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Seshata thank you so much! I will put this into action when I edit my chapters in the coming week I really appreciate the feedback.

Hello! First, thank you for giving us precious advice on form and style. Perhaps you can take a look at my first chapter if you have the time. Thanks!
https://www.webnovel.com/book/15473894706673305

Seshata I really appreciate what you're doing for the community :) Thank you for spending your sabbatical period with us :hearts: If you have the time to, no rush, would love to receive feedback for my new novel: https://www.webnovel.com/book/16115593106041905/The-Marked-Phoenix%3A-Little-Red-Bird

Seshata

Yep. MA comp lit. Main diff is my area is to analyse and interpret what has already been written rather than to support someone who's currently writing. There's obviously a huge overlap, but I noticed how your critique comes with a forward motion which is writer centric. I tend to write reviews which are more reader centric.

kazesenken Lovely opening to a short story! (but also could easily be an opener for a novel!)

First major take-away is: You Are Smart. No, seriously, you have completely gained my trust as a reader that you are intelligent, know what you're talking about, and will provide me with a story well-thought out. Even without the auxiliary chapter, I can tell you're either actually a scientist or intimately familiar with scientific processes and higher education. As a nerd myself (and most of your most avid readers will likely fall into that category as well), I am greatly relieved and satisfied when a "nerdy' character is actually a nerd and actually intelligent. I've read too many "scientist" romance novels that have exactly zero science in them, and it makes me cry.

My biggest piece of advice for your writing is to tighten it up. You have a habit of using more words than your story requires, especially prepositions and adverbs. Let's look at your first sentence:
"One might be wondering why a girl like me was holding onto a set of mirrors, carefully positioning them so that I could get a good glance at the guy across the room."

It's a funny opener and does what all good beginnings should do--it raises questions for your story to answer. But if it were a tad shorter, it would add to the pithiness of the humor. Ex:
"One might be wondering why a girl like me was repositioning these lab mirrors to get a better view of the guy across the room."
The "holding onto" is unnecessary because if you're positioning them, then clearly you're touching them or controlling them in some way. "repositioning" as a verb makes the "carefully" and "holding" part unnecessary because it shows us the MC is purposefully moving something already set one way so it will be serve another purpose. "so that I could get" becomes "to get" -- most of the time, if two things mean exactly the same thing, go with the shorter version.

This is not me saying that shorter is always better, just that you should only add words when they specifically add to the story, esp when they add to characterization or setting. Adding "lab" to the mirrors, for ex, gave us a little more understanding of the setting but also what she means by "girl like me": science girl who works in a lab.

Later, there's "After only a brief statement, I felt my heart tighten suddenly."
First, try to avoid "I felt" or "it seemed like"; just skip to the real action. "My heart tightened."
"after a brief moment" and "suddenly" are redundant. You only want to use adverbs like "suddenly" "instantly" etc sparingly, and only when there's no other way to tell an action is coming out of nowhere. Here, you don't actually need EITHER the first section or the suddenly, because we heard the same brief statement as the MC did, so we already know it was brief.
Instead: "My heart tightened. The sound of intelligence drifted into my ears like a ballad." (cut being played; again, obvious).
To be clear, YOU ARE HILARIOUS. The fact that she's freaking out and hearing intelligent thought like a ballad all because a guy was talking nerdy in her vicinity is comedy gold. I'm only offering suggestions to make what is already really good, really solid writing, just a bit better!

In terms of adverbs, (and this is for everyone out there), take the time to think whether an adverb is necessary or just lazy/easy. For ex: "I hastily turned around" -- in this case, I'd call hastily the easy way out, and request you find a replacement verb strong enough to stand alone. "whirled around" or something. Furthermore, "turned around" is one of those descriptors like "look around" or "turned my head" that most writers don't need but overuse. If she "rushed away to her workbench" we can assume she turned that direction first before doing so. In fact, we'll only think otherwise if you specifically tell us she forgot to turn to look where she was going because she was still ga-ga over Hunky Scientist, and she crashes into a worktable or something.

