Title: There's Something Wrong With You, My Lord! ⚠️ Contains Boy's Love or Yaoi Warning ⚠️

Synopsis:

Battered, injured, jaded and marvellously wreaked. Luis Lee was one of the powerful ability user during the time of apocalypse but that was until he found himself reincarnated in a magical world full of hunks and gorgeously powerful moon elves.  At that moment he thought, "Let's live a slow slutty life, (b)itches!"

These long eared hotties needed him for something and the new elven lord was determined to do nothing.

However, an obnoxious system was added into the mix saying that he is reincarnated in a world of a book.

System administrator: This world will usher an Apocalypse after a decade. So enjoy your stay (b)itch.

Few days old moon elf lord: Will I ever get a proper rest?

A story of a perverted soul who just wanted to get laid starts now.

updates 1 chapters a day~

add five collection = 1 extra chapter

add 10 power stones per day = 2 extra chapters

This is my first ever novel. 🙂

photo used as cover is not mine.

https://m.webnovel.com/book/there's-something-wrong-with-you-my-lord_26060995805883205

![alternatetext] (https://pasteboard.co/o6Mwm9kdloMJ.jpg)

    La_wyrd

    Here's your review. To be honest, I like your storyline. However, something about your wording throws me off all around. You have a lot of work to do.

    1. Your characters lacked a whole lot of description.

    For example, all I know that Kai is white, Lucifer is black, Sia is white.

    Or you kidding me? Are you seriously telling your readers only about their hair colour?

    1. The situation in that mysterious building which I still had no idea what is it.

    Kai, walks in to an unknown building. Walking across more gates and doors.

    Then, there's five person waiting in that room.

    As I continued to read, there's this odd relationship going.

    So, Sia is the granddaughter. Lucifer is... father? Grandfather? And also his nameless wife.

    In Chapter 2, pops out a Leon, and his nameless wife. What is their relationship?

    Then, Sasha and Sarah pops up. Whose who's wife???

    Now I got confused who is the daughter in law, who is the grandmother.

    1. Grammar and spelling errors. (It's right below.)

    2. Not scary and terrifying enough to catch my attention.

    For example:

    A month ago, near the deep waters of the ocean. A figure walked along the shore with long white hair, seemingly unfazed by the rolling of thunder, and sparks of lightening, making a perfect background for the ascension of souls to hell.

    She was barefoot with a gown hung loosely on her shoulders. She seemed lost, but still moved forward anyway, eventually arriving at a desolate castle that seemed so out of place and wrong. Her face brightened at the sight of shelter, not knowing the dangers that awaits within.

    Sia stepped in, found a suitable place to rest and lay on it. She glanced around, putting her environment to memory and checking for any unknown danger. before she knew it, she dozed off.

    It wasn't long when she started resting that she felt a weight pressing on her palms and feet.

    'What the...' she couldn't finish the thought since she suddenly screamed. Quickly gaining her senses, she was shocked by the sight in front of her.

    A creature with a body so incorpeal, she could gaze past it, was staring at her with it's hollow eyes.

    It didn't take a second before she knew what she was looking at.

    'A spirit!' Shocked out of her senses she tried to move out of the way but realized to her horro that it wasn't just one. She was sorrounded by spirits with each one scarier than the first.

    Sia experienced true fear for the first time. Her heart was beating so fast her chest hurt. But that wasn't an excuse for the spirits not to lunge at her. She ran. She didn't know how she was seemingly faster than the spirits but still ran.

    'Maybe it's the adrenaline' she thought.

    But that didn't last for long. The spirits dearly craved her living soul. They followed her with craziness in their movements and frenzied whispers. She was sorrounded. Again.

    With no option left, She made a crazy decision and jumped into the cursed waters, hardly creating any ripple on its surface. The spirits stopped, shivered in fear and headed back.

    Dude, you need serious proofreading.

    Here's my version:

    A month ago, near the waters of the ocean-- a figure with long white hair, walked along the shore.

