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DKQ Thanks for your time and the review. I took note of everything you mentioned, and I'll rectify them in the later chapters. Thanks again :)

TrueDawn You have mastered the way of introduction my friend! That was the best quote I have seen that has been used on introduction, I wish others will also learn on this type of writing. We have a bloody bodybuilding fanatic, this alone is a motivation form for the male protagonist. This implies that we will have tons of cultivation but that also mean many fights to come. The mistakes are minimal but the thing that caught my attention the most is the use of transitional phrases (A discussion of transition strategies and specific transitional phrases) we are talking about emphasizing on something, proving something, sequences and concluding. This issue relates mostly to those who fail to read out their writing (I had this issue before because English is my third language, I would read any phrase I type before posting it, might be bad to some but at least it is easier to read)

Your written words:
Surprisingly, he found out that the name of the past owner was also Shi Li. Shi Li was born in the Shi clan of the Verdant Breeze Town and he was the son of the Shi clan patriarch, Shi Xingwan.

My words if I wrote it:
Although this may be true, he found out that the name of the previous owner was Shi Li, notably Shi Li was born within the Shi Clan of the Verdant Breeze town. In other words, Shi Li was the son of the Shi Clan Patriarch, Shi Xingwan!

Transitional phrases may be used in various places in a text:

• between paragraphs
• between sentences
• between sentence parts
• within sentence parts

Hope this helped a bit with your work, I have read a bit and might continue reading it tomorrow as I have several novels to read tonight :) try to focus more on paragraph usage too but it is really insignificant at the moment while the phrasing is the only thing to improve. Good luck and keep up the good work!

Reference to Transitional phrase and word:
http://www.smart-words.org/linking-words/transition-words.html
https://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/Transitions.html

Scherazade Trust me, this is tough, I would love to and discord might be the last thing I do if this thread reaches 100+ posts. My favorite hobby is rating papers (in uni) where I can decide who fails and passes. If I feel like the essay of my fellow uni-mate is good, I give him a full grade while talking to him about his mistakes, sometimes I am bored enough to even take my Professor work and rate it alone.

Disciple Scherazade huehue sounds nice... help me out with rating if you are bored.

Scherazade I have to agree with you xD

DKQ Hello, it's me again hahaha before this thread blows up, I'll to shamelessly ask for another review of my main novel, I am planning to finish this soon and do a better reboot to prolong it, I would like for any mistake that I could change and apply to my remake in the future.

https://www.webnovel.com/book/10382098505022405/The-FPS-Deity

ZuluA#179154 I have been following your novel since the start! Loved it from how unique it was, somethings did annoy me though which is the numbers in the status system. It gets confusing in the long run where I had to re-read from chapter 1 again after a few days of not reading your novel. I might be inexperienced in novels but from the comment section itself, this seems to be a huge issue. To fix this we would need to go through v2.0 Idle system or v3.0 idle system which will permanently remove the idle speed and random 0/1 (a skill which suddenly became unimportant 4 chapters later). Here is a quote on how an Ideal system should be:

DKQ Points to think about before writing a system novel:
Instead of using numbers for attributes why not use letters? (Not everyone is good at math)
Classes are the most important thing in games and systems.
Never create a thousand skills and throw them, focus on one and evolve it
Reputation plays a big part in any system, create a page for it
Always simplify your Character status and do not make it 2 pages long
Every attribute is important, think before you upgrade your character
A level number is indeed important but how about changing it to [Normal 1, Rare 1, Epic 1... God 1...etc]

sounds simple and tidy to authors and readers. The first and second chapter of the Idle System is also part of this confusing cycle where I dropped the novel at first then re-read it, later on, to understand it furthermore than I did before.

Half a page for the status screen, that needs to be removed immediately! Do not ruin your novel for something inconvenience as being OP, there are many ways to do it. Grammar mistakes can be seen from time to time but it isn't that much which is why I would recommend the usage of Grammarly to fix that part.

After talking about the major issues of the novel let us talk about the synopsis, it is vague which means no one will bother reading it because the title contains everything (The Idle System). How to fix this? Re-work on the synopsis and make it a bit mysteries, the goal is to attract the reader into the story with something much more fabulous and alluring. How to do that? simple, follow what the site I will mention tells you and avoid the common mistakes.

Reference : http://www.writersdigest.com/editors-picks/learn-how-to-write-a-synopsis-like-a-pro

Hopefully, you don't ruin this masterpiece that I have been reading and upgrade it from being epic to legendary in the future, good luck with your novel and keep up the good work!

DKQ Are you talking to me or Pegazz ?

@DKQ wow, man!
You really review all these novels?
Respect man, deep respect!

DKQ I had thought that the use of adverbs should be kept at the minimum?

ZuluA Sorry about that, it was for Pegazz

TheAdventurer http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/dont-dismiss-adverbs

Too many things to do, already sat for 3 hours reading and reviewing. Hopefully this will help with your question :)

DKQ Thanks for the time, you're awesome bro

Cobyboy Oh yes, was waiting to review this lovely diamond. Let me first give you a pat on the back for learning from your mistakes during the first 10 chapters. The idea alone is worth mentioning over and over again due to a war-veteran being transmigrated into a different world after death. We got to see what happened after his death within his previous world and saw how he adapted to another world from going through challenges such as how will he replace the ammo, who is his friend and his enemy. That made me adapt the mentality from chapter 2 of not trusting anyone during the journey of the mighty General Gama!

The mistakes have been mostly fixed from chapter 1 such as Subjective Pronouns and Possessive pronouns. We can conclude that you have adapted the word writing style of our favorite translator StarveCleric, this is why I won't point out the minor mistakes. The major mistakes, on the other hand, is the world building, you are rushing through from being a supreme general to a king, if there is a role you need to stick to it for a time-length and not time-skip it as it will leave a bad taste in us, readers, because we wanted to know how the situation will be handled even if it was a few chapters.

World Building

• The events happening in the world itself
• Aftereffects of the male protagonist
• Culture
• religion
• Political World View
• History
• Sense (What it feels to be within the male protagonist place, being wet from rain and so on)
• Changes that occur from guns

You have met some of the requirements but at the same time you complicated the entire story, after chapter 100 what would the people think when reading? when will it end? That is the conclusion I can give you on this diamond, hopefully, more things will be introduced within the next few tens or hundreds of chapters! :)

DKQ Thanks, I'll try to not use the full system's page, just like the important parts during that part of the story. But I seriously can not think of how I would go without using numbers, the highest so far is 100 levels, which is nice and round and not complicated, can't separate the skills numbers with normal, rare, epic etc like what's highlighted either.

I am going to create an aux page to describe the immortal levels AFTER it's been show in the actual novel, and there won't be that many skills from now on to be honest (trying not to spoil anything).

It can be confusing at the start because of the status page but what can I do about it? It's when it first pops up a few times trying to show how it works.

DKQ <3 You already read it? OMG hahaha thank you so much, that's all i could say hahaha I'll do a better world building on my next novels, thank you :)

Pegazz It is a great novel but the numbers really was too much, you hand from power to cells (everything including brain, eyes and so on) I just want to recommend trying a path where its a few lines instead of a 100 lines. Simplify it and hopefully, that would make it the best :)

Cobyboy stopped at 43, planning to wait till it reaches chapter 100 because It pains me to wait for each chapter.

@DKQ Please take a look at mine as well.
https://www.webnovel.com/book/10599812306072605/The-Challenger
I started out a few weeks ago and have tons of mistakes, including some unused plots (<10 chaps). Please point out any mistakes and errors you find. I'll be very grateful!