Also in that sentence you have the character "turn around after grabbing a random wrench"; you want your action to follow chronological order (unless your MC is crazy or an otherwise unreliable narrator). So you'd start with the grabbing the wrench (or maybe even start with the emotional reason behind grabbing the wrench "in a makeshift attempt to hide my eavesdropping")
So this original sentence: "Nearly forgetting what I was doing, I hastily turned around after grabbing a random wrench from the nearby table, in a makeshift attempt to hide my eavesdropping."
Becomes this: "Flustered, I've forgotten why I'd come over in the first place. In a makeshift attempt to hide my eavesdropping, I grab a random wrench from a nearby table and rush back to my workbench, face burning."

All in all, this opening chap is highly enjoyable, super entertaining, and demonstrates a command of language and knowledge of the subject material. With a few light tweaks, mostly tightening up the language and replacing non-imagery-focused descriptors (like adverbs, prepositions, etc) with descriptions of imagery or characterization, your story will better highlight the parts that make it engaging and fun.

:)

StenDuring I thought as much. I actually don't have an MA, to be clear, just studied English Language and Lit undergrad, as well as comparative folklore, mythology, and world religions (which was pretty much just more comparative lit, haha). You're spot on about the diff bw my MFA critique style and MA Comp Lit analyses. Comp essays were fun most of the time, when the prof didn't require a specific thesis anyway, but I def find writer-centric analysis waaaay more enjoyable. Grammar nerd life. ;)
I think it's funny so many people are surprised people with higher-ed degrees and jobs in academia would be on webnovel. Who spends more time online reading rando stories and binging tv than students? We've been students longer than anybody! lol

That's a wrap for today, folks! Sensei will be back in tomorrow morning. Thank you for trusting me with your words. I'm loving all these stories, and nothing is more satisfying than hearing that people are getting something out of my feedback. You've all made me a happy teacher. :)

Seshata haha thank you so much! Yeah I've been told that I tend to abuse commas. Once I have a firm cushion of chapters I'm going to go back and edit them for clarity, syntax, grammar ect.

Seshata
Thanks a lot for the useful comments! I'm not well-versed in literary art form, so it's really helpful to see how you could transform my writing into crisper, concise meanings that flow better.
And you are right, I am a scientist. So I think I do a decent job of conveying what I want to say, but it doesn't always come out pretty.
I'm glad you found it entertaining, and I hope you finish the story (I guess it's a novella, since it's about 15k words). I had fun writing it for a friend of mine.
I'll be sure to keep these points in mind for my main novel that I'm still writing.

https://www.webnovel.com/book/16176386306205205/The-Sadist-System

my story.
Pretty good with grammar, but take a look.

Seshata There are many well-written books that haven’t been translated yet, I wish I could translate them!

For example Novoland Eagle Flag, it has been adapted as a TV series. You can check out the settinf of this world called Novoland (literally it’s the land of nine continents). There’s also a book called 天行健 tianxingjian by Yan Leisheng that I’m currently reading. It’s a war novel set in a different world (it‘s like in the past but it‘s actually in a distant future after our world has collapsed) and it’s told by a soldier who becomes more and more skeptical about the aim of the war and the orders of his superiors. As he becomes higher in position, he finds himself at the center of political intrigues as well as power struggles, which are even more dangerous than going to battles. The plot is very realistic yet complicated, and the characters are very complex. It‘s like game of thrones but with only one focalization.
There‘s another book called Nirvana in Fire. It has been adapted into a TV series too.
If you have time, do check them out!

Novoland Eagle Flag, it has been adapted as a TV series. You can check out the settinf of this world called Novoland (literally it’s the land of nine continents). There’s also a book called 天行健 tianxingjian by Yan Leisheng that I’m currently reading. It’s a war novel set in a different world (it‘s like in the past but it‘s actually in a distant future after our world has collapsed) and it’s told by a soldier who becomes more and more skeptical about the aim of the war and the orders of his superiors. As he becomes higher in position, he finds himself at the center of political intrigues as well as power struggles, which are even more dangerous than going to battles. The plot is very realistic yet complicated, and the characters are very complex. It‘s like game of thrones but with only one focalization.
There‘s another book called Nirvana in Fire. It has been adapted into a TV series too.
If you have time, do check them out!

(Sorry to post this reply two times...)

