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Zhoa_Fei your novel already looks better than some of the novels I read in my hundreds of reviews. Suggestion: [org:] "Word word word?". He said. -> should be [edit:] "Word word word?" He said. Extra period is unnecessary. I notice you do this a bit. Punctuation after quotes is not needed.

Zhoa_Fei Alright so one thing I noticed is the lack of action in the beginning. You got to make your novel more fast paced, but the writing is decent. Let me know if you want an honest review or a "5 stars yada yada" review. @Zhoa_Fei

DragonImmortal I don't see a review from you so I don't know if you dropped mine. I can try reading yours, but again, if you want me to review, please reply HERE and either tell me, eh, you didn't want to review it cause you think my novel sucks, or whatever, and I'll still review yours. @DragonImmortal

(I cut out some scenes, because I feel like they didn't add too much, and would make the reader read too much). Beneath a sky shimmering with stars, my father and I were captivated by one celestial body, a star of extraordinary brilliance, positioned directly above our humble dwelling.

"Wow!" My father is very amazed at such a sight.

I ask if it is that rare or amazing to see such a star among the others.

"Indeed, it is a rarity! I've never seen such a radiant star. It's a first, even for me," he confessed.

Well, the star shined so brightly, it almost felt as though daylight had claimed the star-studded sky, casting a heavenly glow over our home.

"Could it be that God is giving us a reward for our good deeds?" My father pondered aloud. "Being a good person is pretty hard nowadays, after all!" His tone wasn't one of questioning, but rather an invitation for me to acknowledge this statement.

It doesn't even feel like he is just asking, more like he is waiting for me to agree with the idea. I sigh.

I will not stop him from believing that; he really does look happy after all.

Our peaceful stargazing was interrupted by an unexpected knock at the door, startling me out of tranquility and into alertness. Well, it's to be expected considering you fully enjoy a scenery that really is relaxing, leaving worries aside, and giving no or less care to the world. It's like you gave your guard up to the scene, unaware of whatever happened in your surroundings.

As I gazed skywards, contemplating the future, I lost track of time. Suddenly, it dawned on me that my father was missing. I was about to investigate when my bracelet chimed, my father's frantic voice issuing from it.

"Take your sister and run. Now!"

I ran to see what was going on. I open the door leading to the ground floor and... Before I could process his cryptic instructions, my baby sister was catapulted towards me. Instinctively, I caught her, my gaze landing on a cloaked figure wielding a knife bathed in sinister red light.

"What is going on?" I gasped, icy fear gripping my heart.

The man was holding a weapon... It didn't seem natural. Suddenly, I had questions for every possible outcome: What is that thing? Who is that person? Is it here to harm us?

In just a short second, we were encased in a sphere of glowing blue light, acting as a shield and propelling us out of our home. Paralyzed with fear, I reached out my hand slowly, hoping I could grab my parents out there.

As the blue sphere carried us further away, I thought of the situation. It left me speechless. I couldn't move an inch. I struggled with a surge of helpless guilt, leaving my parents behind while they bravely fought off an overwhelming adversary. What will I do? I really want to help. I do... but... Will I only become a hindrance if I do?

Dealing with this in my mind, I see that I am moving further away from them, unable to get out of the sphere of light that was carrying us.

No way...

Then, looking over them from afar, with the thought that I might never see them again, I called to them in a very loud voice.

"Father!!! Mother!!! Where are we going? What are we going to do?

What are you two still doing there? Don't fight!!! Run!!!

"Run, Azroths! Save yourself and your sister!"

My family is a well-skilled hunting family. We were the ones who protected the kingdom, but hearing their voices as they struggle to handle a single person makes me understand how serious the situation is.

Just as I dared to believe we were out of danger, a scorching red light shattered our protective sphere, the sheer force sending us sprawling into the forest. My heart sank as I accepted the unthinkable - my parents were gone.

I clung to my sister, tears streaking my face, and waited for the nightmare to end.

Yeah.. I can still feel the guilt of leaving them behind while I am being put to safety. But this is the right thing to do. The sounds I hear as the side walls of the house are torn apart by the mere passing of the slashes as their weapons make contact. It wasn't something we could handle. We needed to run.

