I choose to ignore your request because you didn't use the method I described in the first post.
Second, it seems someone already picked your request. Did you accept it?
waurpel I'll help you out with the synopsis. Here's an idea:
In a world where rank, blood ties, and religion are intertwined, Silika Everest lived an idyllic life as the third child of the Marquess of Oblon, spending her carefree life playing with her siblings and friends to her hearts' content.
Until one fateful day, when she fell off a tree and injured herself. When she woke up from the injury, everything seemed...wrong and confusing. She couldn't hear a thing. Now, her family despises her, and she doesn't know why. Silika's entire world had been flipped on its head.
That day her quiet life beganāan unforgiving life where all odds were stacked against her.
Basically, I added the part "spending her carefree life playing with her siblings and friends to her hearts' content." to give more context about Silika's daily life. I also described the accident without going into too much detail (hopefully). Other than that, I also fixed some grammar. I hope my idea can help you formulate your synopsis.
Hello,
Please check my story out and give an honest review. I'm open to anything and would appreciate comments on where I can improve.
Title : I HAVE A FIANCEE ?!
Genre : Royal romance, Realistic
Synopsis :
"You're early. Why the bad mood ? Getting married so soon your highness ?"
"Shut up, Jaden. This is no joke. It's the 21st century for god's sake and I'm still 22 which means I've got a million things to do and marriage is not one of them. Damn it! I don't know what Father is thinking" I was annoyed.
"Well, it was a surprise when he actually listened to you and let you come to college when what you actually should've done is participate in all those boring political discussions, give a comment here and there and serve the country. You are our beloved, handsome, genius one and only prince after all" Jaden cracked up laughing. Making fun of me seemed have become an annoying hobby of his, besides making sarcastic comments on almost everything. I sighed.
"Since you're saying so, why don't you shut up & let me think. That's an order" I snapped, making him laugh even more.
"Trust me Charlie, you're hilarious. What can you say, life's full of surprises.
Life certainly is full of surprises ...
Link : https://www.webnovel.com/book/i-have-a-fiancee-!_19977193006327505
Thank you !
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Hello,
Please check my story out and give an honest review. I'm open to anything and would appreciate comments on where I can improve.
Title: Find me in your memory
Genre: Contemporary, Fantasy romance
Synopsis:
Meet Elena Carlo
The sister of the cold-blooded king of the international underworld. Not only did she come from one of the most powerful criminal family she was also known as a genius and prodigy amongst her peers. She had everything with her luxury, money, beauty, and most importantly her brother who raised her making everyone envious. He was her everything just like she was his until one cold night where she was assassinated. Just when she thought everything has come to an end. She woke up as Xin Xiulin a 17-year-old orphan who has lost everything. Was a new beginning a curse or a blessing?
Meet Jun Zixuan
The president of a multibillionaire company.The king of the country's business world who only a very few can dare to offend. Having his heart broken already he believed he can never love again until he starts to notice changes in the silent orphan in his house. Her similarities to a certain someone made it easier for her to worm her way into his heart. While all she knew was familial love can he teach her something new? While she would like to go back to her brother can he stop her?
But what if her shadow of the past never left her? Would it come back to haunt her? Will she embrace that fire or burn in it?
But the life of Xin Xiulin wasn't as easy as it looked. While past acquaintances kept coming can she know who is a friend and who is a foe?
If you want to know the answer come join her and him in this wonderful journey of love, hatred, and longing.
Link:https://www.webnovel.com/book/find-me-in-your-memory_20311302605090405###
Thank you
Ohh that does sound good! I tried to give it a twist, how does this sound:
In a world where rank, blood-ties and religion are intertwined; Silika Everest lived an idyllic life as the third child of the Marquess of Oblon, spending her time causing trouble for the estate servants and playing with her siblings to her heart's content under the doting
Until a faithful day when a game of hide and seek turned into tragedy. When she woke up, her life had turned on its head, everything she had and the people she loved slipping away from her.
That day her quiet life beganā an unforgiving life where all odds are stacked against her.
How's that?
Yoan_Roturier
Thanks a lot.
Epyonnn HA! GOOD SPOT. I was gonna write something else but forgot. I'll just remove it. and compress the second paragraph:
In a world where rank, blood-ties and religion are intertwined; Silika Everest lived an idyllic life as the third child of the Marquess of Oblon, spending her time causing trouble for the estate servants and playing with her siblings to her heart's content.
Until a faithful day when a game of hide and seek turned into tragedy. When she woke up, her life had turned on its head, everything she had now slipping away from her.
That day her quiet life beganā an unforgiving life where all odds are stacked against her.
Hello, my favorite thread! I have republished my novel and rebranded it (as well as rewriting) after taking in the honest advice fully. I would appreciate an honest review of where it is now (only has 5 chapters thus far), and I will give an equally honest, detailed review in return. (or 3 days' worth of powerstones if you already have your intake of honest reviews :P)
Soulmate Game : Her Lethal Love
Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/soulmate-game-her-lethal-love_20340245006547205
Synopsis:
Everyone has a destined soulmate, and in the World of Syre, a game is played amongst four empires to find your fated half.
Occurring every 30 years, chosen nobles and royalty are gifted with the memory of their past life and an invitation to the game by the Mercy of God. The rules are simple: find your soulmate at all costs.
If you lose, you and your family are cursed to die within 12 months. If you win, you are gifted with the highest social class's prosperity and wealth for the rest of your life.
Mira was a spy who reincarnated into an orphan peasant. When she receives half of her memories with an invitation to the True Half game, her first motivation is to find and save her brother.
But why are these three handsome men always in her way? The playful Duke heir, the cold-hearted Crown Prince, and the mysterious noble Xith keep messing up her plans! Mira wants nothing to do with themāuntil itās revealed that one of them is her real True Half.
Will she find her brother?
Will she find her soulmate?
Will she uncover the secrets of this evil game?
Letās find out.