Seshata Not Sure if you like romance stories with twists but I would love to hear your opinion on my new novel.

https://www.webnovel.com/book/16087359006969905/Ryan-Morgan%3A-Love-Contract

Piokilek
Well, he just reviewed my WPC 99 entry, so I would guess likely so.

https://www.webnovel.com/book/16176386306205205/The-Sadist-System

opinion please

Seshata

Sorry, I just wanted to ask if you got your PH.D, or just your masters? Obviously, I'm assuming you got your PH.D, but I can't a hundred percent be sure. I'm in a master's program for psychology and working on applying for doctorate programs.

Also, I feel your pain about grammar. I think it's one of those things that you have to try to understand, and you can't be taught. Often times, it seems people think they know grammar and try to give advice to others, meanwhile, they are commenting with absurd tense usage.

Also, I think authors should be able to take certain liberties in stores as many often do.

Anyways, just curious if you got your doctorate and where you got it.

SrtaA First off, I enjoy your title! I like that the maiden is the mischievous one, and it's the prince who has to sleep his life away. I don't know if that's what your book is actually about, but I like this subversion of gendered tropes! :)

First off, simple fix that again helps EVERYONE: in your first sentence, "Firm knocks ... made Alexa startle in anticipation" -- try to avoid "helping" verbs that dilute the power of your main action words. Startle is a great word, evokes a clear picture and emotional state. "made startle" doesn't really make sense, and your real action "startle" is lost in the rest of the sentence. "Firm knocks at the carriage door startled Alexa and Lady Cordelia." We don't know anything about them yet, so you don't need "the other maiden" here; it just muddles the opening line and slows it down. Also, I'm not positive you can "startle in anticipation." I would go with startle here, and then explain Cordelia turns toward the door in anticipation or something.

Magnus von Wutenfall is SUCH a name omg. Love it.

Alexa's personality is well-established in that first line of dialogue. And her curiosity shows through when she peers outside. Also, "A handsome face showed up." is a fabulous, funny one-liner para.

In general, some of your sentences could be pared down a bit, just to help with the flow. For ex: "peered to the outside" should be "peered outside" ; also, "Alexa's violet eyes met the Prince's golden ones immediately. What she saw was the immediate shock in those eyes." should be "...(keep the first sent)... Shock widened his leonine gaze." (or whatever.) Moral of the story, we don't need two "immediate" anythings, and we don't need "what she saw was" because clearly she saw it, you just told us her eyes met his his, and that's what eyes do.

Love the mercenary and the "honor is to be lost" line, plus the "bastard" line. Your short, pithy sentences are hilarious and great at characterization.

"Concatenate" -- Bold choice. Doesn't quite flow with the story, might be a bit too intense a vocabulary term for the genre, since it's usually used in regards to coding. Also, I had to look that up to make sure I actually knew what it meant, and I have 4 degrees. Your average reader probably doesn't know that word off the top of their head. By all means, use advanced vocab and hold high expectations for your readers, but try to limit the really difficult words to times when no other word is as good.

"Le mot juste" is a French phrase that essentially means "the perfect word." It's this idea that sometimes, authors find the absolute perfect word for a sentence or an idea, and when it comes together, it forms the most perfect sentiment. I don't think concatenate is "le mot juste" in that moment. Instead of perfectly flowing within the string of words around it, it stood out too much and hurt your flow.

Okay, General Thoughts:
Pros: Interesting historical period setting, great characterization of Alexa and Cordelia. Strong visual descriptions. Cordelia's description para was especially strong. Lovely vocabulary/diction. Some really funny lines. Great high-stakes ending for a first chapter. Solid build-up of the initial mystery--Who, or what, is Alexa? Why do people either hate or love her? Why does everyone think she may have assassinated a prince?

Great opening in terms of story!

Cons: Story-wise, the only light issue with the first chap is that the mysterious accident "two days ago" is more intriguing than the current predicament. I'd suggest including a few more details about what happened to her hands, how she saved people, who she was fighting, etc. You don't need too many or anything, but a few more details would help slake the hunger for backstory I was feeling.

