LetThereBeMagic

Ch 1.

Great opening!

They were such an obviously acceptable member of society unlike me that I was reminded of my shortcomings as I stood next to them. Needs to be pluralised like " They were such obviously acceptable members of society. I was reminded of my shortcomings as I stood next to them." I think it flows better?

"This was one of the reasons why I preferred to hole up in my apartment and become a shut-in. I didn't need the reminder." might be changed to " This instance of familial love...."

"The boy, being a nice proper person like his parents, would listen to the chiding and obediently stopped. For less than 5 seconds. " maybe the punch line here " For less the 5 seconds" should be moved on its own line to strengthen it.

he started again, flitting away in circles around his parents. He could really be too high on sugar to keep still. Or it could be that he was too excited. Could be changed to " Unable to sit still he flitted in circles around his parents. I am sticking to my sugar story, a kid cant be this excitable right?!" I think something like this would read better my eyes paused as I read.

Swap an Ahem! to a cough or something!

Everyone who saw him fall off cried in horror as they jumped forward. Me, I just have to be the hero today for my waifu, that was my first thought. Could be " I just have to be the hero today, maybe I could get a girl like this beauty" I stupidly thought. Saying waifu too much may break the punchline!

I was not that fat! Really! I weighed only around 70 kilos. <, great paragraph!

"I'm about to follow them out too before I remember that I'm now a ghost. I'm dead." I'm a ghost, I am dead" both kinda have the same conclusion. Use one or the other here.

"I did that to get waifu's attention, but contrary to my expectation, I didn't get a thank you from her at all. She didn't even glance at me. Not once. Sigh..." maybe mention here about trying to get some married women's attention and dying from it was dumb like how he lived or something.

Ch 2

"Oh, my Kami-Sama. I am in a starved girl's body." fantastic line. I laughed.

"Well, that's because I am wearing a high school girl's uniform. It's a summer uniform at that. it's a short-sleeved shirt made of thin cotton and the skirt is in vibrant blue" reads a little better.

"I bend forward to spy at the panty" Could be on its own line

This story is great. I like the penis jokes so far. Would be great if there is a chapter somewhere about trying to act normal when you are on your period. I couldn't imagine a guy trying to figure out how pads work.

Ch 3

"Don't she feel any shame?" should be " Does she not feel any shame?" it could also have its own line as to break up the paragraph a little.

You mention Nagashima-Sensei twice in the last chapter try to change it up a little.

      Transparency Thank you! Your review is quite detailed so I saved it in a doc XD. Makes it easy to edit as I refer to them later. I always knew my first chapter is not quite right but I don't know how to fix it. Your detailed pointers are greatly needed.
      Also I think I should reciprocate. Please bear with my slowness though.

      With a feeling like I was exploding, my 25 years of existence wasted by the screeching of brakes and a drunk driver.
      -> Feeling like I was exploding into a million pieces, my 25 years of existence was laid to waste in mere seconds by the screeching of brakes originating from a drunk driver's car.

      I just feel like the description of the accident could be more detailed. Although I think you kept it vague to make it lighthearted, maybe you could go more in-depth. Because his pitifulness is the hook (I think) so it needs to be a little more heart-wrenching
      A lot more editing is needed too.
      I don't know what else to say. I'm not really good at reviewing, but I think the story is a bit bland for the first 3 chapters. It's lacking something. I don't play games so I maybe its just me though.
      I love mc's inner monologues, he's quite sassy.

      I'm sorry, my mind is quite in disarray right now. I'll do a better review later?

          LetThereBeMagic Thank you, I have added my feedback to my G drive where I am keeping my book. I just finished writing a chapter. So my head is buzzing anyway! Thank you for your feedback so far super appreciated!

              DeJeL I've added yours to my library too when I hit 5 chapters I will review yours! I can't wait!

                  Transparency I'm honored. But I hope you know they're just suggestions. This is your story so you should be free to do as you please.

                  I have just figured out what's missing in your story. It's the game itself. I don't play games so I know next to nothing about harem games. In the novel, there is not much info as you just skimmed over everything and keep the focus on the MC and his little group. Maybe you could give more explanation of the game and what MC feels about it? You mention he hates it because he is gay, but that was too general. The more specific you go, the more the MC's personality is developed.

                  Also, if you are keeping the focus on MC and not the game, the MC's personality needs to be more outstanding. For now, he's just a generic character. Give him a quirk that could intrigue readers quickly. For example, when people mention Naruto, everyone knows he is a hated Kyuubi monster and has Sasuke-complex. Meanwhile Sasuke is an emo guy with a brother complex. My MC Kazuki is a stupid old fart who knows nothing about being a girl. Or a decent human being.

