Webnovel.Forum

AuHNG Of course! I’ll start reading once I’m free as I had said before (within the next hour or so)… I’ll let you know once I’ve left the feedback ^^

AuHNG I read the first five chapters + the prologue, and your writing style stuck out to me. It was rather unique but somewhat difficult to read as it was a bit rough around the edges.

I like how you described the characters + set the atmosphere through your writing, but some parts could’ve been further elaborated.

The change in POV was rather confusing at times, and the overall clarity of certain paragraphs/chapters was difficult to read. For example, you often shift from “you” and “he” with little to no explanation in-between, leaving the reader to pick up on some parts themselves.

The prologue chapters also felt somewhat bare, but I feel like your writing style got better as the story progressed. At the start, I couldn’t really connect with the characters, and some parts felt a tad bit generic. For example, the betrayal, the friend & girlfriend- it felt somewhat dry like it was being skipped over.

There were also a couple of grammatical and capitalization errors every couple paragraphs.

All in all, I love the idea of your novel, and how you're executing it (but, it’s a tad bit rough around the edges). Still, keep it up!

Now, here’s the link to my novel once again: https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/26147833805198705?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4318679159

eudine it seems generic because it’s satire. I put many tropes of the genre. Also I don’t have many grammatical mistakes… the ones that I do have are more stylistic, rather than accidental, such as using and or but in the beginning of a character, using sentence fragments for dramatic effect, etc.

I’m surprised you mostly chose to critique my writing since I did have actual writers on writer discords re-read my work, and they said my writing follows good conventions for American English. These elements: Zhen Ni -> held his hand if it was lucky, a best friend slightly weaker than he was, his mom telling him, that she loves story fry as she dies… (the chapter being called, the hobo gives me a disease ) is all really obvious satire. Now pov shifts, most of the pov shifts I have aren’t true pov Shifts, unless I have transitions in between. For example, when Li Ming asks why, and the answers receives are I, I, I, but that’s not a pov shift. It’s just a stylistic convention of writing dialogue without using quotes. Or the fact, that I introduce Li Ming as: HIs name is Boring, but we call him Li Ming (paraphrased).

eudine In your writing, one recurring aspect that stands out is the excessive use of vivid descriptors. While your work displays promise (and a good premise), certain sections would greatly benefit from toning down phrases like "cerise-red" and "cobalt-black." It is essential to consider that even though you possess a profound understanding of your novel, such elaborate descriptors can be overwhelming for readers to process in one sitting. Striking a balance between evocative language and simplicity would enhance the overall readability and engagement of your narrative. It’s okay to use cobalt-black/cerise-red, but it is perfectly fine to just use black or red, or write white, instead of ivory (although ivory in the following section does work better). Oh and I just realized, English isn’t your first language! Perhaps that’s why you have difficulty understanding/interpreting satire and differentiating tone in my writing. I also noticed that non-native speakers tend to focus English with a more “by-the-books” way of writing, which is good, but even we don’t do that. We have so many colloquial ways of writing and speaking: a lot of our grammar rules, at least in English exist to be broken (so long as the sentence makes sense). So, for example, we sometimes say, a couple dogs, even though grammatically correct would be: a couple of dogs. (Typing on phone causes me to have typos/weird autocorrects) Also native speakers tend to have more of a grasp on what words are conventionally used, as I do see you using words that can be a bit difficult to understand… for the casual reader. I spent a lot of time writing, which is why your writing reads “easy” to me, but other readers may not feel the same.

AuHNG Hi! I’ve read both of your replies, and I’m sure those factors you used would work great for an actual book or a comic, but it seemed rather messy when paired all together. The overall tone appeared to be comedic, but the usage of “your” for pov was what set me off in the first chapter. For the same thing you said about my writing being difficult to read but only working out since you write frequently- it’s my personal opinion- but as I’ve said before, it seemed more like something I’d see in an actual book or a comic book. Back to what you said about my elaborate descriptions and choice of words, I’ll take that into account for future chapters. But as for your comments about being a native and non-native speaker whatnot, I had read + typed that up at midnight so I do admit that I hadn’t noticed it was satire at first, my bad. As for my fancy usage of vocabulary and writing style, it is the same thing you are doing with your writing—voice. I felt that using a casual tone would be rather ill-fitting towards the setting, hence it may have appeared as you called it, “by-the-books.”

eudine

That is the only major pov switch in the novel so far. The usage of your… is a dream sequence, so it’s meant to be disjoint. You’ll see thrillers do this often. I didn’t use comic books as my inspiration, rather actual novels.

Edit: I got this amazing thriller writer to read my first chapter, and she loves it, but it is very unconventional so I totally understand why you think the way you do. Again, keep in mind, I don’t write like this the entire novel.

eudine

You can write fancy and good, but also keep in mind which words you’re using. My advice is to learn which words are more commonly used and which words are less commonly used so that it doesn’t hinder what you want to convey. It’s all about dynamics. If you have a difficult, descriptive sentence, switch it up.

Edit: also, I love how you reviewed my novel with a 2.8/5. Ouch. I’ll be nicer in my review tho.

