DeJeL
Ch 1
"My mom, Sandy (age 36), and dad, Darron (age 45), are in the master bedroom" Maybe put their occupations instead? Just feels a bit more naturally then talking about one's parents ages. I don't think that normally comes up in conversation.
"skipping on cleaning my room (even though my mom would usually say that it's not 'that' messy)" If it is not messy according to your mum why do you have to clean it?
Daw-son Punny XD
"I walk towards the kitchen and hear sizzling sounds. "Good Morning mom," I say. My mom replies "Morning Dawson, can you please get Sue outta' my hair, I'm trying to cook here." Ect ect" I suggest breaking this paragraph into one line per person speaking. I will be less confusing for the reader.
"Sally almost always listens to me, even if it is something she knows she shouldn't do. " Like what throw dirt on the neighbour's lawn? What is the MC making sally do? And if your MC is making her do bad things why would they change the status quo?
"When I arrive in the dining room I say" Ect ect Paragraph is very long, try breaking it up a little. Eyes need a break! actually, a lot of the paragraphs are long, try to cut them down a little!
hmm I am surprised the father and son pair believe such a story. I would at least be a tad sceptical.
He introduces his name twice. One at the start and once when he rides his bicycle I recommend removing one or the other.
"I just saved you from dying by bus" try rephrasing it sounds a little strange. maybe " By a bus?" or " vehicular manslaughter?"
Hmm all over I am not convinced that the cousin and the MC would just choose to swap worlds there is no reason to. Nice family nice life ect plus the family dynamic seems great. So I find it strange that the MC didn't even think twice. Not to mention the tragic backstory for the mother. How would she feel about losing her lover then her child?
Ch 2
I am not sure a teenager would call their gf their beloved. Especially in a modern sounding book to a stranger. Maybe Girlfriend or Cousin?
"What did he say his name was, " Needs a ?
How can a guard question Shitsuren or the king for that matter? Back in the old days that was a punishable offence.
There is a lot of information which would bewilder most people in this chapter. The response of the MC is pretty calm. New world, a new father, new life, Cousin saying yes to going. I would like more info on what the MC is feeling. It's sorta all being explained like someone reading a take-out menu. What does the new world smell like, what does it look like, what are the expressions on the characters faces? Use the 5 senses to explain more of what the MC sees.
Kings can't really go out much, is there someone handling his paperwork? Or is he a lazy king?
Do the shopkeepers know the king, why are the subjects not frightened or in awe? I am also sure they would be surprised the king has a random heir.
hmm I am not sure why there is the cousin's 1st point of view. Is she just saying this stuff to make the MC look better? I am not sure if that section is needed.
There is a lot of information in this chapter, soo much is happening at once. maybe try breaking this chapter into two chapters. One for getting new clothes and sightseeing the next for learning magic.
Chapter 3
How did an outsider become a king of a nation? This is sorta skimped over.
There is once again a lot in this chapter your pacing is super fast!
He is naturally calling the king father. How does he know this all isnt made up as a trap, why doesn't he even question it. It seems like all these meat pies ( good things) are falling out of the sky for no reason. Its a hard pill to swallow.
common bad roomers should be rumours. Although I am not sure you have to go so in-depth as to what Stereotypical is and means. Freedom the character might not know but the readers do.
I feel like when I read Carmen's parts the only thing that exists about her character is that she is in love with the MC. Does she have hobbies or something? Especially since she seems like a Female Lead she needs her own identity and not just living through the MC.
Ch 4
What Era or year is this based in? A man and women unwed in the old days holding hands would be considered scandalous. Are there new rules they have to follow?
Woah a woman gets raped just to make the MC look better.. uhh I would prob rewrite this part.
Another meat pie ( guard) The MC is getting too many treats he needs to go on a diet.
I'm going to try something new here, I'm going to simply write what is said along with who said it in this format: "HI" (Father), and so on, it is too time-consuming and annoying to keep saying over and over again 'he said she responded with' and the like. << this needs to be removed or added in a way where it doesnt look like a part of the story. It is confusing.
Ch 5
Didn't it already get leaked about a new son cause the king mentioned it to the shop keeper?
This chapters paragraphs seem much better Looks like you are breaking them up better! GG
[Author Note: Sorry, this hurt me to write, too much emphasis on the dress Carmen, please stop this. I write how the character thinks, even when it annoys me, so please don't fault me.] If she thinks that way why apologies?
Quite a few point of views here I am having trouble keeping up.
The spelleth wast aim'd at me. T hath passed right through the barri'r liketh yond barri'r didn't existeth. << maybe swap back to regular English. this way of talking sort of comes out of nowhere.
Why are all the women in your story getting hurt for plot? grumbles Abandoned ( mum) Raped ( random women) Spell hit ( new random women)
I think I have given you a tonne of feedback. The idea is great I think you need to practice getting the words out a little more however. I can see great things in the future keep writing. Also I highly recommend watching some dramas to do with the time period you are going for. Subtle moves and gestures with how people interact with each other can really add depth to a story.
