PinkLemons

Hi man, thanks for the compliment but I do think the guy up there Epyonnn is more thorough than I am. Because I am what I like to call an instinctual writer. I can't actually back up my advices that well, at least that's how I feel. However, I can somehow feel some sort of flows from novels. Don't ask me how, it's just how it is after reading a certain number of novels. lol...

Hum, about joining my discord server. I'll be straight, I've never really exchanged with you before on the forum. Even if it's not something of big server with top authors, I still do some sort of background check on the people I invite. No offense buddy. Maybe once I'll get to know you a bit better and after reading your work. Do get more active on this page, swap reviews with other people, and stuff.

As for you review, I've got a lot of stuff to do for now. But I'll check it out eventually. Just don't expect it to be this week or even next week.

      @Epyonnn

      Y.R. Honest review #4

      Title: Non-Player Character

      Author: Epyonnn

      Chapters read: Until chapter 8

      So hum… I don’t have much to say but well, I’ll get into it.

      Story, Character Design, Wording, Grammar and World Building are good.

      Story:

      An interesting intake on the genre. Not a revolution per see but interesting in the way that the character doesn’t find himself in the with the help of some kind of divine being after suicide. It’s in fact logical enough to be believable.

      Character Design:

      Apart from the minor detail, I found that you know of, and that’s because I’m a bastard who smells poop from afar, I’ve got nothing to say.

      Good character evolution, at least the main character. I haven’t read about the others but since the story turned out to be told form the MC’s point of view (first person,) then it leaves fewer chances for other characters to grow. Unless we switch to their point of view. But that might get confusing in the long run. Maybe, maybe not. Just food for thoughts.Also, if you wanna test something that aren’t common but does work you can use first person while telling the story of your own MC and third person while telling the story of other characters. A great example of that is a novel I recommend: “Beware of Chicken.” You’ll find it on Royal Royal and a few other sites.

      Wording/Grammar:
      What do you even want me to say about this? I make more mistakes than you do lol. I’ve spotted no issues so far.

      World Building:
      Well… it is vast. I’ve just started reading into the world-building of the game itself and it does feel boundless. I’ll continue to read the story from time to time and might just give you an update on that one.

      Advice:

      Alright, but I did find something you might already know or just might be interested in knowing.

      Here’s the thing: it’s too bookish.

      To understand/explain what I’m trying to say let me first talk about something you probably didn’t take into account, or you did, I don’t know.

      ACCELERATION

      I do not know if this is the proper word in English, since it’s not my native language, but that will do, I hope. What is acceleration? It’s a concept that internet worsened or we could even say gave birth to. The world, since internet’s creation accelerated, or strictly speaking our daily lives did.

      Our daily lives don’t even compare to our grandparent's slow-type life. I won’t linger on this ‘cause there is so much to talk about.

      But to put it in a nutshell, we do much more in one day than the previous generation did.

      This leads to a lot of issues people aren’t aware of it or just downright choose to ignore it.

      And one of them is “wanting everything right now,” meaning impatience.

      What does that have to do with online novels? Very simple, if your first chapter, no, your first paragraph isn’t interesting, people will let go. I’m not saying yours isn’t interesting, it actually is.

      However, it might not be interesting for the current trends. I was waiting for something like your character kicking asses in-game right at the first or second chapter, but didn’t find that.

      What I found is something really well written. I found myself sailing during calm weather. No waves, no storms whatsoever. It was a good flow. But… It was not boring but more like… a refreshing walk on the beach? Not that entertaining.

      The main character has struggles, but he is kinda pathetic to look at. And I came to understand that a lot of people like to watch OP MC on this website which your MC isn't. And that's not a bad thing.

      How-the-very-ever, your MC doesn’t show even a particular talent, he’s kinda plain to look at. We already know that he’s in the top 5 but there is nothing really showing it.

      I thought he would be really different in the game but he just had to ask advice from Grace during the first raid showed in your novel. And this guy got duped by a small time character. To me, it’s not befitting a guy from the top 5. Although, all those aspects were very justified in your novel, there is something that doesn’t click there to me.

      I think that you're trying to build an non too op character at first, or maybe he'll become downright OP in the near future. But I think you should give something for your readers to chew on before that happens.

      Which brings me back to this: it’s too bookish.

      Meaning it’s something I would find in a library with a slow but, interesting starter for those who know how to appreciate it, that works on making an overall build-up to emphasize the climax.

      But as I see it, there is a need in online novels to have some semi-climaxes here and there, at least until your readers are well hooked. Meaning when they will not leave the story unless something extremely major happens. That's why I think a lot of people write shit tons of fight scenes to keep readers somewhat interested despite the lack of real depth to their story.

      Although I’m saying this, but I’m really in the same situation as you are. That’s why I’m experimenting with a few things.

      Anyway, I hope that was useful. Keep in mind that this is my take on it and what I've come to realize. Whatever you decide in the end is your choice.

