Hello,

I need comments and review to improve my writing before publishing more, please can you read my first chapter and I will do the same for yours after, only 5 first for tonight
I know it is hard to start from nothing so I will give you good marks but I will say what is good and what I think should be improve here,
So please do the same,

Thank You

    Thank you for your comment guys, I take a shower and I will review your's
    I know I have only one chapter I am 60% done for the second one but I wanted to have some advice.

      Lelouch91 I read your story and its fairly interesting. The first thing I'd like to say is that when you're typing, do so in Word (if you aren't already) and then change the language settings to English US/UK whichever you want to choose. That way, when you're typing, the characters' speeches are enclosed in "..." instead of « … » because not everyone knows that those are french quotation marks.

      In terms of the story, (this is just my personal opinion), I think it would have been better (I could be wrong here) if you had put the village history and stuff as a prologue.

      The young Xiao Yu has just reached 16 years old today... The paragraph that starts this way, I think you should move it and place it before this: « Xiao Yu !!! When will you listen !? » so that it flows better. And then you could say Hearing his teacher's voice snapped him out of his thoughts instead of Xiao Yu came to his senses :« Xiao Yu apologizes to senior Gang Wu. »

      Should I continue like this? I would have done the whole chapter but I don't know if this is the way you'd want me to do it...

        Dr_Zombie
        Done the was a good story, too short i think you could have extend it a litlle more, I left a review

            Ill read yours all but no more after my post,
            I wrote only one whereas you all have wrote a lot more xD,
            I need to release my second chapter and correct the first one with your advices

            In line with what AwesomeSingularity says, format things the settings of English US/UK. For the most part, that means that almost every single punctuation has no spaces before them. For example:

            spacing

            Now, moving on to the bigger picture. I had your whole "Chapter1" copy and pasted into word, and highlighted it into three different colors: Gray, Blue, and Red.

            • Gray: Background information. Things not going on immediately in the present, right now.
            • Blue: Dialogues, speeches
            • Red: What's happening immediately. Current action.

            Here's what it looks like:

            highlights

            As you can see, you have them roughly divided: the non-action info (gray) takes about roughly 1/3 of your story, mostly concentrated on the first section. The dialogues (blue) occurs mostly halfway into your story. Then, after that, it's all action (red).

            To be honest, these gray sections are the paragraphs that my eye automatically skipped over, so I highlighted it. They're not important information for the current scene, but may be of importance to the "world building". I'm not sure if you agree with it or not, but since I've never really written any works, I always assumed that you want to make the readers invest in the characters before the world. The webnovel scene may have shifted some of the focus/priorities, but I think the characters deserve more investment since we're following the characters and not the world.

            So to me, most of the gray could be taken out and your story would still be coherent enough to follow. Check this out, with all that background info removed:

            backgroundinfoRemoved

            Now, with those extra info removed, we can see how much focus you have on introducing your character: he's an absent-minded person who has ... nothing really going for him at the moment. Here are some things that I feel are missing:

            • There are no FOIL characters/scenery currently present. Nothing and no one to compare/contrast the main character (MC) to.
            • The MC's situation seems... normal. He was absent minded during lecturing, and when he actually focused, his head hurts after a while. Then he goes back home, concentrates, and sleep. Now, when you are presenting a normal situation, you usually want to draw focus to one of two things: the character or the environment. None of this was seen here.
            • We know nothing of his everyday hopes and dreams, his desires, his disappointments, his emotional state, etc. No real focus for any parts of the environment either. I feel like—for example—you can focus a bit more on the waterfall, either in detail or in passing, if it is very important. Instead, the waterfall was only mentioned during the background information. You should, though, focus more on your character. We're following him. Let us know something about him.
            • What theme did you want to present in this very first chapter of yours? I felt no sense of rush, no urgency. No sense of danger, no sense of wanting to better oneself. No moral conflict, no sense of belonging, and no sense of ... anything. It's like a backdrop, like watching a lily floating by the river. Some things may be happening, but I don't feel involved and I don't feel like I need to pay attention to it.

            Your character isn't interesting enough to follow with. He's not a sympathetic character. He doesn't have any apparent goals that really really really really matter to him. There are no conflicts going on in the story. No problems, no issues. No drive to become better. You're hoping that your readers would stay because of your world building.

            Your focus now, I think, should be on creating suspense. How would you create suspense? Check out this site for one resource, or this other one. Further readings for how to create suspense: (1), (2), (3).

              I will need time to analyse all of that, thank you very much all for your advices.
              I will finish review the others and correct tommorrow.
              Good Nigtht

                Nou Well dang Nou that was pretty thorough. Can you review my story too? : )

                    Nou thank you very much for this full analysis 😯😊 , I will annalyse all this tomorow

                        Nightmare_Taichou Haha yes, it's in very slow update because I currently focused on the first one that is in contest. I'll give yours a review too asap. Once again, thanks~ :)

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