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Sh4do please continue writing. Here's how I would write the beginning of your novel tho: Subject: "Enrich Your Life NOW - The Secret of the Super Wealthy!"

Sender: successguaranteed@richesgalore .n/a (Auhng: I put n/a here in case the .com makes webnovel think I'm spamming emails here. Pretend its .com)

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Sender: fightclub@streetsurvivor .n/a

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Just as he was about to log out, a notification chimed in from his social media app.

Notification: "@SarahBright added a new photo to their story!"

Sarah, his old friend, had posted a picture of her dog nestled between her and her husband on the couch, a happy family portrait. It stirred a longing within him.

Liked by @JakeStrong and 150 others.

Lucas added his own like, scrolling past a wave of envy.

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(insert your beginning/add more posts/maybe change it up to your style). This would be a more engaging hook.

Miss_Black05 I would say your beginning authors note can be a bit more concise and you should explain why you're writing the novel a bit. Instead of saying no criticism (as that'll open you to criticism), just say: dial down the harsh criticism, I know, I know, it's part of the process (As not all criticism is necessarily negative).

Also... your writing has some flow issues. 4th paragraph, no one messes me and has a happily ever after... should be a stand alone sentence. First sentence in novel could be separated into 2 sentences, or add... "a since I was swayed by the..." In the second paragraph, u can put consequences be damned as its own sentence, as both sentences in that paragraph have multiple dependent clauses (which you do a bit often). And the second sentence could be clarified using paragraphs, otherwise it feels like a run on. Overall, these things won't hinder me from reading.

Next chapter, "Well, at least she's pretty."... weird thing to say to someone you just meet. Maybe I would write, "well... at least she's..." Grasping his lips... he stopped. He had almost said it out loud. Pretty. (The part where you say: Unable to deny the undeniable is... umm... funny to me, but like not in a super good way, it could be less cheesy if you made it like in parentheses, like: (Well duh... Of course. That's undeniable). This way, it sounds more like the characters are acknowledging it rather than the author/narrator, which helps with the tone")

AuHNG I have reviewed it.. on the novel webpage on webnovel.

Hoku_1 bruh, why everyone attacking my writing style. It’s unconventional, not bad.

I just choose to write certain things a bit differently. (See, now, if you guys had advice, actual concrete advice about how to improve the writing style, then I might take the advice). As of right now, it like you guys see that the writing style is unconventional (especially at the beginning for the dream sequence, which I swap to a more conventional one later on), and then claim that the style is “bad”. The dream sequence… is a dream. Now, hopefully you have a flawless writing style… I don’t mind writing this way at the beginning, as it is partially foreshadowing. The structure is alluding to something…

Like guys, I’m literally a college student, who gets perfect scores when it comes to writing essays (humble brag thingz)… I know how to write conventional to a T.

As for tags, I don’t mind, for some reason, I get a lot of views regardless. I don’t know why. I got 2K views in one day.

Hoku_1

Your writing starts with a lot of dialogue sometimes, and I can see that you have very typical web novel writing style. Perhaps that is why you’re not used to my writing style, as it is based more on traditional literature writing, with a mix of my own writing quirks: mostly remediation of genre, adding cyberpunk and digital elements.

Critique: HAHA, in the beginning. You have 4 dialogues, with no dialogue, which can be done, but the HAHA belongs to the main character, someone distinct, someone important, so he should be the first to have a dialogue tag. The rest can work like that, because it doesn’t matter who says those. Actually, it doesn’t matter because it already is confusing. From the start, you introduce names rather than physical traits, so it makes the beginning confusing. A BIG PART OF THIS IS BECAUSE YOU WRITE: he kicked Jin woo. But Jin woo isn’t the one who says he’s crazy. I think you made a typo?

Second critique: certain aspects can be written better. The novel presents a compelling narrative/plot, yet there are certain areas where the prose could be honed to have a more substantial emotional impact. The core issue lies in the portrayal of suspenseful scenes and your hook, along with the “fade to black…” While this approach creates an air of mystery, it tends to rob the reader of the emotional depth and complexity such moments can offer.

