Newbelist For some reason I liked this one a lot, unique and has a flavor of gladiators, started off with a modern world where the male protagonist was just that depressed dude who didn't care for the world yet had filial pity to his mother. What makes confused is that the mother, I am a 100% sure she knew he was going to the future (People from his time were called ancients, from my guess we can conclude the world was either invaded by foreign monsters and that led to humanity survival which also returned the empire system within the world)
Summary (Spoiler)
- Modern-day > Future
- Normal life > Life With System
- Depressed protagonist
- Smart Protagonist
- System Novel
- 1.4-1.5k words
- Smooth entry to the novel
- Little mistakes found in chapter 1 and 2 but it is readable
Let us start with the mistakes on the first chapter, this will be something new that I will be doing in the future but it will be a more viable proof to the mistakes I have seen and how to fix it If i was in your place:-
Your writing:
"Alexander, are you awake? If you are, then prepare your things for the camp. And after that, come downstairs and eat breakfast," a shout from below broke through his headphones, despite the volume being max.
My Writing:
"Alexader, wake up!" A shout came from below, passing through his headphones "If you are awake then prepare yourself and your luggage for the upcoming camp !"
Simple, clean and much more readable than a clump of information all at once. Probably the most common mistake I have seen in this novel (the 2 chapters) is this. Do not edit it out but fix it on the third chapter, also no idioms, advanced English phrases which will express the emotions of the male protagonist for example:
Your writing:
With his vision blurry, he wasn't able to move around much. He blinked a few times and then his red eyes looked around, scanned the surroundings and let out a sigh of relief.
My Writing:
While his vision was blurry and he was grief-stricken, he was Ambivalent about everything around him. Blinking a few times while looking around the surrounding, after a brief moment he let out a sigh of relief.
This will need some work but the more you write, the more you learn which is a great thing. Good luck with the rest of the novel, it has been a great read so far :).