    She had a gown hung loosely on her shoulders and her feet bared.

    Despite the rolling and crashing lightnings from the red sky, the pouring rain, the roaring waves of the seas-- the girl seemed unfazed, as she was lost.

    Eventually, she saw a desolate castle that seemed so out of place.

    'Wasn't this place a gateway to hell?' She thought.

    However, her face brightened at the sight of the shelter.

    The girl hurriedly ran towards the castle and make her way through the heavy gates and doors.

    As expected, the castle is dark. There's no one here but her alone. But the fact that she finally escaped from the harsh environment, made her felt relief and eventually dozed off.

    ...Until she felt a weight pressing on her arms and feet.

    "!?"

    Quickly regaining her senses, the girl opened her eyes, only to find that she's having trouble to move.

    Green lights of floating flames lit up the entire castle.

    However, the girl's attention is completely robbed away by the dark figure that was pinning her hands.

    A flesh that was rotten till its bones were visible, yet so incorporeal that she could gaze past it. Although terrified, at the same time, she was filled with curiosity. She raised her head......

    ......just to notice that the dark figure with hollow eyes, is staring at her with a wide and disturbing grin.

    "Freeessssh...... body......... soouuuuuuul...!!!" The creature screeched.

    His rotten face and teeth shocked her to the core. It didn't take a second before she knew what she was looking at.

    "NO-- GET OFF ME...!!!"

    Shocked out of her senses, the girl struggled as hard as she could, but she couldn't break free.

    ...Until the dark figure opens his mouth.

    The dark figure's mouth opens wide, till its face tore off-- till its mouth could swallow the girl's head in whole. Inside the figure's mouth, lies white figures of people's soul, screaming and crying for help.

    "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" The girl screamed, after witnessing this horror.

    The girl finally experienced true fear for the first time. Her heart was beats so fast that her chest hurt, but she couldn't care less.

    She mustered all her strength and finally broke free.

    Yet, only to realize she wasn't surrounded by just two spirits.

    The spirits with their moaning and thirst for a living soul, are approaching her.

    Every possible exit was sealed, but one door. Though it was narrow, but she think she could make it if she tried.

    The girl, dragged her exhausted body and ran towards the door.

    Using last ounce of strength, she pushed the door wide...

    "SOULLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!"

    ...just to find more despair.

    It was a backyard, filled with countless graves, and countless dark figures.

    Yet, among those-- only a small lake remained untainted.

    The girl had no time to think. She could not back off, nor she could advance forward. She had been struggling from the clutches of the dark figures.

    Thus, she made a choice.

    The girl, jumped.

    She jumped into the lake that created no ripple on its surface.

    P.S.

    Why on earth am I even doing this...? I kinda regret this. But oh well, take it as you see fit. I wish to have more than five chapters in return. How about 20?

        prajnya_shriyan

        You review.

        Here's your paragraph in Chapter 12:

        I was so so angry. I wanted to change the group badly. Sister Margaret had already warned us but I wanted to give it a try. I quickly ran to the staff room. "Sister, may I come in?" I asked her. "Yes" she said. I went inside. "Sister please, I can't work with Katie and Emma. Everything is going to be burdened on me. They are not going to contribute anything to this. Please please put me in some other group." I begged. "Well, if they don't contribute they will mess up while presenting on Monday. You three are in a group but every student will get different marks on the basis of your explanation and you know that. You'll meet many people like these in your life. It's a challenge for you to how to get your work done from them. I know you can do this" she said and smiled. "Ok sister" I said and left sadly. At evening I tried calling Katie but she wasn't picking up my call. 'Oh god! How am I going to go through this?" I said angrily and banged my hand on my study table hard.

        So... who are you trying to kill? Your reader's eyes?

        Are you that lazy that you can't even separate your sentences? It gets worse by each chapter. No matter how good is your storyline, it's still trash because you can't even separate that.

