Feedback for WPC #50 Participants
Xapkiel
Okay here's a quick review.
For the synopsis. Here's the advice I give most new people: Be straightforward. Don't include mysterious and whimsical phrases to get people curious. Because I'm not, I find those mostly boring. Your best bet is to include the following information:
- What's your setting?
- Who's the protagonist? What does he want? (Your guy seems to be an angel who cannot enter heaven or something. Why not put it in the synopsis? Don't you think that will make people curious?)
- Who's the antagonist. What are the obstacles that stops the protagonist from getting what he wants?
- Some interesting stuff to make reader want to read more.
Onto the chapters
There are some spelling/grammar errors but nothing too offensive.
Chapter 1:
- Chapter title: Anatithenai Primus (The Cursed Ruler). What does this even mean? A title? A spell? A person? You don't introduce or explain anything about it in the chapter, why put it as chapter title?
- I just skimmed the first 2/3 because nothing interesting happens. Just two characters I don't yet know and care about awkwardly half-flirting (are they flirting?).
- The last 1/3 seems to signal something interesting. Ooh, they're angels. Some sort of undercover superhero. Nice! Let's see what they do...
Chapter 2:
"Looks like we earned a new trust from a human."
...
They have caught three men harassing a lady in an alley this time. They actually save hundreds humans, not because they have the power to help but because it is their duty.
Seriously? You promise action in the first chapter, and skipped right to the aftermath! Poof! Done! They've saved the day! Now here's an action report! Please, don't do this.
To grab reader's attention, you should describe the incident. Showcase their powers, personalities, etc. Don't just tell reader things like this: Angels have their ability to turn invisible and perceptible in the eyes of a mortal. etc etc. Why not use the fight to demonstrate that?
Gaining a trust from a human though the latter thought they are only an ordinary mortal, well almost, spiritual energy conversion will still take effect.
Trust from a mortal is equally means to a Spiritual Energy coming from the Heart of Eden. This is what they need to keep them alive in a mortal world, as for the Blessed Sphere of Angelos.
Wait how did they gain her trust? They just beat the crap out of the muggers and left. How did the heaven know she trusted them?
Also, this trust thing seems to be some energy for angel. You should describe the effect when they feed on that energy, to show readers that they need people's trust to survive. Show, don't tell.
Next
"Angels. Many people believed our existence but not all. People heed their thanks and wishes to God and as His servants, we indeed fulfill their wishes. God created us and gave us power and freedom. He gave us our own Blessed Sphere to become our home. But not me. I am an irregular from the race of Angeloids. I am an angel but cannot enter the realm of Angelos and Heaven itself. This is my curse. Unknown to all.
Me. I am Stevhen. Hoping someone will lift up my curse."
Are we reading his diary? Is he talking to someone? If you can't find another way to give this info to the reader, just use third person narration, don't use internal monologue.
He curved his lips even more revealing his irresistible cute face with his long eyelashes and soft plump pink lips
... a hot and handsome guy ...
He was really hot that his messed up hair gave her an abnormal heart attack
This is another sign of telling and not showing. Try to describe people without using subjective words like cute, hot, handsome, beautiful, etc to guide reader's opinion. Let readers decide for themselves if he's attractive.
The last half.
Aaaand... we're back to the flirting. Or more precisely, female-on-male violence because he mentions her weight.
This is a very, very old cliche and is very difficult to do well. It works better in manga, where you can read through in 2-3 panels. Here, you spend hundreds of words to describe that interaction. Which isn't even entertaining.
Small ones
- Also, be consistent with quotes to signal thoughts or internal monologue. Sometimes you use single quote ('), sometimes you don't. Be consistent.
- Stick to one POV at a time. Don't jump from people to people. In chapter 2, you go from Stevhen, to the lady that got mugged, to the girl on the bike.
Those are some things that stick out. Just work on one at a time (I recommend starting with the synopsis). Good luck!
- Edited
GabrielDetchans
Okay.
Writing quality
Your writing is quite polished. Relatively few typos and grammatical errors. Compared to the average WN novel.
My main problem with the writing is the inconsistent use of tenses. Sometimes you use present tenses, sometimes past tenses with no apparent pattern.
POV
Personally I don't like 1st person POV. In this case it's a bit worse because I feel like I'm reading someone's diary. And you didn't help matters by sometimes directly addressing the reader.
