DKQ Hello, it's me again hahaha before this thread blows up, I'll to shamelessly ask for another review of my main novel, I am planning to finish this soon and do a better reboot to prolong it, I would like for any mistake that I could change and apply to my remake in the future.
https://www.webnovel.com/book/10382098505022405/The-FPS-Deity
ZuluA#179154 I have been following your novel since the start! Loved it from how unique it was, somethings did annoy me though which is the numbers in the status system. It gets confusing in the long run where I had to re-read from chapter 1 again after a few days of not reading your novel. I might be inexperienced in novels but from the comment section itself, this seems to be a huge issue. To fix this we would need to go through v2.0 Idle system or v3.0 idle system which will permanently remove the idle speed and random 0/1 (a skill which suddenly became unimportant 4 chapters later). Here is a quote on how an Ideal system should be:
DKQ Points to think about before writing a system novel:
Instead of using numbers for attributes why not use letters? (Not everyone is good at math)
Classes are the most important thing in games and systems.
Never create a thousand skills and throw them, focus on one and evolve it
Reputation plays a big part in any system, create a page for it
Always simplify your Character status and do not make it 2 pages long
Every attribute is important, think before you upgrade your character
A level number is indeed important but how about changing it to [Normal 1, Rare 1, Epic 1... God 1...etc]
sounds simple and tidy to authors and readers. The first and second chapter of the Idle System is also part of this confusing cycle where I dropped the novel at first then re-read it, later on, to understand it furthermore than I did before.
Half a page for the status screen, that needs to be removed immediately! Do not ruin your novel for something inconvenience as being OP, there are many ways to do it. Grammar mistakes can be seen from time to time but it isn't that much which is why I would recommend the usage of Grammarly to fix that part.
After talking about the major issues of the novel let us talk about the synopsis, it is vague which means no one will bother reading it because the title contains everything (The Idle System). How to fix this? Re-work on the synopsis and make it a bit mysteries, the goal is to attract the reader into the story with something much more fabulous and alluring. How to do that? simple, follow what the site I will mention tells you and avoid the common mistakes.
Reference : http://www.writersdigest.com/editors-picks/learn-how-to-write-a-synopsis-like-a-pro
Hopefully, you don't ruin this masterpiece that I have been reading and upgrade it from being epic to legendary in the future, good luck with your novel and keep up the good work!
@DKQ wow, man!
You really review all these novels?
Respect man, deep respect!
ZuluA After reading the first chapter I stopped to conclude several mistakes, this will be short as I have a bad (good) feeling where more people will be asking me to review their novels (Uh). First will be the usage of commas, first paragraph first sentence:
The Silver Horned [Qilin,] is said to be one of the most extraordinary, unique and of course rarest magical creatures in existence.
This issue persists throughout the first chapter which led me to point it out to be the tall tree. Several Phrases issues can be seen in the first chapter such as all that, you all, freaking, yeah, I don't, really, didn't, thing, got and don't. A problem with sentences too which is barely on the average limit (35 words) and mostly on being short sentences throughout the entire chapter. I have noticed that the narrative way is going south during the first chapter from how you addressed the characters and this is a huge issue if it continues during the next 100 chapters because people will judge you based on that itself and not how good your masterpiece is.
Vocab words are a bit of an issue here as you established a 10th grader wording system in your first chapter which is why I would recommend you to relate to this site:
https://www.vocabulary.com/lists/23710
Read it once and you should be good to go after going through my other points, keep up your great work and good luck!
DKQ I had thought that the use of adverbs should be kept at the minimum?
TheAdventurer http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/dont-dismiss-adverbs
Too many things to do, already sat for 3 hours reading and reviewing. Hopefully this will help with your question :)
DKQ Thanks for the time, you're awesome bro
Cobyboy Oh yes, was waiting to review this lovely diamond. Let me first give you a pat on the back for learning from your mistakes during the first 10 chapters. The idea alone is worth mentioning over and over again due to a war-veteran being transmigrated into a different world after death. We got to see what happened after his death within his previous world and saw how he adapted to another world from going through challenges such as how will he replace the ammo, who is his friend and his enemy. That made me adapt the mentality from chapter 2 of not trusting anyone during the journey of the mighty General Gama!
The mistakes have been mostly fixed from chapter 1 such as Subjective Pronouns and Possessive pronouns. We can conclude that you have adapted the word writing style of our favorite translator StarveCleric, this is why I won't point out the minor mistakes. The major mistakes, on the other hand, is the world building, you are rushing through from being a supreme general to a king, if there is a role you need to stick to it for a time-length and not time-skip it as it will leave a bad taste in us, readers, because we wanted to know how the situation will be handled even if it was a few chapters.
You have met some of the requirements but at the same time you complicated the entire story, after chapter 100 what would the people think when reading? when will it end? That is the conclusion I can give you on this diamond, hopefully, more things will be introduced within the next few tens or hundreds of chapters! :)
DKQ Thanks, I'll try to not use the full system's page, just like the important parts during that part of the story. But I seriously can not think of how I would go without using numbers, the highest so far is 100 levels, which is nice and round and not complicated, can't separate the skills numbers with normal, rare, epic etc like what's highlighted either.
I am going to create an aux page to describe the immortal levels AFTER it's been show in the actual novel, and there won't be that many skills from now on to be honest (trying not to spoil anything).
It can be confusing at the start because of the status page but what can I do about it? It's when it first pops up a few times trying to show how it works.
Pegazz It is a great novel but the numbers really was too much, you hand from power to cells (everything including brain, eyes and so on) I just want to recommend trying a path where its a few lines instead of a 100 lines. Simplify it and hopefully, that would make it the best :)
Cobyboy stopped at 43, planning to wait till it reaches chapter 100 because It pains me to wait for each chapter.
@DKQ Please take a look at mine as well.
https://www.webnovel.com/book/10599812306072605/The-Challenger
I started out a few weeks ago and have tons of mistakes, including some unused plots (<10 chaps). Please point out any mistakes and errors you find. I'll be very grateful!
DKQ could u give me ur review?
Herr is my novel link
https://m.webnovel.com/book/10375200206022405
Btw, there may be some errors that are visible in the prologue, chapter 1,2 and 3. Because I'm trying to edit it myself. But it's been quite better in chapter 4 and so on .(someone helping me) But I do not know.
I really appreciate it if you want to give your opinion.
Thank you
Okay guys. Just a fair warning. What you guys are doing here is great, especially DKQ.
But with the current issues with inkstone/webnovel that is still being resolved. Just don't update your published chapters for changes for the meantime and just save them locally for now.
If you end up doing it in this chaos, you are likely to lose that chapter on Webnovel Table of Contents. So just be careful.
DKQ, love the work you are doing to help us original authors. =)