        I'm really surprised there are people saying it's a good start out there. Have some shame, review swappers. If all you want is five stars just do it on your own.

        Now I will be listing down the problems:

        1. Each sentence are too short. Means, no description. No emotions. Only contains simple actions.
        2. SEPERATE YOUR SENTENCES.
        3. Interaction between Sister Margaret is too bland.

        It was like:
        "I don't wanna!!!"
        "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
        "...Ok."

        1. Paywalls? Like, seriously? You locked your chapters so fast?
        2. It's like you are writing a report, or either a diary reporting your daily life.

        Now I will give you what you want:

        ...I was angry.

        Emma didn't even bothered to give me a reply. Oh... I want to change this group so badly. I don't care what Sister Margaret warned.

        Even though I was angry, I calmed myself and headed to the staff room.

        "Sister, may I come in?" I asked her after knocking the door twice.

        "Yes." She replied.

        "Sister please, I can't work with Katie and Emma. I've tried reaching them for days, and when I did-- they told me they were tired, and ignored me!" I complained to Sister Margaret with my hands placed on the desk. "Please, Sister Margaret...! Please put me to another group...!"

        "I know. I understand. If Katie and Emma really did not contribute, then they will surely mess up during their presentation." Sister Margaret replied. "You three are in a group, but you do know every student will get different marks on the basis of your explanation."

        "I know, Sister, but--"

        "What if the other group behaves like this?" Sister Margaret questioned me with a smile. "Are you going to change groups by then?"

        "I......" I find myself to be in a loss of words.

        Upon watching my reaction, Sister Margaret smiled.

        "You'll meet many people like these in your life. It's just getting a work done from them. Why not take this as a challenge?" Sister Margaret murmured. "Life is harsh, and yet people will grew by overcoming challenges. And when they looked back, they had already turned over a new leaf. If it's you, I know you can do this. "

        Sister Margaret is right. There's no choice.

        "...Okay, Sister Margaret." I replied softly, and exited the room.

        After a while, I tried calling Katie at evening, like she said.

        But she's not picking up my call!!!

        "Oh god! I want to change my group!!!" I said angrily and slammed my study table.

        P.S.

        I will be expecting a fair exchange. Looking forward to it.

            LuciferVermillion Ok, so first of all thank you for your honest review. I'll review yours once I'm done reading. Is it just this chapter or you didn't like the whole thing?

                prajnya_shriyan

                I read till Chapter 12.

                There are no problems with the storyline, I just hope there are more regarding to the MC's actions instead of simple words like:

                I ran. --> I stormed to the staff room.
                I went in. --> I went in, after knocking the door twice and waiting for a respond.
                I was so so angry. --> I was furious at Emma. How could she do this to me?!
                I wanted to change the group badly. --> I've had enough! I don't want to be in this group!!!

                And interactions such as their expression, the way they talk, etc:
                "Sister, may I come in?"
                "Yes"
                "Sister, I can't blah blah blah..."
                "Well, blah blah blah..."
                "Ok sister"

                Well, I thought she's angry? Which part of it sounds like she's angry? And why is Sister Margaret like a robot just those lines and bam, yes, there, she's convinced.

                    LuciferVermillion No, just chapter 2. Can you review it? I will also do the same for your book. I want an honest review, and I can see that you give honest reviews. If you decide to give it a review, here's the title 'A Match Made in Hell: When a Devil and a Desperate Woman Collide'

                        Stardreamer12

                        Here's your review.

                        1. Ahhh, the deep desire to dominate and possess the woman. Such twisted love.
                        2. The twisted woman, desiring a child.
                        3. The twisted man, desiring love and family.

                        I sounded like a freak, but that's okay. It means I approved your work that much.

                        However, it's a typical story, if you ask me. I had seen too much of this type of situation.

                        So, here's the question you should ask yourself. What can you do to make it more interesting?