                  If you are focusing on the game world, then you need to develop the game more. Like how it is played, what to do to score, and what not to do avoid problems... since MC is gay you want to go the BL harem route? that would be something rarely seen. No matter what, I am always in for a good BL story XD.

                      Um hello. I want to take this deal with you. Lol. Actually Its my first time writing so I really don't know if I have a talent or not. Haha. So I need a good opinion about my novel. I'm quite anxious about how you'd react but I'll toughen up and listen to everything you say. 😂https://m.webnovel.com/book/11490261006393305
                      Here's my novel. I'll take a look at yours too. I'm not good at giving opinions but I'll try my best :)

                        LetThereBeMagic Hehe I took what you said to heart and have made a literal game system in chapters 4-5. Hopefully, that perks up the readers! As for talking about the game... I should add a bit about why he was playing it extra maybe make half a chapter addressing it. :) Great ideas thank you! I am trying to avoid yaoi scenes but yes I try my best to find him some hot boys to oogle! :D All these damn women hahah

                            existing I'm on it, I will check out Dejel's story and then look at yours! :D ( I added your book to my library too. Looks like I have places to put my power stones now! The big books don't need them!

                                Transparency i finished reading till the latest chapter and I'm honestly impressed by the concept. I noticed that you made a system for the MC and it was a good idea! I've put my comments on your chapters but it's mostly spelling and grammar suggestions! Hope I helped! ♥️ I added your story to my library as well! It's a good one! 👍👍👍👍

                                    DeJeL

                                    Ch 1

                                    "My mom, Sandy (age 36), and dad, Darron (age 45), are in the master bedroom" Maybe put their occupations instead? Just feels a bit more naturally then talking about one's parents ages. I don't think that normally comes up in conversation.

                                    "skipping on cleaning my room (even though my mom would usually say that it's not 'that' messy)" If it is not messy according to your mum why do you have to clean it?

                                    Daw-son Punny XD

                                    "I walk towards the kitchen and hear sizzling sounds. "Good Morning mom," I say. My mom replies "Morning Dawson, can you please get Sue outta' my hair, I'm trying to cook here." Ect ect" I suggest breaking this paragraph into one line per person speaking. I will be less confusing for the reader.

                                    "Sally almost always listens to me, even if it is something she knows she shouldn't do. " Like what throw dirt on the neighbour's lawn? What is the MC making sally do? And if your MC is making her do bad things why would they change the status quo?

                                    "When I arrive in the dining room I say" Ect ect Paragraph is very long, try breaking it up a little. Eyes need a break! actually, a lot of the paragraphs are long, try to cut them down a little!

                                    hmm I am surprised the father and son pair believe such a story. I would at least be a tad sceptical.

                                    He introduces his name twice. One at the start and once when he rides his bicycle I recommend removing one or the other.

                                    "I just saved you from dying by bus" try rephrasing it sounds a little strange. maybe " By a bus?" or " vehicular manslaughter?"

                                    Hmm all over I am not convinced that the cousin and the MC would just choose to swap worlds there is no reason to. Nice family nice life ect plus the family dynamic seems great. So I find it strange that the MC didn't even think twice. Not to mention the tragic backstory for the mother. How would she feel about losing her lover then her child?

                                    Ch 2

                                    I am not sure a teenager would call their gf their beloved. Especially in a modern sounding book to a stranger. Maybe Girlfriend or Cousin?

                                    "What did he say his name was, " Needs a ?

                                    How can a guard question Shitsuren or the king for that matter? Back in the old days that was a punishable offence.

                                    There is a lot of information which would bewilder most people in this chapter. The response of the MC is pretty calm. New world, a new father, new life, Cousin saying yes to going. I would like more info on what the MC is feeling. It's sorta all being explained like someone reading a take-out menu. What does the new world smell like, what does it look like, what are the expressions on the characters faces? Use the 5 senses to explain more of what the MC sees.

                                    Kings can't really go out much, is there someone handling his paperwork? Or is he a lazy king?

                                    Do the shopkeepers know the king, why are the subjects not frightened or in awe? I am also sure they would be surprised the king has a random heir.

                                    hmm I am not sure why there is the cousin's 1st point of view. Is she just saying this stuff to make the MC look better? I am not sure if that section is needed.

                                    There is a lot of information in this chapter, soo much is happening at once. maybe try breaking this chapter into two chapters. One for getting new clothes and sightseeing the next for learning magic.

                                    Chapter 3

                                    How did an outsider become a king of a nation? This is sorta skimped over.

                                    There is once again a lot in this chapter your pacing is super fast!

                                    He is naturally calling the king father. How does he know this all isnt made up as a trap, why doesn't he even question it. It seems like all these meat pies ( good things) are falling out of the sky for no reason. Its a hard pill to swallow.

