Webnovel.Forum

I'll jump on it! here's mine Mystic Pharaoh

@Lelouch91
Here is mine: https://m.webnovel.com/book/12118500106950205
I will review urs in a minute

Ill read yours all but no more after my post,
I wrote only one whereas you all have wrote a lot more xD,
I need to release my second chapter and correct the first one with your advices

lolahrunda Oh. Okay. I'll do that then.

In line with what AwesomeSingularity says, format things the settings of English US/UK. For the most part, that means that almost every single punctuation has no spaces before them. For example:

Now, moving on to the bigger picture. I had your whole "Chapter1" copy and pasted into word, and highlighted it into three different colors: Gray, Blue, and Red.

• Gray: Background information. Things not going on immediately in the present, right now.
• Blue: Dialogues, speeches
• Red: What's happening immediately. Current action.

Here's what it looks like:

As you can see, you have them roughly divided: the non-action info (gray) takes about roughly 1/3 of your story, mostly concentrated on the first section. The dialogues (blue) occurs mostly halfway into your story. Then, after that, it's all action (red).

To be honest, these gray sections are the paragraphs that my eye automatically skipped over, so I highlighted it. They're not important information for the current scene, but may be of importance to the "world building". I'm not sure if you agree with it or not, but since I've never really written any works, I always assumed that you want to make the readers invest in the characters before the world. The webnovel scene may have shifted some of the focus/priorities, but I think the characters deserve more investment since we're following the characters and not the world.

So to me, most of the gray could be taken out and your story would still be coherent enough to follow. Check this out, with all that background info removed:

Now, with those extra info removed, we can see how much focus you have on introducing your character: he's an absent-minded person who has ... nothing really going for him at the moment. Here are some things that I feel are missing:

• There are no FOIL characters/scenery currently present. Nothing and no one to compare/contrast the main character (MC) to.
• The MC's situation seems... normal. He was absent minded during lecturing, and when he actually focused, his head hurts after a while. Then he goes back home, concentrates, and sleep. Now, when you are presenting a normal situation, you usually want to draw focus to one of two things: the character or the environment. None of this was seen here.
• We know nothing of his everyday hopes and dreams, his desires, his disappointments, his emotional state, etc. No real focus for any parts of the environment either. I feel like—for example—you can focus a bit more on the waterfall, either in detail or in passing, if it is very important. Instead, the waterfall was only mentioned during the background information. You should, though, focus more on your character. We're following him. Let us know something about him.
• What theme did you want to present in this very first chapter of yours? I felt no sense of rush, no urgency. No sense of danger, no sense of wanting to better oneself. No moral conflict, no sense of belonging, and no sense of ... anything. It's like a backdrop, like watching a lily floating by the river. Some things may be happening, but I don't feel involved and I don't feel like I need to pay attention to it.

Your character isn't interesting enough to follow with. He's not a sympathetic character. He doesn't have any apparent goals that really really really really matter to him. There are no conflicts going on in the story. No problems, no issues. No drive to become better. You're hoping that your readers would stay because of your world building.

Your focus now, I think, should be on creating suspense. How would you create suspense? Check out this site for one resource, or this other one. Further readings for how to create suspense: (1), (2), (3).

I will need time to analyse all of that, thank you very much all for your advices.
I will finish review the others and correct tommorrow.
Good Nigtht

Nou Well dang Nou that was pretty thorough. Can you review my story too? : )

Nou thank you very much for this full analysis , I will annalyse all this tomorow

VL_Night

No. T..T

I only do sporadic reviews when I can squeeze in the time + effort. Sorry!

rrrnnn Sure~! I'll read Sunday Delight first because it's shorter~

Nightmare_Taichou Haha yes, it's in very slow update because I currently focused on the first one that is in contest. I'll give yours a review too asap. Once again, thanks~ :)

rrrnnn You're welcome. And may I ask, what contest is that? Mine's in the Phenomenal Author ...

rrrnnn Thank you~! But is there anything you think I should change or improve on?

rrrnnn She opened her boyfriend's apartment door with a key she got from him. And there she saw a pair of lovely pink heels. But, she still think positively about it and reasoned with herself, thinking that maybe the heels is his big sister's.

In my opinion, I think that this would have sounded better, if you had said, But, she still thought positively about it...... assuming that maybe the heels is his big sister's.

