Stardreamer12

Here's your review.

  1. Ahhh, the deep desire to dominate and possess the woman. Such twisted love.
  2. The twisted woman, desiring a child.
  3. The twisted man, desiring love and family.

I sounded like a freak, but that's okay. It means I approved your work that much.

However, it's a typical story, if you ask me. I had seen too much of this type of situation.

So, here's the question you should ask yourself. What can you do to make it more interesting?

I have a few suggestions here:

  1. Liezel wants to have a child. But is age really the only factor that she wants a child? Why does she wants a child for? Because she desires her own family? This means she have been living in a corrupted family without love, right? Then you could write the process of her growing to be the strong woman as she it now, it serves as a good encouragement.

  2. Why is Light so possessive about Liezel? He's a rich boy, yet no woman could satisfy him but her. So what was the fact that Liezel is the special one to him? Is it because he wasn't loved enough and suffered loneliness? Is it because he knew she didn't want him for money? Or maybe all he want is just to impress his parents? You could write the pain and loneliness he went through.

  3. Or maybe think out of a box a little, a play something different. Like, showing how twisted their love is towards each other. Maybe Liezel would get rid of every woman that went near him, or, Light would always keep Liezel within line of sight, 24/7.

In the end, it's just a suggestion. I'm not a fan of such twisted love, haha.

P.S.
There's not much I could give because there's only 5 chapters, or make that four. It's your first time writing, right? I don't see any problems with your grammars, sentences and storyline so meh, good job.

      LuciferVermillion
      Howdy!
      Can I borrow some of your time for a review swap perhaps? I believe mine will be well-spent with your work.
      Mine is a age-restricted novel because the foundations of the story are quite the sturdy material to hammer. I believe there is no overly explicit scenes nor whatsoever romance to find so far.
      Still, I hope there'll be enough to catch your attention.
      You can find it here!
      Have a nice day.

          LuciferVermillion thank you, english is not my language and maybe this is why it is hard to read this. I read few chapters of your story (I will continue soon) and your style is hard for me 😅 You will get review but I need some time.

              LuciferVermillion I want to fix grammar issues but I don't want to change my style.... Friends promised me to help but it ended on promises sadly and I'm trying to do this alone 😰 But thank you very much for being honest

                LuciferVermillion
                Thanks a lot. I really like this. I'm a new writer so I'm not that experienced. But the difference is obvious, I could picture the scene clearly. I will make sure to be more descriptive in my future chapters. And make amends to the previous chapters.

                    Stardreamer12

                    Uh, no. I wondered why people keeps misunderstood that it's a harem/incest. Despite how many female characters there are, but those also goes with the male characters too. Instead of harem, it's more like multiple couples.

                        Mayline_Carraro

                        I read tilll Chapter 19.

                        Here's your review:

                        1. Oh la la. Well done. Truly a well done.

                        However, I find the storyline to be a little... classic? There goes a prince. A mysterious sword. An evil dragon. The death of friends in order to grow.

                        But that's ok, fantasy novels usually goes like this.

                        Still, there's a reason why I won't be giving rated reviews.

                        Because I don't like classic old fantasy anymore. To me, swords, magic and something evil is already a relic of the past. That's why my work goes more to... something much closer to reality. I don't need any big boss with mysterious power.

                        Anyways, truly splendid. And I'm envious you had an editor. Btw, are those pictures you put at almost every chapter meant for imagination?

                        Oh well, here's my work: The Impossible Fate That Leads To A God Of A New World

                        And I suggest maybe you could start from Chapter 3.

                            LuciferVermillion
                            From chapter three? I'll give your work a proper go so from point-blank and give it a frank go at once.

                            Thanks for your time, thanks for your point of view, I had yet to see this kind of defect to a story, indeed a classical can be quite boring.

                            For the pictures, I find it precise as a color guide more than an imagination shackle. The mood of each chapter can be felt through the few images I've chosen (warmth, coldness, fantasy, richness of the experience (mc going out of his routine)

                            Have a great day, see you in your work.

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