DarkElven6 Loved the plot!

The only things I would recommend is that you do a read through before you post for grammar, spelling, POV and tense. There were a few instances where you had typos, and there was at least one sentence that I wasn't sure to who you were referring because the POV seemed to change.

They were all minor things that didn't affect the story appeal in my opinion :)
Again I loved the story line and can't wait to see where it goes from chapter 12 :D

      Scott_Crosswhite I enjoyed the ideas for both stories! I would suggest that you spend a bit more time reviewing your writing before you post, it was kind of hard to follow at times due to misspellings. (Not sure if they are typos or just misspelled.)

      One of the things I do if I realize I have a lot of typos is I read what I wrote backwards. That way I have to read each individual word slowly, and I don't accidentally skim since it's hard to read critically if I have just written a paper.

      I loved seeing the difference in writing styles between the two books, can't wait to see how your writing style changes over time :D

          Avalondra
          I didn't read the whole thing but I read enough to get into the story and I thought it was interesting, despite your small mistakes in grammar and tenses I really loved the beautiful way you described the characters and there features. That being said I would still work on your English rules in regards to the past future and present tenses as well as sentence structure. They are good considering its not your first language but I still think it would hep you out a lot

          Here are some of my stories hope you like them.

          https://www.webnovel.com/book/15823608105057805/The-Rising-of-The-Half-Demon
          This ones about a dwarf the saves a half demon from a cruel slaver.

          https://www.webnovel.com/book/15961321306649805/The-Gadgetist
          This one is set in the future and its about a boy that was given supper powers after being experimented on. I wrote it for a competition.

          Hope you enjoy!

              Scott_Crosswhite I want someone to diss my work hehehe... Just kidding, someone who will give me an honest feedback. I have edited only a few chapters at this point. If you are interested feel free to check land warrior.

                  DarkElven6
                  I left my review in on the stories page but ill summarize it here.
                  I'm sure your aware that there are typos and missing words here and there but besides those the story itself as well as the names you gave places like Vale are all really good and quite impressive, one thing I think you might want to think about is taking a little more time on parts that were rushed through like her journey to the capital at the beginning, Even just a few more sentences describing things would probably be fine it just felt kind of like you rushed because you wanted to get to writing the good part.

                  I hope my advice was helpful Please review some of my stories as well.

                  https://www.webnovel.com/book/15823608105057805/The-Rising-of-The-Half-Demon
                  This ones about a dwarf the saves a half demon from a cruel slaver.

                  https://www.webnovel.com/book/15961321306649805/The-Gadgetist
                  This one is set in the future and its about a boy that was given supper powers after being experimented on. I wrote it for a competition.

                  Hope you enjoy!

                      Still accepting reviews and @Avalondra I apologize for not reviewing your work yet. I will post it this evening.

                      Here is the title of my work

                      Title: Land Warrior
                      Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/13802069006408505
                      Story: The Story Revolves around the young Lieutenant Luis Alfonso. He is a soldier of the Republic of Easting Armed Forces, namely, in the Army. He belongs to the one of the country's elite Special Forces Unit, the 51st Greyhounds.

                      The story contains: Voilence, War and Politics.

                      Story So Far: 3rd Arc, Slaying the Beast

                      Other Things to Mention: One of my first Originals in WN.

                        Allen_Clay012

                        So I haven't gotten half way through just yet but you only said a few of the chapters were edited anyway, because of this ill take some examples from the first chapter.

                        The First thing I really noticed was that it seemed like it was in a fantasy world more or less like the modern one with no magic system and a modernized military's. However this is all largely assumed information for me because while I've never heard of places like the city of Francisco, it sounds like it could be a real place, the story itself also starts in the year 2021 which is really close to the current modern times. If it is indeed in a fictional world than You should come up with a different time system, for example our worlds current year 2020 is 2020 years after the coming of Jesus from the bible. In a fictional world Jesus may not have come and they might base there years off when the first nuclear bomb was detonated instead. Another thing would be to give the planet a name other than earth. In the authors notes you did provide a cipher that I read which was nice and made it rather apparent that it most certainly wasn't our modern earth but its still nice to put things into the story itself to really explain the setting especially because I have found most people don't read the authors notes.

                        If the story takes place on earth but time advanced differently than you should explain why and how time advanced differently, for example Hitler won world war 2 and now there are only three countries. Japan, America, and Germany. Otherwise if its a entirely different world and you somehow tell the audience that than this backstory isn't totally necessary.

                        One thing that should be noted is that if it is a fantasy world you should never use describing words like Caucasian. Generally speaking this means a white person or a person that originates from the European, north African, and western Russian areas. The term Caucasian itself would neve r be used in a fantasy world unless you incorporate real world elements into the story which would again result in confusion for the reader. Instead you could describe them by their features instead of their general race, for example. the fair skinned pale woman. Its important to understand to unless a different species entirely like elves, race isn't usually a good describing too as you can have Asians with large eyes and Africans with small lips, they just aren't as common, however cultures are different. If I say to you in a real world scenario that a building is of eastern design you will most likely think of Chinese or Japanese architecture, this is why almost all fantasy worlds have the same generic layout that the real world dose this isn't a rule though and just a tool that's used because otherwise you'd have to constantly give the reader hints and reminders that even though your in the west, its still the only place with fireworks and dragon festivals.

