@wewee I've read a few chapters of your novel, and I just wanted to say upfront that your synopsis is amazing. The cover looks rough but simultaneously clean, and I love it. It really made me want to read your story until I actually pulled up the first chapter and had immense difficulty understanding the sentences.

Unfortunately, grammar is a big problem among new writers here, but I can't really give any advice for that other than to get grammar-checking software and practice writing A LOT. To arrive at where I am now, I've written four novels in the past, but I can assure you that everyone starts off with tons of mistakes. Just practice, and you'll get better eventually.

Now, I want to talk about the story itself. The prologue is intriguing, but I feel that it would be much more impactful if it was told from the perspective of the undead girl. Of course, this is a personal suggestion, and I don't want you to feel obligated to write your book the way that I want, considering that I'm not the author. Honestly, I feel that the prologue can be fine the way that it is, but the synopsis was described from the perspective of the undead girl, and I feel that readers would be much more drawn into the prologue if it was also from the undead girl's POV, especially since your synopsis one your best selling points. It's really just a continuity thing,.

Following the prologue, you had a couple of chapters of people talking in a school. It's the classic mysterious/tension-filled prologue that leads into a stale beginning. It's okay to start off slow, but at least make it entertaining. It might just be the grammar messing with my head, but I feel that the newly introduced characters don't make much of an impact. I suggest introducing only a couple of key characters at a time in a memorable fashion so that the reader can really let the information sink in. Flashy entrances are always the best, but that doesn't mean that a character has to run in guns blazing.

Still, your first few chapters weren't terrible and you have a really cool concept. I think that the only thing you're missing is more practice.

SpilledInk Well that was the purpose behind it Udeju. Those are necessary critics. Better to have an author critic your work rather than an angry reader spitting to your face. At least, we give more or less constructive critics rathen than "kill yourself! / this is so bad! / Wow! What a trash story / Pfff, you plagia from somewhere, etc." The lists of that kind of comment never end.

Even If I hadn't opened this thread, someone else would have done it anyway. Probably Epyonnn hahahaha

SlyHand I'll give it a read. It's short, so I can probably get a review fairly quickly. Also, I like how Gojou is your book cover lol.

SpilledInk No joke! The only criticism I can give is I enjoyed your book or I did not enjoy reading the book, I am not sure why.
But these are intense, gammer, cover, synopsis, they are covering everything

SpilledInk No joke! The only criticism I can give is I enjoyed your book or I did not enjoy reading the book, I am not sure why.
But these are intense, gammer, cover, synopsis, they are covering everything

Dark_Scholars
You got some point but it wouldn't help the author about where he or she needed to improve...

Dark_Scholars
You got some point but it wouldn't help the author about where he or she needed to improve...

Epyonnn Thanks :D Really appreciate it. And yeah, Gojo is awesome :D

@SlyHand I finished reading what you have so far. The grammar is good, so I had an easy time following the story. Just make sure to proofread your novel at least twice, since there were a lot of places where you forgot punctuation, especially after dialogue. Another thing I wanted to mention is the prose. Try not to use "very" too much, since it's a dead word (one of my college professors used that term to describe those types of words). Essentially, "very" is often an unnecessary adverb/adjective that can be cut out without changing the sentence too much.

Now, on to my critique of your story:

The prologue was intriguing, and it did a good job of setting up the world. By writing it in a diary format, you managed to deliver exposition while tying it to a character's personal experience. I personally hope that we get to see this person again, and they're not just a throw-away character. I also wanted to point out that the character's voice was well-written, though I assume you just wrote the same way that you personally speak, and that's fine. The issue comes later on in the chapter when there's a 10-year time jump. The character continues to speak in the same exact way, but people can change A LOT in a decade. Consider changing up the syntax a bit, maybe making the character speak more formally or make them sound more mature. Other than that, it's a good prologue.

As for the next few chapters, they're pretty good as well. You introduced the main characters in a unique way, especially Jack. In the short time that Jack, Kana, and Lee interact, I can already feel them getting fleshed out. I would also like to commend how Kana and Jack use magic in a seemingly everyday situation, which gives slight hints about what magic can do while also keeping a fantastical tone. You even described the side characters in such a vivid fashion that I had no problem visualizing them. Overall, great character work. Keep it up.

For the plot, I can't really say too much since there are only four chapters. Personally, it would have been more exciting if the Monster Hunt happened a bit earlier, but I guess I'm just an impatient guy. I can see that you wanted to take the time to develop the main cast first, but there's a little bit missing when it comes to the Monster Hunt. Through exposition, you describe it as a huge event, but if nothing that ties it to the main characters, it won't feel huge to me, as the reader. Kana and Lee are just doing it because it's required (correct me if I'm wrong on this one since I haven't gotten the full context of the characters' personal lives yet).

I'll give a few suggestions for how to increase the reader's anticipation for the upcoming Monster Hunt.

1) What if Kana or Lee needs the fame from the Hunt so that they can make money to support a family member? This one's a bit cliche, but it still works well.

2) What if Kana is a crazed combat maniac who's addicted to hunting monsters?
Passionate characters are almost always compelling. For example, Ladd Russo from Baccano! is a psychopathic murderer, but he's so passionate about it that he's always an entertaining character on screen (if you haven't seen Baccano!, Ladd kills people all the time, and he has tons of fun doing so). Disclaimer: I don't condone murder.

3) What if Jack really wants to go on the Hunt to get famous, but his sister wants to stop him for his own safety? That creates an initial conflict and is more compelling than a character who doesn't want to participate in the hunt because he doesn't have to.

Those three suggestions are just a few out of dozens of possibilities. Your work is still in its early stages, so you have a lot of room to work with ideas. I don't want to write your characters for you, and I only gave those earlier suggestions to help you brainstorm.

Overall, your novel is great so far, and it has great potential.

Yulainei I'll give yours a read probably tomorrow. But I have a few questions about the synopsis:

"...a young boy with average talents with his pathway was already set to be ordinary."

This sentence is hard to follow. Maybe rewrite it as, "...a young boy average talents, and whose pathway was already set to be ordinary."

"From that moment onwards, he turns from a fish into a dragon."

Is this a metaphor? It's a bit confusing to discern in a synopsis. Generally, you want to keep your synopsis as straightforward as possible, without using too many figures of speech.

Epyonnn i see... Thanks Epyonnn

Epyonnn Wow, thanks a lot for the detailed feedback!

I agree with you that it might be a bit weird that after the 10 years gap. The idea crossed my mind but I went against it, thinking that the context of using the diary is mostly for the man to throw his frustration. I hope it was alright though :)

And btw, I'm really surprised that you actually got part of the plot correct haha. It wasn't exactly the same as you mentioned but it was very close :D Does that mean I'm a fan of cliches? :O

May I have the link to your novel? It is a review swap and I'd like to thank you for the feedback :D

Donniedrako15_ no problem, I’m just happy to have helped

Edel_Li I can do yours if you like. I read the synopsis, and it looks promising. What I can do is read the first three chapters, leave comments when/if I find errors, then leave a full review on here. If you like the review, I can post it to your book. Would you be interested? I’ve done a couple on here already, so if you scroll up, you can see examples of what I’ll do. Reply to this if it is acceptable to you