AndrewReise yeah my writing is a little shocking, instead of another chapter today I will go back through and fix some errors. . Putting out approx 5000 words a day as lend to many mistakes!

shounen ai tag will be added thank you. ( no yaoi in the book)

mm I agree with your overall sentiments. ( Although I am guessing my demographic is actually 14-16 year old girls for reasons )

Give me a second to get a coffee I super appreciate the feedback. I will have a look through yours now! ( Just commenting so you know I have seen and I am on it.)

      AndrewReise

      Ch 1

      "Hahhh," Alan sighed, as he made his way down the street. "Why is it so hard to find a job. I'm a university graduate after all! Doesn't that count for anything?" << just Alan sighed here would work

      Maybe think of ways in future for the system to confirm things "Confirmed, Host" may get super repetitive

      black card hmm this may not translate well to some people from non american countries. I for instance only know what a black card is from books a younger reader many not get it.

      Over all I really like this style of story so I may be a little bias just be careful of too many coincidences it kinda falls under the category " Cause a wizard did it or solved cause magic." I can tell you have written before. I think you should get a few followers for this. I also would recommend you reading gourmet from another world. They have made quite of what I feel are mistakes which you may able to fix with this book. Like repetition of missions ect.

          AndrewReise your spelling and grammar are pretty on point so not comments there good first two chapters! Ps I have added it to my library!

            ishty

            First thing I noticed was paragraph size. For each new thought a paragraph is needed, for instance:

            Gerald Scint was born into the R'heal family on the 48th Ragep, 606 in the town Quinbea which is in the Kingdom of Worgorv.

            He was immediately sent to the slave's colony.

            He was sent there as he was an "impure" human and as well an unacknowledged bastard of an elder of the family. His status of being impure is related to his skin color. He was born brown.

            The country where he was born did not have any laws or rules stating which skin color is superior but the R'heal family did, they are famous for their beliefs that say that the fairer the skin is the purer a human is.

            They see other skin colors as inhuman, as such they enslave any "impure" humans in their territory. His mother was one of the many concubines of the elder. Regardless of being the son of an elder, he was still treated like any other "impure" human inside the R'heal family territory.

            ----------All text above was in one paragraph see how much writing there is? It would be bad for mobile readers -----

            "He was sent to the slave colony very soon after he was born." Sentence not needed it is mentioned already

            "the child" has been used several times consider using his name again or another synonym. " the boy, the lad ect"

            He grew up in the harsh slave colony, Where he was mistreated as some knew he was an elders son. << try mixing this sentence up a bit. "Some of the other slaves had found out he was an elders son, so bulling and beatings were a common occurrence in his life" Since you have mentioned the slave colony a few times now.

            How did he know the world was fantasy? What makes it fantasy compared to our world? Draw some comparisons.

            "that it will not succeed most likely" could be " that it would most likely not succeed" I think it sounds better.

            "Until one day when he was 17 " Quite a time skip talk more about what he did each day at the colony first. Eg " He did x, y and z each day all while trying his best to train. The days, months and years flew by till suddenly he found himself to be 17" Seems a little abrupt.

            Texts started appearing on the box. << Where did it appear on the box? Explain the box a little more since it its important.

            Be careful of falling into the " meat pies falling out of the sky trope" I hope that the system doesn't become a crutch that he falls back on when trouble appears. Over all a great start!

                I think the first chapter was great and I would say I'm an average generic reader. Even if it's about a gay MC its still much better than a few famous novels. I agree with Andrew Rise with substituting the MC with yourself part. I sort of do that subconsciously. I'm not sure if 14-16 year old girls are the target audience but there are people who will like it. I remember a manga with a similar concept and it had a quite a bit of fans. But I'll praise the first chapter, it has a lot of words. Personally, I felt that there were too many words but since it was the introductory chapter I think that's a given. But if it's like that in the other chapters I'd probably skip a few paragraphs after getting the gist of it. I'll add it to my library and check out the other chapters when I have time.

                  ishty Oh legit thank you. Nah the rest are not as long. Hmm I may split it into two later if people keep telling me its an issue! Thank you!