                                    common bad roomers should be rumours. Although I am not sure you have to go so in-depth as to what Stereotypical is and means. Freedom the character might not know but the readers do.

                                    I feel like when I read Carmen's parts the only thing that exists about her character is that she is in love with the MC. Does she have hobbies or something? Especially since she seems like a Female Lead she needs her own identity and not just living through the MC.

                                    Ch 4

                                    What Era or year is this based in? A man and women unwed in the old days holding hands would be considered scandalous. Are there new rules they have to follow?

                                    Woah a woman gets raped just to make the MC look better.. uhh I would prob rewrite this part.

                                    Another meat pie ( guard) The MC is getting too many treats he needs to go on a diet.

                                    I'm going to try something new here, I'm going to simply write what is said along with who said it in this format: "HI" (Father), and so on, it is too time-consuming and annoying to keep saying over and over again 'he said she responded with' and the like. << this needs to be removed or added in a way where it doesnt look like a part of the story. It is confusing.

                                    Ch 5

                                    Didn't it already get leaked about a new son cause the king mentioned it to the shop keeper?

                                    This chapters paragraphs seem much better Looks like you are breaking them up better! GG

                                    [Author Note: Sorry, this hurt me to write, too much emphasis on the dress Carmen, please stop this. I write how the character thinks, even when it annoys me, so please don't fault me.] If she thinks that way why apologies?

                                    Quite a few point of views here I am having trouble keeping up.

                                    The spelleth wast aim'd at me. T hath passed right through the barri'r liketh yond barri'r didn't existeth. << maybe swap back to regular English. this way of talking sort of comes out of nowhere.

                                    Why are all the women in your story getting hurt for plot? grumbles Abandoned ( mum) Raped ( random women) Spell hit ( new random women)

                                    I think I have given you a tonne of feedback. The idea is great I think you need to practice getting the words out a little more however. I can see great things in the future keep writing. Also I highly recommend watching some dramas to do with the time period you are going for. Subtle moves and gestures with how people interact with each other can really add depth to a story.

                                        existing Yay perfect thank you! bows as you know reading the same thing over and over again you tend to miss things. I hope the 5th chapter wasn't too confusing. I tried to break up the information as much as I could but it may have been too much. Anyway cracks knuckles

                                        Ch 1

                                        "Those big people from before" From before when?

                                        "The man and woman are called" maybe use " My parents" or "my new mother and father" Seems a bit more familiar.

                                        " Anthony is in his late forties. " how does the MC know this? Maybe try " Anthony appears to be in his late 40's" Try not to assume your MC knows what you know. Same with their occupations. Maybe the MC can understand them speaking?

                                        Zamir, was that a best friend? Why remember them specifically?

                                        Ooh nice. I like stories with handsome knights. Like I said to Dejel, use your senses when you write, what can the MC taste, touch, smell and see?

                                        Ch 2

                                        corservative should be conservative. Nice comparing the two worlds is a good idea!

                                        Is this set in modern times now? Might want to explain that. If the MC is old fashioned getting married at 14 is rather normal. Might wanna figure out the era.

                                        The mums cute.

                                        Chapter 3

                                        Nice neat chapter. My only comment as to why the kid is leaving so quickly. Did they finish enrolling? Is it after hours?

                                        Ch 4

                                        "I stared at my reflection on the mirror. I tied my long hair on a ponytail, exposing my face better. " Better then what is she normally unkempt?

                                        Neat descriptions for characters. Maybe add in what they are wearing or what they smell like?

                                        Hmm maybe to add a second layer to your story maybe avoid saying that the kid is handsome. I am not sure an adult would say it in such a straightforward way to a little kid, unless they were into kids? Maybe the MC should baby luke a little and treat him like a a younger brother or look down on him. In her eyes he is a kid or at least should be unless otherwise explained. She was also a knight so I am sure she would look up to people who are disciplined.

                                        All over Its looking pretty good. Make sure you pick your era you are in and maybe explain the country the MC is in a little. I cant quite place it tbh. It help add rules and restrictions to your writing too and make it a little more creative!

                                            I feel like I have written an entire chapter in responses and feedback. I hope you all take what I say with a grain of salt if you don't agree with me! Thank you for sharing your stories so far.

                                              Transparency oops I think you skipped the prologue haha ✌️ I noticed the problem. It was an auxiliary chapter and I didn't know that you wouldn't see it when you just clicked read now. Ugh I'll go back to reading your comment lol kinda excited

                                                  Transparency omg I finished reading now lmao. And you did a great job pointing out the things I need to fix! Thanks a lot!! The only thing is... I don't know how to make that auxiliary chapter to a normal one! Gosh. Do I have to repost again 😭😭

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