AuHNG Hi! I’ve read both of your replies, and I’m sure those factors you used would work great for an actual book or a comic, but it seemed rather messy when paired all together. The overall tone appeared to be comedic, but the usage of “your” for pov was what set me off in the first chapter. For the same thing you said about my writing being difficult to read but only working out since you write frequently- it’s my personal opinion- but as I’ve said before, it seemed more like something I’d see in an actual book or a comic book. Back to what you said about my elaborate descriptions and choice of words, I’ll take that into account for future chapters. But as for your comments about being a native and non-native speaker whatnot, I had read + typed that up at midnight so I do admit that I hadn’t noticed it was satire at first, my bad. As for my fancy usage of vocabulary and writing style, it is the same thing you are doing with your writing—voice. I felt that using a casual tone would be rather ill-fitting towards the setting, hence it may have appeared as you called it, “by-the-books.”

      eudine

      That is the only major pov switch in the novel so far. The usage of your… is a dream sequence, so it’s meant to be disjoint. You’ll see thrillers do this often. I didn’t use comic books as my inspiration, rather actual novels.

      Edit: I got this amazing thriller writer to read my first chapter, and she loves it, but it is very unconventional so I totally understand why you think the way you do. Again, keep in mind, I don’t write like this the entire novel.

        eudine

        You can write fancy and good, but also keep in mind which words you’re using. My advice is to learn which words are more commonly used and which words are less commonly used so that it doesn’t hinder what you want to convey. It’s all about dynamics. If you have a difficult, descriptive sentence, switch it up.

        Edit: also, I love how you reviewed my novel with a 2.8/5. Ouch. I’ll be nicer in my review tho.

            eudine also, I’m going to continue reading your novel, I’m only going to review it once it’s done. If you want, you can continue readin. Mine.

              AuHNG Thank you for the advise, I’ll keep that in mind! Also, my bad for the review, you can delete it if you wish; I’ll continue reading your novel later on during the day when I have more free time.

                  eudine I don't delete bad reviews. Bad reviews are part of the experience.

                    Sh4do please continue writing. Here's how I would write the beginning of your novel tho: Subject: "Enrich Your Life NOW - The Secret of the Super Wealthy!"

                    Sender: successguaranteed@richesgalore .n/a (Auhng: I put n/a here in case the .com makes webnovel think I'm spamming emails here. Pretend its .com)

                    Dear Lucas,

                    Bored with the drudgery of everyday life? Don't just sigh over your cubicle; bring the world to your feet. Make millions sitting at home! Click HERE now!

                    Subject: "No More Loneliness! Discover Your Perfect Match TODAY!"

                    Sender: destiny@lovescenario .n/a

                    Lucas,

                    Looking for that special someone to share your life with? Love is just a click away! Explore now and transform your lonely nights into romantic dates.

                    Subject: "Unleash the Fighter Within You! Master Street Survival Techniques!"

                    Sender: fightclub@streetsurvivor .n/a

                    Hello, Lucas!

                    Tired of feeling threatened? Fight back! Enroll in our exclusive Street Survival program and unlock your true potential. Click here to know more.

                    Just as he was about to log out, a notification chimed in from his social media app.

                    Notification: "@SarahBright added a new photo to their story!"

                    Sarah, his old friend, had posted a picture of her dog nestled between her and her husband on the couch, a happy family portrait. It stirred a longing within him.

                    Liked by @JakeStrong and 150 others.

                    Lucas added his own like, scrolling past a wave of envy.

                    View all 35 comments

                    (insert your beginning/add more posts/maybe change it up to your style). This would be a more engaging hook.

                        Sh4do Oh also, i would recommend grammarly/chatgpt, both of which can help with grammar and sentence dynamicity. I notice you have a rigid writing style, which could benefit from those tools. @Storie_muxica u too.

                            Miss_Black05 I would say your beginning authors note can be a bit more concise and you should explain why you're writing the novel a bit. Instead of saying no criticism (as that'll open you to criticism), just say: dial down the harsh criticism, I know, I know, it's part of the process (As not all criticism is necessarily negative).

                            Also... your writing has some flow issues. 4th paragraph, no one messes me and has a happily ever after... should be a stand alone sentence. First sentence in novel could be separated into 2 sentences, or add... "a since I was swayed by the..." In the second paragraph, u can put consequences be damned as its own sentence, as both sentences in that paragraph have multiple dependent clauses (which you do a bit often). And the second sentence could be clarified using paragraphs, otherwise it feels like a run on. Overall, these things won't hinder me from reading.

