Yours and forsaken's are a bit hard to read without any formatting, so I decided to do a quick format replacement on both your edits. Hope you guys don't mind it.
delete those (strikethroughs are achieved by using two tildes "
~" before and after where you want deleted. Something
~~like this~~ would show up as: Something
like this. )
- bold: add those
- sectioned out:
"Toss the bottles inside!" If still using then use 'in' instead of inside
"Burn the whore!" "Slaughter the bitch."
Startled by the chants, Kaylah jumped out of bed.
-"Tss..." The old lamp shattered in confusion. I was her father's gift for Christmas.
"Son of a bitch" she hollered -roared
Sorry, but I had to search what it meant.
while cleaning her knee.
-"Cough...cough..." she gasped, inhaling
Kylah inhaled the smog generated by the flame that is -was -already ravaging the walls borders of her home. The blaze was destroying everything in sight
-Her sight fell on her whimpering Dog. He was dying
someone even killed her dog.
I don't know how?
She saw the mob surrounding her home. Her heart pounded, her hands trembled, her knees were buckling, but as she watched one by one
one of her mementos -mementoes
-use simple word like souvenier, keepsakes vanishing in the fire, or getting engulfed. vanished, she regained her desire to fight.
She rushed to preserve the photo, the first one she took with father and placed it in her undergarment.
She rushed to a cabinet taking out a photo stuffing in her lingerie.
tell who was in the photo later
Her, original concern was to preserve that picture
and put it in her lingerie. `no need to repeat twice.
"That whore may be a thief fast and sleek, but we have the numbers." "Burn the whole place
and the slut into the ground!"
with the slut in it alive.
"Burn her alive."
Surrounded, by an inferno,
and her lungs were rapidly filling with smoke. There was no exit, so she had to make one. After looking around, she noticed an aged propane tank, one used for cooking. She rushed at the tank, and while enduring the burns tossed it toward -to one of the burning walls.
"Keep it up, men!" "Valentina killed her father, kill this bitch and we will get paid!"
Kaylah heard the name Valentina and
burned imprinted it it into her soul. Unaware, of why her home was targeted, she knew finding this woman is vital. Only later concluded that her father had died.
is showing no emotion don't mention now maybe later
The tank exploded and the wooden wall busted open. It had sent flaming shards towards everything, including Kaylah.
Kaylah grit her teeth, as the shards hit her torso, and burned her lingerie. It had caught fire, which caused the edges of her black hair to ignite. were charred
the word don't seem to fit the situation.
"Splash" she plunged into nearby riverbed. It was smelly and nasty.**
Kaylah lived near the nasty riverbed. She realized it would be absurd to slow down and plunged in.
It was not a decent stream, but it put out the fire on her body.
"Half of you maggots chase her through the river." "The rest of you
vermin block her escape path."
Kaylah smelled like the ocean
? filthy and the fire had damaged her outfit to bits.
She had to adjust her outfit and scent.
speed and momentum, she made her pursuers to lose sight of her. She had to escape the area promptly, or compromise being exposed. Applying her techniques as a thief, she swiped from a random pickpocket.
Providing herself with cash, to subsidize her disappearance.
She rushed towards a bathhouse,
one acknowledged to sell out bathing garments. It was not a proper method, but
Again no need for righteousness it was in the same direction as her sanctuary.
Kaylah broke into the bathhouse, it was a nice clean place and
Add her look para
she looked dreadful. The servant stared at her in dismay and doubted
, she legitimately entered but she looked dangerous, they knew better than to examine matters. It would be dangerous for her if this adolescent ? was someone powerful. found out her hideout
The attendants attitude rather upset Kaylah, but she had to tolerate it. She dashed towards the changing room, and while she was disposing of her bra, the old photo she safeguarded fell.
It was a picture of a middle-aged man with her
whatever describe the photo
her papa took with her fell out.
Kaylah noticed a note on the backside and wondered, "what does it say?"
- Bold: edited sentence
- Italics: Needs a change, Forsaken1 cannot nail it
I felt a little bad because I did not really go in depth with your chapter, consider this a freebie.
My life had always been in darkness. Pain and grief
of the heart were ripping away my soul. I played music to distract myself from my suffering, it was my only relief, my salvation.
Bringing music to life made me feel alive.
I didn’t care about anyone or anything, living in my
own shell since childhood. Lost in my own world. A world only for Music. I needed no one in my life. No parents, no friends not even any acquaintances.
Her arrival opened the doors of light in my black world. I felt warmth and comfort for the first time. My soul was healing.
I needed her!
First time I saw her wasn’t at the Music Video shoot
as she thinks, but much earlier. I was randomly passing through streets looking for inspiration.
When I saw her
on the street distributing flyers. Fate must have drawn my gaze towards her because once she walked out of the shade and hit the sunlight she showed the world a captivating image. Her natural glistening smile beamed her radiant face. A person’s eyes could not move away after gazing her face.
Afternoon Sun shined fiercely on her face, sweat like gems dazzled, dripping slowly from her forehead but the bright smile was as comfortable as a morning sun. I watched her as she walked towards me. My heart to pound, my hands were trembling, I even embarrassingly touched her hand when she handed me the flyer.
That is my muse!
They say every artist has a muse. Painters, filmmakers, writers, photographer, music producers!
Like Mona Lisa
was for Da Vinci.
Muse, a source of artistic inspirations due to their beauty, character, or some other mysterious quality.
Her beautiful smile made
my first impression of her as ‘Perfect to be a Muse.’
I never meet anyone who inspired me to write love songs!
All the way to the studio my thoughts run to her.
I made the hit song ‘My Flower, My Muse’ the same day reminiscing her.
The following day, I built up my courage and head to the same place. Looking at her I felt something gripping my heart. I build courage took off my hat and beard and walked toward her, thinking I would finally hear her voice, maybe it could be our first interaction.
But, she handed me a flyer; she walked to another man. Somehow I felt betrayed.
She didn’t even look at me...
I wanted to impress her with my stardom. I knew the consequences could be disastrous if the crowd knows of my presence but I somehow wished to surprise her.
Imagining her looking at me in awe!
generally hated to be recognized in public but it was the first time in my life I wanted someone to notice me.
Disappointed, I wore my disguise back and stood to observe her. Where was her smile?
Her eyes seemed lost. Why? I had to know.
I investigated the girl. The more I knew the more was I surprised. A girl from such a rich and big family of the country distributing flyers on a street in a strong sun!
A family whose name is enough to scare someone.
Her attire was simple too. She had the nobility of the rich but her warm attitude and simple clothes made her background inconspicuous.
Her name was Lyna, which means Light!
Bright and beautiful as her name she captivated me. <MC is stalking a girl he never spoke with SCARY!>