Dark_Scholars
You got some point but it wouldn't help the author about where he or she needed to improve...

Dark_Scholars
You got some point but it wouldn't help the author about where he or she needed to improve...

Epyonnn Thanks :D Really appreciate it. And yeah, Gojo is awesome :D

Sara_Wilcox Thank you I'll try and make changes like that fast.

@SlyHand I finished reading what you have so far. The grammar is good, so I had an easy time following the story. Just make sure to proofread your novel at least twice, since there were a lot of places where you forgot punctuation, especially after dialogue. Another thing I wanted to mention is the prose. Try not to use "very" too much, since it's a dead word (one of my college professors used that term to describe those types of words). Essentially, "very" is often an unnecessary adverb/adjective that can be cut out without changing the sentence too much.

Now, on to my critique of your story:

The prologue was intriguing, and it did a good job of setting up the world. By writing it in a diary format, you managed to deliver exposition while tying it to a character's personal experience. I personally hope that we get to see this person again, and they're not just a throw-away character. I also wanted to point out that the character's voice was well-written, though I assume you just wrote the same way that you personally speak, and that's fine. The issue comes later on in the chapter when there's a 10-year time jump. The character continues to speak in the same exact way, but people can change A LOT in a decade. Consider changing up the syntax a bit, maybe making the character speak more formally or make them sound more mature. Other than that, it's a good prologue.

As for the next few chapters, they're pretty good as well. You introduced the main characters in a unique way, especially Jack. In the short time that Jack, Kana, and Lee interact, I can already feel them getting fleshed out. I would also like to commend how Kana and Jack use magic in a seemingly everyday situation, which gives slight hints about what magic can do while also keeping a fantastical tone. You even described the side characters in such a vivid fashion that I had no problem visualizing them. Overall, great character work. Keep it up.

For the plot, I can't really say too much since there are only four chapters. Personally, it would have been more exciting if the Monster Hunt happened a bit earlier, but I guess I'm just an impatient guy. I can see that you wanted to take the time to develop the main cast first, but there's a little bit missing when it comes to the Monster Hunt. Through exposition, you describe it as a huge event, but if nothing that ties it to the main characters, it won't feel huge to me, as the reader. Kana and Lee are just doing it because it's required (correct me if I'm wrong on this one since I haven't gotten the full context of the characters' personal lives yet).

I'll give a few suggestions for how to increase the reader's anticipation for the upcoming Monster Hunt.

1) What if Kana or Lee needs the fame from the Hunt so that they can make money to support a family member? This one's a bit cliche, but it still works well.

2) What if Kana is a crazed combat maniac who's addicted to hunting monsters?
Passionate characters are almost always compelling. For example, Ladd Russo from Baccano! is a psychopathic murderer, but he's so passionate about it that he's always an entertaining character on screen (if you haven't seen Baccano!, Ladd kills people all the time, and he has tons of fun doing so). Disclaimer: I don't condone murder.

3) What if Jack really wants to go on the Hunt to get famous, but his sister wants to stop him for his own safety? That creates an initial conflict and is more compelling than a character who doesn't want to participate in the hunt because he doesn't have to.

Those three suggestions are just a few out of dozens of possibilities. Your work is still in its early stages, so you have a lot of room to work with ideas. I don't want to write your characters for you, and I only gave those earlier suggestions to help you brainstorm.

Overall, your novel is great so far, and it has great potential.

Yulainei I'll give yours a read probably tomorrow. But I have a few questions about the synopsis:

"...a young boy with average talents with his pathway was already set to be ordinary."

This sentence is hard to follow. Maybe rewrite it as, "...a young boy average talents, and whose pathway was already set to be ordinary."

"From that moment onwards, he turns from a fish into a dragon."

Is this a metaphor? It's a bit confusing to discern in a synopsis. Generally, you want to keep your synopsis as straightforward as possible, without using too many figures of speech.

Epyonnn i see... Thanks Epyonnn

Epyonnn Wow, thanks a lot for the detailed feedback!

I agree with you that it might be a bit weird that after the 10 years gap. The idea crossed my mind but I went against it, thinking that the context of using the diary is mostly for the man to throw his frustration. I hope it was alright though :)

And btw, I'm really surprised that you actually got part of the plot correct haha. It wasn't exactly the same as you mentioned but it was very close :D Does that mean I'm a fan of cliches? :O

May I have the link to your novel? It is a review swap and I'd like to thank you for the feedback :D

Edel_Li I can do yours if you like. I read the synopsis, and it looks promising. What I can do is read the first three chapters, leave comments when/if I find errors, then leave a full review on here. If you like the review, I can post it to your book. Would you be interested? I’ve done a couple on here already, so if you scroll up, you can see examples of what I’ll do. Reply to this if it is acceptable to you

Sara_Wilcox Oh dear, I would appreciate that! ;)
Please don't go easy on me and do not worry about me! I already know my looong traditional paragraphs will hurt you... xD

I can look at your story if you would like? Just bear in mind that I'm not a native English speaking person, but I'll do my best if you want to!

Thanks!

Epyonnn Thank you so much for pointing out. I didn't proofread my chapters. I'll change it.

SlyHand I'm glad I could help. Here's my link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/non-player-character_20219961506365305

Hello! I come from the other post ( I read @Yoan_Roturier's 1/2 review ) and I'm willing to review another's if you @ me o(￣▽￣)ブ I have only 7 chapters atm.

Title:

True Half

Genre: Fantasy Romance
Synopsis:
"This life and the next, I will love you for eternity."

Would you recognize your True Half?

In the World of Syre, there is an evil game played amongst four kingdoms. Every 30 years, chosen nobles and royalty are gifted with the memory of their past life and an invitation to the game by the Mercy of God. The rules are simple: find your soulmate at all costs.

If you lose, you and your family are cursed to die within the next 12 months. If you win, you are gifted with the highest social class's prosperity and wealth for the rest of your life. There is too much at stake and too much to lose.

What happens when Mira, a lowly peasant girl, receives the invitation to the game? Her journey started only as a quest to save her brother until she discovers that her True Half might instead be the cold-hearted Crown Prince, the playful Duke heir, or the mysterious noble Xith. Twists and turns at every end, this True Half game is unpredictable yet addictive.

She swore on no romance in her past life, and she doesn’t exactly remember her True Half. Find out how Mira, an extraordinary spy turned farmer orphan, finds love and divine secrets in the maze of royal palaces.

Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/true-half_19728092005066305
Cover Picture:

(btw if anyone is wondering how to post cover images on the forum, do  )
^no space btwn .jpg and )

Edel_Li sure I appreciate all feedback And don’t worry about privilege unless you like my book. Coins are expensive

I drew a new cover for my book. Can I get some feedback on it?