“Kill the bitch.” “Toss the bottles inside!” “Burn the whore!”

Kaylah heard the chants, and jumped out of bed, hitting her knee on an old lamp that she got for Christmas present a few years back. However, after seeing all the chaos from the inferno destroying her home, she thinks “I must escape.”

“This mob surrounding my home will block me from using normal escape paths, fuck!”

“That whore may be a thief, but we have the numbers men do not be afraid! “Burn the place and the slut into the ground.”

Kaylah looked for an escape path, but all the windows, and the rear exit where covered. She began to panic but forced herself calm. Noticing all her mementos were burning, she rushed to save a photo, the first one she took with her father and proceeded to place it in her bra.

I am surrounded, by an inferno, and my lungs are slowly filling with smoke. There is no exit, so I had to make one. After looking around, my old propane tank came into sight. I proceeded to run towards the tank, and while enduring the burns I tossed it toward one of the burning walls.

“Keep it up, men!” “Valentina killed her father, kill this bitch and the job will be done!”

Kaylah heard the name Valentina and burned it into her soul. Unaware, of why her home was targeted, she knew that finding this woman would be vital. Only then did she notice. Her father had died.

Boom. The tank exploded and the wooden wall busted open. It had sent flaming shards towards everything, including Kaylah.

Kaylah endured the pain from the shards and dashed towards the new exit. Her nightgown had caught fire, which caused the ends of her hair to start burning.

Luckily, Kaylah lived near the nasty riverbed. She knew it would be foolish to slow down, and jumped in. It was not a clean river, but it put out the fire on her body.

“Half of you maggots chase her through the river the other half go around the bridge and cut off her escape path!”

Kaylah smelled like the sea and her outfit was torn to bits. She had to quickly change her outfit and smell.

Using her speed, she caused her pursuers to lose sight of her. She had to leave the area soon, or risk being discovered. Using her skills as a thief, she robed a random pickpocket, to provide herself with some spending money.

She then proceeded to speed walk towards a bathhouse, one known to give out bathing robes. It was not a perfect plan, but it was in the same direction as her hideout.

Kaylah entered the bathhouse, it was a nice place and she looked terrible. The attendant looked at her in shock and rushed her through the line. It would be bad for business if someone that out of shape was seen outside.

Kaylah was rather upset, with the attendants' attitude, but had to stomach it. While she was removing her undergarments, she looked at the back of that old photo she took with her dad and saw a note.

so one I like this story mc will probably be badass so I'll check it out as soon as its out (Assuming it isn't)

2. a little more description would go a long way i.e the setting, the time, general location, Kaylah's looks (that will probably be added later I know.)

3, I think it just needs a bit more editing i.e the tense is it past or present it keeps bouncing back and forth, the grammar is a bit wordy some phrases can be replaced by a word, though thats more of a style choice than anything else

4 I Know nothing about punctuation so I can't help there

.....................................................................................................................................................

“Kill the bitch!”

“Toss the bottles inside!” (I'm guessing you mean a molotov cocktail right? I love those! that house will burn! Feel free to use onomatopoeia {Literal sfx} it's not easy to employ but it adds to the danger if well executed, I don't see it much of it outside fight scenes though.)

“Burn the whore!”

Kaylah heard the chants, and jumped out of bed, hitting her knee on an old lamp she got for Christmas a few years back.

However, after seeing all the chaos from the inferno destroying her home, she thinks “I must escape.”

“This mob surrounding my home will block me from using normal escape paths, fuck!”

“That whore may be a thief, but we have the numbers men do not be afraid! “Burn the place and the slut into the ground.”

Kaylah looked for an escape path, but all the windows, and the rear exit where covered. She began to panic but forced herself calm. Noticing all her mementoes were burning, she rushed to save a photo, the first one she took with her father and placed it in her bra.

I am surrounded, by an inferno, and my lungs are slowly filling with smoke. There is no exit, so I had to make one. After looking around, my old propane tank came into sight. I proceeded to run towards the tank, and while enduring the burns I tossed it toward one of the burning walls. (Internal monologue?)

“Keep it up, men!”

“Valentina already killed her father, kill this bitch and the job will be done!”

Kaylah heard the name Valentina and burned it into her soul. Unaware, of why her home was targeted, she knew that finding this woman would be vital. Only then did she notice, her father had died.

Boom! (See now that's a good use of sfx!)

The tank exploded and the wooden wall busted open. It had sent flaming shards towards everything, including Kaylah.

Kaylah endured the pain from the shards and dashed towards the new exit. Her nightgown had caught fire, the ends of her hair were burning.

