Vam_V
Hmm… definitely an interesting synopsis with all of the fourth wall breaking. This is a bit jarring, but can be used to great affect if done well/intentionally. I’ll try my best to say something useful.
Let’s start with grammar/syntax.
The biggest issue is the speech. You are not punctuating it correctly. There are two ways I’ve seen on how to do this, and you don’t follow either.
Usually people use the story format where you separate the speech from the narration with quotation marks. This is done like this:
“I am talking,” character said.
Another character said, “So am I.”
“We all are,” third character said. “No need to brag about it.”
There are some more/different rules, but the basic problems with your speech is that there isn’t quotation marks around just what is being said. You also don’t have the speech tags (character said) attached to the speech by a comma. Rather, you seem to put speech quotes at the beginning or end, put a name, put a line break, then put a dash with the speech after. It’s confusing.
I did consider that you are using a play format. When you write something like a play or movie script the rules change, but it still doesn’t match your writing. A play or movie script would look like this:
Character: I am talking.
Another character: So am I.
Third character: We all are. No need to brag about it.
There are some rules that you must follow to avoid confusion no matter what set of rules you follow. These are “one speaker per paragraph” and “always tell us the name of the speaker in that paragraph unless it is obvious who is talking” (usually because two characters are talking with alternating paragraphs).
Your first sentence misuses quotation marks. No one is saying “angel” and it isn’t referencing another text, so it shouldn’t have quotes. I get that he isn’t really an angel or isn’t a typical angel, but I recommend using single quotes so no one thinks that a character started talking. This is also not technically correct, but I’m not sure that there is a way to do what you are trying to do correctly without just adding more words.
Single quotation marks are specifically for a quote within a quote. This happens later in your synopsis when Zarco talks. He needs quotation mark around his speech and the part you have in quotes should be in single quotes because he is talking and quoting the narrator.
Also, if the narrator is a character that the other people in the story talk to, technically anything he says should be in quotes. We can ignore that though because it will put your whole story in quotes, so it can be ‘implied’ by the reader.
Wow all that just about speech and quotation marks. Sorry. I’ll move away from grammar. Yikes.
As for the content being funny and good. I think it has potential. This format you choose now only works with a comical story. It’s hard to get serious when the characters are arguing with the narrator, you know? So only do this if the story is intended to be a big comedy.
Fourth wall breaks are used successfully in very few stories, but they are usually really fun. The Deadpool movies do this a lot if you need inspiration, and those do mix comedy with serious tones and dark themes well, but they always come back to and embrace comedy. The main character is hardly ever serious.
My biggest tip is that if Zarco is now telling the story, then you have to write everything like you are him. If he is sarcastic, then all the narration has to be sarcastic. It also can get annoying if he has too many quirks (like if he says “yo” at the start of every paragraph), so make sure you don’t over do anything. Whatever you had in mind for Zarco is about to take over your whole story and writing style—be prepared for that.
Also, be careful with tenses. If your main character is the narrator, and he knows enough about the story to foreshadow, then you have to write it in past tense. Right? Otherwise, Zarco wouldn’t know what the story is about. At least the beginning has to be past tense to account for this. Writing in this style means you have to be really really careful of these types of things or you create plot holes on accident. Another good example is when writers try to use this style, then kill off the narrator. I mean, who is telling the story since they died? Haha.
Them being aware that this is a story also makes me question things. Are they aware that they are not real? So, do they care if they die or are they like, “Naw man we will just change the story because we aren’t real.” This is part of the reason you are so hard forced down the comedy path… I’ll drop this for now, but I think you are putting yourself in an awkward position with this style.
All in all, it depends on execution. This could be a great idea that focuses on themes like, “We aren’t going to sugar coat this story like a fantasy writer would—this is the real deal. You will hear about how there are no bathrooms anywhere and we never have time to eat!” In all honesty though, I would cut out some of the stuff.
Having the characters say things like:
“If you got a chuckle out of this then you will like the story.”
“Yo, thanks for reading this!”
Etc…
Seems like it takes away from what you are going to do here. I would have them be more bold/confident in their story. Rather than thank the reader and telling them they will like it, I would go for more of a, “We are telling the story our way even if you don’t like it!” Even so, addressing the reader directly can be pretty bold this early on. Maybe they just heckle the narrator and say, “We will take over from here.”
Sorry if this wasn’t helpful. To be honest, you started this off with a very strange story format! It’s one that can be really fun though so go for it. Perhaps other people have better perspectives on this type of story and can help you more.