Lit Professor Here - Want 1st Chap Feedback?
Seshata
Thanks a lot for the useful comments! I'm not well-versed in literary art form, so it's really helpful to see how you could transform my writing into crisper, concise meanings that flow better.
And you are right, I am a scientist. So I think I do a decent job of conveying what I want to say, but it doesn't always come out pretty.
I'm glad you found it entertaining, and I hope you finish the story (I guess it's a novella, since it's about 15k words). I had fun writing it for a friend of mine.
I'll be sure to keep these points in mind for my main novel that I'm still writing.
https://www.webnovel.com/book/16176386306205205/The-Sadist-System
my story.
Pretty good with grammar, but take a look.
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Seshata I usually only have a tab for synonyms and the other is for a dictionary. The rest of all my opened tabs are all related to the research content that I require for each of my chapters ( they range from bird, animal, and insect species, their habitats, body structure, behavior traits). I also regularly refer docs pertaining to human psyche, geography for the city my story is based in, and climate that plays a significant role in my plot 
Basically, I'm screwed without an Internet 
Seshata There are many well-written books that havenāt been translated yet, I wish I could translate them!
For example Novoland Eagle Flag, it has been adapted as a TV series. You can check out the settinf of this world called Novoland (literally itās the land of nine continents). Thereās also a book called 天č”å„ tianxingjian by Yan Leisheng that Iām currently reading. Itās a war novel set in a different world (itās like in the past but itās actually in a distant future after our world has collapsed) and itās told by a soldier who becomes more and more skeptical about the aim of the war and the orders of his superiors. As he becomes higher in position, he finds himself at the center of political intrigues as well as power struggles, which are even more dangerous than going to battles. The plot is very realistic yet complicated, and the characters are very complex. Itās like game of thrones but with only one focalization.
Thereās another book called Nirvana in Fire. It has been adapted into a TV series too.
If you have time, do check them out!
Novoland Eagle Flag, it has been adapted as a TV series. You can check out the settinf of this world called Novoland (literally itās the land of nine continents). Thereās also a book called 天č”å„ tianxingjian by Yan Leisheng that Iām currently reading. Itās a war novel set in a different world (itās like in the past but itās actually in a distant future after our world has collapsed) and itās told by a soldier who becomes more and more skeptical about the aim of the war and the orders of his superiors. As he becomes higher in position, he finds himself at the center of political intrigues as well as power struggles, which are even more dangerous than going to battles. The plot is very realistic yet complicated, and the characters are very complex. Itās like game of thrones but with only one focalization.
Thereās another book called Nirvana in Fire. It has been adapted into a TV series too.
If you have time, do check them out!
(Sorry to post this reply two times...)
- Edited
@Seshata Please destroy mā cough, I meanāwow! What a great and comprehensive thread. Itās good to know that there are professionals here willing to offer their insights for free! What youāre doing is really wonderful. Your initiative will definitely help increase the quality of (some of) the originals on this platform! 
Seshata Not Sure if you like romance stories with twists but I would love to hear your opinion on my new novel.
https://www.webnovel.com/book/16087359006969905/Ryan-Morgan%3A-Love-Contract
Piokilek
Well, he just reviewed my WPC 99 entry, so I would guess likely so.
Sorry, I just wanted to ask if you got your PH.D, or just your masters? Obviously, I'm assuming you got your PH.D, but I can't a hundred percent be sure. I'm in a master's program for psychology and working on applying for doctorate programs.
Also, I feel your pain about grammar. I think it's one of those things that you have to try to understand, and you can't be taught. Often times, it seems people think they know grammar and try to give advice to others, meanwhile, they are commenting with absurd tense usage.
Also, I think authors should be able to take certain liberties in stores as many often do.
Anyways, just curious if you got your doctorate and where you got it.
SrtaA First off, I enjoy your title! I like that the maiden is the mischievous one, and it's the prince who has to sleep his life away. I don't know if that's what your book is actually about, but I like this subversion of gendered tropes! :)
First off, simple fix that again helps EVERYONE: in your first sentence, "Firm knocks ... made Alexa startle in anticipation" -- try to avoid "helping" verbs that dilute the power of your main action words. Startle is a great word, evokes a clear picture and emotional state. "made startle" doesn't really make sense, and your real action "startle" is lost in the rest of the sentence. "Firm knocks at the carriage door startled Alexa and Lady Cordelia." We don't know anything about them yet, so you don't need "the other maiden" here; it just muddles the opening line and slows it down. Also, I'm not positive you can "startle in anticipation." I would go with startle here, and then explain Cordelia turns toward the door in anticipation or something.