Knowing all they were doing... fighting to buy us time so we can escape, I rushed and flew away from them using the equipment my father put on my sister's clothes.

Hearing this, I cant stop myself but look back, and upon turning my head, blood showed up in front of my face with a little smart feeling on my cheek. It's only at that moment that I realize the house has been cut in half along with the ground, and the sphere shield enclosing us has been shattered into the air by a red light that has reached our distance.

Seriously? That attack still got this far. Needless to say, that remnant light just slightly made contact with the shield. And it shattered it?

No way.. Can they even run from that person?

Seeing that, I frowned as I fell down into the woods, thinking about how unlucky we are.

Ahh... This feeling is news to me. It appears I will accept the death of my parents even though I just heard their voices from my wrist.

But it was no nightmare. I awoke, my body numb and my eyes wet with tears from a dream that had been tormenting me for five long years.

"That again, huh?"

After this, as usual, I go to the adventurers guild and look for a job to help the people. Although it has been 5 years, it is still clear to me what feelings I had at the time. My days were spent as an adventurer, helping townsfolk rather than venturing into treacherous dungeons. This work distracted me from my loneliness, but the memories of my family and the life we once shared were still painfully vivid.

In the woods, where the new job takes place, I encounter a strong beast that is supposed to be in the dungeon.

What in the world is this thing doing here? I ask myself, knowing it wouldn't even scratch me. When I pulled out my sword, the air pressure followed upward, covering the whole area in dust.

As the smoke passes away, over there... is a beast vertically cut into half, along with the gigantic trees surrounding it.

"Well, my job is done. This should be more than enough."

I walk towards the requester, humming my favourite music, as I see a man from the church talking about the end of the world. I pass by as my eyes keep on looking at the man while my head and body go straight to the town.

I got my reward money and went to the guild to have a chat with the other adventurers while drinking alcohol. It really is much more fun to stay in a place that is free from violence and such.

I was walking on the street, heading to my apartment, when I saw a guy in a red cloak waiting outside. They approach me, handing me an envelope, saying... Good evening, adventurer. You are invited to a certain place.

"Invitation?"

This unexpected occurrence sparked a glimmer of curiosity in me.

I look down at the envelope with an empty expression on my face because I can't understand why I received an invitation. I recall nothing about anything that happened today or yesterday.

Well, it will not be so bad if I read this letter, as long as it is not a bomb. After all, I have been talking with the people in the town and with my clients considerately and joyfully for a while now. More likely a manifestation of gratitude, hehe.

After entering my apartment, cooking something, and eating, I dive into bed satisfied for the day.

I have this happy face, remembering the things I and everyone else have done, when suddenly I remember how my family keeps going to town, helping people relieve stress from their stressful day. A dark feeling suddenly overcomes me as I realize that it will never happen again. There is "no one" in the town who resembles how my family acts.

Later that night, the tranquility of my apartment was disrupted by the envelope's contents. It was an invitation to discover something magical. A spark of hope ignited in me; could this magic provide the power I sought to change my past?

As I read for more detail, it really did pique my interest, for somehow, I used to be looking for such things, hoping they existed.

Yeah! There are things you can only do when you have extraordinary power!

I then give myself a free fall into bed and go to sleep excited for the next day that is coming to me with this unknown phenomenon. Magic that is... (this edit isn’t perfect, I would probably stick to more present tenses, rather than flip flopping)

AuHNG Of course! I’ll start reading once I’m free as I had said before (within the next hour or so)… I’ll let you know once I’ve left the feedback ^^

AuHNG I read the first five chapters + the prologue, and your writing style stuck out to me. It was rather unique but somewhat difficult to read as it was a bit rough around the edges.

I like how you described the characters + set the atmosphere through your writing, but some parts could’ve been further elaborated.

The change in POV was rather confusing at times, and the overall clarity of certain paragraphs/chapters was difficult to read. For example, you often shift from “you” and “he” with little to no explanation in-between, leaving the reader to pick up on some parts themselves.

The prologue chapters also felt somewhat bare, but I feel like your writing style got better as the story progressed. At the start, I couldn’t really connect with the characters, and some parts felt a tad bit generic. For example, the betrayal, the friend & girlfriend- it felt somewhat dry like it was being skipped over.

