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MayDreamer

Sure. Will be waiting.

La_wyrd

Will be waiting for your review.

Mayline_Carraro

Thank you for your review.

Huh? A different apostrophe? Crap, the chapters are so long that I missed them during proofreading.

Ah, maybe I should've just cut off the White Snake part.

Thank you for pointing out the mistakes. I was going to re-edit them sooner or later since they are free chapters.

Mayline_Carraro

I read tilll Chapter 19.

Here's your review:

1. Oh la la. Well done. Truly a well done.

However, I find the storyline to be a little... classic? There goes a prince. A mysterious sword. An evil dragon. The death of friends in order to grow.

But that's ok, fantasy novels usually goes like this.

Still, there's a reason why I won't be giving rated reviews.

Because I don't like classic old fantasy anymore. To me, swords, magic and something evil is already a relic of the past. That's why my work goes more to... something much closer to reality. I don't need any big boss with mysterious power.

Anyways, truly splendid. And I'm envious you had an editor. Btw, are those pictures you put at almost every chapter meant for imagination?

Oh well, here's my work: The Impossible Fate That Leads To A God Of A New World

And I suggest maybe you could start from Chapter 3.

Stardreamer12

Uh, no. I wondered why people keeps misunderstood that it's a harem/incest. Despite how many female characters there are, but those also goes with the male characters too. Instead of harem, it's more like multiple couples.

Stardreamer12

Here's your review.

1. Ahhh, the deep desire to dominate and possess the woman. Such twisted love.
2. The twisted woman, desiring a child.
3. The twisted man, desiring love and family.

I sounded like a freak, but that's okay. It means I approved your work that much.

However, it's a typical story, if you ask me. I had seen too much of this type of situation.

So, here's the question you should ask yourself. What can you do to make it more interesting?

I have a few suggestions here:

1. Liezel wants to have a child. But is age really the only factor that she wants a child? Why does she wants a child for? Because she desires her own family? This means she have been living in a corrupted family without love, right? Then you could write the process of her growing to be the strong woman as she it now, it serves as a good encouragement.

2. Why is Light so possessive about Liezel? He's a rich boy, yet no woman could satisfy him but her. So what was the fact that Liezel is the special one to him? Is it because he wasn't loved enough and suffered loneliness? Is it because he knew she didn't want him for money? Or maybe all he want is just to impress his parents? You could write the pain and loneliness he went through.

3. Or maybe think out of a box a little, a play something different. Like, showing how twisted their love is towards each other. Maybe Liezel would get rid of every woman that went near him, or, Light would always keep Liezel within line of sight, 24/7.

In the end, it's just a suggestion. I'm not a fan of such twisted love, haha.

P.S.
There's not much I could give because there's only 5 chapters, or make that four. It's your first time writing, right? I don't see any problems with your grammars, sentences and storyline so meh, good job.

Stardreamer12

...Err, does Chapter 1 to 5 contains R18 scenes?

prajnya_shriyan

I read till Chapter 12.

There are no problems with the storyline, I just hope there are more regarding to the MC's actions instead of simple words like:

I ran. --> I stormed to the staff room.
I went in. --> I went in, after knocking the door twice and waiting for a respond.
I was so so angry. --> I was furious at Emma. How could she do this to me?!
I wanted to change the group badly. --> I've had enough! I don't want to be in this group!!!

And interactions such as their expression, the way they talk, etc:
"Sister, may I come in?"
"Yes"
"Sister, I can't blah blah blah..."
"Well, blah blah blah..."
"Ok sister"

Well, I thought she's angry? Which part of it sounds like she's angry? And why is Sister Margaret like a robot just those lines and bam, yes, there, she's convinced.

MayDreamer

I'm done with yours. I had to say, that's some major improvement. I remember that last time I read your Irene is really a pain in the neck.

I see you have been writing diligently since then.

Anyways, you are good to go.

It's just that... the name. I've commented about that. It's up to you to change it or not.

And next time, please don't suggest BL/Yaoi genres to me. I was very disturbed. I would feel a whole lot better if it's a normal boy x girl couple.

La_wyrd

Here's your review. To be honest, I like your storyline. However, something about your wording throws me off all around. You have a lot of work to do.

1. Your characters lacked a whole lot of description.

For example, all I know that Kai is white, Lucifer is black, Sia is white.

Or you kidding me? Are you seriously telling your readers only about their hair colour?

2. The situation in that mysterious building which I still had no idea what is it.

Kai, walks in to an unknown building. Walking across more gates and doors.

Then, there's five person waiting in that room.

As I continued to read, there's this odd relationship going.

