- Edited
Hi Tangerqueen
Overall it’s good, the cover is really nice and eye catching, nothing to complain about there. I like your choice of font and it’s clear there’s been some effort into the cover.
I’ve read three chapters and I have to say your writing style is definitely readable. It’s simple, easy to understand and the pacing is also great.
I think, as someone unfamiliar with a lot of gaming terms, you should probably put the full word instead of abbreviations the first time is used (Eg ‘guy is a something (ADC)’ then afterwards when you use the abbreviation ADC everyone knows what it means or can at least connect the dots). Even just a casual half sentence explaining the meaning would help. For gaming stories it’s best to assume readers are noobs, like, not dumb enough to not know what basic terms like DPS or tanks are, but definitely not knowledgeable about pro gaming (Worlds) and less generic terminology.
Honestly even though gaming isn’t my favorite story, it’s well written so far and I like the main character’s reaction to traveling back. The reason for going back in time (the disembodied voice) is a bit iffy- like, what does that guy get for sending him back anyway? There’s no demonic pact reason or general motive- but honestly it’s not a big deal and can be ignored lol. Overall, it is definitely different to the other high paced game stories but not in a bad way.
I think the weakest thing is your synopsis. It’s long and sort of feels like there’s two summaries at the same time. There’s various ways to cut it down but I recommend scraping parts of both and mesh the two together. Here is a quick idea of what I may have done (I just copy and pasted parts of your summary together, it’s just to give a suggestion, it’s better to edit and such yourself lol)
Nine times to Worlds. Nine times failed before Quarterfinals. One last shot before retirement.
In front of the gaping 50 million-member virtual audience, “Pentakill” Yu Pengkai slammed down his headset and strode out of the arena, leaving behind his destroyed base, his four equally-dead teammates, and his last chance at Worlds to crumble.
It was the most anticipated match in Kings of Valor history, their ticket to redemption, and of course, his team didn’t even put up a fight.
From the esteemed legendary ADC in the popular MOBA game, Kings of Valor, to the player everyone wished would just retire, he carried both the former glory and the blame of it all.
And after a final crushing defeat, he knew he had to say goodbye.
“If you could go back in time, would you end up here again?” A voice sounded in the dark.
Yu Pengkai looked up. “Is that a bet or a challenge?”
Hope that helps a bit :D