Misguided_Rooster I'll be posting an overall on your actual book page. If there is anything that could cause readers to stop reading I will post it here. :) Give me halfa!
Newbie Authors, Lets make a deal!
- Edited
Chapter 1 - A myriad of voices entered the sleeping Zhang Weis ears, being either English or different languages, startling him awake. I don't think you have to mention that it's in English if he can understand it. Something like " in a recognisable language works"
Instead of "Young Man" words like "Youthful, junior, adolescent, teenage, teenaged; immature, childlike, babyish, boyish" can work to break up the story.
"Looking to his left, Zhang Wei saw two Asians." Could be changed to "persons of seemly Asian descent." Are they asian?
" endless grass." was added twice try "grass spanning over the endless horizon" or something similar
"Turning around, Zhang Wei saw a young man with light dark skin. " Light brown skin would work here. Light dark is slightly confusing.
Chapter 2
How does that MC know how to start a fire? Could be a good way to teach your reader about them.
"Instead of seeing people standing idly about he saw some were actually breaking down branches, just like he and Tyrone had just doe." Doe should be "done"
Although not everyone was participating, the majority were. Even some of those that were kneeling and crying started to << needs a full stop maybe add in " Even some of those that were kneeling and crying started to aid in the collection of firewood"
Good so far!
@Transparency
*Be warned I might not give the best feedback(Explanation wise)
- I'm noticing a lack of commas and periods
- There are some grammatical errors here and there
- "$#%#" - "#@#$" - You should remove these from the story. Use replacements instead or something else.
4.[ You seem to be switching from this ] - [ " To this" ] -- You should use This(shift 8) or 'this'. If not you should pick between [] or [ " " ].
Thanks for feedback :p
Misguided_Rooster Thank you I am going back through the book now. I have chosen [ ] instead of [""] Good catch! I will try and figure out something for the vulgar words. He is imagining a porn book so I don't want to be detailed about it! Great feedback thank you!
https://www.webnovel.com/book/11180277206281105
Please take a look and give me some feedback too. FYI your story is a lot like mine; written from first-person perspective and the characters are Japanese. Though I am trying for absurdity and outrageous humor.
Please tell me I do it correctly because there is this one reader who thought I missed the mark. But then there is no 'comedy' genre so I opted for 'realistic fiction', so maybe he is expecting something realistic.
LetThereBeMagic On it! I'll add a rating to hopefully it gets you more readers!
Transparency Is someone with above 10 chapters allowed to get a review based solely off the first 5? if so than I would like to join in, tho I prefer to wait until a book has 5+ chapters and then review it based on the first 5 chapters.;,;.
Ch 1.
Great opening!
They were such an obviously acceptable member of society unlike me that I was reminded of my shortcomings as I stood next to them. Needs to be pluralised like " They were such obviously acceptable members of society. I was reminded of my shortcomings as I stood next to them." I think it flows better?
"This was one of the reasons why I preferred to hole up in my apartment and become a shut-in. I didn't need the reminder." might be changed to " This instance of familial love...."
"The boy, being a nice proper person like his parents, would listen to the chiding and obediently stopped. For less than 5 seconds. " maybe the punch line here " For less the 5 seconds" should be moved on its own line to strengthen it.
he started again, flitting away in circles around his parents. He could really be too high on sugar to keep still. Or it could be that he was too excited. Could be changed to " Unable to sit still he flitted in circles around his parents. I am sticking to my sugar story, a kid cant be this excitable right?!" I think something like this would read better my eyes paused as I read.
Swap an Ahem! to a cough or something!
Everyone who saw him fall off cried in horror as they jumped forward. Me, I just have to be the hero today for my waifu, that was my first thought. Could be " I just have to be the hero today, maybe I could get a girl like this beauty" I stupidly thought. Saying waifu too much may break the punchline!
I was not that fat! Really! I weighed only around 70 kilos. <, great paragraph!
"I'm about to follow them out too before I remember that I'm now a ghost. I'm dead." I'm a ghost, I am dead" both kinda have the same conclusion. Use one or the other here.
"I did that to get waifu's attention, but contrary to my expectation, I didn't get a thank you from her at all. She didn't even glance at me. Not once. Sigh..." maybe mention here about trying to get some married women's attention and dying from it was dumb like how he lived or something.
