Allen_Clay012
So I haven't gotten half way through just yet but you only said a few of the chapters were edited anyway, because of this ill take some examples from the first chapter.
The First thing I really noticed was that it seemed like it was in a fantasy world more or less like the modern one with no magic system and a modernized military's. However this is all largely assumed information for me because while I've never heard of places like the city of Francisco, it sounds like it could be a real place, the story itself also starts in the year 2021 which is really close to the current modern times. If it is indeed in a fictional world than You should come up with a different time system, for example our worlds current year 2020 is 2020 years after the coming of Jesus from the bible. In a fictional world Jesus may not have come and they might base there years off when the first nuclear bomb was detonated instead. Another thing would be to give the planet a name other than earth. In the authors notes you did provide a cipher that I read which was nice and made it rather apparent that it most certainly wasn't our modern earth but its still nice to put things into the story itself to really explain the setting especially because I have found most people don't read the authors notes.
If the story takes place on earth but time advanced differently than you should explain why and how time advanced differently, for example Hitler won world war 2 and now there are only three countries. Japan, America, and Germany. Otherwise if its a entirely different world and you somehow tell the audience that than this backstory isn't totally necessary.
One thing that should be noted is that if it is a fantasy world you should never use describing words like Caucasian. Generally speaking this means a white person or a person that originates from the European, north African, and western Russian areas. The term Caucasian itself would neve r be used in a fantasy world unless you incorporate real world elements into the story which would again result in confusion for the reader. Instead you could describe them by their features instead of their general race, for example. the fair skinned pale woman. Its important to understand to unless a different species entirely like elves, race isn't usually a good describing too as you can have Asians with large eyes and Africans with small lips, they just aren't as common, however cultures are different. If I say to you in a real world scenario that a building is of eastern design you will most likely think of Chinese or Japanese architecture, this is why almost all fantasy worlds have the same generic layout that the real world dose this isn't a rule though and just a tool that's used because otherwise you'd have to constantly give the reader hints and reminders that even though your in the west, its still the only place with fireworks and dragon festivals.
One final thing about fantasy worlds that I noticed was that one of the main characters names was Jose. This is actually perfectly fine but I'm assuming its a Spanish name and pronounced Ho say. In fantasy worlds I like to spell names exactly how they'd be pronounced in English, this lets me still get the name to the audience, but also makes it clear how too say the name. In doing this everyone would still understand that the name still sounded Spanish in there head but this way everyone reads the name how its pronounced instead of some people pronouncing it Joe with an s at the end. Ultimately its up to you and almost everyone should know that the Spanish j makes an h sound its just something I like to take advantage of. If the name actually isn't Spanish I apologies
Now onto the grammar and spelling.
In the first chapter there is a section of text the reads as follows.
One of them was hungry, the guy in the baseball cap. He asked permission from his friend that he will be going to the cafeteria to eat. "I'm a little bit hungry Juan, I'm going to head to the cafeteria."
Grammar aside the biggest problem with sections of text like this is that you basically just told the reader the exact same thing twice, text and quotes should work together but they should never say the same thing, if you have him ask a question in narration than you should have someone else answer the question afterwards instead of restating it. Another problem with this is that you say in the narration the he (Asked) permission to go eat, but then in the quote he makes the statement that he is going to go and eat, consistency is really important to keep a reader immersed in the story.
The finally thing I would suggest is widening your describing words. Its very important to be able to refer to characters by there characteristics, especially when the reader doesn't know the characters name yet. However one characteristic should never be used as a direct substitute for a name, in the first chapter you used military man to describe the same person multiple times in a row, the biggest problem with this is that there are other military men in the general area and the term is too generic to be used to describe the one character specifically by itself. Many different phrases like large, ripped, muscular, narrow eyed, and flat headed can all be used. An easy thing to do is to give the character multiple characteristics when there first introduced and then describe them accordingly using those characteristics until a specific name is introduced for the character.
This took awhile too type up so I really hope you actually read at least most of it. XD
Please feel free to read and review my books as well There all very short because I haven't published many chapters yet so none of them should take very long. Thanks, enjoy!
