Broughtwaorld2

StoryLink

Brutal Mode Engaged
Starting a story is easy! Just drown the reader in so much info dumping and exposition that they can’t possibly escape! Once the reader is stuck, then trap them in a series of MC weak to strong building activities and ass-kicking of paper-thin arrogant masters. They will never escape then and will be forced to read the rest of your story.
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Originality - 0/5 - It's a cultivation novel. No, wait! It's a System novel. Why not throw in naruto fanfic while you're at it? Oh LOL he was watching Naruto! Close enough. Wait, wait. Let me guess, the MC's cultivation system will be based on Dragon Ball? That will be the trifecta of Webnovel fads. Please ascend.
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Story - 2/5 There is a story. There is. This is not a paper on a system cultivator, is it? Am I reading one endless monologue? I am sure this story would be great if I could get past this wall of text hiding Mount Tai.
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Characters - 1/5 The characters speak to me. Literally. The MC rarely speaks to someone else, unless its a cardboard cut out cliche. Parent, Grandpa. Quite literally named Grandpa trope so the author doesn't have to show anything about him to the reader #shortcut #efficientwriting. The reader will know from all the other copy and paste novels who use Grandpa. Teacher - angry and hates MC. Why? Who cares we need people in authority to be irredeemable illogical antagonists so the hero MC can make them look like fools in a few chapters.
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Flow - 5/5 The flow is excellent. I enjoyed reading this exposition. The Authors note explaining the yet to be introduced system was perfect. Why let the story show the system? That would waste time. Just tell the reader and yeah Authors note works perfectly. BTW - When does the storytelling start?

      Skully_ Don't know the story, misclicked on this thread, now I am convinced to never read that story, which I would never would have clicked on anyway, since the name sucks balls.

      Thanks for the review.

          Skully_
          I can't wait! Go brutal mode! I've come to love your brutal reviews haha!

              Skully_ Thanks for such a beautiful review ....but i feel like someone hate banged me. Just kidding.

              So to summarise —
              I have to bring a piece of new way of cultivation, create a different but innovative motive for our mc, make mc more interactive while bringing his parents and grandparents into life.

              I just want to ask that '5/5' on flow was not sarcasm was it? If not, can you explain me it in simple way....sorry my english isn't that great.

              But thanks, i have started to review my next chapters and started to change it accordingly.

                Skully_ Thanks for such a beautiful review ....but i feel like someone hate banged me. Just kidding.

                So to summarise —
                I have to bring a piece of new way of cultivation, create a different but innovative motive for our mc, make mc more interactive while bringing his parents and grandparents into life.

                I just want to ask that '5/5' on flow was not sarcasm was it? If not, can you explain me it in simple way....sorry my english isn't that great.

                But thanks, i have started to review my next chapters and started to change it accordingly.

                    Broughtwaorld2

                    The flow is fine. It means I can read and understand your words. I could summarise what I think you need to improve down to two items.

                    1) Show don't tell
                    It doesn't have to be all the time. But you primarily tell with very little show. Especially in the first 10 chapters. After that it does improve.

                    2) Do not introduce a character without working out who they are. If you need them for a plot device, it has to be logical.
                    What do they look like. What are their goals and motivations. What are their personality traits.
                    The story falls into the trap of too many trope and paper-thin characters.

                        Ierrech Hope to learn from there since it's also my first attempt to write

                            Skully_ rofl. That was kind of priceless. Almost makes me want to check it out, just to see if it's that bad. My cipher and interpolation levels are probably at an acceptable level. But...

                                SnoozySloth
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                                Burtal Mode Engaged at sadistic Authors request
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                                "squeak squeak A series of squeaking sounds echoed in a brightly lit hallway. The hallway was made up of white tiles and walls. "
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                                WTF the hallway has walls? Who wudda thunk it? And whats with sounds in asterisks? Can't you just write "a series of squeaking" oh wait you did. This was a good start to a trash novel which was terribly ruined as outlined below.

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                                This story is a poor attempt at a trash novel. It tries, it really does. The info-dumping is subpar it needs way more walls of text telling the reader what is happening, there is far too much showing. The descriptors are not up to the standards of a trash novel. The MC acts logically even when pulling off a comedic outlook of being transported to another world with a system. This brings us to originality
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                                Originality - 0/5 oh fuck me it's a system novel. Wait. Uniforms which disguise the MC from “catch me if you can”. Hmm, despite being used in two Mangas as a superpower that has to lift it off 0/5 doesn’t it? Nah fuckit. 0/5.
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                                Story - 5/5 this is where the author fucks it right up. They had the opportunity to be a trash novel but the story is too engaging. To qualify as webnovel contracted trash your MC needs to be inconsistent and illogical. They also need to do stupid fucking things because the author is too dumb to think of a better course of action. The world needs to be paper thin and you need much much more wish fulfilment. Try again. Go and find a top trash novel and use Crtl-C and Crtl-V change the names. Voila.
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                                Lol lol character gets in trouble. Magic plot device truth potion out of trouble. The character cannot speak local languages struggles for one chapter. System - here you go fucker. You can now speak every language no need to struggle.
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                                Character - 5/5 Ah shit I have to read more so I can find another character other than the MC. I am sooo lazy that this is a chore. Shit Beardy face doesn’t speak intelligibly keep reading. Oh. Great. Cliché woman in authority. She’s an angel and perfect in every way and the MC is not smitten at all. Ok, let's keep reading I bet your balls Lumi falls for him for no reason in a chapter. WTF chapter 4 and she still doesn’t trust someone she just met with the strangest story she has ever heard? And you call this a trash novel? FAIL.
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                                Flow - 4/5 The Flow is excellent. Another FAIL for trash novel I didn’t have to reread anything to decipher your bullshit. I take one point off for over use of names. James did this. James did that. James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, I FUCKING GET HIS NAME IS JAMES!!!!!!!
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                                Suggestion: give up. you suck at writing trash novels.

                                    Skully_
                                    Thanks Skully! I love the review! I think I just won the brutal review rewards lol. I was expecting worse things to come my way. I'm guessing/hoping you liked the novel since you read all the way to chapter 25 =p.
                                    I've added Daedalus to my reading list and will read/review it when I have time=p

                                        SnoozySloth

                                        Nah I cheated. You click on the last chapter and then click review at the bottom of the page.... Makes it look like you put in effort.

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