Luckily, Kaylah lived near the nasty riverbed. She knew it would be foolish to slow down, and jumped in. It was not a clean river, but it put out the fire.

“Half of you maggots chase her through the river the other half go around the bridge and cut her off!” (The repetition is a bit much)

Kaylah smelled like the sea and her outfit was torn to bits. She had to quickly change her outfit and smell.

Using her speed, her pursuers lost sight of her.

She had to leave the area soon, or risk being discovered. Using her skills as a thief, she robed a random pickpocket, providing herself with some spending money.

She then proceeded to speed walk towards a bathhouse, one known to give out bathing robes. It was not a perfect plan, but it was in the same direction as her hideout.

Kaylah entered the bathhouse, it was a nice place and she looked terrible. The attendant looked at her in shock and rushed her through the line. It would be bad for business if someone that out of shape was seen outside.

(Hah bro i once worked at a spa i assure you we would have called security to throw her out, but this is fiction and she has the protagonists golden halo so I get it.)

Kaylah was rather upset, with the attendants' attitude, but stomached it. While she was removing her undergarments, she looked at the back of that old photo she took with her dad and saw a note.

I just realized I can't use italics... oh well I'm a reader, not a writer so I could be wrong about a lot of things I'll ask a friend to look through it they been working on their English a lot , @lazyredragon

Forsaken1

It's a bit unclear throughout your story of who is doing what thoughts when it involves both Kaylah and other people's thoughts.

However, after seeing all the chaos from the inferno destroying her home, she thinks “I must escape.” okay, this is Kaylah's thoughts

“This mob surrounding my home will block me from using normal escape paths, fuck!” okay, this is still Kaylah's thoughts. Continuing this pattern, the next one should still be her thoughts.

“That whore may be a thief, but we have the numbers men do not be afraid! hmm. seems believable. she might be cursing the whore-thief.

“Burn the place and the slut into the ground.” so.. she wants to burn the place down now?

There's a sudden shift in point of view, from "third person point of view" to "first person". Namely, from using "Kaylah/She" to using "I". Try not to do that.

Kaylah looked for an escape path, but all the windows, and the rear exit where covered. She began to panic but forced herself calm. Noticing all her mementos were burning, she rushed to save a photo, the first one she took with her father and proceeded to place it in her bra.

I am surrounded, by an inferno, and my lungs are slowly filling with smoke. There is no exit, so I had to make one. After looking around, my old propane tank came into sight. I proceeded to run towards the tank, and while enduring the burns I tossed it toward one of the burning walls.

Most common writing advice: Show, don't tell.

Try not to describe the intent so much, but rather, describe the action being taken. You're stuck "telling" a lot of things that is happening instead of "showing" it. Try showing it instead.

For example, here:

Kaylah heard the chants, and jumped out of bed, hitting her knee on an old lamp that she got for Christmas present a few years back. However, after seeing all the chaos from the inferno destroying her home, she thinks “I must escape.”

Kaylah looked for an escape path, but all the windows, and the rear exit where covered. She began to panic but forced herself calm.

This could be changed into something more fun and descriptive:

Kaylah jumped out of bed—startled by the voices chanting outside—and in the process, slammed her knee into an old lamp that she had received as a Christmas present a few years back.

“Mother fu—“, she hollered while holding her knee, but the smell of smoke, accompanied by the wonderful sight of raging inferno licking every wall in her home, greeted her.

Her heart started pounding, her hands shaking, and her breaths quickened. She looked around quickly, her eyes darting from the door to the windows, and back to the flames that were quickly surrounding her. She knew she couldn't escape through the doors and windows as the mob had likely already surrounded her home and prepared for that eventuality. She crouched down and forced herself to take some deep breaths, trying her best to steady her shaking hands. She wanted to stay as calm as possible, even more so when her life is on the line.

"I need to get out of here," she thought...

See? Originally, you "told" me that after seeing all the chaos from the inferno destroying her home, she thinks “I must escape.”

Whereas I "showed" you that the smell of smoke, accompanied by the wonderful sight of raging inferno licking every wall in her home, greeted her.

Here's a brief guide on show, don't tell. Your writing would benefit tremendously from some simple "show → tell" changes.

The content itself, the story, seems like it's moving along in a good direction. You've a character who is immediately chased down and is trying to survive these murder attempts. There's an unknown force out to kill her, and her father is already dead. We don't know much about this world at this time (which is great), but some hints we do get are:

• There are propane tanks in this world
• Mob mentality + public lynching/burning of someone's house while they're sleeping seems to be normal.
• Public bathhouses are common
• They're afraid of thieves.