Infodump
The first chap consists only of this. While it's tolerable because of the relatively competent writing, it still feels like a chore to read through someone's entire history. I understand you want to skip through this part as quickly as possible to get to the good stuff. Gotta grab reader's attention and all that. Later on I suggest you find a way to introduce all that info a little more smoothly.
After action Report
Almost everything reads like a summary of things that have happened. Little to no sense of curiosity, excitement or urgency. The MC described what he did with the tone of someone describing a trip to the supermarket. He seems bored all the time to me.
The only times you narrate things "as it happen" are during the conversation with blondie and the ghosts, which are, incidentally, the least interesting parts.
The part where I feel should have received the most attention is the confrontation with the paladin. However, you only summarized what happened instead of narrating it. The creep showed no emotion (surprise, anger, confusion, fear, despair) because you didn't give him any chance to. There are no dialogue between the two of them. The MC reportedly tortured the crap out of him and ate his corpse. That's it.
Story
What's the MC's goal again? I guess it's something like hunting bad people?
What about the king who ordered the execution of his town? Will he go after him? Why isn't there any mention of that incident at all after chap 1?
World building
Nothing notable yet.
it's unclear whether people are all elves or only the teacher.
Cycle of life, by definition, includes death. Saying elves fear dead mana because they revere cycle of life is really odd.
The magic system only received a few lines of description, but I found some rather weird contradictions.
...recognize the elements and imbue them in the mana.
So I take it mana is some sort of neutral container for the elements or some sort of catalyst to allow the elements to react or interact?
However, I could also manipulate the dead mana
So mana is not neutral and has elements in it. Like fire mana, water mana, etc? Also, shouldn't it be death mana?
Then she showed me how to surround it with the energy of life and hold him inside me so it could not escape.
What's the difference between mana and energy? Also What's 'it' and who is 'him' here?
My hands (claws) wrapped in dead mana
Seriously what is mana in your world?
I also find it weird to have poison as an element.
The MC
Something about the way you write makes him sound like a kid trying (and failing) to act tough.
I am a cold blood killer.
I am a monster.
The cursed staff, the forbidden book and the poisoned dagger.
Tbh it makes me think of a typical goth kid on TV.
His actions don't really match his words.
- he helped the ghost(s), the blond wench (why not use woman?) and goes out of his way to save the girl in the basement.
- he saved the Bob guy. And can't even intimidate him properly. That last part in chap 4 made me cringe and made him lose what's left of his "cold blooded killer" cred.
Try to show the MC'S personality and let readers conclude by themselves. Don't tell them what to think.
Btw how old is he?
ImBloo Thank you for your feedback. Its been really useful.
You are totally right about the grammar and spelling. I will try to improve it in the future. Also, thanks for telling me in a very detailed way about the flaws on my story. I agree with most of your points and will try to make the necessary adjustments to my work. I appreciated your honest review.
The mayority of your questions about the story and the character would be answered in chapters to come and to reveal that now would be a huge spoiler. However, I can answer some of them.
About the Bob guy
Bob is a kender. The primary trait of this particular race is that is immune to fear. He could be inside the mouth of a dragon and not feel the slightest fear at all. That's the reason because the mc can't intimidate Bob.
There are more reasons to explain the dynamic between the two of them but it would be a huge spoiler.
By the way, kenders are not a creation of mine. They were created to replace Tolkien's Halflings in the Drangonlace Setting of TSR publishing. If you want to know more about them you can check the Dragonlance series.
About the Poison element
Poison has been used as an element of magic in a lot of novels, movies and videogames. It is really a common trope. Final Fantasy and Pokemon come to my mind right away but there are lots of examples.
It is sometimes depicted as the element opposite to lightning, which in my opinion does not make much sense, so in my world is an element that is linked both to water and darkness.
About the mana
Mana in my world is both a medium and an entity. You could think of it to be similar to "the force" of star wars except that in this case mana is sentient and very much alive. Mana can weaken and strengthen magic elements while the oposite is also true. While they can function separately on their own, mana and element are more powerful when combined.
A magician in this world is someone who can "convince" or "force" both the living mana and at least one of the elements to do what the magician wants. The mc is exceptional at this, to the point that he is able to manipulate dead mana, which is almost equal to living mana but is considered more powerful, dreadfull and harder to control. Also it is considered taboo in most places of this world.
As an analogy, if you consider the living mana a normal being, then dead mana is an undead being. Or if you a star wars fan you may prefer to see them as the force and the dark side.