Grammar-wise, few small issues. As I've already mentioned, sentence structure is sometimes a little wordier than it needs to be, or rather, ordered a bit strangely to mess up the flow. Watch your prepositions like "out" "of" etc.
For ex "watchful of the noble couple's clash of glances" is a bit awkward. Stick with "watching the noble couple's clash of glances"; "instinct of preservation" = "preservation instinct". Changes like this tighten up the language so the reader doesn't get bogged down so often.

All in all, intriguing opening and all the makings of a fascinating tale! Keep up the great work with characterization, imagery, and diction; with a few tweaks to sentence construction, you'll be all the stronger a storyteller! :)

SrtaA First off, I enjoy your title! I like that the maiden is the mischievous one, and it's the prince who has to sleep his life away. I don't know if that's what your book is actually about, but I like this subversion of gendered tropes! :)

First off, simple fix that again helps EVERYONE: in your first sentence, "Firm knocks ... made Alexa startle in anticipation" -- try to avoid "helping" verbs that dilute the power of your main action words. Startle is a great word, evokes a clear picture and emotional state. "made startle" doesn't really make sense, and your real action "startle" is lost in the rest of the sentence. "Firm knocks at the carriage door startled Alexa and Lady Cordelia." We don't know anything about them yet, so you don't need "the other maiden" here; it just muddles the opening line and slows it down. Also, I'm not positive you can "startle in anticipation." I would go with startle here, and then explain Cordelia turns toward the door in anticipation or something.

Magnus von Wutenfall is SUCH a name omg. Love it.

Alexa's personality is well-established in that first line of dialogue. And her curiosity shows through when she peers outside. Also, "A handsome face showed up." is a fabulous, funny one-liner para.

In general, some of your sentences could be pared down a bit, just to help with the flow. For ex: "peered to the outside" should be "peered outside" ; also, "Alexa's violet eyes met the Prince's golden ones immediately. What she saw was the immediate shock in those eyes." should be "...(keep the first sent)... Shock widened his leonine gaze." (or whatever.) Moral of the story, we don't need two "immediate" anythings, and we don't need "what she saw was" because clearly she saw it, you just told us her eyes met his his, and that's what eyes do.

Love the mercenary and the "honor is to be lost" line, plus the "bastard" line. Your short, pithy sentences are hilarious and great at characterization.

"Concatenate" -- Bold choice. Doesn't quite flow with the story, might be a bit too intense a vocabulary term for the genre, since it's usually used in regards to coding. Also, I had to look that up to make sure I actually knew what it meant, and I have 4 degrees. Your average reader probably doesn't know that word off the top of their head. By all means, use advanced vocab and hold high expectations for your readers, but try to limit the really difficult words to times when no other word is as good.

"Le mot juste" is a French phrase that essentially means "the perfect word." It's this idea that sometimes, authors find the absolute perfect word for a sentence or an idea, and when it comes together, it forms the most perfect sentiment. I don't think concatenate is "le mot juste" in that moment. Instead of perfectly flowing within the string of words around it, it stood out too much and hurt your flow.

Okay, General Thoughts:
Pros: Interesting historical period setting, great characterization of Alexa and Cordelia. Strong visual descriptions. Cordelia's description para was especially strong. Lovely vocabulary/diction. Some really funny lines. Great high-stakes ending for a first chapter. Solid build-up of the initial mystery--Who, or what, is Alexa? Why do people either hate or love her? Why does everyone think she may have assassinated a prince?

Great opening in terms of story!

Cons: Story-wise, the only light issue with the first chap is that the mysterious accident "two days ago" is more intriguing than the current predicament. I'd suggest including a few more details about what happened to her hands, how she saved people, who she was fighting, etc. You don't need too many or anything, but a few more details would help slake the hunger for backstory I was feeling.

Grammar-wise, few small issues. As I've already mentioned, sentence structure is sometimes a little wordier than it needs to be, or rather, ordered a bit strangely to mess up the flow. Watch your prepositions like "out" "of" etc.
For ex "watchful of the noble couple's clash of glances" is a bit awkward. Stick with "watching the noble couple's clash of glances"; "instinct of preservation" = "preservation instinct". Changes like this tighten up the language so the reader doesn't get bogged down so often.

All in all, intriguing opening and all the makings of a fascinating tale! Keep up the great work with characterization, imagery, and diction; with a few tweaks to sentence construction, you'll be all the stronger a storyteller! :)