Ch 2
"Oh, my Kami-Sama. I am in a starved girl's body." fantastic line. I laughed.
"Well, that's because I am wearing a high school girl's uniform. It's a summer uniform at that. it's a short-sleeved shirt made of thin cotton and the skirt is in vibrant blue" reads a little better.
"I bend forward to spy at the panty" Could be on its own line
This story is great. I like the penis jokes so far. Would be great if there is a chapter somewhere about trying to act normal when you are on your period. I couldn't imagine a guy trying to figure out how pads work.
Ch 3
"Don't she feel any shame?" should be " Does she not feel any shame?" it could also have its own line as to break up the paragraph a little.
You mention Nagashima-Sensei twice in the last chapter try to change it up a little.
DeJeL Sure send it over! :)
LetThereBeMagic Also your comedy is hitting the mark! try using second lines as to add ooph to your punchlines
Transparency Thank you! Your review is quite detailed so I saved it in a doc XD. Makes it easy to edit as I refer to them later. I always knew my first chapter is not quite right but I don't know how to fix it. Your detailed pointers are greatly needed.
Also I think I should reciprocate. Please bear with my slowness though.
With a feeling like I was exploding, my 25 years of existence wasted by the screeching of brakes and a drunk driver.
-> Feeling like I was exploding into a million pieces, my 25 years of existence was laid to waste in mere seconds by the screeching of brakes originating from a drunk driver's car.
I just feel like the description of the accident could be more detailed. Although I think you kept it vague to make it lighthearted, maybe you could go more in-depth. Because his pitifulness is the hook (I think) so it needs to be a little more heart-wrenching
A lot more editing is needed too.
I don't know what else to say. I'm not really good at reviewing, but I think the story is a bit bland for the first 3 chapters. It's lacking something. I don't play games so I maybe its just me though.
I love mc's inner monologues, he's quite sassy.
I'm sorry, my mind is quite in disarray right now. I'll do a better review later?
Transparency "What in this world! Oh... Wait a minute. It's another world. is my novel, I will add your novel to my library and review it once I see 5 chapters.;,;.
LetThereBeMagic Thank you, I have added my feedback to my G drive where I am keeping my book. I just finished writing a chapter. So my head is buzzing anyway! Thank you for your feedback so far super appreciated!
DeJeL I've added yours to my library too when I hit 5 chapters I will review yours! I can't wait!
Transparency Jokingly said, "If you can't wait, then don't.".;,;.
LetThereBeMagic I added your change.
DeJeL 5th chapter should be out in a few hours :)
Transparency I'm honored. But I hope you know they're just suggestions. This is your story so you should be free to do as you please.
I have just figured out what's missing in your story. It's the game itself. I don't play games so I know next to nothing about harem games. In the novel, there is not much info as you just skimmed over everything and keep the focus on the MC and his little group. Maybe you could give more explanation of the game and what MC feels about it? You mention he hates it because he is gay, but that was too general. The more specific you go, the more the MC's personality is developed.
Also, if you are keeping the focus on MC and not the game, the MC's personality needs to be more outstanding. For now, he's just a generic character. Give him a quirk that could intrigue readers quickly. For example, when people mention Naruto, everyone knows he is a hated Kyuubi monster and has Sasuke-complex. Meanwhile Sasuke is an emo guy with a brother complex. My MC Kazuki is a stupid old fart who knows nothing about being a girl. Or a decent human being.
If you are focusing on the game world, then you need to develop the game more. Like how it is played, what to do to score, and what not to do avoid problems... since MC is gay you want to go the BL harem route? that would be something rarely seen. No matter what, I am always in for a good BL story XD.
Um hello. I want to take this deal with you. Lol. Actually Its my first time writing so I really don't know if I have a talent or not. Haha. So I need a good opinion about my novel. I'm quite anxious about how you'd react but I'll toughen up and listen to everything you say. 
https://m.webnovel.com/book/11490261006393305
Here's my novel. I'll take a look at yours too. I'm not good at giving opinions but I'll try my best :)
- Edited
LetThereBeMagic Hehe I took what you said to heart and have made a literal game system in chapters 4-5. Hopefully, that perks up the readers! As for talking about the game... I should add a bit about why he was playing it extra maybe make half a chapter addressing it. :) Great ideas thank you! I am trying to avoid yaoi scenes but yes I try my best to find him some hot boys to oogle! :D All these damn women hahah