About the character
The mc is mentally unstable , and will sometime act pretty similar to what you call a typical goth kid and also like a kid trying (and failing) to act tough. His actions will not match his words because the way he perceive himself is not how he really is. He does not understand himself. But he is the one who is telling the story so what you will know for now is just what he says and what you can deduce from his words and your own jugdment.
So at least in that part I have managed to produce pretty much the impression of him that I desired. So, I know that I am the right track. Again, thanks for your feedback!
About the wench.
Because she is really a wench. Not really sure what you find strange here, can you please elaborate about this particular point?
I suppose I could have used prostitute instead, but that would leave away her day work as the waitress of the tavern. I could have used waitress but then the reader could have a misleading impression that she is having sex because that what she liked to do instead of her night job.
While it is accurate that she is a woman, is not the appropriate word to use to describe what she does for a living. I feel that wench is the perfect word to describe her, as it is the word that has been used for decades in novels or movies to refer to a person who offer this kind of sexual services while also working at taverns as a waitress.
Hopefully , this would answer some of you concerns. Thank you very much for giving me the detailed feedback that I wanted! You surpassed what I usually expect of a reviewer! kudos to you, my friend!
And also thanks for the powerstone ! If you want feedback or a review from me, just tag me and I will do it after the contest ends.
GabrielDetchans
Huh I didn't know that about kenders. I found the wiki article but was too lazy to read it. Still, you should probably drop a line or two explaining why the tiny guy isn't afraid of the MC.
Regarding magic, I just found some of the elements odd. If you can keep the rules consistent then it'js probably no problem. However, why so many terms for mage? You've got mage, magician, and also sorcerer. Not quite a deal breaker (and I know wikipedia says they mean the same), but a little unwieldy.
If the unreliable narrator is what you're going for, then good for you, I guess. Although I must also point out that I find that it's more trouble than it's worth. One, there is a risk that readers will stop taking what the MC says seriously, and just skim through his thoughts and intentions until he actually does things. Two, if the protagonist insists that he's a "tough guy" while acting like a softy all the time, it doesn't exactly inspire reader's interest. At least not for me. I find such a character weak.
The word wench, besides having that particular meaning, I feel it also has a certain negative connotation. And the protagonist insists on referring to her as either the wench (or sometimes blondie). It's a little repetitive and distracting. In addition, it's almost like he's going out of her way to remind the reader that "She's not a woman. She's a prostitute." I'm not sure if it's your intention, but it seems like he's judging her for her profession despite knowing she doesn't exactly have a lot of choices.
Also on the topic of period-appropriate terms, I don't think "guy" is one. It's a relatively modern word.
Hey friend! If you could read and review what I'm writting I would be really thankfull!
Will you trust the ones who are Rotten?
- Edited
ImBloo Hey, mate, hope you do remember me. I tried partecipating in the contest with this:
https://www.webnovel.com/book/12820870105509205/34489637321884380
I'd be glad to have your honest feedback.
Sorry for the long prologue in advance.
- Edited
Let's begin with the synopsis
Dante was one of the strongest magicians of the world, but he was betrayed by the Shadow’s Eyes.
...
Which was the reason of the betrayal? What kind of group is the Shadow’s eyes? Will he be able obtain revenge?
If you ask questions in the synopsis, it should be about the mysteries that drive the plot and give the protagonist a goal. A.k.a. things that the protagonist doesn't know. Only the third question somewhat satisfies that condition. The first 2 questions are redundant. He should be well aware of who the Shadow's Eyes are and why they betray him, right? Why are those a mystery?
Chapter 1
Inside of a sturdy barrier were two men. Both had a majestic aura. Their bodies were full of blood, cuts and bruises. One had a hole where his arm was supposed to be.
A lot of problems here. I'll just list the biggest ones.
- You write everything else in 1st person POV. Why is there a section at the beginning in 3rd person?
- All of this info could be more smoothly integrated into the dialogue later. There's really no need for this section.
{The MC's thoughts in brackets}
These are completely unnecessary. You are writing in 1st person. Everything that is not dialogue is either the MC's thoughts, observations or actions. And I believe people are smart enough to figure out which lines are thoughts. You don't need to use these clumsy {} brackets.
Sense of humor
You keep insisting these two people are humorous. But I don't think they are. Might be jokes that are lost in translation. But I don't find anything they say funny or witty.