Sh4do please continue writing. Here's how I would write the beginning of your novel tho: Subject: "Enrich Your Life NOW - The Secret of the Super Wealthy!"

Sender: successguaranteed@richesgalore .n/a (Auhng: I put n/a here in case the .com makes webnovel think I'm spamming emails here. Pretend its .com)

Dear Lucas,

Bored with the drudgery of everyday life? Don't just sigh over your cubicle; bring the world to your feet. Make millions sitting at home! Click HERE now!

Subject: "No More Loneliness! Discover Your Perfect Match TODAY!"

Sender: destiny@lovescenario .n/a

Lucas,

Looking for that special someone to share your life with? Love is just a click away! Explore now and transform your lonely nights into romantic dates.

Subject: "Unleash the Fighter Within You! Master Street Survival Techniques!"

Sender: fightclub@streetsurvivor .n/a

Hello, Lucas!

Tired of feeling threatened? Fight back! Enroll in our exclusive Street Survival program and unlock your true potential. Click here to know more.

Just as he was about to log out, a notification chimed in from his social media app.

Notification: "@SarahBright added a new photo to their story!"

Sarah, his old friend, had posted a picture of her dog nestled between her and her husband on the couch, a happy family portrait. It stirred a longing within him.

Liked by @JakeStrong and 150 others.

Lucas added his own like, scrolling past a wave of envy.

View all 35 comments

(insert your beginning/add more posts/maybe change it up to your style). This would be a more engaging hook.

Miss_Black05 I would say your beginning authors note can be a bit more concise and you should explain why you're writing the novel a bit. Instead of saying no criticism (as that'll open you to criticism), just say: dial down the harsh criticism, I know, I know, it's part of the process (As not all criticism is necessarily negative).

Also... your writing has some flow issues. 4th paragraph, no one messes me and has a happily ever after... should be a stand alone sentence. First sentence in novel could be separated into 2 sentences, or add... "a since I was swayed by the..." In the second paragraph, u can put consequences be damned as its own sentence, as both sentences in that paragraph have multiple dependent clauses (which you do a bit often). And the second sentence could be clarified using paragraphs, otherwise it feels like a run on. Overall, these things won't hinder me from reading.

Next chapter, "Well, at least she's pretty."... weird thing to say to someone you just meet. Maybe I would write, "well... at least she's..." Grasping his lips... he stopped. He had almost said it out loud. Pretty. (The part where you say: Unable to deny the undeniable is... umm... funny to me, but like not in a super good way, it could be less cheesy if you made it like in parentheses, like: (Well duh... Of course. That's undeniable). This way, it sounds more like the characters are acknowledging it rather than the author/narrator, which helps with the tone")

AuHNG I have reviewed it.. on the novel webpage on webnovel.

Hoku_1 bruh, why everyone attacking my writing style. It’s unconventional, not bad.

I just choose to write certain things a bit differently. (See, now, if you guys had advice, actual concrete advice about how to improve the writing style, then I might take the advice). As of right now, it like you guys see that the writing style is unconventional (especially at the beginning for the dream sequence, which I swap to a more conventional one later on), and then claim that the style is “bad”. The dream sequence… is a dream. Now, hopefully you have a flawless writing style… I don’t mind writing this way at the beginning, as it is partially foreshadowing. The structure is alluding to something…

Like guys, I’m literally a college student, who gets perfect scores when it comes to writing essays (humble brag thingz)… I know how to write conventional to a T.

As for tags, I don’t mind, for some reason, I get a lot of views regardless. I don’t know why. I got 2K views in one day.

Hoku_1

Your writing starts with a lot of dialogue sometimes, and I can see that you have very typical web novel writing style. Perhaps that is why you’re not used to my writing style, as it is based more on traditional literature writing, with a mix of my own writing quirks: mostly remediation of genre, adding cyberpunk and digital elements.

Critique: HAHA, in the beginning. You have 4 dialogues, with no dialogue, which can be done, but the HAHA belongs to the main character, someone distinct, someone important, so he should be the first to have a dialogue tag. The rest can work like that, because it doesn’t matter who says those. Actually, it doesn’t matter because it already is confusing. From the start, you introduce names rather than physical traits, so it makes the beginning confusing. A BIG PART OF THIS IS BECAUSE YOU WRITE: he kicked Jin woo. But Jin woo isn’t the one who says he’s crazy. I think you made a typo?

Second critique: certain aspects can be written better. The novel presents a compelling narrative/plot, yet there are certain areas where the prose could be honed to have a more substantial emotional impact. The core issue lies in the portrayal of suspenseful scenes and your hook, along with the “fade to black…” While this approach creates an air of mystery, it tends to rob the reader of the emotional depth and complexity such moments can offer.

In terms of character development, moments of extreme tension and danger provide rich opportunities for deepening the reader's understanding and connection with a character. You need to incorporate a character’s thoughts, regrets, fears, and hopes as they face the prospect of death… in order to add this poignant layer of humanity and relatability. A simple phrase such as "Damn, if I knew I was going to die here…” can do wonders in revealing the character's regrets, hopes, or acceptance of their impending fate. Aka emotions!!!

