Epyonnn fu*k this is I've been afraid of... I tried to make the thing a a bit mysterious from the prologue and show the tone of the book. But it looks like it failed.
Did I go too deep into it? Or is it a bit confusing?
By the way those characters were not the main characters, they wouldn't even appear until the middle of the books. They are the big fishes.
Can you give me any advice to cut or add something the prologue is quite important to the plot.
silent_walker My mistake by assuming it was the first chapter. I didn't notice that it was the prologue.
Here's the thing with prologues: they follow a few different rules from first chapters.
The main purpose of a prologue is to provide necessary information that is important for the rest of the story. Just so that I don't have to destroy my fingers by typing out another full essay, here's a good video explaining how to write a good prologue:
If you watch that video, it should cover most of the questions you have.
Epyonnn no you're right about the errors with the writing... I should redo another edit of the prologue as its the first...
As for your other opinions it did hurt a bit to be honest... Maybe I'm a bit sensitive person.
Epyonnn hello future me, I like his videos apart from the most examples with avatar. I haven't seen this one though.
And my prologue should be more understandable than the ones from Brendan Sanderson no?
silent_walker Sorry if I'm being too direct with my criticisms. Just know that I'm doing that because I want to help people improve.
There are links to the basics:
Cover, Title, Synopsis http://bit.ly/WNTitleCoverSynopsis
Finetune your First 3 Chapters http://bit.ly/WNFirstChapters
Using Canva to Make a Cover http://bit.ly/WNCanva
Plots, Paragraphs and Pacing http://bit.ly/WNThreePs
Writing Plot Outlines http://bit.ly/WNPlotOutlines
Meet Your Wordcount Goals http://bit.ly/WNWritingGoals
Prohibited/Controversial Content (i.e. what we cannot contract!) http://bit.ly/WebnovelNonos
How to format dialogue in the story:
https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-format-dialogue-in-your-novel-or-short-story#how-to-format-dialogue-in-a-story
Structure (traditional novels)
It turns out that when it comes to novels, the best, most liked by readers, are those that stick to a certain structure. Yes, you can experiment with it. However, when analyzing many books, it turns out that the best ones are those in which the conflict is presented at the beginning, then we gradually get to know the protagonist in action or from flashback, and the ending is a complete surprise.
If, after reading the book, you have a feeling of chaos, unfinished threads, not maintaining the tension, unable to pinpoint the climax, everything is predictable - probably something is wrong with the structure. You feel disappointed with such reading.
If you want to write a book that readers will love, start by building a structure. Base your story on this structure. You can experiment a bit. Move the climax, surprise the ending, break the threads. But stick to the structure and in the right place, nevertheless, make a climax and finish the threads that have begun.
For the purposes of writing a book, it is best to slightly modify the classic structure. Basically, it is extremely important to build up the tension just before the climax, but the ending itself can be shortened. As a result, the reader is often surprised and left to his own thoughts.
The structure that has been proven and currently used in books is:
Initiating an incident. Showing the problem.
Complications. The problem is starting to get worse. Everything starts to get more and more confusing.
Crisis. The hero is pressed against the wall. He has to deal with the problem.
Climax. The hero makes a choice. The action is the most tense.
Solution. The problem is solved. The plots are completed and the heroes face the consequences of their choices.
In the first act, initiate the main plot, the problem, introduce the hero. Show the main task, the goal it stands in front of.
In the second act, complicate this task. Introduce obstacles, e.g. moral, social, physical. Here you should convey a lot of information about the character himself, preferably by showing him in action or by mentioning previous events (flashback). Here, the reader must get to know the hero and understand him, take his side.
In the third act, show what choice the hero faces and what he has to lose. This part of the structure is to build a tension that will reach its apogee in a moment. Show the internal conflict, the costs of the decisions made by the hero.
The fourth act is the climax. The key action of the book. The hero makes a choice. The reader should read this part with bated breath.
In the fifth act, close all plot lines. Let everyone bear the consequences of their choices.
Yoan_Roturier I'm using my phone, so the outlook isn't like that. But I think I've found it or so... I'll try adding you.
Epyonnn
It did help... Thank you for that...
The one you said about using other things rather than always 'he' — it reply have or
The problem sometimes is that to clarify who the 'he' belongs.