      Since I couldn’t really find anything else to say, I emphasized this point since I find it important. And ended up making a very long review in the process... LOL. That was unplanned for.

      Read you later mate.

        Hey! I'm looking for some constructive critism on my story! It's a bit on the dry side I feel and I'm worried if the pacing or the content is too boring... If you have any insight or advice I'm all ears!

        My quiet life

        alernatetext

        https://www.webnovel.com/book/my-quiet-life_19715913005014005

        Synopsis

        In a world where rank, blood-ties and religion are intertwined; Silika Everest was living an idyllic life as the third child of the Marquess of Oblon.

        That is until a faithful incident changed her life in ways she could never have imagined.

        That day her quiet life began. An unforgiving life where all odds are stacked against her.

          Yoan_Roturier Thanks for your input!
          Yeah, the whole acceleration thing was an issue that I recognized since planning the first stages of my story. I tried to make the first few chapters go by as fast as possible, but there was just so much that I had to pack into it for the sake of developing Claudia. It's one of the things about my story that I hate but need to have.

          As for the MC not being very talented at the game, it's because he isn't. He's only top 5 because he's played it so much. Even a veteran player will need info on new bosses for games. Should I have been more upfront about this point?

          Anyway, if there's something to take from your critique, it's to CURSE THE INTERNET FOR MAKING KIDS' ATTENTION SPANS SO SHORT!

          But, oh well. I've just always been the dude to write his story however he wants. Even if I can't appeal to the majority of readers, I can at least appeal to some of them, and that's what matters to me.

              @JFLGoiri I gave your novel a read, and here are my thoughts:

              First off, there are waaaaaaay too many semicolons. They tend to break the flow of sentences just as much as periods, and I suggest combing clauses using conjunctions. Usually, semicolons are a stylistic choice since they can be replaced by periods, but try not to go too ham. Reading the paragraph feels like driving a car but slamming the brakes right after hitting the acceleration.

              Next, dialogue should be in its own separate paragraphs. Please refer to a website on how to format and punctuate dialogue. As a rule of thumb, you should only have dialogue within a paragraph if it is absolutely necessary for the context. If you want, you can still attach a sentence or two with the dialogue tag.

              I also wanted to mention your use of onomatopoeia. They're fine, but I personally don't enjoy reading too many of them. Usually, you only want to use onomatopoeias to emphasize certain noises and increase their impact on the story. Otherwise, it's usually preferable to just describe the sound. Keep in mind that onomatopoeias are stylistic choices, and this is just personal advice.

              Other than those few points above, remember to proofread your work and study some grammar. I feel that your story was exciting (I'll give my thoughts about the story in the next paragraph), but the sentence structure really took me out of the immersion. It's okay to have style, but too much style can be distracting. Try to stay closer to conventional sentence structure to prevent reader confusion.

              As for the story, it starts off quite well. The reader is simultaneously introduced to action AND a mystery. You already know I was oozing with excitement. There isn't much of the story yet, but you did a good job of setting up the world and the main characters, so there isn't much else to say about it. Just try not to crash a burn, and you're all set.

              Finally, I wanted to talk about your synopsis. Because it's too short, it barely gives any context to your story. The line "Now he has to play a significant role in an interplanar war while learning to control his new found abilities and understanding his past." is great for capturing the readers' attention, but why is the war happening, and what's going on with the world? (also, as a side note, "new found" is supposed to be one word). I suggest visiting https://blog.reedsy.com/write-blurb-novel/ for a step-by-step guide on writing a synopsis/blub.

              Epyonnn Sure sounds good! I'll also have a look at yours and let you know what I think!

                Epyonnn
                You're welcome.

                As long as you're satisfied with your book mate, that's all that matters. :)

                    Yoan_Roturier
                    Sure. No problem.
                    I'm actually real active on the forum, but I just recently changed my book cover and profile picture so I look brand new now😂

                    I have swapped regular reviews, but not these crazy detailed types. I'm just attracted by your legit effort so...

                    Yeah, whenever you feel comfy enough I guess.

                    Thanks.

                        @waurpel This is a great novel, and I don't think it's dry or uninteresting at all. With that being said, here are some things I noticed:

                        Title, Cover, and Synopsis

                        Formally speaking, you should capitalize all important words in your title (everything except for conjunctions and particles). It's possible that you chose to stylize your title, so correct me if I'm wrong. You can keep the format lowercase if you prefer.

                        The cover art good, albeit simplistic. But's that's not bad or anything. As for the title, I think it would pop out more if you centered the words and placed them near the top or bottom two-thirds of the cover (think of the rule of thirds, also it's more of a guideline than a rigid rule). Also, the words probably need stronger shadowing to bring them out more. Finally, adding your name and the webnovel logo can make the cover look more professional, but that's up to you. In the end, you're the one who gets to decide how they make their own cover.