So, Sia is the granddaughter. Lucifer is... father? Grandfather? And also his nameless wife.

In Chapter 2, pops out a Leon, and his nameless wife. What is their relationship?

Then, Sasha and Sarah pops up. Whose who's wife???

Now I got confused who is the daughter in law, who is the grandmother.

3. Grammar and spelling errors. (It's right below.)

4. Not scary and terrifying enough to catch my attention.

For example:

A month ago, near the deep waters of the ocean. A figure walked along the shore with long white hair, seemingly unfazed by the rolling of thunder, and sparks of lightening, making a perfect background for the ascension of souls to hell.

She was barefoot with a gown hung loosely on her shoulders. She seemed lost, but still moved forward anyway, eventually arriving at a desolate castle that seemed so out of place and wrong. Her face brightened at the sight of shelter, not knowing the dangers that awaits within.

Sia stepped in, found a suitable place to rest and lay on it. She glanced around, putting her environment to memory and checking for any unknown danger. before she knew it, she dozed off.

It wasn't long when she started resting that she felt a weight pressing on her palms and feet.

'What the...' she couldn't finish the thought since she suddenly screamed. Quickly gaining her senses, she was shocked by the sight in front of her.

A creature with a body so incorpeal, she could gaze past it, was staring at her with it's hollow eyes.

It didn't take a second before she knew what she was looking at.

'A spirit!' Shocked out of her senses she tried to move out of the way but realized to her horro that it wasn't just one. She was sorrounded by spirits with each one scarier than the first.

Sia experienced true fear for the first time. Her heart was beating so fast her chest hurt. But that wasn't an excuse for the spirits not to lunge at her. She ran. She didn't know how she was seemingly faster than the spirits but still ran.

'Maybe it's the adrenaline' she thought.

But that didn't last for long. The spirits dearly craved her living soul. They followed her with craziness in their movements and frenzied whispers. She was sorrounded. Again.

With no option left, She made a crazy decision and jumped into the cursed waters, hardly creating any ripple on its surface. The spirits stopped, shivered in fear and headed back.

Dude, you need serious proofreading.

Here's my version:

A month ago, near the waters of the ocean-- a figure with long white hair, walked along the shore.

She had a gown hung loosely on her shoulders and her feet bared.

Despite the rolling and crashing lightnings from the red sky, the pouring rain, the roaring waves of the seas-- the girl seemed unfazed, as she was lost.

Eventually, she saw a desolate castle that seemed so out of place.

'Wasn't this place a gateway to hell?' She thought.

However, her face brightened at the sight of the shelter.

The girl hurriedly ran towards the castle and make her way through the heavy gates and doors.

As expected, the castle is dark. There's no one here but her alone. But the fact that she finally escaped from the harsh environment, made her felt relief and eventually dozed off.

...Until she felt a weight pressing on her arms and feet.

"!?"

Quickly regaining her senses, the girl opened her eyes, only to find that she's having trouble to move.

Green lights of floating flames lit up the entire castle.

However, the girl's attention is completely robbed away by the dark figure that was pinning her hands.

A flesh that was rotten till its bones were visible, yet so incorporeal that she could gaze past it. Although terrified, at the same time, she was filled with curiosity. She raised her head......

......just to notice that the dark figure with hollow eyes, is staring at her with a wide and disturbing grin.

"Freeessssh...... body......... soouuuuuuul...!!!" The creature screeched.

His rotten face and teeth shocked her to the core. It didn't take a second before she knew what she was looking at.

"NO-- GET OFF ME...!!!"

Shocked out of her senses, the girl struggled as hard as she could, but she couldn't break free.

...Until the dark figure opens his mouth.

The dark figure's mouth opens wide, till its face tore off-- till its mouth could swallow the girl's head in whole. Inside the figure's mouth, lies white figures of people's soul, screaming and crying for help.

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" The girl screamed, after witnessing this horror.

The girl finally experienced true fear for the first time. Her heart was beats so fast that her chest hurt, but she couldn't care less.

She mustered all her strength and finally broke free.

Yet, only to realize she wasn't surrounded by just two spirits.

The spirits with their moaning and thirst for a living soul, are approaching her.

Every possible exit was sealed, but one door. Though it was narrow, but she think she could make it if she tried.

The girl, dragged her exhausted body and ran towards the door.

Using last ounce of strength, she pushed the door wide...

"SOULLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!"

...just to find more despair.

It was a backyard, filled with countless graves, and countless dark figures.

Yet, among those-- only a small lake remained untainted.

The girl had no time to think. She could not back off, nor she could advance forward. She had been struggling from the clutches of the dark figures.