                            Next chapter, "Well, at least she's pretty."... weird thing to say to someone you just meet. Maybe I would write, "well... at least she's..." Grasping his lips... he stopped. He had almost said it out loud. Pretty. (The part where you say: Unable to deny the undeniable is... umm... funny to me, but like not in a super good way, it could be less cheesy if you made it like in parentheses, like: (Well duh... Of course. That's undeniable). This way, it sounds more like the characters are acknowledging it rather than the author/narrator, which helps with the tone")

                                AuHNG I have reviewed it.. 😄 on the novel webpage on webnovel.

                                    Same thing in third chapter. Sug: "Well, I'm not fluent in other lang." I fibbed. I only knew how to speak 6 languages, unfortunately. Seriously, I needed to learn more. (again undercuts a bit of that brag).

                                      Hoku_1 bruh, why everyone attacking my writing style. It’s unconventional, not bad.

                                      I just choose to write certain things a bit differently. (See, now, if you guys had advice, actual concrete advice about how to improve the writing style, then I might take the advice). As of right now, it like you guys see that the writing style is unconventional (especially at the beginning for the dream sequence, which I swap to a more conventional one later on), and then claim that the style is “bad”. The dream sequence… is a dream. Now, hopefully you have a flawless writing style… 👀 I don’t mind writing this way at the beginning, as it is partially foreshadowing. The structure is alluding to something…

                                      Like guys, I’m literally a college student, who gets perfect scores when it comes to writing essays (humble brag thingz)… I know how to write conventional to a T.

                                      As for tags, I don’t mind, for some reason, I get a lot of views regardless. I don’t know why. I got 2K views in one day.

                                          Hoku_1

                                          Your writing starts with a lot of dialogue sometimes, and I can see that you have very typical web novel writing style. Perhaps that is why you’re not used to my writing style, as it is based more on traditional literature writing, with a mix of my own writing quirks: mostly remediation of genre, adding cyberpunk and digital elements.

                                          Critique: HAHA, in the beginning. You have 4 dialogues, with no dialogue, which can be done, but the HAHA belongs to the main character, someone distinct, someone important, so he should be the first to have a dialogue tag. The rest can work like that, because it doesn’t matter who says those. Actually, it doesn’t matter because it already is confusing. From the start, you introduce names rather than physical traits, so it makes the beginning confusing. A BIG PART OF THIS IS BECAUSE YOU WRITE: he kicked Jin woo. But Jin woo isn’t the one who says he’s crazy. I think you made a typo?

                                          Second critique: certain aspects can be written better. The novel presents a compelling narrative/plot, yet there are certain areas where the prose could be honed to have a more substantial emotional impact. The core issue lies in the portrayal of suspenseful scenes and your hook, along with the “fade to black…” While this approach creates an air of mystery, it tends to rob the reader of the emotional depth and complexity such moments can offer.

                                          In terms of character development, moments of extreme tension and danger provide rich opportunities for deepening the reader's understanding and connection with a character. You need to incorporate a character’s thoughts, regrets, fears, and hopes as they face the prospect of death… in order to add this poignant layer of humanity and relatability. A simple phrase such as "Damn, if I knew I was going to die here…” can do wonders in revealing the character's regrets, hopes, or acceptance of their impending fate. Aka emotions!!!

                                          Seriously, to further enhance suspense, consider weaving in more character actions that reflect their state of mind or emotional turbulence. Subtle gestures, frantic movements, or even a lack of action can communicate what your mc’s response is to a dire situation….. (dying due to getting pummeled by bullies.)

                                          Third critique: grammatically correct, but awkward. Original: A body was floating in a lake. People just walked by ignoring the body even if they saw it.

                                          Suggestion: A body was floating in a lake. People just walked by, ignoring the body even when they saw it… or people just walked by, choosing to ignore the sight. Or… people just walked by, ignoring the body, even though they saw it.

                                            eudine Now for example, I trust your advice a bit more, when you’d say certain elements are confusing, since you were more succinct about the criticism. Which I did go back and made some minor adjustments to help with clarity in the first chapter specifically (aka the first chapter, excluding prologues) @Hoku_1 One thing I notice is that your story is dialogue driven. Make sure to have dialogue blocks separated by action, or u can integrate dialogue, dialogue tag, dialogue, action or something like that. That would help.

                                                AuHNG
                                                Thanks for telling me about the typo. My story may seem dialogue driven but as the story continues I try to write as many descriptions as possible. I always had problems with that part but I'm trying to improve as I continue writing. Anyways thanks for the critique. I feel like I need to re-write the prologue though. 😅

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