HavenlyJeep
link to story
Spoilers within.
Originality - 5/5 This is an original story. I applaud on_a_jeep for creating an original world, plot and powers. I enjoyed following the MC as she, I assume she because she wore a dress, walked through her world. The title is superb
Story - 4/5 The plot is very good. However, it is let down by weak or lazy descriptions. For example. Hope is in a conversation protesting the fact he is assigned as Ava's bodyguard and the story then states.
"I felt bad for him, so I convinced Hope that I would protect him."
This sort of shortcut is repeated often during the story. The author should have taken the time to SHOW not TELL the reader how Ava convinced him and it would have taken some time. Because he was quite adamant that he didn't want to do it.
This is just one example of a shortcut was taken instead of showing what happened and these shortcuts ruin a great story.
Another example.
Grandpa says "This gun has enough firepower to penetrate the armor of a tank with one shot. A new invention. You'd be surprised by how much technology has developed in the recent years until now, the year 2031."
Why is Grandpa talking to the reader? The characters know what year it is. I assume they know technology has progressed but even so, it would be more like grandpa would say something like "we have these new prototype guns which can shoot through the armour of a tank."
I can only guess the reason that grandpa said this was the author didn't want to go to the trouble of explaining the technology of the world and the year. Hence another example of taking shortcuts instead of describing what was happening.
Characters - 3/5 The MC has a distinct personality. I was a little confused how she went from demure and pacifist to a stone cold killer.
The parents were confusing. I get the "evil" side. But I couldn't make sense of their motivations. They were used as a plot device. And logic be damned. One of my questions is, why did they bother wiping her memories? They could have just jailed her and experimented on her. Why after all that work and time in hiding did they decide, ok we will kill you now you are useless? Now there may be answers to these questions but it wasn't explained. And I am left to assume the parents had a role to play in the story and there was no work done on their goals and motivations.
Flow - 3/5 The flow was ok. I was able to understand most of what was happening without re-reading a sentence or paragraph. There were times when I wasn't sure who was talking as there were only quotes with no attribution. The grammar was good in parts and other parts it was particularly bad. And while I am not judging grammar, I am where is affects the flow. In this story it does a few times every chapter.
Suggestions: Don't be lazy and take your time to SHOW everything to the reader. You have a great story but the delivery made it hard to receive.
Edit: I just noticed that you already did!! Hahahah