Clumsy exposition through dialogue
You catched (should be caught, or more accurately, got) me.
Anyways, our plan to cast the [Time Magic: Stop the Clock] without me to control the flow to stop this fuckers wasn´t viable.
Doesn't the MC know this? Why should the friend explain it to him?
Also, it´s very naïve to think that we could have the time to let the portals close completely while they are trapped in my magic.
Same problem as above. The MC should have figured that out by himself and narrate to the reader, not let his friend do so.
Now my friend, you should realize that the amount of mana needed to use [Complete Restore Hibernate] is really high. Maybe if we had more time we could made it better, but as you see, we don´t
Again, the MC should have already known this.
Most of the dialogue that explains things should have been replaced with the MC's thoughts and analysis. In the synopsis, you said he's one of the best mages. None of that is on display here. He just bumbles around while his friend does all the hard work.
You are losing the control of your mana, which is making the different process of recuperation and rejuvenation.
Really? The MC, one of the best mages, is receiving a reminder on what mana does?
Redundancy
Apart from the negative feelings, I also felt happiness... But this happiness was being accompanied with the emptiness of having an imminent loss.
Uh. No kidding. A accompanied B and B accompanied A.
A severe lack of action
I suspect you intend for your novel to be action-oriented. However, there's a distinct lack of action. Most of the stuff that happens are described through dialogue.
This is what I gathered from what I've read.
They are holing up in a safe house, behind a magical barrier. The enemies are outside, trying to bring down the barrier. They are exhausted, wounded and heavily outnumbered. His friend is completing some a spell before the barrier falls.
Because of the way you write, I don't feel any of the desperation or urgency. You don't describe anything in detail (the safehouse, the barrier, the injuries). You don't even mention their immediate surroundings (are they in a room or a yard? are they sitting or standing?). It's like the two characters are in an empty world with an occasional "BOOM" in the background that... doesn't do anything. At least make the ground tremble or some piece of debris fall down around them,
The two of them don't seem that serious about anything. I feel like I'm watching two kids playing make-believe.
Weird phrases
This makes it hard to take the content seriously. The phrase that comes to mind is "unintentional comedy."
BOOM. We both exalted.
What does exalt even mean in this context?
Tears rained from my eyes and my throat was blocked
I guess you mean he choked up.
Why I didn´t try to give my life for my only friend? It never passed my head.
Crossed my mind
Now regret was also being added to the salad of sorrowfully emotions.
Umm. I'm not sure there's such a phrase in English.
I really…. appreciate you
"I appreciate you too Dante"
I have no words.
A wide range of spelling & grammatical errors
There's at least one mistake in each sentence. It's... pretty bad.
Chapter 2
Many same problems as chapter 1.
You seem to be strangely fixated on the MC's sense of humor?
{This guy seems familiar to someone… Oh! He may be it! He is… Santa Claus! But, Santa isn't real. Maybe he is a fan. Or, perhaps, Santa DOES exist.}
This nickname is out of nowhere. I guess you're trying to be funny. Also, the name Santa Claus was first used in 1773, in America.
Conclusion
Your work is... really, really rough around the edges.
It's pretty obvious that you haven't figured out most of the plot. But that's okay. It happens to most contest writers.
Still, the sheer number of errors and weird turns of phrases is really off putting to most readers. You should probably work on those. Either at the same time as or after having a vague outline.
@ImBloo Thanks for explaining your opinions and suggesting ideas. I appreciate your effort at this and its been really helpful.
The mc is pretty judgmental at this stage.Its a flawed individual. Also, he was not very happy to comply with to the ghost's request to make love to her sister and that is shown in his actions and thoughts. He does it anyway and do a bad job at it. The whole scene is supossed to make you a little unconfortable at the understanding that he really not cares about her but not too much. Although, I grant you that using only Blondie and wench is a little dull. I will try to improve my writing in the future.
I don't really consider necesary to explain what a kender is for now, as is it a very common race in fantasy paperbooks, but if i ever do a list of races for my novel, i 'll be sure to include them.
There is no special reason to alternate between mage and magician. In here, there are used as synonyms despite the slight differences of their original meanings. I prefer to use magician to refer to the mc as it has that old feeling around it. However, sorcerers do practice a specific type of magic. The word is used in a specific way there.
The semiomniscient, unreliable narrator is my style of writing. My other novel also uses it although with a slight difference since that one written in 3rd person. Also, antiheros are weak by definition. They usually struggle with their mental flaws and unconsistant attitudes.
