RealRomanLord

Why do we care that he's getting a system at the beginning? Notice how we do not care, whereas in Solo leveling, the MC actually has a reason: he gets backstabbed, some ancient dungeon magic, and boom, aka a prologue or at least a truck kun, y'know.

In this case tho, the mc is kinda perv, which is ok, but it reads like "I don't talk to girls or see them as people," and it just so happens the system is a subservient girl who calls him lord and master, what's next, is he gonna #### her?

Now, it's ok to have a perv mc, as long as it's done well. It's ok to have harem if it's done well. For ex, tales of demon of gods, because the mc can be perverted at times sure, but you can tell he genuinely loves 2/3 of those girls, we do not talk about the last one, because she's ew, cough anyway.

Also, it was a bit difficult to read the first chapter, a tad bit confusing. There's some typos/grammar stuff that makes it a bit hard to read ig.

Also, it's not my vibe, because the thing about villains in novels, is that they read like people that would piss me off so I don't really like reading novels with evil characters, mostly because unless your evil is "killing is fun, being shameless" I think I'll mostly just get annoyed because those people in real life would be annoying to be around.

In a sense, the type of evil your character is rn, is "mentally weak", "easy to anger" type, y'know the type of people who get angry and want to display their power to others. No matter how strong they are, the second a person questions their authority, they have to TRAMPLE It, even though "mentally strong" people would just smirk and prove them wrong with their actions, if u catch my drift. I get its because of the system, but yeah.

      AuHNG

      I finished with yours. I thought it was entertaining. I especially enjoyed the little puns/play on words. There were a few sections that might have had typos or were just unclear to me, like the 66'666 number in the prologue or other instances that I can pick out if you'd prefer.

      Overall, it's an enjoyable concept with interesting enough characters. If I were to give you something to improve upon, it would just be overall clarity. Whether it be typos or just sections that seem almost interrupted from the general flow of the story, I think there's room for improvement there (though now that I look at it again, it seems to get better in the later chapters as well). I can leave a positive review as well if you'd like

          AuHNG

          Oh lol I just commented on that, didn't see this before my bad

              TallyArtist oh, pick those out. I would love to see some of those unclear parts.

              The 66'666$ is just a joke. No price tag works like that. Flip the number upside down and you get $999.99

                  ex_perimental

                  lots of potential, problem is that ur genre is really unpopular. GL is like not read by a lot of people, because while bl has crossover from girl's demographic, not many guys read GL, so it just has less audience. That being said, the title also doesn't catch my eyes. My title kinda sucks too, but I'm too lazy to redraw my cover or rebrand lol, maybe you could name it, "Love burns like Tinder". Also not a fan of pov switches in the first chapter, which is ironic, since I do it too, but anyway cough.

                      AuHNG
                      I see, I wondered about that, since I thought it would make more sense upside down, but it wasn't clear.

                      As for non-clear moments, in chapter 1 where you go from a confused state of where he is to the acts of a play that seems unrelated, and then in a classroom? Looking closer now, I think you made that part a dream, but the swap to the dream seems unnatural. Another way you could do this to have the same effect of "not knowing if its a dream" but wanting to be more clear would be to take out the beginning part about the ai, and just start the story there

                      That way it would go from dream-reality and the reader's expectations would change, especially with the prologue. Now, it goes from real-dream-real, and I think the swapping of dream to real only really has an impact once.

                      Also, reading closely I get the part about semicolonc now, but at first glance, the :-l just looked like the number -1, with the colon before it just introducing the name.

                          TallyArtist k after reading ur novel, I can say it has potential, but your writing ain't all the way there, yet. WIll be giving it 5 stars, and I'll recommend reading duolu dalu for a pop novel in the same genre

                              AuHNG

                              Thank you, any major ideas of where I can improve? Like is it unclear, paced too fast, or something else?

                                  AuHNG Yeah, I definitely get that. Thanks for the honest thoughts btw! My story probably reads like a typical anime plot right now, but it's basically just the prologue; just a bit of incentive to care about the MC and his family before I yeet him off into the actual " more fantasy" setting lol. And actually, making engaging things happen in the story is something I kind of struggle with, but I'll work on that for sure! It's hard getting my imagination into writing lol

                                      AuHNG Ayyy you too? (σ´∀`)σ✨✨The whole rewriting the story multiple times thing is definitely super relatable lol. I started this story last year, but I've been editing and rewriting it ever since. Tho I don't regret doing that at all, cause my first draft suckkked

                                          AuHNG This novel is published on another platform and an editor here contacted me and told me to upload it to webnovel because there are very few works of this genre. I've also noticed, from what I've read these days, that it's not too popular here. About the title, I prefer simple titles and it was the one I had originally, but to publish it here I had to make a few changes. I'm not very good at thinking up titles and it was a bit of a first thought.

                                              ex_perimental

                                              It’s unfortunate, but this site is like one of the iffy ones, ever since they changed everything to be unnecessarily gendered, instead of letting people just read books in genres they enjoy. Also it’s been overtaken by harem and ceo stuff, and the site has a shady past too, which u can read about if u go to the reviews for coiling dragon (on the site). It used to be great for novels, but now it’s kinda meh.

                                                Missy_Ti

                                                The first thing I notice is u need an editor, punctuation

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