vexum
Overall I think readers will understand the emotions of the MC you are trying to convey. The writing overall is good but there are a few things that I think can be improved.
1.)
Don't try to convey too many things at once
This sentence, "He started to sweat heavily, and his vision became a bit blurry, while he felt like he was going to vomit!" has too many things happening. A reader won't fully grasp what's happening. Also, don't use vague filler language when describing an intense moment like, "a bit". Vagueness in your language will unconsciously evoke a vague feeling in your readers and in this scene you want strong feelings. If you remove the "a bit" it meaning to the reader won't change. Lastly, sometimes describing a feeling in better than saying it.
For instance, "He started to sweat heavily, his vision became blurry. Bile rose in his throat as his stomach turned."
Personally I like to remove the "and" for dramatic pause.
2.)
Don't repeat narration and dialogue, "He quickly shook Sha Ku, trying to see what was wrong with him." Then you say, "Sha Ku, what's wrong,..." See how you essentially say whats wrong twice. It comes across as simple and boring to a reader.
3.)
Make sure to picture the scenes you describe.
When I picture a man who, "...quickly put his head between his legs,..." it makes me want to laugh. When I imagine a person who just saw something that horrifies them I picture, "He leaned over and held his face in his hands in a desperate attempt to steady the waves of emotion overwhelming him. Eventually, he managed to calm down." I think this better fits what you are trying to portray and addresses my fourth issue.
4.)
Don't let your characters emotions swing so quickly unless it's on purpose.
In this instance I don't think you did it on purpose. Your MC goes from, "...tried to calm himself down." to "This infuriated Sha Ku,..." It's a somewhat unrealistic swing in emotion when you haven't established that he actually managed to calm down.
5.) Pay attention to humor in high emotion chapters, only use it if it enhances the emotion.
You say, "he felt like he was going to vomit" then the MC punches his friend, "causing him to vomit." To me this comes across as a deliberate juxtaposition to humor the reader. The irony of him almost vomiting then causing the friend to vomit is humorous. That's a tactic I often use to create humor. However, whether that was intentional or not, in this instance, it detracts from the emotion you are trying to convey.
6.) Not sure if this is intentional, but be aware that you are portraying An Tang as dim-witted or insensitive her, "Sha Ku, what's wrong, the Nightmare Child is long dead. You couldn't possibly be frightened of a dead thing, could you?!" Even then you can remedy that later on if you need to.
7.) Just to reiterate, vague filler language shouldn't be used when describing strong emotions.
In general you should avoid using it with things that involve the MC since he should be the most concrete character. You use it again when you say, "Sha Ku's face was pale, starting to tear up a little as well, his voice slightly began to choke." It would be more clear and convey the same meaning if you said, "Sha Ku's face was pale, starting to tear up, his voice began to choke."
8.)
Avoid unnecessary repetitive language.
Such as here, "What's even worse, when the victim of a Nightmare Child reaches adulthood...," two sentences later you say, "Worst of all, to kill a Nightmare Child, you have..." There are better ways to say this that won't sound repetitive to your reader.
9.) Just like how some sentences need separating some are more meaningful combined.
Here you say, ""Ahhh!" he screamed, as tears poured from his eyes.
He then let off a roar, as he started to pound his fists against the brick walls of the alleyway."
Combined these two sentences have a greater effect, ""Ahhh!" he screamed, tears poured from his eyes as he started to pound his fists against the brick walls of the alleyway."
10.) Very Important
A high emotion chapter should build like a crescendo that reaches a climax and then quickly collapses.
This can significantly impact how a reader feels. It is a reflection of how humans actually deal with emotion and has a great effect on readers because they inherently understand it. For the most part you achieve this in your chapter.
However, two parts slow down your emotional crescendo, the explanation of the nightmare child from, "Even in the highest heavens,..." to "...eliminate everybody it's infected!" as well as "Just buy the fucking egg,..." to "...every action was cold and calculated." I understand that these explanations are important to your story, but if possible they should be moved to before or after the emotional crescendo.
Also, your last sentence does allow for somewhat of a descent from the emotion climax, your climax is the 7 "Bangs!". Although it might have greater impact if you added, "Sha Ku calmly placed his fist against the blood-stained brick wall as his knees collapsed beneath the weight of the memory of his daughter." This gives the reader a sense of both a physical and emotional collapse, while evoking powerful imagery.
To end I want to say I am not trying to be critical of your writing. I am sure I have made many of the same mistakes in my own novel. I didn't read your novel, but this chapter clearly has a lot of effort put into it. (Side-note: See how uncomfortable the repeated use of the word "novel" sounded there.)
You just need to keep refining it. That is one of the best things about writing on Webnovel, you can always go back and edit your chapters.
I re-read a chapter 5 times before publishing. Even then I have gone back and changed some of my chapters 3 or 4 times. Sometimes when you are in a different mindset you notice different things. I often read a chapter, make some edits, then watch a TV show and go back and notice completely different things. The TV show put me in a new mindset. This is a useful tool for new writers. The more you write the more fleshed out your style will become and the more you will pick up on these things. Just don't forget that no one should read your novel more than you.
Also, don't stop reading novels yourself. I have never taken a writing course or received any professional learning with regards to writing beyond the basics. Everything I learned about writing came from the novels I've read before. Continue to read! Just try to notice the little things your favorite authors do to make you feel a certain way. Make a not of every time you get excited, upset, or curious. Then go back through and find out how they made you feel that way. I guarantee you will improve by leaps and bounds if you do.
A final note, if you want you can read my novel, it is at https://www.webnovel.com/book/10685728705112005/The-Archaic-System.
I hope this review helps you. I would love to see how you would change the chapter after considering my advice.
P.S Left a good review for you on your novel. In my opinion, any author trying to get better deserves a good review.