You just need to watch out for some minor grammatical/spelling errors, such as:

Using her skills as a thief, she robed a random pickpocket

Surely she didn't put a robe onto a random pickpocket in the middle of a street now, did she? Yes, I know you stated that this is a draft only, so small mistakes like this is to be expected. But I just really wanted to point out that she robed a pickpocket!

Plot-wise, it's pretty good for an introductory chapter. We've a villain who plotted to kill the main character straight off the bat. We get to see a bit of the main character's resourcefulness.

The character has a good chance to be amazing, depending on how you'll introduce the background later, her competence, her proactiveness, and her likeability.

Elliemaymilk

Thank you so much for the review!

I also agree with you towards that point you made at the end, I should have thought it out better. honestly even the note on the photo is a bit odd, to me.

I love your point about cocktails, I was unsure if a lot of people would understand it, but I feel more confident in using "harder" terms due to your point.

While this is a draft, I think your 2/3 bullets would improve it =],
I did not really talk much about the world outside her home =].

As far as how she looks.
I agree I should have at least added a few parts of her in there.
thank you so much for your review =].

Nou thanks bro!

() delete those
{} add those
[] My thoughts.

("Toss the bottles inside!") If still using then use 'in' instead of inside
"Burn the whore!" "Slaughter the bitch." [change order]

Startled by the chants, Kaylah jumped out of bed.
{-"Tss..." The old lamp shattered in confusion. I was her father's gift for Christmas.}

"Son of a bitch" she hollered {-roared}
[Sorry, but I had to search what it meant.] (while cleaning her knee.)
{-"Cough...cough..." she gasped, inhaling} (Kylah inhaled )the smog generated by the flame that (is) {-was} {-already} ravaging {the walls} ( borders of her home.) The blaze was destroying everything (in sight)
{-Her sight fell on her whimpering Dog. He was dying}(someone even killed her dog.)
[I don't know how?]

She saw the mob surrounding her home. Her heart pounded, her hands trembled, her knees were buckling, but as she watched {one by one} (one of her) (mementos) {-mementoes} [-use simple word like souvenier, keepsakes vanishing in the fire, or getting engulfed.] vanished, she regained her desire to fight.

(She rushed to preserve the photo, the first one she took with father and placed it in her undergarment.)
She rushed to a cabinet taking out a photo stuffing in her lingerie. [tell who was in the photo later]

Her, original concern was to preserve that picture (and put it in her lingerie.) [no need to repeat twice.

"That whore may be a thief {fast and sleek}, but we have the numbers." "Burn the {whole} place (and the slut into the ground!")
{with the slut in it alive.}
{"Burn her alive."}

Surrounded, by an inferno, (and) her lungs were rapidly filling with smoke. There was no exit, so she had to make one. After looking around, she noticed an aged propane tank, one used for cooking. She rushed at the tank, and while enduring the burns tossed it (toward ) {-to} one of the burning walls.

"Keep it up, men!" "Valentina killed her father, kill this bitch and we will get paid!"

Kaylah heard the name Valentina and (burned) {imprinted it} it into her soul. Unaware, of why her home was targeted, she knew finding this woman is vital. (Only later concluded that her father had died.) [is showing no emotion don't mention now maybe later]

Boom.

The tank exploded and the wooden wall busted open. It had sent flaming shards towards everything, including Kaylah.

Kaylah grit her teeth, as the shards hit her torso, and burned her lingerie. It had caught fire, which caused the edges of her black hair to ignite. {were charred}

{Luckily,} [the word don't seem to fit the situation.]
"Splash" she plunged into nearby riverbed. It was smelly and nasty.}
(Kaylah lived near the nasty riverbed. She realized it would be absurd to slow down and plunged in.)
It was not a decent stream, but it put out the fire on her body.

"Half of you maggots chase her through the river." "The rest of you (vermin) block her escape path."

Kaylah smelled like the ocean [?] {filthy} and the fire had damaged her outfit to bits. (She had to adjust her outfit and scent.)

Using her (speed) and momentum, she made her pursuers to lose sight of her. She had to escape the area promptly, or compromise being exposed. Applying her techniques as a thief, she swiped from a random pickpocket.

Providing herself with cash, to subsidize her disappearance.

She rushed towards a bathhouse, (one acknowledged to sell out bathing garments. It was not a proper method, but) [Again no need for righteousness] it was in the same direction as her sanctuary.