Magnus von Wutenfall is SUCH a name omg. Love it.
Alexa's personality is well-established in that first line of dialogue. And her curiosity shows through when she peers outside. Also, "A handsome face showed up." is a fabulous, funny one-liner para.
In general, some of your sentences could be pared down a bit, just to help with the flow. For ex: "peered to the outside" should be "peered outside" ; also, "Alexa's violet eyes met the Prince's golden ones immediately. What she saw was the immediate shock in those eyes." should be "...(keep the first sent)... Shock widened his leonine gaze." (or whatever.) Moral of the story, we don't need two "immediate" anythings, and we don't need "what she saw was" because clearly she saw it, you just told us her eyes met his his, and that's what eyes do.
Love the mercenary and the "honor is to be lost" line, plus the "bastard" line. Your short, pithy sentences are hilarious and great at characterization.
"Concatenate" -- Bold choice. Doesn't quite flow with the story, might be a bit too intense a vocabulary term for the genre, since it's usually used in regards to coding. Also, I had to look that up to make sure I actually knew what it meant, and I have 4 degrees. Your average reader probably doesn't know that word off the top of their head. By all means, use advanced vocab and hold high expectations for your readers, but try to limit the really difficult words to times when no other word is as good.
"Le mot juste" is a French phrase that essentially means "the perfect word." It's this idea that sometimes, authors find the absolute perfect word for a sentence or an idea, and when it comes together, it forms the most perfect sentiment. I don't think concatenate is "le mot juste" in that moment. Instead of perfectly flowing within the string of words around it, it stood out too much and hurt your flow.
Okay, General Thoughts:
Pros: Interesting historical period setting, great characterization of Alexa and Cordelia. Strong visual descriptions. Cordelia's description para was especially strong. Lovely vocabulary/diction. Some really funny lines. Great high-stakes ending for a first chapter. Solid build-up of the initial mystery--Who, or what, is Alexa? Why do people either hate or love her? Why does everyone think she may have assassinated a prince?
Great opening in terms of story!
Cons: Story-wise, the only light issue with the first chap is that the mysterious accident "two days ago" is more intriguing than the current predicament. I'd suggest including a few more details about what happened to her hands, how she saved people, who she was fighting, etc. You don't need too many or anything, but a few more details would help slake the hunger for backstory I was feeling.
Grammar-wise, few small issues. As I've already mentioned, sentence structure is sometimes a little wordier than it needs to be, or rather, ordered a bit strangely to mess up the flow. Watch your prepositions like "out" "of" etc.
For ex "watchful of the noble couple's clash of glances" is a bit awkward. Stick with "watching the noble couple's clash of glances"; "instinct of preservation" = "preservation instinct". Changes like this tighten up the language so the reader doesn't get bogged down so often.
All in all, intriguing opening and all the makings of a fascinating tale! Keep up the great work with characterization, imagery, and diction; with a few tweaks to sentence construction, you'll be all the stronger a storyteller! :)
SrtaA First off, I enjoy your title! I like that the maiden is the mischievous one, and it's the prince who has to sleep his life away. I don't know if that's what your book is actually about, but I like this subversion of gendered tropes! :)
First off, simple fix that again helps EVERYONE: in your first sentence, "Firm knocks ... made Alexa startle in anticipation" -- try to avoid "helping" verbs that dilute the power of your main action words. Startle is a great word, evokes a clear picture and emotional state. "made startle" doesn't really make sense, and your real action "startle" is lost in the rest of the sentence. "Firm knocks at the carriage door startled Alexa and Lady Cordelia." We don't know anything about them yet, so you don't need "the other maiden" here; it just muddles the opening line and slows it down. Also, I'm not positive you can "startle in anticipation." I would go with startle here, and then explain Cordelia turns toward the door in anticipation or something.
Magnus von Wutenfall is SUCH a name omg. Love it.
Alexa's personality is well-established in that first line of dialogue. And her curiosity shows through when she peers outside. Also, "A handsome face showed up." is a fabulous, funny one-liner para.
In general, some of your sentences could be pared down a bit, just to help with the flow. For ex: "peered to the outside" should be "peered outside" ; also, "Alexa's violet eyes met the Prince's golden ones immediately. What she saw was the immediate shock in those eyes." should be "...(keep the first sent)... Shock widened his leonine gaze." (or whatever.) Moral of the story, we don't need two "immediate" anythings, and we don't need "what she saw was" because clearly she saw it, you just told us her eyes met his his, and that's what eyes do.