I'm sorry if that style of narrating things or the characteristic of the mc doesn' t appeal to you but there is not much that I can do about it. Its a matter of personal taste and other readers enjoy reading this kind of things.
I will revise the use of the word guy. Although I feel that a word that has been used since the 17thcentury its old enough, rereading through the story made me realize that I overusing it a lot and its better to replace it for a synonym.
Thanks for your input! I appreciate it!
I will consider making changes.
Thank you again for the feeback and suggestions.
- Edited
OMG. An actual good reviewer. I applaud and thank you so much for offering this---I understand it's only a possibility of a review, but still, getting people to review stories are hard, and a good reviewer, even harder. I volunteered to be a beta reader of a 162 page prologue and first arc, so I know it takes real effort and time. Before that, I mainly reviewed poetry on WritersCafe which sometimes ends up in a long review, but not usually.
Anyway, I just had to include the thanks above regardless of whether you actually like my story enough to review. XD
Moving on,
https://www.webnovel.com/book/12836075506617305
My World To Live (MWTL)
- Fantasy with romance, adventure, action, mystery plus bits of more.
- FL, but I'm actually trying to appeal to both male and female readers. The romance builds slowly and starts later on while the action is right at the start.
!!! Heads up, long explanation, read or skim at your own risk, er, leisure. Or, scroll to the bolded words at the bottom!
I've already planned out the entire story over these last two years with two notebooks and scores of poor loose leaf--only recently have I started physically writing it. There are technically three "books" or arcs of unequal length. The first symbolically focuses on "My World," the second, "To Live," and then the full title.
There's a lot that I planned to happen, and minor details often allude to later events and eventually build up and unravel the over-arching mystery of the MC's appearance/destiny so to say. This is my biggest concern: is the start exciting enough?! There are mix of factors involved in a successful start, and I'm sure it's probably one of the most common concerns, lol. But I hope that after a few chapters, it can build enough to be a page turner, er, scroller.
The beginning chapters seem somewhat formulaic of the appeared-in-another-world-that's-magical! theme, but without spoiling, it's hardly a simple "fantasy/game-world" and later involves 'reality,' space-time travel,' 'reincarnation' etc. ........Oh heck, what am I saying, it has every trope of fantasy stories haha, but hopefully this story combines bits and parts into something uniquely original.
Speaking of which, I've been pondering about alternatively titling "Canaan" for its link to paradise, language, color meaning/word derivative, Noah/flood, etc. It's very pertinent to the story; even though, it does not have any direct biblical elements. But since I touch upon time, soul, reincarnation, it has an automatic sort of religious element. ---So if you do end up reviewing, a light thought on which title you like/think fit best would also help if you want.
I haven't gotten many reviews on it, but the reading hurdle, I was told by one, seems to be my style and level of writing. Apparently it's "difficult to read," so I want to get more opinions if this is really the case. Even my old teachers in grade school were flummoxed by my creative writing, lol. So, I wasn't too surprised when I received this feedback. The reviewer tied this to a slow start because there were too many visual descriptions and color words, so the eyes glazed over parts.
I don't want to scare anyone away with my descriptions and world building, but I also want them to be immersed and able to visualize the world I created. ----> On a sorta side-note, I'm also an artist, and I attempted to make a Webtoon out of this story first, but managing everything on my own was hard for a full-time college student with two part-time jobs. It might be due to this that I use a lot of visual words... excuses! Haha~
In short, tbh, I don't think it's that difficult? I've already even toned it down somewhat, but I'm willing to adapt for the sake of storytelling.
Gah, reading all I wrote, it seems somewhat useless like I'm justifying (I am) why the beginning might be slow or the writing style too uncommon! XD Oh well, seems a waste to delete, so I leave it. Read or not read, review or not review as you like. (:
Thank you regardless and have a good day~
[EDIT: If you're busy, then waiting until Feb. 4th when all of chapter 4 releases works too. This chapter goes progressively deeper into the MC's feelings+interactions and the world. Of course, if that's too much to read/skim, no problem~]
Legion20
Sorry for the wait. Here's what I think of your work.
Chapter 1-4: The overly long prologue
You've figured this one by yourself.
It's important to grab readers' attention as soon as possible. Especially in web novels. You can't expect readers to sit through several boring chapters to get to the good stuff.