In terms of character development, moments of extreme tension and danger provide rich opportunities for deepening the reader's understanding and connection with a character. You need to incorporate a character’s thoughts, regrets, fears, and hopes as they face the prospect of death… in order to add this poignant layer of humanity and relatability. A simple phrase such as "Damn, if I knew I was going to die here…” can do wonders in revealing the character's regrets, hopes, or acceptance of their impending fate. Aka emotions!!!

Seriously, to further enhance suspense, consider weaving in more character actions that reflect their state of mind or emotional turbulence. Subtle gestures, frantic movements, or even a lack of action can communicate what your mc’s response is to a dire situation….. (dying due to getting pummeled by bullies.)

Third critique: grammatically correct, but awkward. Original: A body was floating in a lake. People just walked by ignoring the body even if they saw it.

Suggestion: A body was floating in a lake. People just walked by, ignoring the body even when they saw it… or people just walked by, choosing to ignore the sight. Or… people just walked by, ignoring the body, even though they saw it.

Miss_Black05 wrote your review! I would also suggest you to look over your first couple of chapters, just to seee if there's anything interesting you can add to truly make your novel your own. I gave your novel a 4.8/5 stars, mostly for its potential to be amazing.

@eudine Alright, note that I wrote my review. here it is btw: "Ines Lacroix: The Curse of the Empyrean" is a riveting dark fantasy novel that weaves a compelling tale of occult powers and the complexities of fate. The author skillfully crafts a world where misfortune follows the protagonist, Ines, from the day of her birth, making her journey all the more captivating.

The prologue sets an enchanting stage within the century-old bookstore, where a mysterious old woman with a single beady eye watches the world go by. The vivid descriptions create an immersive atmosphere, drawing readers into the intriguing world of the novel.

Ines's journey as an Empyrean, blessed by the Heavenly Bodies, unfolds with impressive pacing and depth. The author's ability to navigate various genres, including historical, horror, thriller/suspense, and dark fantasy, adds a rich layer of intrigue and excitement to the narrative.

The prologue sets an eerie atmosphere in the century-old bookstore, where a mysterious old woman observes customers with a single beady eye. While the descriptive language adds to the scene's ambiance, the prose occasionally veers towards being too "fancy" and overly elaborate. Striking a better balance between evocative imagery and more concise descriptions would improve the overall readability and engagement.

Later on in the novel: The transition from Ines' discomfort in the carriage to her emotional reflection on her uncertain destination feels a bit abrupt. Further development of her thoughts and emotions during this journey would create a smoother flow and provide more insight into her perspective. Ines' nightmares and her use of tea leaves to alleviate insomnia are intriguing elements. However, the narrative could benefit from a more seamless transition between Ines' dreams and her thoughts on using the tea leaves. Weaving these elements together more fluidly would enhance the narrative's cohesion.

But what's important is the novel's ability to captivate its readers. Does the author manage to accomplish this? Well, the novel's exploration of occult themes, possession, and supernatural elements contributes to its unique and thrilling allure. Ines's encounters with witches, elves, and the Kingdom Building elements enrich the plot and introduce a dynamic world full of surprises. Fans of dark fantasy, historical, and thriller genres will undoubtedly find themselves captivated by Ines's journey as she grapples with her cursed existence and navigates a world filled with magic and misfortune.

RyujiSakamata I did read yours but some of the motivations don’t make sense. I would advise you to make the murder at the beginning more reasonable, like maybe the person already hates them, etc. or maybe they’re a serial killer, and the main character is more like bruh, I’m serious getting targeted by a serial killer/stalker (aka more emotional buildup), my life is already shot. I can see the idea, but the execution needs a bit more work. As for your premise and stuff, they’re interesting, but I wish the MC wasn’t so passive/such a scaredy-cat cat, but also kind of a bit condescending to other novels. I can understand the characterization there, but you need the MC to be relatable, not condescending. Another thing is that you tell way too much. At the beginning, it’s all “tell, tell, tell”. I feel like some of those things could be shown a bit.