Now that you have selected an awesome author name, and have come up with an attention-grabbing title, your next step is to write a synopsis for your new story!

Why should you write a synopsis? Why, because some people may not be instantly blown away by your jaw-dropping title skills, and need a bit more convincing. It is important to remember that those people are stupid, and nothing they say will have any value to you whatsoever, so it's important to ignore it!

When you're writing your synopsis, you have a couple of options, all of which are equally useful in making readers think you're a closeted genius!

The first and easiest option is to just put the entire plot of the novel, including dialogue between all major characters and a clear three-act structure in the synopsis. The more information you put in there, the better! Why, how will people know they want to read your book if they don't know every single possible thing that is going to happen in the exact sequence they happen in? Nobody wants to be surprised by a story! They want exactly what they expect, and nothing else!

Now, you may be thinking "BuT ClOwNiaC, wOuLdN't tHaT MakE mY SyNOpSis REaLly lOnG?" Well yeah! Of course! That's the point! Who cares if your synopsis is a couple thousand words long? The readers who read it certainly won't mind spending 30 minutes having the entire plot spoiled for them in the description! And if they do, WHO CARES? They just technically read your entire novel! That counts as a win in my book!

Now, if the "whole book as a synopsis" thing sounds like too much work, or you don't like the idea of spoiling things for readers, then your second option is what I refer to as the "Kerouac synopsis". Afraid your synopsis will spoil things? Just make it as short and as vague as possible! Don't tell your readers a single thing about what your novel is about, or even what kind of story it is! Let the entire thing be a surprise, including the genre! What better way to blow your readers' minds than when they find out the story they thought was going to be a serious, violent Wuxia story is actually a campy BL novel set in outer space!

"BuT CloWNiAc, hoW WiLl I kNoW if MY Synopsis iS ToO ShORt?" I can hear some of you asking. Well fear not! If your synopsis is AT LEAST 2 words long, it is long enough to contain both a subject and a verb (or even a subject, verb, and object if the subject is an implied "you"!). Why, you can literally sum up entire classic novels in only two words! Don't believe me? Watch!

"The Old Man And The Sea" by Ernest Hemingway: Man fishes
"Moby Dick" by Herman Melville: Man whale-fishes
"As I Lay Dying" by William Faulkner: Woman buried
"The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck: Bumpkins relocate

And trust me when I tell you these ARE accurate descriptions of the books in question. Do you know anything else about the story? Do you really need to? Of course not!

Now, the third and final option for a synopsis is what I would like to refer to as the "esoteric" option. This is when you write a synopsis that is just as long as the first type of synopsis, while somehow telling readers even less about your book than the ultra-short version I just told you about! This option is PERFECT for writers who have a limited, or perhaps even non-existent, understanding of the English language, because it requires literally no ability to understand what you are saying in order to do it right!

Do you have a random collection of cool sounding words that might vaguely resemble a sentence that means something significant? Stick it in! What about a whole conversation of dialogue in broken English with absolutely no context! Bring it on! What about a bunch of text emojis that tell a reader what they should be feeling? Absolutely!

"BYut CuH-LOwniaKK!", I can hear some of you shriek, "WOnT ThAt mAkE My syNoPSis HaRd tO ReAd?!"

Yes! Of course! That's the point! We WANT to be difficult to understand when using this technique! Why? Because difficult to understand makes us mysterious, and being mysterious makes people want to read our books! You do want people to read your books don'tcha!?

Now, get out there and write some damn good synopses! Clowniac believes in ya!