I'm fixed the mistakes in the prologue now... Cut down about a hundred unnecessary words... Hope it would be better than before...
Donniedrako15_ I agree with silent_walker , but I have a few add-ons:
*the storyline is very interesting, and I actually did read into the fourth chapter. But the size of the paragraphs was hard on my eyes. Those videos made by the Webnovel editors said that paragraphs should be 2-4 lines Maximum, and only four if it’s critically connecting details. I know that traditional books are 3-6 lines(that’s what I had done at the beginning with my first book), but it just looks like a wall of words in the app/online.
*Your descriptions were well thought out, but I would’ve liked more about the ‘hovercrap’, and the bank. Like when the female hero came in through the window: how many were there? Did the glass get on the hostages? Where were they in the room comparative to the Cons and/or hero? The more details you add, the more creative options you give yourself; as well as paint a more vivid picture.
*You had a few errors in there that make the sentences a bit confusing. Example:
(CH.2)- ‘In the most casual motions, Port’s left hand slipped into a pocket space that even she doesn’t know the full story, only to return with a completely random object!’
Try something like this:
(Slightly Altered)
In the most casual of motions, Port’s left hand slipped into her pocket space. She didn’t understand it fully, and always retrieved a completely random object from it.
(Extreme)
While appearing casual, Port’s hand slipped into her pocket space. She didn’t fully understand how her power worked, or why the objects that she retrieved from it were always randomly generated.
Like Mana said, the flow is off, but it can be fixed with some detailing and structuring.
Another example:
(CH.2)- In its wake, all the officer could do was surrender to the blast as the adhesive soon dried to cement her into the nearby wall unconsciously!
Try this:
(Slightly Altered)
In it’s wake, all the officer could do was surrender to the blast. Falling unconscious as the adhesive quickly dried, and restrained her against the nearby wall.
(Extreme)
The officer’s vision quickly began to fade as the ringing in her head from the blast intensified. The adhesive rapidly dried around her, binding her to the wall as she finally lost consciousness.
These are just examples. Everything I have written is subjective to your own style. I used these lines because they stood out to me. I hope I haven’t offended you. I honestly do like the premise behind your story. Kinda reminds me of the Italian Job mixed with My Hero Academia
First and foremost: Your book is Very well written. I didn’t find many errors at all, and commented on the few that I did find.
Plot: I love how you opened it with the confusion and details. It was perfectly balanced: not an info dump, but still got a sense of who the character was prior to his blackout. I also like that Aito is a realistic character. I spent a large chunk of my childhood summers in Washington state, up in the mountains. My dad had a Lot of lumberjack buddies, and I loved how nostalgic it made me while reading. The Cast Away references got me Like I had commented to you, that is a movie I watch at Least once a year, so I was all excited to see the references. I also loved that you actually described how to make a real fire, and not just rubbing two sticks together(the notch is crucial, as well as air flow, and you got it right! SO MANY don’t).
Coconuts.. My comments
World: you have a real talent for descriptions and creating an immersive story. I barely realized that I had read the three chapters, which was surprising since they seem longer than most on Webnovel(or maybe I was just that into the story, idk). The description of the island from the mountain top was excellent, and I’m intrigued to find out what’s by the waterfall.
Characters: I really love Aito, but that might be because of my own personal experiences. The gods are comical, and I’m very curious to see if the brother and sister both survive the zombie world. That fish monger dude Kai set off my ‘pompous ass’ sensors, so I Really want to know what happens to him(axe to the face
).
Overall: I will be keeping this book in my library to actually READ, which is the highest praise I can give. The descriptions, the plot, and especially the main character are all very enthralling.
Critiques: I left most of them in comments since there were so few, but there were two lines that stood out that I thought I should use as examples.
(CH.1)- ‘The fishes on Earth were becoming scarcer, making them a luxury product, and Kai one of the wealthiest of humans.’
I suggest either putting a comma after Kai, or doing something like this:
‘The fishes on Earth were becoming ever more scarce, making them a luxury product. In turn: it had made Kai one of the wealthiest men on the planet.’
(CH.3)- ‘To Aito’s surprise, once dried, the tree barks weaved together, made for solid rope.’
I suggest either:
‘To Aito’s surprise, once they were dried and weaved together; the tree bark strips had made for sturdy ropes.’