Thus, she made a choice.

The girl, jumped.

She jumped into the lake that created no ripple on its surface.

P.S.

Why on earth am I even doing this...? I kinda regret this. But oh well, take it as you see fit. I wish to have more than five chapters in return. How about 20?

ShadowNovaS

Almost forgot. Here is my work: The Impossible Fate That Leads To A God Of A New World

ShadowNovaS

I think I will write my review here because I think it will be harsh. I won't be giving any rated reviews for this.

It's your first time writing a novel, right?

I will take a few paragraphs here.

1. Just a few minutes ago I was going to the designated address to see the apartment I wanted to rent. Small dirty street with several entrances to staircases. Not a crowded place. Something very rare in New York, but it also showed that this place is not nice... But cheap.

2. Someone suddenly came up to me. A hood on his head, a pocket knife in his hand... This is a bad sign.

3. -OK, redhead, give me money and I will not hurt you - he had a very confident attitude.

4. I shivered slightly. This was the first time I found myself in such a situation. I was in a losing position as someone without any tools.

5. - Uh... Yes, sure... Just calm down. I don't want problems here - I replied and reached into my pocket.

6. I did it too fast. He reacted. His attitude changed immediately and he jumped in my direction to stab me. I moved in at the last moment and avoided getting hurt.

I don't really know what to say about this. It's full of error all over the place. Maybe I will show you my style.

Just a few minutes ago I was going to the designated address, to check on the apartment I wanted to rent. It's not as crowded as I think it was, such was a really rare scene in a city like New York. The streets around here are dirty, as expected, but I'm willing to rent here-- all for the cheap rent.

Just when I was looking around, trying to look for that place-- I noticed a hooded man was looking at me with a disturbing look.

...This seems like a bad sign.

-Ok, redhead. Hand over your money.- He said to me as he pulled out a pocket knife from his pocket, approaching me.

"!?" I was stunned.

W-Wait, is this really happening?! Is he going to rob me...!?

-Okay! Okay! I will just give you the money-- just calm down, okay!?- I replied while reaching my pocket.

Pepper spray, stun gun-- crap, I forgot to bring my tools today...!?

When I realized, that guy pounced towards me. It seems that guy realized what I was trying to do.

I reluctantly took a back step at the last moment, dodging his knife.

What do you think? Is it smoother?

You are using first person narrative, I think what you are doing there is telling a story instead of being in a story. Be clear of what you want. You need to tell your readers what your MC is feeling during that moment.

P.S.

I wrote my review here. Hope you would give me a fair exchange in return.

Vigilant_Dreamer
I think I will write my review here because I think it will be harsh.

For your first time writing a novel, I think it's superb. But then again, AS YOUR FIRST TIME.

1. You grammars are astounding. I'm somewhat jealous in this aspect. However, there are some narration sentence that I saw some unnecessary 'exclamation mark' that throws me off when I was reading.

2. And sometimes I find your sentence being too wordy, and difficult to be understood.

For Example:
At that moment one of the two stars that was small enough to go unnoticed in the sky but still seemed to grab the attention of the viewer shined brighter and brighter with different colors! Phantasia turned her head towards the sky before noticing the sudden change in the star, she couldn't help but to turn even happier!

They soon reached the pillar as Arima took the initiative to site down while leaning his back against it. He looked at Phantasia before patting the place besides him. She smiled mischievously behind the veil before bending down and placing her soft and supple buttocks against Arima's lap.

i. I was like, what? Why is the narration getting excited all of a sudden?
ii. Okay, so did Phantasia turned her head to look at the star before the star shone brighter or after it shone brighter?
iii. The transitions between each paragraphs weren't smooth enough.
iv. Who is pulling who towards the pillar? Arima or Phantasia?
v. Is it really necessary to sit down?
vi. Arima looked at Phantasia before patting the place besides him?

How about like this:
At that moment, the tiny star that shined with variety of colours, grew brighter. It was originally unnoticed all along, caught Phantasia's attention, and she immediately looked up so that she could see the stars. She can't help but to be giggle with happiness when she noticed the change of that star.

Eventually, they reached the pillar.

Arima took the initiative to sit down first, leaning his back against the pillar. He then looked at Phantasia and patted the place next to him, telling her to sit right next to him.

Behind her veil, Phantasia smiled mischievously.

She nonchalantly sat and placed her soft and supple buttocks against Arima's lap before he could react.

Isn't it better? At least it's smoother.

3. You don't have to pack two to three sentences in one paragraph. Sometimes splitting them to several paragraphs could make your readers gain their focus back.

