FullMetalOtaku
Welcome to the world of would-be authors and congrats on your first chapter!

Now for the review. I'm not the most eloquent, so I'll just be blunt.

Your writing has lots of problems with capitalization, punctuation, spelling, grammar, and word use. I'm sure you know of them. They turn readers away very quickly. They are very tedious to fix but do your best none the less.

There are also many problems with the logic/ continuity. I'm just listing the most glaring ones:

  • "Sir, what do we do? There are too many of them! They will breach the outer wall at this rate!" There are just 30 zombies! These guys have cannons and guns and they can't deal with a measly 30 zombies? When trying to make your main characters intelligent/ badass, don't make the mistake of turning everyone else into stupid/ incompetent beings.
  • When does this apocalypse thing happen? In the 20th, 21st or 22nd century? Or is this an alternate Earth? This place has rapid-firing pistols and cannons huh? Okay, 20th or 21st century then. But then strongholds and castles and a king and a princess? Don't just throw every cool thing you can think of in your novel! Some of the things just don't go well together.
  • Spoiler (not really, right, it's right there in the 1st chapter): Girl's father is dead. Girl calls boy. Girl teases boy by showing him her bewbs. Then girl tells boy the bad news. Wut?

      ImBloo thank you for the review i much prefer people to be honest then lie about the quality of my work. i will work on all the things you have pointed out and hopefully my story will improve

          ImBloo P.S yeah the fanservice scene followed by the potentially devastating news was a bit weird and reading it back i kind regret doing it but still it was my attempt at some humor using fanservice.

          Also as regards to the beginning of the story i decided to try my best to rope the readers in by starting with a heavily action based scene rather than a boring chapter filled with character devlopment and world building (i felt at this point in the novel the reader has no reason to care about the world or its characters)

          Finally my logic behind the whole 30 of the undead being alot for the regular solders to handle was me trying to show the reader just how strong the main character and his friends are, given the fact they are not human. they are able to take out enemies that have the same powers that they do with rapid easy, proving just how valuable they are. (at least that was my logic behind it lol)

              FullMetalOtaku You mention in the synopsis ' infections bite that can turn any living thing into one of its kind' please stick with that as the cause of infection, not because of a scratch from their claws also turn a living thing into them too.
              Unless you want to make a scratch from their claw also cause infection, then you should change your synopsis :)

                  FullMetalOtaku
                  I have no problem with action heavy opening. In fact it's what I would do myself.

                  The fact that the 3 of them can destroy 30 zombies doesn't impress me. Why? I don't know how strong the zombies are. I don't see them tearing tanks apart with their bare hands. They aren't bullet proof either. Like I said, I don't feel your main characters are impressive. I just think everyone else is useless.

                  There's a rule in writing that is "Show, don't tell." You're telling me zombies are strong? I don't buy it. Show me! Then I might be impressed when your mc kill them.

                      ImBloo thank you for the feedback its good points you are making and i hope to improve on all the aspects you have pointed out that could be improved. :)

                          FullMetalOtaku
                          Regarding your point about "opening your novel with an action scene because no one cares about the world or character," I've got another point to add.

                          I did the exact same thing with my novel (not the vampire one, but this one - shameless plug, haha)

                          I first jumped straight to the action scene. But then I realized if readers don't know who these idiots are, why would they care?

                          Then I went back and write 4 chapters to introduce each of them as proper human beings. At that point I feel that readers will be more interested in seeing them succeed.

                          That said, you might be able to hook readers in with an ultra awesome fight scene. But if you are not sure you can pull it off, then introduce your mc first.

                              Thats a good point, action scenes can be notoriously difficult to write (as now know lol) because you have to get the pacing right and the setting right in order for it to flow and work effectively. but at the same time when you are introducing your main character(s) you need to be able to make the introduction and worldbuilding interesting so it does not bore the reader and put them off reading the rest of the story.

                              So i suppose it is a double edged sword either way it just depends on how you try and execute it.

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