                      ishty Also yeah hmm I think I am aiming it for around there. Although I have added some "plot" for straight male readers too so I am hoping it wont be too scary for the average joe. Most of the BL novels I see now days even make me blush due to the lewdness. I am hoping to write a more normal character that just happens to be gay rather then just a gay character. ( if that makes sense)

                          Transparency what can I say? I wanted to write a generic novel. So I did do a little bit of "meat pies falling out of the sky" trope. Time skips i didn't really think about it. Also, I thought about the about how the main character knew it was a fantasy world. I thought the reader would know since he was sent slave camp. Anyway, thank you for taking your time to read the novel and loved the feedback. Also sorry for not being able to give a more helpful feedback, I'm not much of a critical thinker. And I usually don't pick a novel apart unless it's really bad like The Hack System.

                              Transparency I think I get what you mean its like you're going to focus more on the story and less on the MC's Being gay part. I think that's a great story for slapstick comedy novel.

                                ishty Nah I think you are doing really well as a writer, just gotta keep writing. I'm dyslexic and I have managed to slap together 22k words so you can definitely do it! nah your feedback was great thank you! Oh I am glad you get where I am coming from with my MC at least that much is coming across! :D I will keep an eye on your book! ( when you sort it out) its a good idea!

                                    Transparency

                                    As the life was draining from my wilting body I prayed to the heavens. <Maybe it would be better if you wrote it like this> = As my life was being drained away from my wilting body, I desperately prayed to the heavens.

                                    Images of my pathetic life flicked behind my eyelids <It would be better if you replaced flicked with flickered>

                                    Also what's the ++ for does that mean it was sequel or a dlc?

                                    It seems like your showing this every chapter- Romance Fantasy ++ loading screen. Is this like those tidbits when waiting for the loading screen of a game to finish. If so I think it would be better if you just put that in the author's note. Seeing it every chapter is kind of distracting me from experiencing your book fully.

                                    Well overall your work is nice and I can easily dive into it, even though this kind of novel isn't my kind of thing. The story is also moving in a nice pace. Hope you keep up the good work.

                                    I'm not exactly a new author but I do have a new work that I signed up for the current writing prompt. Hope you can read it.

                                    https://www.webnovel.com/book/11529754806409805/Adopted-Soldier

                                    P.S Please forgive me for most of the grammatical errors since English is not my native tongue and is actually my third language.

                                    Hope to here from you. Keep up the good fight! :)

                                        bcrow I got your message sorry I was asleep. ( Damn different time zones!)

                                            lynerparel Thank you for reading my book as well as giving feed back I will have a look now! ooh 3 languages? You're amazing! Sorry I was asleep! Will have a look now!

                                                bcrow

                                                "Puncak, Indonesia, a range of mountains which stretches several miles" Could be "Puncak is a mountain range in Indonesia which stretches several miles" I think it reads better.

                                                "air-cons" should be air conditioning units. Try not to use slang. It may be hard for readers who do not have English as a first language.

                                                " It didn't always need this. Its owners, with the increase in age could no longer enjoy the regular bumpy off-road trips up the hill" consider rephrasing for it to make more sense.

                                                I give you the advice I was given before. Read your book out loud!

                                                "Additionally, with an elevation of 1,000 meters" this sentence onward needs its own paragraph.

                                                Wang Zhao Hui/ Xi You Ya, What do they look like?

                                                Life tends to tear apart and bring together the strings of fate of humans. For some lucky few, their strings are intertwined all through the rest of their lives until death inevitably pulls it apart in the end. For the unlucky ones, the string breaks apart before it's time. << this sounds like foreshadowing for their break up. If it's not maybe remove or change it.

                                                "husband beating the wife, this is the wife beating the husband!" Careful of comments like this. People in the west would frown at these sorts of comments. I am not sure who your target audience is however.

                                                " I know that when you hit me it's a sign that you love me and you love talking to me," eep. Sounds like a horrible relationship. See above note.

                                                Hmm pacing seems a little slow.

                                                Hmm ch 3 kinda reminds me of that trope " when I get home I will marry my loved one" before something tragic happens.