Seriously, to further enhance suspense, consider weaving in more character actions that reflect their state of mind or emotional turbulence. Subtle gestures, frantic movements, or even a lack of action can communicate what your mc’s response is to a dire situation….. (dying due to getting pummeled by bullies.)

Third critique: grammatically correct, but awkward. Original: A body was floating in a lake. People just walked by ignoring the body even if they saw it.

Suggestion: A body was floating in a lake. People just walked by, ignoring the body even when they saw it… or people just walked by, choosing to ignore the sight. Or… people just walked by, ignoring the body, even though they saw it.

Miss_Black05 wrote your review! I would also suggest you to look over your first couple of chapters, just to seee if there's anything interesting you can add to truly make your novel your own. I gave your novel a 4.8/5 stars, mostly for its potential to be amazing.

@eudine Alright, note that I wrote my review. here it is btw: "Ines Lacroix: The Curse of the Empyrean" is a riveting dark fantasy novel that weaves a compelling tale of occult powers and the complexities of fate. The author skillfully crafts a world where misfortune follows the protagonist, Ines, from the day of her birth, making her journey all the more captivating.

The prologue sets an enchanting stage within the century-old bookstore, where a mysterious old woman with a single beady eye watches the world go by. The vivid descriptions create an immersive atmosphere, drawing readers into the intriguing world of the novel.

Ines's journey as an Empyrean, blessed by the Heavenly Bodies, unfolds with impressive pacing and depth. The author's ability to navigate various genres, including historical, horror, thriller/suspense, and dark fantasy, adds a rich layer of intrigue and excitement to the narrative.

The prologue sets an eerie atmosphere in the century-old bookstore, where a mysterious old woman observes customers with a single beady eye. While the descriptive language adds to the scene's ambiance, the prose occasionally veers towards being too "fancy" and overly elaborate. Striking a better balance between evocative imagery and more concise descriptions would improve the overall readability and engagement.

Later on in the novel: The transition from Ines' discomfort in the carriage to her emotional reflection on her uncertain destination feels a bit abrupt. Further development of her thoughts and emotions during this journey would create a smoother flow and provide more insight into her perspective. Ines' nightmares and her use of tea leaves to alleviate insomnia are intriguing elements. However, the narrative could benefit from a more seamless transition between Ines' dreams and her thoughts on using the tea leaves. Weaving these elements together more fluidly would enhance the narrative's cohesion.

But what's important is the novel's ability to captivate its readers. Does the author manage to accomplish this? Well, the novel's exploration of occult themes, possession, and supernatural elements contributes to its unique and thrilling allure. Ines's encounters with witches, elves, and the Kingdom Building elements enrich the plot and introduce a dynamic world full of surprises. Fans of dark fantasy, historical, and thriller genres will undoubtedly find themselves captivated by Ines's journey as she grapples with her cursed existence and navigates a world filled with magic and misfortune.

RyujiSakamata I did read yours but some of the motivations don’t make sense. I would advise you to make the murder at the beginning more reasonable, like maybe the person already hates them, etc. or maybe they’re a serial killer, and the main character is more like bruh, I’m serious getting targeted by a serial killer/stalker (aka more emotional buildup), my life is already shot. I can see the idea, but the execution needs a bit more work. As for your premise and stuff, they’re interesting, but I wish the MC wasn’t so passive/such a scaredy-cat cat, but also kind of a bit condescending to other novels. I can understand the characterization there, but you need the MC to be relatable, not condescending. Another thing is that you tell way too much. At the beginning, it’s all “tell, tell, tell”. I feel like some of those things could be shown a bit.

RyujiSakamata

In essence, the MC comes off as very bitter at the beginning. From ‘hating the rich, to other novels, then to her overall situation’ to etc. those are valid things to get upset at, but the beginning of the novel describes these things in an almost-monotone voice. “I am not apart of this class. I became bread winner.” To make her sound relatable, you should showcase her good traits as well, like: “It’s so difficult, I want to complain, but who can I complain to? It’s something I must do, I know I must do this because if no one does… then who will? Some days I can’t find the will to keep going, but I just want my mom to be happy, my sister to … etc. ” Aka show some grit! Some might find the constant pessimism and self-deprecation of the protagonist a bit taxing. Finally, like I said before, the narrative could also benefit from more variation in tone to prevent the story from becoming too monotonous. When Ellyn gets tortured, the characters should not forgive the KING immediately either. A good idea would be to have the MC storms off, angry at the father, and he apologizes, genuinely to both Ellyn and the MC. Maybe the mother goes over, and is like, your father did a terrible thing, but he was terribly worried. Make the queen berate the King a bit more for what happened. It cannot be forgiven so easily, otherwise the readers feel that the characters are being irrationally characterized! Whips leave scars.

Now, I do want to say that my critique here is a bit harsh but I see potential in your novel. I did enjoy reading some parts of it.

Storie_muxica Amazing!!!! Thanks for the idea though
Here is mine. https://m.webnovel.com/book/a-reborn's-privilege_26927506405761905