                        The synopsis is decent by itself, but you should give some more context. Try to show Silika's daily life, describe the accident, and note some of the repercussions. That will give readers a better understanding of what story they're getting into. The line where you say "her quiet life began" only makes sense to someone who realized that Silika became deaf. Honestly, I think that "quiet life" is a genius line that fits perfectly with the story, but if a potential reader makes that connection while looking at the synopsis, then it will increase your novel's appeal.

                        Prose and Grammar

                        The prose is great stuff, all things considered. I enjoyed the way that you described things and you gave a nice insight into the main characters' thoughts. Still, there are a decent amount of grammar errors, most notably missing commas after introductory clauses. There are also spots where you put an extra space between words. I recommend proofreading at least twice, and you should be able to catch most of the stuff I mentioned.

                        Story

                        The story is really, really interesting. I found myself wondering just exactly what was going on with Silika, and the reveal was well-done. I quite liked how you showed Goldie's side of the story. On top of that, you did an amazing job of developing the world's religious system without using massive encyclopedia exposition dumbs. Props to you for making such an intriguing world!

                        Unfortunately, your story fits into a weird/niche genre that webnovel doesn't really have an option for. You labeled it as historical romance, but I haven't seen much history or romance unless you plan on adding that later. I feel that the story may fit into more of just a female-leading fantasy. You also take your time to develop the main characters and their problems, which is great, but a lot of people either don't have the attention span or wouldn't be interested in your genre (not to say that your novel is bad). I suffer from the same dilemma since I take six chapters in my book to develop my main character before getting into the VR gaming portion which I originally advertised. The genre stuff can't be helped, so just keep writing how you normally would do.

                        Miscellaneous

                        I put a paragraph comment about this, but I'm pretty sure "Darkie" is a derogatory term. Personally, I don't feel too much of a problem since it follows along the lines of Silika's nicknaming, and she doesn't know better as a five-year-old. I don't think you should have to change it unless other people point out the term, but be careful that you're not offending anyone.

                        Final Thoughts

                        You seemed a little bit timid when you requested a critique, but have more pride in your work. Once you fix the grammar mistakes, I think your story can really be a masterpiece, and I'm not exaggerating.

                        Whenever I feel discouraged with my own work, I tell myself, "It can't be as bad as The Rise of Skywalker." (or insert any trash story that you personally despise in place of The Rise of Skywalker)

                        Anyway, here's a quick Tl;DR:

                        • Improve the Title, Cover, and Synopsis for first impressions
                        • Fix grammar mistakes
                        • For the love of Meiriem, don't crash and burn such a good story

                        That's about it. Keep up the good work!

                          Epyonnn
                          Thank you very much for your review! A lot of what you mentionned is very insightful.
                          I've already gone ahead and modified my cover to be a bit more on point!

                          I'm actually really struggling with the synopsis, it's my third one already and I'm still working on it. I don't want to give too much away and yet I still have to entice readers... It's a real pickle.

                          Yeah, my grammar and review process needs some improvement. I'm admitedly a very slow reader so reviewing myself is always something I struggle with, but must improve!

                          My genre IS niche and that's a hill I will happily die on. It's a story I want to tell and it adresses a lot of topic that I think are important. Webnovel sure isn't helpful by making anything with a female protagonist automatically a romance, but that's another topic all-together... I mostly put it as historical because of her standings as a noble (which the story will not stray too far from without spoiling anything), but there is a lot of fantastical element, so I will consider changing it.

                          Yeah you got me good with the Darkie thing. Interstingly, the issue of colour (and their related dieties) in my story is meant to be a commentary on real world xenophobia/racism. I DID go through about 3 other names when developing the plush, but anything I came up with that would be realistic in character always felt more derogatory or out-of-character. I think I'll stick with it for now unless I start getting harrased over it. Admitedly I'm ESL so it didn't really occur to me that Darkie could be put in the same league as other terms that I would trully consider racist.

                              Yonko_master

                              Alright, first things first, I choose to ignore your request because you didn't use the method I described in the first post.
                              Second, it seems someone already picked your request. Did you accept it?

                                  waurpel I'll help you out with the synopsis. Here's an idea:

                                  In a world where rank, blood ties, and religion are intertwined, Silika Everest lived an idyllic life as the third child of the Marquess of Oblon, spending her carefree life playing with her siblings and friends to her hearts' content.

                                  Until one fateful day, when she fell off a tree and injured herself. When she woke up from the injury, everything seemed...wrong and confusing. She couldn't hear a thing. Now, her family despises her, and she doesn't know why. Silika's entire world had been flipped on its head.

                                  That day her quiet life began—an unforgiving life where all odds were stacked against her.

                                  Basically, I added the part "spending her carefree life playing with her siblings and friends to her hearts' content." to give more context about Silika's daily life. I also described the accident without going into too much detail (hopefully). Other than that, I also fixed some grammar. I hope my idea can help you formulate your synopsis.

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