4. Your world background is good, but not for your storyline. I've read 9 chapters for now, but I still had no idea what is your goal in this story. This also means, I've spent time reading 9000+ words just to watch Luke/Arima dream a lot, and one day doing a handjob and met his wifey from the past, Phantasia.

You wasted your first few golden chapters that was supposed to catch the reader's attention.

It's fine if you want to keep it this way, or change it. But you seriously need a prologue to give your readers a preparation of what to expect, and to catch their attention.

Maybe a harem scene right from the start?

5. You seemed to be at a loss for trying to write a story. Draft your plot first before you actually start writing. Make sure everything's clear.

There's more, but I will stop for now until you could make do with the... wordy and uncanny descriptions, storyline.

How is it? Are you having a hard time reading my review? Or maybe you weren't expecting this right off the bat?

If you think what I wrote here isn't worth of your attention, feel free to ignore it. But I honestly think there's lots of improvements.

P.S.
Oh by the way, I hope I could receive a sincere review in return instead of just one chapter. Maybe you can read the first 9 chapters in my story, as a fair exchange.

To begin with, I don't need any 5 star reviews. I only want to know what can I do just to improve.

Hope you aren't like the others that reads only one chapter and leave a five star review.

MayDreamer Oh it's you. Will do. I will check it later.

Vigilant_Dreamer Hello, I saw you posting forums everywhere.

Anyways, are you interested in doing an honest review swap with me? My chapters are a little long, but I don't mind even if you read only a little.
What I want isn't a review that says 'Wow, this is interesting I really love this.' and they didn't read and even mispelled the name.
I want to know what's good, what's bad.
In short, a criticism.
I could really use some of this here. Of course, I would do the same in return. How does this sounds to you?
Here's the link: The Impossible Fate That Leads To A God Of A New World

Anyone wants to do mine? I could really use some honest feedback here. Of course, I will do the same in return.
The Impossible Fate That Leads To A God Of A New World

MayDreamer

Hello. By chance I saw your forum in 'Review swap must go both ways!!'. It's been a while since I leave a review. I have been stopping to swap due to empty reviews which even got the characters and names of my work wrong. I'm interested in having a review swap with you.

Here's the link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/the-impossible-fate-that-leads-to-a-god-of-a-new-world_18253899106053005

And just to let you know, I would leave a review after I read the entire work (so it would take some time, probably a week or more because you have 51 chapters), unless it's really unbearable (grammar errors) that I had to put a review immediately.

I would mainly review about the plot, characters, world background, I guess. Writing quality would depend on your grammar which I'm especially picky about, and of course, full star for update stability because I don't really care.

Are you interested?

P.S. You don't have to rush for a review on mine, but I would suggest that you could do so after you reached the latest chapter.

Anime novel?

Here's mine.
All artworks and illustration were drawn by me, it's still ongoing.

https://www.webnovel.com/book/the-impossible-fate-that-leads-to-a-god-of-a-new-world_18253899106053005

Genre: Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Romance, Action, Adventure, School Life, Comedy, Male Lead, Secret Identity, Slice Of Life, Strategy, Martial arts, Magic, Supernatural

Chapters: 75

Word Count: 179.5k

Status: Ongoing

Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/the-impossible-fate-that-leads-to-a-god-of-a-new-world_18253899106053005

Description:

What is fate?

Is it something that was destined to happen?

Can it be changed?

No. If it can be changed, it would't be known as fate, isn't it?

They say that fate can be control in our hands.

Then, is it possible to take everything in total control in my hands?, I wondered.

No, whatever the results is, I'm sure this was fated to happen under my control.

This world... will surely go along with my favor.

................

"PLEASE!!! I BEG OF YOU!!! Join the Imperial Knights Academy as a special student or else I will be fired!!!"

With such a line thrown to him, the 16-year-old human, Lucifer Nightwalker von Nightmare, an orphan who was stranded on an island with his little sister and magical pet-- was forced to compromise and attend the famous Imperial Knights Academy as a special student.

While spending 3 years in the academy, he would meet his fated ones.

After he graduates, he would then become an adventurer to explore the world, unlocking the secrets behind.

This, will be the starting of his journey.

In a world of sci-fi and fantasy.

Humans, beast-kins, dragons, vampires, elves, fairies, spirits, dyrads, archangels, demons, dwarves, magical beasts, and much more, co-exist.

Which later then, he would become a king-- leading everyone to challenge against the Celestial Gods.

However, that was the boy's fate.

......................................

Everything begins with that fateful meeting six years ago. His fateful meeting with the principal of The Imperial Knights Academy.

Yet, it wasn't even the beginning of fate.

.....................................

Updates: At least once a week.