The following paragraph, But, when she heard soft moans of a woman coming from inside his bedroom, that's when her suspicion beginning to grow. It sounds a bit odd, so it's best to change the "But" to "However" and the whole part about suspicion to "her suspicions began to rise". So it'll sound more like this, However, when she heard the soft moans of a woman coming from inside his bedroom, her suspicions began to rise. See? It makes it flow better instead sounding a bit choppy.

She walked slowly to his bedroom the door with a heavy heart, all the while praying for a miracle that somehow, what she'd soon see, isn't him with another woman.

She steadied her heart before she opened the door very slowly and carefully, trying not to attract any unwanted attention from the people inside. You could re-word this to something like Trying not to attract the unwanted attention from those inside, she slowly and carefully opened the door, steadying her heartbeat Or something to that effect.

With a gentle push, the door revealed And in there she saw James, her 3 years boyfriend of 3 years with a woman she has known since high school... Natalie, her one and only best friend. Their naked bodies entangled together on the bed while they're kissing each other passionately.

She could feel her heart shattered to pieces in that instant. She had never feel this disappointed and betrayed in her life. You could change this part to something like this Never before in her life has she felt so disappointed, so betrayed and if you wanted to add a little bit more, you put in she was devastated.

She denied the truth herself at first, but... she saw that scene with her own eyes, so how could she doesn't believe it? Who does she want to fool? This sounds a bit off, so you say something like this, Even though she was witnessing their betrayal with her own eyes, she didn't want to believe it. Or you could get rid of that part altogether.

The rims of Her eyes reddened with tears starting to form, but, she hold held it all back with her sheer determination . Because, she doesn't want not wanting to look pathetic in front of those two the cheating couple. The reason I took out determination is because I didn't see a need for it there. There was no firmness of a purpose, if you had written something more on that, then maybe it would have fit in place but it was right after she saw them cheating. What was she being determined for? She's hurt at the moment, right? But it's your story, I could be wrong, so if I am, ignore me.

She forced herself to calm down and closed his bedroom door like nothing ever happened, but before she got out of her now ex-boyfriend's apartment, not forgetting to she threw the key he gave her into the trash bin near the bastard's apartment door.

The tears that she previously hold held back...

How foolish she was was she to only realize it now?

It's very hard how to explain her feelings right now. That sentence is odd, you could change it to something like this At the moment, her feelings were in turmoil. She didn't know what/how to feel.

You could add this to the list of emotions sadness and then you could add it threatened to engulf her, blah blah and then you drop this part: Maybe it was because she put her trust too much on them had trusted them too much, that's why she also feel too much sadness because of them the pain she felt was so unbearable..

I think you should add a space between this and the It's Sunday now, for the place and time to change so sudden, it's almost as though it's jumping out at readers.

And it's supposed to be a happy day for her because today is would have been her 3rd anniversary with James. She really wanted to surprise him with her sudden arrival and brought bring him to La Casa Fresco, the award-winning and world-famous three Michelin star holding restaurant for their anniversary date tonight.

She tried quite hard for almost 2 months and has to relied on her connections too, to be able to get a reservation and booked a seat there. You could twist this around to make it : For 2 months she tried quite hard, even relying on her connections too, just so to book a reservation. Or something like that.

Usually, people could only has make a reservation 4 months in advance. But, she's lucky, one of her photos (?) loyal fans know the owner slash the head chef there, the great Matteo Bianchi.

She had even gone so far and (you could add these in for emphasis) bought a very expensive dress with a matching pair of scary high heels and a pretty clutch especially for today. She had also already planned to go to Natalie's place to get her help with makeup.

She dislikes that type (what type? Mermaid? High/low? Hestia double slit? Open back?) of dress and shoes. Yes, she admits/admitted they made her look very pretty, but, for her that is often be on doing outdoor activities, she found them uncomfortable and quite troublesome.

Furthermore She also rarely wears makeup but when she did and she preferred it her makeup to be light too. And as for her usual days, she almost never wear makeup at all.

But for him, she did all of it. You could twist it to make it more dramatic like But for him, she did it all

Okay, this is just my opinion, I could be wrong, since it's your story and you know it better than I do. If there are some things that you are uncomfortable with, you can go ahead and ignore it. And I hope you don't feel offended by this, but if you are, I'm truly sorry and I never meant any harm.