From my experience, you need at least one of the following in the opening chapters (and, preferably, every chapter after that):
- An intriguing idea (man in pajama fights off planet-devouring space worm, then goes back to sleep)
OR
- An old idea, but interesting regardless (A knight fights a final boss to save the princess). Competent description of action is a must.
OR, failing those two.
- A character doing mundane crap (like tying his shoes), but describe it in a way that's witty, funny or interesting in some way. (The most difficult, needs lots of practice)
The problem with your prologue is that you don't have any of those three. You just summarize the MC's entire life with a few highlights. Abusive parents, bullies, etc, all of it had been done before and better.
Suggestions
- (This one's more difficult) Pick a few days of his life (at age 7,15, 19, etc). The days that mark a turning point (him starting to learn martial arts, him fighting back the bullies, etc). Describe those days concisely, but provide enough details to make them impactful. Skip all the boring stuff in between.
- Skip the prologue entirely. Start with the death and rebirth. Later in the plot, if there is something that requires a skill he acquired in the previous life, or something that reminds him of his previous life, then have a brief flashback. Otherwise, move on. And if the previous life doesn't affect his new life at all, then why waste so much of your readers' time?
Chapter 5
This chapter is especially jarring for a few reasons.
- The tone contrasts with the one in the previous chapters. It seems to treat reincarnation/transmigration like a joke. I'm not saying it's a bad things. You can make a comedic novel that use reincarnation as a gag. However, if you intend for your novel to be serious then this chapter is quite out of place.
- The MC seems to change personality from "dark and brooding" to "wisecracking and chatty." He even cracked a few jokes here and there, despite the bizarre situation he was in. Maybe you intended for him to be that way from the beginning, but it never showed, because of the lack of dialogue in the prologue. Therefore, from chapter 5 it was like he has another personality entirely.
- Does this mean if he dies again he will be in another setting?
Chapter 6**
This is probably where the story actually starts.
- *"Option two, wait until I am tall enough to grab sharp objects, put me out of my misery and take another spin hoping for a better outcome. I think I'll go with option number two."
Is the MC familiar with reincarnation stories? He's bizarrely cool with it and even considers killing himself to reroll.
- As a side notes, I've read tons of stories about people reincarnating into babies' bodies. They are almost always identical in that the baby has perfect vision like an adult.
Chapter 6-10: Sounds familiar.
This is a summary of his early 3 years. For a readers new to the genre, it might be somewhat entertaining. However, for readers who are already familiar with isekai stories, this is really boring.
This is the summary of these chapters:
- Discover magic
- Practice magic
- Learn language
- Figure out the world
- All the while, pretend to be a baby
This part is very similar to novels such as Mushoku Tensei. Again, it's not bad to borrow from other works (I'm guilty of that as well, heh), but you need to bring something new to it. Everything in these chapters I've seen done better elsewhere, except (perhaps) the sibling rivalry. Not sure if you plan to do anything meaningful with it.
Chapter 8-10 was especially tedious, because they read like a report of what already happened. There is little sense of curiosity or discovery as things unfold in real time.
The solution, again, is to pick out the highlights and focus on them. You did pick a few good "real-time" moments, such as when he discovered 'spirit magic.' However, many other moments are boring, such as his parents talking about him.
POV
If you want to maintain readers' curiosity about the world, stick close to the MC's point of view. Don't show readers things the MC doesn't know, except for when it's extremely important to the story.
For example, at the beginning, he doesn't understand the language, so you put lines of dialogue in this asterisk to sign that he doesn't understand it. But is this a good choice? Can you make him guess what's going on based on their tone and facial cues?
Later on, when the MC learns the language, it doesn't change anything, except for the removal of the asterisk. The readers don't feel his relief and satisfaction for finally understanding the language, because they understand everything from the beginning.
Too much telling
One of the reason why your work reads like a report is that you tell a lot of things instead of show.
Raaz really loved him, and Lith never ceased to amaze him. (there's also an unclear reference here as well. Who do the him's refer to?)
Lith increasingly grew fond of Eliza, it was more like a loving aunt than a sister to him.
How about a little demonstration of their affections for each other? And please, don't have them say "I love you so much!"
His feud with Orpal never resolved, and he could clearly feel Trion's hostility on his brother's behalf. Clearly Orpal was for Trion what Eliza was for Lith, his role model.
This, too.
Minor stuff
- Almost identical character names. Eliza, Elina. I know they are mother and daughter. But I keep mixing them up.