                                                Ch 4 is interesting from what I gather the earth got bigger and stretched. Where did all the extra mass come from? You may need to explain it more so people can suspend their disbelief. ( eg particles from a different dimension)

                                                I like how he was not given a whole bunch of perks! Nice work!

                                                "For at least half an hour Zhao Wei could only look and consider the world he had been thrown into. " Was he thrown into a new world, or was earth changed? How did he know the world had changed he had been knocked out the entire time. Try not to assume the MC knows what you know.

                                                "unknown organisms" once again how did he know? If the earth expanded rapidly would the water still be drinkable? What about the air? I am sure there would be god knows what making it smoggy now.

                                                Break up your paragraphs a bit more here. Each new thought needs its own paragraph.

                                                Over all cool story so far. Very interesting plot twist on the new world genre. Remember to think about the changes that happen and don't just rely on magic or " because a wizard did it" it helps the reader find the improbable believable.

                                                    lynerparel

                                                    Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. Could be

                                                    Tick tock,

                                                    tick tock,

                                                    tick tock.

                                                    To make a better visual impact.

                                                    "killer" needs synonyms as its been used to much. ( Eg murderer, slaughterer, destroyer, liquidator, exterminator, terminator, executioner)

                                                    "The man aimed at the boy and shot his gun" Could be "The man aimed at the boy and shot his gun, intentionally missing" or it sounds like he just went and killed the kid.

                                                    Hmm here is a new rule for you. If you have to use the same word in a paragraph use a synonym for it instead. Try and avoid sameness.

                                                    "adopted he's son Alexander" should be " adopted his son Alexander" he's = he is

                                                    "Though they couldn't do anything aside from their specialty, but they were the best in their own specialty." could be "Carlo's team were the best in the world for what they did, if they had claimed to be second, no one would dare claim first!" Same sentence but the second one has more impact.

                                                    hmm I am thinking you could talk about how the incident twisted the MC inside. No average 10 year old kid would be so blood thirsty.

                                                    " right leg cut off " It is very hard to cut someones leg off! maybe it should be shot crippling him instead?

                                                    "In his home country, in normal society no one knows his true self as the former leader of the Unique Squad. " doesn't make sense because you mention earlier his group is globally famous.

                                                    For a kid so smart wouldn't he know he was being duped? ( In relation to the "mission" to protect any girl?) I am also sure his regular force would cripple most kids. Hmm he may need more restrictions.

                                                    Interesting story so far.

                                                    "Miss Rachel" doesn't make sense. If it's the teacher they would say " Miss Last Name" if its a student they would just call her " Rachel" English speakers dont tend to use the first name when being formal.

                                                    "I'm Alexander Samarita nice to meet you." doesn't sound very formal. maybe since he is a solider and he wasn't told to be undercover he would use his army rank or something. Maybe even a formal military salute.

                                                    Uhhhh the MC is super creepy. Be careful you dont make the reader dislike him. You have written that he is really smart. maybe he covertly stares at her or something. What he is doing is harassment and he would be sent out of the room.

                                                    Mm yeah the romance seems unrealistic. If someone was staring at me all day there would be no way I would blush if they called me something like beautiful. I would assume they had mental problems. Either that or your female lead is really dumb.

                                                    Over all the story has a good start, just think about your characters a bit more logically. None of them seem " human" at the moment for me. How would you react in when you saw someone with the person you like? How would you react if your parents were killed an you were forced to be a army person? ect ect I however really like the idea of a super solider trying to navigate a classroom space.

                                                        Transparency thanks for the reply I needed that for my new work. Since somehow I'm having problems making this one even a bit popular. unlike my other work the overwhelming path. Well I'm going to correct some of the mistake while I'm still at the start.

                                                        Also the reason why they don't react like humans is because they already surpassed it.

                                                            Transparency Oh right hope your book does well here in webnovel. There are some people here who like to troll. Take care and good luck.

                                                                lynerparel Like to troll what do you mean? Also no problems! Let me know when you make some changes. Its a pretty intresting concept I think it just needs a few fixes!

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