                        One final thing about fantasy worlds that I noticed was that one of the main characters names was Jose. This is actually perfectly fine but I'm assuming its a Spanish name and pronounced Ho say. In fantasy worlds I like to spell names exactly how they'd be pronounced in English, this lets me still get the name to the audience, but also makes it clear how too say the name. In doing this everyone would still understand that the name still sounded Spanish in there head but this way everyone reads the name how its pronounced instead of some people pronouncing it Joe with an s at the end. Ultimately its up to you and almost everyone should know that the Spanish j makes an h sound its just something I like to take advantage of. If the name actually isn't Spanish I apologies

                        Now onto the grammar and spelling.

                        In the first chapter there is a section of text the reads as follows.
                        One of them was hungry, the guy in the baseball cap. He asked permission from his friend that he will be going to the cafeteria to eat. "I'm a little bit hungry Juan, I'm going to head to the cafeteria."

                        Grammar aside the biggest problem with sections of text like this is that you basically just told the reader the exact same thing twice, text and quotes should work together but they should never say the same thing, if you have him ask a question in narration than you should have someone else answer the question afterwards instead of restating it. Another problem with this is that you say in the narration the he (Asked) permission to go eat, but then in the quote he makes the statement that he is going to go and eat, consistency is really important to keep a reader immersed in the story.

                        The finally thing I would suggest is widening your describing words. Its very important to be able to refer to characters by there characteristics, especially when the reader doesn't know the characters name yet. However one characteristic should never be used as a direct substitute for a name, in the first chapter you used military man to describe the same person multiple times in a row, the biggest problem with this is that there are other military men in the general area and the term is too generic to be used to describe the one character specifically by itself. Many different phrases like large, ripped, muscular, narrow eyed, and flat headed can all be used. An easy thing to do is to give the character multiple characteristics when there first introduced and then describe them accordingly using those characteristics until a specific name is introduced for the character.

                        This took awhile too type up so I really hope you actually read at least most of it. XD
                        Please feel free to read and review my books as well There all very short because I haven't published many chapters yet so none of them should take very long. Thanks, enjoy!

                            Scott_Crosswhite sure, no problem... I'll read your works and review them. I also want to thank you about your insights which I really needed.

                            I actually patterned the universe similar to ace combat universe where names of nations are similar so as the military hardware they are using. I will explain the story further by maybe adding some chapters to address this issue.

                            About the setting of the story it happened in a different universe. Similar yet different in some sense, it is like a what if scenario. But from what you have stated I will fix those said problems.

                            Thank you for your detailed insights. Glad to have you review my work. As always, good luck and godspeed!

                            I forgot to mention about C.Y. it actually means Common Year. I think I should really add more dumps and clarifications indeed. Thank you for citing those issues out.

                              RandomchaoS yeah, I think I already added yours. But let me check again, I once read it's sypnosis in one of the forums and got interested to read it and added it to my library. I haven't read the novel though. Just give me a day and wait for my review :)

                                LuoNa

                                For general purposes I am going too assume that your best work will be some of your more recent work so Ill take my examples from the latest chapters of the story. I do however feel the need to point out that the grammar and tenses should be looked at and edited in the first chapters especially.

                                Within the first paragraph you use the word Immortals three times in three lines, and while this accurately describes the group of people your referring too you should really try to limit using the same word multiple times within a short timeframe, you did this quite a lot at the beginning of the story as well with use of the word and. The story still gets its point across well but id someone reads the same word to many times without enough words in between than it fells like your just reading the same thing over and over and perhaps even worse than that it makes the story choppy, the goal is to make the story flow smoothly into the mind of the reader and word variation and sentence structure are both very important in that regard.

                                As far as sentence structure in the first chapter it was decent but lacking, there were many places that needed commas and didn't have them. In chapter 70 your sentence structure is actually really quite good and very well written which was an impressive improvement to see, the only exception is that you have several run on sentences that go on just a little bit too long. A run on sentence is essentially a sentence that keeps on going, usually containing three or more commas. It is ok and sometimes necessary to have sentences like this, but they should be found mostly in dialogue. If a character is the only one speaking like say a teacher giving a lecture, than they might speak in a run on sentence, the narration and descriptions on the other hand should have little to none, if a sentence goes on too long than the reader will feel like the story isn't going anywhere or has hit a stand still, this breaks immersion and separates the reader from the story which is the last thing we want.

                                The only other thing was the grammar, most notably when you describe someone as going towards/to someplace else you tend to say on or in. You don't lead someone on a ledge you lead them to a ledge, however many of these could just be typos in which case you would lead someone (Onto) a ledge, whichever happens to be the case you should watch out for little things like that when your proofing or typing.

                                The story itself was actually really interesting even though I skipped ahead after the first few chapters, The last chapter was written very well compared to the first, it was fun too see the improvement, however if you ever have time now that your a better writer its important to go back over your older work and proof read it again, it will also improve your writing even further.

                                Good job and good luck in the future I hope you read some of my novels and review them as well.

                                    WPC #97 Entry Sci-fi Romance
                                    Title: Lady of the Future

                                    Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/15949201905496805/The-Lady-of-the-Future

                                    Overview:
                                    Basically the MC was a system who became a human (the technical term in the novel was Irah). Her memories got deleted and system powers were gone. Though due to 'Unfeeling' a genius could just remain emotionless.

                                    Then after, she would meet her 'One' a mortal man (novel technical term for another kind of human). [Romance Part]

                                    Please don't forget to VOTE, Add to your Library and Review. Thanks for Reading! Have a Nice Day!!

                                      Write a Reply...
                                      Web Novel Novel Ask