- Typos and grammatical errors here and there.
- Some weird turns of phrases.
Conclusion
You need to do a lot more to make your story stand out. Right now it is too similar to other isekai novels to attract readers familiar with the genre. At the same time, it was too slow-paced for people expecting actions.
Introduce something interesting, and do it soon. Maybe throw some complications in the MC's current "safe" environment to shake it up (say, one of his siblings is a changeling or something).
Read other works and watch movies for inspiration. Read books about writing. Practice. I believe you will improve as you write.
Good luck!
- Edited
ImBloo
I completely understand your point of view, and actually i expected most of this criticism, so thanks.
Now let me explain why I did what i did, and why it makes sense in my own way of narrating stuff.
Chapter 1-4: The idea (failure or not is p to th readers to decide) was to show you who the MC is, how he thinks.
More like a slice of life to let you understand him without later slowing the pace of the story with flashbacks.
In the future i plan to show specific moments of his 1st life, but not very long sequences, since I think that when action gets real forcing the story to a halt for a flahsback is a bummer for the reader (who cares for the past, let me see how the good stuff goes, at least is what i scream at my screen XD)
Chapt5: The main char comes out of the prologue as broken, both phisically and mentally. If he had gone straight for life n3 (magic) he would have just suicided again, not giving it a chance. You do not heal overnight from traumas. Hence the "alien experience" is actually very important since he learns that death is different from everything he ever believed, and does not seem to be a way out. He is hysterical/on mental breakdown all the chapter. He does not straight kill himself simply cause has no mean to, and keeps moving because hunger (pain) scares him, death does not. In the ending he hopes to die like Obi wan, painlessly and instead dies like a dog. Hence the pain fear is triggered once again and he reborns again.
Chapter 6: the asterisks were necessary, if you notice, he starts life hating everyone around him, his misanthropy takes the weel. Instead the world around him wasn't that black. Plz notice that he is not familiar abut reincarnation stories, but if you die twice and both times you just pop back to life, it does not take a genius to figure out that death is a lottery (in his case even the age, as you noticed is random he could have even reincarnated as an old man).
Chaps 6-10: I honestly do not know the manga you are talking about. I drop most of isekai stories after 2-3 chaps cuz poorly written. I simply did what felt right to me. Believe me or not i am not borrowing is just something that other people has done before me :P
Last thing: about the too much telling I would like to show, like per your suggestion, but a baby has a very limited range of interaction, and i am already avoiding to time skip too much, otherwise everything would feel rushed and force continuous info dumps as soon as the MC uses any spells.
Thanks for your review, i really appreciated it! Thanks for your trust
Still fairly new but I would like some feedback. Please and thank you
https://www.webnovel.com/book/12834608106610305/Runeless
Newer Story
8 chapters proligue
2 chapters MC
So far.
Because of one flaw Kals world is turned upside down. Those he called feiends shun and beat him The family he knew all his short life are planning to sell him and the worst part is the kingdom he lives in wished he was never born. Runeless and fighting for survival in a kingdom that only sees him for profit or servitude.
Was it always like this? Can I survive it?
- Edited
Legion20 Chapter 1-4: The idea (failure or not is p to th readers to decide) was to show you who the MC is, how he thinks.
More like a slice of life to let you understand him without later slowing the pace of the story with flashbacks.
In the future i plan to show specific moments of his 1st life, but not very long sequences, since I think that when action gets real forcing the story to a halt for a flahsback is a bummer for the reader
That probably depend on personal taste. As for me, after a big fight (i.e. you've made a lot of cool stuff happen), I don't mind if the plot slows down for a little breather and introspection. I'm not telling you to flashback in the middle of the fight, just 1-2 sentences here and there after the fight.
(who cares for the past, let me see how the good stuff goes, at least is what i scream at my screen XD)
That's exactly what you're doing in the first 4 chapters. No good stuff yet, and you make readers read thousands of words about the past.
Chapt5: The main char comes out of the prologue as broken, both phisically and mentally. If he had gone straight for life n3 (magic) he would have just suicided again, not giving it a chance.
As you pointed out in the chapter, he could not commit suicide yet (as a baby). And I'm not sure exactly how being broken has anything to do with it. Now he's got a new life in a brand new healthy body, in a world where magic exists, I think even the most cynical person would decide to give it a chance. A lot of people have it much worse then him and they are still much more optimistic.