Kaylah broke into the bathhouse, it was a nice {clean} place and
[Add her look para]

she looked dreadful. The servant stared at her in dismay and doubted(,) she legitimately entered but {she looked dangerous, they} knew better than to examine matters. It would be dangerous for her if this (adolescent) ? was someone powerful. {found out her hideout}

The attendants attitude rather upset Kaylah, but she had to tolerate it. She dashed towards the changing room, and while she was disposing of her bra, the old photo {she safeguarded fell.
It was a picture of a middle-aged man with her} [whatever describe the photo]
(her papa took with her fell out.)

Kaylah noticed a note on the backside and wondered, "what does it say?"

MiaoMiao11 Ah! It took a lot of time. I don't think I can continue to edit yours.
I already have 3 ongoing series on my shoulders.
Ahh! My life.
Btw today's good news one of my novels is ranked 140. Haha! highest of all time.
Will look into it whenever I got time and post the edited chapter here!
No need for thanks!!!
:)

MiaoMiao11

Thanks!

MiaoMiao11

I felt bad your edit was better than mine, consider this a freebie ;p

{Remove?} (edited sentence) [Needs a change, I cannot nail it] 

I felt a little bad because I did not really go in depth with your chapter, consider this a freebie.

Monologue: Sky
My life had always been in darkness.  (Pain and grief {of the heart} were ripping away my soul). (I played music to distract myself from my suffering, it was my only relief, my salvation.)
{Bringing music to life made me feel alive.}
[I didn’t care about anyone or anything, living in my {own} shell since childhood. Lost in my {own} world. (A world only for Music.) I {needed no one} in my life. No parents, no friends not even any acquaintances.]
Till her,
Her arrival opened the doors of light in my black world. I felt (warmth and comfort for the first time.) (My soul was healing.)
I needed her!
First time I saw her wasn’t at the Music Video shoot {as she thinks,} but much earlier. I was randomly passing through streets looking for inspiration.
When I saw (her) {on the street distributing flyers.} (Fate must have drawn my gaze towards her because once she walked out of the shade and hit the sunlight she showed the world a captivating image.) Her natural glistening smile beamed her radiant face. A person’s eyes (could not) move away after gazing her face.
Afternoon Sun shined fiercely on her face, sweat like gems dazzled, dripping slowly from her forehead but the bright smile was as comfortable as a morning sun. (I watched her as she walked towards me. My heart to pound, my hands were trembling, I even embarrassingly touched her hand when she handed me the flyer.  {to me.})
(That is my muse!)
They say every artist has a muse. Painters, filmmakers, writers, photographer, music producers!
Like Mona Lisa {was for Da Vinci.} 
Muse, a source of artistic inspirations due to their beauty, character, or some other mysterious quality.
Her beautiful smile made {my first impression of} her {as} ‘Perfect to be a Muse.’
My Muse!
I never meet (anyone who inspired me to write love songs!)
All the way to the studio my thoughts run to her.
I made the (hit) song ‘My Flower, My Muse’ the same day reminiscing her.
(The following day, I built up my courage and head to the same place.) Looking at her I felt something gripping my heart. I build courage took off my hat and beard and walked toward her, thinking I would finally hear her voice, maybe it could be our first interaction.
(But, she handed me a flyer; she walked to another man.) (Somehow I felt betrayed.)
She didn’t even look at me...
I wanted to impress her with my stardom. I knew the consequences could be disastrous if the crowd knows of my presence but I somehow wished to surprise her.
Imagining her looking at me in awe!
I {generally} hated to be recognized in public but it was the first time in my life I wanted someone to notice me.
[Disappointed, I wore my disguise back and stood to observe her.] Where was her smile?
Her eyes seemed lost. Why? I had to know.
I investigated the girl. The more I knew (the) more was I surprised. [A girl from such a rich and big family of the country distributing flyers on a street in a strong sun!]
A family whose name is enough to scare someone.
Her attire was simple too. She had (the nobility of the rich) but her warm attitude and simple clothes made her background inconspicuous.
Her name was Lyna, which (means) Light! 
Bright and beautiful as her name she (captivated me). <MC is stalking a girl he never spoke with SCARY!>

Nou Thanks yes it was easy to read. :)

Forsaken1 Thank you, For the freebie!
Don't mind a few more :p

MiaoMiao11

if you review my novel I will, you dont have to do an edit lol I spend less time on an edit then a review personally.

Forsaken1 No, I kinda edited a single chapter while you read and gave tips for many! I would like to continue but you see I have around 100 published chapter it will be unfair to you.
So when you post a chapter just tag me here. Whenever I have time I will go through It!