JunkieOverThe_Moon
Is your novel under rewrite or rearrangement? I saw 8 first chapters in the aux volume. The actual volume has chapters from 14 to 38. Where are chapters 9-13?

Also, this.

Synopsis:
I repeat, this is a REALISTIC novel, not some gaming system novel like TWO or TLE. Don't expect cheats or coincidences to fall from the sky. No system and perhaps, 1-2 cheats will be all for the novel. Thank u for reading the disclaimer.

Ch-17 First Kill and Usurp
His aura seeped out from his body and created a dangerous miasma of black fog around him. This was the Aura of a Lord, a stage which means power and prestige in the lands of Central Continent and Audenia. Felix was beginning to enter the ranks of Lords.

Aura? Stage? Rank? You lost me there.

Are you rewriting the novel to remove all traces of systems, or did you forget to delete the "realistic disclaimer" from the synopsis?

Either way, I suggest you reorganize the novel for a bit before offering it up for review. If you're just messing with the readers, though, forget what I just said.

Nightmare_Taichou

Oh my, you're so detailed. But, I love it! You could be a great editor!
Don't worry, I'm very happy instead that you took your time to correct my mistakes and make it better. Many thanks! I'll fix it asap :D

Honestly, I don't have anything bad I could say about your work. The novel is interesting. It's written with such great details and each characters also well-introduced.

I just found something that I thought would be better if you could change it (from chapter 7) :

He shrugged. "So, if you want to "invent" volleyball here, I won't stop you. If you want to "invent" manga, I'm not going to stop you."

Maybe you could just use 'invent' instead of "invent"?
And, I think you're using too many " in your novel when you actually could just use '

Who was the brunet? He had already met Mamoru and Kohaku but he's never seen the brunet-haired girl before.

The correct word for it is brunette not brunet.

The one directly in front of him had balls of Fire swirling around his clenched fists while the other stood with a gigantic scythe that had Fire raging around its blade.

Is there a good reason for you to use the capital F for fire?

Sure, Akira was nice and funny and the whatnot, but he can be pretty terrible and disgusting as he's experienced. But Seiya is actually rather gentle, and he doesn't bark at him like Akira had when they'd first met.

I think it would be better if you change but to whereas
Actually I found the whatnot kind of weird too, but I also couldn't find a better word to use.

That's about it from me. I hope what I just said doesn't make you offended :)

ImBloo
Got it. Yea, its kinda in an rewriting stage. I made a hell lotta mistakes when I first published it and it kinda brought down the total appeal of the book, even to me too. When I was first starting the book, i was experimenting with different styles and it messed the novel up.
As for ch 9 to 13 and from ch 20 onward, im working. Inkstone is really fucked up sometimes and sometimes godly helpful.....

As for the disclaimer... Um... Realistic in a sense thar it will not follow the usual trends of webnovels where thoughts for feminism and other 'utopian' feelings are highly regarded.
Emotionally realistic, I would say. For a medieval lord.
As for it being realistic amd them putting such 'fantasy' thingy.... Yes, im trying to mix in a bit of fantasy to 'speed' things up. Yes, I know that it isn't entirely realistic, but frankly, will u believe me if I tell u that I walked half of the earth in two years while simultaneously writing a story on a DESKTOP computer.... Is it possible??
By Realistic, I didn't mean that the MC wouldnt have any superpower or anything. If he didnt have any OP power and still managed to conquer half of a world as big as the sun.... Will u believe such bullshit MC.
Well, its not impossible but definitely not easy. If u think about alex the great, yea, he did conquer a lot, but his governance was next to shit. The mongols. They did it in 1 or 2 centuries time, well after khan died.. If I were to do a completelt fucking realistic novel, then it wouldnt be a novel at all. It would be a history lecture.
U know, when u r making a novel, especially a WN, u need to dilute the truth. In my novel, the dilution would be very less.
If u then ask, WHAT IS REALISTIC?? my answer would be that they would be emotionally realistic, disposition wise realistic and culturally too.
For example, a knight of the catholic pantheon wouldnt naturally be comfortable around the samurai, a dao cultivator, a barbaric Danish Viking, a Heathen warrior of the south ot even beside a lady knight. Its as simple as that.
Welp!!! Now that u said it, I try to work a bit faster, compromise with my studies a bit more and hope to come up to ur expectations.
..... And if I fail in my preboards
.. @ImBloo u will be held responsible....