Or:
‘Once the strips of tree bark had dried, Aito had been surprised by the quality of rope they’d made.’
Everything I have commented is, of course; personal opinion. Even if you didn’t make any of the suggested corrections, your book would still beat out about 80-90% of the other books on Webnovel. I think that if you promote yourself right, you could easily make decent $$ off of your work. I have already added you to my WSA Potentials reading list too
P.S. : Seeing your quality of work, now I’m excited for you to do mine
I don't think is the best example of 'language skills' for somebody who doesn't know American and English literature (most people here don't). Orwell really thought about the language. Of course, he wrote it as a classic novel, using the classic structure model.
His books are constantly alive in culture, pop culture, and in many of its aspects. He has inspired and inspires many writers, painters, musicians and filmmakers. Whether you like it or not, you often come across references to Orwellian visions in your life, but only in Western culture.
The most important is the theme of totalitarian systems, unit manipulation theme, war theme, enslavement theme, power motive, rebellion theme, destruction theme, love theme, betrayal theme, the motive of indoctrination (indoctrination is the systematic, continuous inculcation of some political or social ideas)
1984 is a futuristic dystopia with numerous political overtones, showing the times of ruthless totalitarianism, not an example of 'language skills'...
It is worth remembering about this type of thing when passing knowledge to people from other cultures.
Wow... ok, I sure didn't expect that.
Thanks, Sara. As an author, I'll try not to disappoint. sigh somehow the weight on my back got heavier...
I've implemented most of the changes you suggested. I still find that "ember" - "amber" thing profoundly confusing. Although, I know you are right. I wonder why I didn't catch this before... sigh Ah well, no matter.
Thanks again, I'll try to get to yours as soon as possible. Gotta finish Darkie's review. I should get to yours by mid next week at the latest.
wewee
The worst?
Sara_Wilcox Oh, I hope you don't mind me deleting your grammar and wording comments. I'll keep the others tho :)
Yoan_Roturier No problem
Make sure you’re doing your own stuff before everyone else’s though(sleep, eat, write, etc..).
And don’t fret so much. Your work is good, otherwise I wouldn’t have been so complimentary.
And to help with the confusion:
Ember- A spark or small flame
Amber- Color, or also a mineral
Or if you meant you’re not sure why it said amber instead of ember(my bad): autocorrect maybe? I write on my phone, and that is a constant struggle. I’ll get like a paragraph away from another, and it’ll change things like ‘they’ to ‘the’, or ‘reins’ to ‘rains’
. Very frustrating.. Keep your head up dear; you’re doing good so far. Both with your writing, and helping out all of us
Yoan_Roturier you go right ahead and delete them(the notes).
@wewee I've read a few chapters of your novel, and I just wanted to say upfront that your synopsis is amazing. The cover looks rough but simultaneously clean, and I love it. It really made me want to read your story until I actually pulled up the first chapter and had immense difficulty understanding the sentences.
Unfortunately, grammar is a big problem among new writers here, but I can't really give any advice for that other than to get grammar-checking software and practice writing A LOT. To arrive at where I am now, I've written four novels in the past, but I can assure you that everyone starts off with tons of mistakes. Just practice, and you'll get better eventually.
Now, I want to talk about the story itself. The prologue is intriguing, but I feel that it would be much more impactful if it was told from the perspective of the undead girl. Of course, this is a personal suggestion, and I don't want you to feel obligated to write your book the way that I want, considering that I'm not the author. Honestly, I feel that the prologue can be fine the way that it is, but the synopsis was described from the perspective of the undead girl, and I feel that readers would be much more drawn into the prologue if it was also from the undead girl's POV, especially since your synopsis one your best selling points. It's really just a continuity thing,.
Following the prologue, you had a couple of chapters of people talking in a school. It's the classic mysterious/tension-filled prologue that leads into a stale beginning. It's okay to start off slow, but at least make it entertaining. It might just be the grammar messing with my head, but I feel that the newly introduced characters don't make much of an impact. I suggest introducing only a couple of key characters at a time in a memorable fashion so that the reader can really let the information sink in. Flashy entrances are always the best, but that doesn't mean that a character has to run in guns blazing.
Still, your first few chapters weren't terrible and you have a really cool concept. I think that the only thing you're missing is more practice.
Jesus Christ! This thread is becoming more intense than ever!