You do not heal overnight from traumas. Hence the "alien experience" is actually very important since he learns that death is different from everything he ever believed, and does not seem to be a way out.
... So, they simply stopped believing in heroes and instead of wasting time with prayers they crammed.
... Oh man, this means all religions are dead wrong! Luckyly I never believed in any mumbo jumbo, otherwise I would be really disappointed right now."
What exactly did he believe in again? From the prologue, he doesn't seem to believe in anything.
The 'dead is not the end' might be a somewhat interesting idea. But, you need to ask yourself: Do you intend to do anything with it down the line? Do you plan to make him die one more time and move to another world? If not, then this setup has no payoff. You can't introduce an idea and just abandon it. Actually you can, but that's a bad way to write a novel.
Here's an example. Say, the protagonist has a gun. You draw attention to that gun. You put a lot of efforts to describe that gun. The protagonist constantly maintains that gun and thinks about firing that gun. BUT, he never actually fires it.
This is extremely annoying. The more prominent and otherworldly the element, the more jarring it is to be left unused. To be fair, readers probably will forget about it later, but the more nitpicky ones (like myself, heh) will call out authors for that.
Chapter 6: the asterisks were necessary, if you notice, he starts life hating everyone around him, his misanthropy takes the weel. Instead the world around him wasn't that black.
From what I see, it's still unnecessary. If that's what you're going for, you could simply stick to his perspective, let him color everything around him black. Then gradually, let the family's affection and whatnot get to him, and slowly change the way he describe things. For me, that's a more effective way of showing how he mellows out, instead of just telling "gradually he begins to love everyone, except the two idiotic brothers."
Plz notice that he is not familiar abut reincarnation stories, but if you die twice and both times you just pop back to life, it does not take a genius to figure out that death is a lottery (in his case even the age, as you noticed is random he could have even reincarnated as an old man).
Uh, nope! "Once Is Chance, Twice is Coincidence, Third Time Is A Pattern."
The rule of three exists for a reason.
Chaps 6-10: I honestly do not know the manga you are talking about. I drop most of isekai stories after 2-3 chaps cuz poorly written. I simply did what felt right to me. Believe me or not i am not borrowing is just something that other people has done before me :P
Okay. you didn't borrow it. But that's not the point. I suggest you make a thread and ask people to name a novel with the premise "MC from modern word dies, reborned as a baby in a medieval-like world where magic exist" and see what the replies are.
My point is, people that might be drawn to your premise most likely have read other novels with a similar premise before. The most famous and successful of that bunch is Mushoku Tensei.
Here's a wikipedia summary of the first dozen chapter
A 34-year-old Japanese NEET is kicked out of his house following the death of his parents. He intercepts a speeding truck heading towards a group of teenagers and pulls one of them out of the way before dying. Awakening in a baby's body, he realizes he has been reincarnated in a world of sword and sorcery. While initially indulging in his perversion, he resolves to become successful in his new life, discarding his past identity for his new life as Rudeus Greyrat. Due to his genetic factor and early training, Rudeus becomes highly skilled at magic.
The first chapters were like this:
- Die, rebirth.
- Learn language
- Discover magic
- Learn magic
Because of your lack of experience and knowledge of the genre, your work feels like an inferior copy of Mushoku Tensei. Here's what I think of that novel's opening:
- The "old life" section feels very personal. You feel the MC's sad and pathetic existence. You could sum up it up in a few words: regrets for living an insignificant life. When he was reborn, he was overjoyed for having a second chance, and promises to himself to live this new life to the fullest.
- His motivation was simple, but clear and quite relatable, allowing readers to relate with him and cheer for him.
- The author avoids the omniscient (know-it-all) narrator, and instead focuses on the MC's POV most of the time, while occasionally shifting to the other household members, who comments on the MC's strange behaviours (which exposes his flaws, and also gives him more human characteristics). This makes the story feels more personal, instead of the detached feeling yours give.
- The magic system was described in a clearcut, straightforward manner, which is easy to follow and enjoyable to read.
A good advice in writing is that you need to read books in the same genre. Find out their strong and weak points. Then, as you write your own, learn from them, while improving on their weak points. This is to avoid reinventing the wheel. And I followed that advice in my work (though I'm not even sure if I'm successful or not).
I could go on, but the tl;dr version is that readers will draw comparison to what they've read before. And if your work doesn't offer anything new or better, it will be forgotten.