                        I have a few suggestions here:

                        1. Liezel wants to have a child. But is age really the only factor that she wants a child? Why does she wants a child for? Because she desires her own family? This means she have been living in a corrupted family without love, right? Then you could write the process of her growing to be the strong woman as she it now, it serves as a good encouragement.

                        2. Why is Light so possessive about Liezel? He's a rich boy, yet no woman could satisfy him but her. So what was the fact that Liezel is the special one to him? Is it because he wasn't loved enough and suffered loneliness? Is it because he knew she didn't want him for money? Or maybe all he want is just to impress his parents? You could write the pain and loneliness he went through.

                        3. Or maybe think out of a box a little, a play something different. Like, showing how twisted their love is towards each other. Maybe Liezel would get rid of every woman that went near him, or, Light would always keep Liezel within line of sight, 24/7.

                        In the end, it's just a suggestion. I'm not a fan of such twisted love, haha.

                        P.S.
                        There's not much I could give because there's only 5 chapters, or make that four. It's your first time writing, right? I don't see any problems with your grammars, sentences and storyline so meh, good job.

                            LuciferVermillion
                            Howdy!
                            Can I borrow some of your time for a review swap perhaps? I believe mine will be well-spent with your work.
                            Mine is a age-restricted novel because the foundations of the story are quite the sturdy material to hammer. I believe there is no overly explicit scenes nor whatsoever romance to find so far.
                            Still, I hope there'll be enough to catch your attention.
                            You can find it here!
                            Have a nice day.

                                LuciferVermillion thank you, english is not my language and maybe this is why it is hard to read this. I read few chapters of your story (I will continue soon) and your style is hard for me 😅 You will get review but I need some time.

                                    LuciferVermillion I want to fix grammar issues but I don't want to change my style.... Friends promised me to help but it ended on promises sadly and I'm trying to do this alone 😰 But thank you very much for being honest

                                      LuciferVermillion
                                      Thanks a lot. I really like this. I'm a new writer so I'm not that experienced. But the difference is obvious, I could picture the scene clearly. I will make sure to be more descriptive in my future chapters. And make amends to the previous chapters.

                                          Stardreamer12

                                          Uh, no. I wondered why people keeps misunderstood that it's a harem/incest. Despite how many female characters there are, but those also goes with the male characters too. Instead of harem, it's more like multiple couples.

                                              Mayline_Carraro

                                              I read tilll Chapter 19.

                                              Here's your review:

                                              1. Oh la la. Well done. Truly a well done.

                                              However, I find the storyline to be a little... classic? There goes a prince. A mysterious sword. An evil dragon. The death of friends in order to grow.

                                              But that's ok, fantasy novels usually goes like this.

                                              Still, there's a reason why I won't be giving rated reviews.

                                              Because I don't like classic old fantasy anymore. To me, swords, magic and something evil is already a relic of the past. That's why my work goes more to... something much closer to reality. I don't need any big boss with mysterious power.

                                              Anyways, truly splendid. And I'm envious you had an editor. Btw, are those pictures you put at almost every chapter meant for imagination?

                                              Oh well, here's my work: The Impossible Fate That Leads To A God Of A New World

                                              And I suggest maybe you could start from Chapter 3.

                                                  LuciferVermillion
                                                  From chapter three? I'll give your work a proper go so from point-blank and give it a frank go at once.

                                                  Thanks for your time, thanks for your point of view, I had yet to see this kind of defect to a story, indeed a classical can be quite boring.

                                                  For the pictures, I find it precise as a color guide more than an imagination shackle. The mood of each chapter can be felt through the few images I've chosen (warmth, coldness, fantasy, richness of the experience (mc going out of his routine)

                                                  Have a great day, see you in your work.

                                                      If anyone is interested in review and collection swap then here's my book. Will review yours after you are done reviewing mine.
                                                      Link: https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/25800187705948605?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4317414678

                                                      For WSA 2023~
                                                      Warning: mature content is present, read at your own risk.