There were also a couple of grammatical and capitalization errors every couple paragraphs.

All in all, I love the idea of your novel, and how you're executing it (but, it’s a tad bit rough around the edges). Still, keep it up!

Now, here’s the link to my novel once again: https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/26147833805198705?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4318679159

eudine it seems generic because it’s satire. I put many tropes of the genre. Also I don’t have many grammatical mistakes… the ones that I do have are more stylistic, rather than accidental, such as using and or but in the beginning of a character, using sentence fragments for dramatic effect, etc.

I’m surprised you mostly chose to critique my writing since I did have actual writers on writer discords re-read my work, and they said my writing follows good conventions for American English. These elements: Zhen Ni -> held his hand if it was lucky, a best friend slightly weaker than he was, his mom telling him, that she loves story fry as she dies… (the chapter being called, the hobo gives me a disease ) is all really obvious satire. Now pov shifts, most of the pov shifts I have aren’t true pov Shifts, unless I have transitions in between. For example, when Li Ming asks why, and the answers receives are I, I, I, but that’s not a pov shift. It’s just a stylistic convention of writing dialogue without using quotes. Or the fact, that I introduce Li Ming as: HIs name is Boring, but we call him Li Ming (paraphrased).

eudine In your writing, one recurring aspect that stands out is the excessive use of vivid descriptors. While your work displays promise (and a good premise), certain sections would greatly benefit from toning down phrases like "cerise-red" and "cobalt-black." It is essential to consider that even though you possess a profound understanding of your novel, such elaborate descriptors can be overwhelming for readers to process in one sitting. Striking a balance between evocative language and simplicity would enhance the overall readability and engagement of your narrative. It’s okay to use cobalt-black/cerise-red, but it is perfectly fine to just use black or red, or write white, instead of ivory (although ivory in the following section does work better). Oh and I just realized, English isn’t your first language! Perhaps that’s why you have difficulty understanding/interpreting satire and differentiating tone in my writing. I also noticed that non-native speakers tend to focus English with a more “by-the-books” way of writing, which is good, but even we don’t do that. We have so many colloquial ways of writing and speaking: a lot of our grammar rules, at least in English exist to be broken (so long as the sentence makes sense). So, for example, we sometimes say, a couple dogs, even though grammatically correct would be: a couple of dogs. (Typing on phone causes me to have typos/weird autocorrects) Also native speakers tend to have more of a grasp on what words are conventionally used, as I do see you using words that can be a bit difficult to understand… for the casual reader. I spent a lot of time writing, which is why your writing reads “easy” to me, but other readers may not feel the same.

AuHNG Hi! I’ve read both of your replies, and I’m sure those factors you used would work great for an actual book or a comic, but it seemed rather messy when paired all together. The overall tone appeared to be comedic, but the usage of “your” for pov was what set me off in the first chapter. For the same thing you said about my writing being difficult to read but only working out since you write frequently- it’s my personal opinion- but as I’ve said before, it seemed more like something I’d see in an actual book or a comic book. Back to what you said about my elaborate descriptions and choice of words, I’ll take that into account for future chapters. But as for your comments about being a native and non-native speaker whatnot, I had read + typed that up at midnight so I do admit that I hadn’t noticed it was satire at first, my bad. As for my fancy usage of vocabulary and writing style, it is the same thing you are doing with your writing—voice. I felt that using a casual tone would be rather ill-fitting towards the setting, hence it may have appeared as you called it, “by-the-books.”

eudine

That is the only major pov switch in the novel so far. The usage of your… is a dream sequence, so it’s meant to be disjoint. You’ll see thrillers do this often. I didn’t use comic books as my inspiration, rather actual novels.

Edit: I got this amazing thriller writer to read my first chapter, and she loves it, but it is very unconventional so I totally understand why you think the way you do. Again, keep in mind, I don’t write like this the entire novel.

eudine

You can write fancy and good, but also keep in mind which words you’re using. My advice is to learn which words are more commonly used and which words are less commonly used so that it doesn’t hinder what you want to convey. It’s all about dynamics. If you have a difficult, descriptive sentence, switch it up.

Edit: also, I love how you reviewed my novel with a 2.8/5. Ouch. I’ll be nicer in my review tho.