Love the mercenary and the "honor is to be lost" line, plus the "bastard" line. Your short, pithy sentences are hilarious and great at characterization.
"Concatenate" -- Bold choice. Doesn't quite flow with the story, might be a bit too intense a vocabulary term for the genre, since it's usually used in regards to coding. Also, I had to look that up to make sure I actually knew what it meant, and I have 4 degrees. Your average reader probably doesn't know that word off the top of their head. By all means, use advanced vocab and hold high expectations for your readers, but try to limit the really difficult words to times when no other word is as good.
"Le mot juste" is a French phrase that essentially means "the perfect word." It's this idea that sometimes, authors find the absolute perfect word for a sentence or an idea, and when it comes together, it forms the most perfect sentiment. I don't think concatenate is "le mot juste" in that moment. Instead of perfectly flowing within the string of words around it, it stood out too much and hurt your flow.
Okay, General Thoughts:
Pros: Interesting historical period setting, great characterization of Alexa and Cordelia. Strong visual descriptions. Cordelia's description para was especially strong. Lovely vocabulary/diction. Some really funny lines. Great high-stakes ending for a first chapter. Solid build-up of the initial mystery--Who, or what, is Alexa? Why do people either hate or love her? Why does everyone think she may have assassinated a prince?
Great opening in terms of story!
Cons: Story-wise, the only light issue with the first chap is that the mysterious accident "two days ago" is more intriguing than the current predicament. I'd suggest including a few more details about what happened to her hands, how she saved people, who she was fighting, etc. You don't need too many or anything, but a few more details would help slake the hunger for backstory I was feeling.
Grammar-wise, few small issues. As I've already mentioned, sentence structure is sometimes a little wordier than it needs to be, or rather, ordered a bit strangely to mess up the flow. Watch your prepositions like "out" "of" etc.
For ex "watchful of the noble couple's clash of glances" is a bit awkward. Stick with "watching the noble couple's clash of glances"; "instinct of preservation" = "preservation instinct". Changes like this tighten up the language so the reader doesn't get bogged down so often.
All in all, intriguing opening and all the makings of a fascinating tale! Keep up the great work with characterization, imagery, and diction; with a few tweaks to sentence construction, you'll be all the stronger a storyteller! :)
Another good review from Sensei. I be taking notes. :smile_cat:
kazesenken I am stoked to finish it. I'll give you my thoughts via Review when I'm all done. And you're right; you do a great job conveying meaning. The "pretty" will come with practice! :)
ihateyounot Bahahaha, careful what you ask for. ;)
And thanks! I love seeing writers come into their own, and there are so many GOOD IDEAS floating around this site, I thought it would be awesome if everyone could get their stories out in the universe in a way that everyone could enjoy! I hate visual art because nothing I draw ever looks like what I'm imagining in my head. Drives me nuts. I had a feeling several authors feel that way about their stories. They have these amazing ideas, but when they try to write them down, the story doesn't flow as beautifully as it does in their minds. I'd like to help make those lofty dreams a reality. :)
Her_Shadow
Hello! Good luck with PhD applications; that's such a nightmare experience! One of my best friends spent months applying to Clinical Psych PhDs last year, so I'm all too familiar. I'll be sending you positive good-luck vibes!
And good question. I actually have an MA in English with a specialized license for English Education, and I have an MFA in Creative Writing, which is a terminal degree, so I can teach at the university level. I'll be heading back to school for a PhD fall 2021, though, which will allow me to expand my curriculum to include folklore and anthropology studies. I also have two BAs, because why not? Haha, essentially, I'm a school junkie, tbh.
Graduated from Spalding University's School of Creative and Professional Writing (highly recommend for anyone interested in an MFA! One of the best experiences of my creative career/life!) and from Harvard University.
Re: your grammar comment: AHH SO TRUE. I feel it's really easy for well-read people to know when something's wrong or off, but it's an entirely different skill set to be able to accurately explain WHAT is wrong. It requires a specialized vocabulary that's sometimes difficult to come by. It also seems like many people are savvy enough to tell when grammatical construction is off in someone else's writing, but they can't see the same faux pas in their own.
And YES YES YES! I absolutely believe all art rules were made to be broken. My fave quote regarding this is: "Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist" -attributed to Pablo Picasso. What I love about WebNovel and other platforms like Archive of Our Own is that it grants the freedom to artists to take liberties and press boundaries and experiment freely! What those artists need to do this successfully, however, is that initial grounding in the fundamentals. You can't break a rule like an artist until you know it's a rule to begin with!
Super excited to read your story, btw! A Psych master writing about sadism--HELLS YES SIGN ME UP. :)