                                                      -

                                                      Despite her trying to sound cool, he could hear her slight pants.

                                                      "What were you doing?" He asked, forgetting everything.

                                                      That's how it was for them. They could be in the middle of the most serious issue yet the slightest change in their breathing would make the other curious.

                                                      "If I say that I was, or more like, am fingering myself while thinking about you, would you come here and f*ck me?" She said while putting two fingers inside of herself.

                                                      A moan left her lips and his d*ck hardens on the other side.

                                                      "F*ck, Andrew, ah," she was moaning on purpose, to get a reaction out of him.

                                                      She wanted to test him till he breaks and later fulfilled her with his entire being.

                                                      She knew that she wasn't supposed to want him and so did he but the heart wants what the heart wants.

                                                      And forbidden fruits always taste better.

                                                      -

                                                      Tangled by an interesting past, lust, and underworld matters. And most importantly heart.

                                                      Both of them refused to fall for the other again but for how long? In this twisted game called lust, would they end up falling for each other?

                                                        If anyone is interested in review and collection swap then here's my book. Will review yours after you are done reviewing mine.
                                                        Link: https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/25800187705948605?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4317414678

                                                        For WSA 2023~
                                                        Warning: mature content is present, read at your own risk.

                                                        -

                                                        Despite her trying to sound cool, he could hear her slight pants.

                                                        "What were you doing?" He asked, forgetting everything.

                                                        That's how it was for them. They could be in the middle of the most serious issue yet the slightest change in their breathing would make the other curious.

                                                        "If I say that I was, or more like, am fingering myself while thinking about you, would you come here and f*ck me?" She said while putting two fingers inside of herself.

                                                        A moan left her lips and his d*ck hardens on the other side.

                                                        "F*ck, Andrew, ah," she was moaning on purpose, to get a reaction out of him.

                                                        She wanted to test him till he breaks and later fulfilled her with his entire being.

                                                        She knew that she wasn't supposed to want him and so did he but the heart wants what the heart wants.

                                                        And forbidden fruits always taste better.

                                                        -

                                                        Tangled by an interesting past, lust, and underworld matters. And most importantly heart.

                                                        Both of them refused to fall for the other again but for how long? In this twisted game called lust, would they end up falling for each other?

                                                          LuciferVermillion LuciferVermillion
                                                          To be fair, I wasn't expecting a pink cat-girl to be part of the main intrigue

                                                          I'll go beyond anything the current comments consider cringe, I love this kind of sauce, to be fair I'm missing the nostalgia and it's much welcomed. There are a lot of people complaining about thing's they've once loved in their teens.
                                                          I happened to find some random capital letters amidst sentences, also I've noticed you're not always using the same kind of apostrophe sometimes which enhance a kind of irregularity of your writing style ''' ```` ’’’. I know, the difference is slim but noticeable still.

                                                          You've added parenthesis in the mc's speech in the first chapter to explain the reader who was Pearl, I don't think it's a smart way to introduce a character.

                                                          You've picked up a nice atmosphere and a fine world-building. I like the way you can describe living things moving around, it gets me into the story easily.

                                                          Chapter three is THICC

                                                          There is a very lot of mechanisms explained for the first ten chapters, quite the toll to learn for a new reader
                                                          I liked the humour but the sexy-ish bits feel a little forced. Magic - ranks - the many animals Lucifer has, next to it the instructions he had for his meeting at the academy feels a little dull.
                                                          Thankfully there aren't plenty of new characters to introduce at once.

                                                          Finally, I don't like capitals letters for loud noises or shouts. You've performed well for moans, whispers and so on by depicting the character and its actions instead of (idk by what magic) shrinking the letters
                                                          The same should go for shouted text, describe it more to give it life and sense instead of a literal bug on the screen.

                                                          That's it for now, I'm enjoying the reading so far, there isn't much I can add besides a few comments for ow, I'll be continuing it some more later, you got me curious.

                                                                Web Novel Novel Ask